By Scott J. Welles and Cathy Roberts
When John finally dragged himself out of Kerry's bed, it was a little after eleven. He had to rush through another shower, and as he did, his mind kept remembering the earlier shower he and Kerry had shared. As much as he had enjoyed his day with Kerry, he found himself hoping that she didn't join him again. He really did want to get to work on time. John didn't want there to be any hint of favoritism to show in his relationship with Kerry, and if she let him get by with showing up late for his shift, then that would look suspicious.
Only after he had gotten dressed in the bathroom did John return to the side of Kerry's bed. She was half-asleep, but as he kissed her goodbye, she woke up.
"Is it that time already?" she asked. A slow and sensual stretch followed that question and the covers slipped down as her breasts rose, exposing pale flesh and ripe nipples.
"It sure is." John replied. Then he kissed her again, letting his lips go from her mouth to her throat to her breasts. He wanted one last taste of her before he headed out.
"I guess I'll see you in the morning then." Kerry's voice betrayed the tight control she was trying to keep on her emotions and her body. What John was doing was making her wet for him and she had to fight back the urge to pull him back into bed.
"You're on at six or seven?"
"Seven."
John nodded, then straightened. "I'll lock the door behind me as I go out. I'll see you later."
"Right."
The awkward good-byes out of the way, John left. Kerry lay awake in bed, her hands touching all the places that John had touched with his hands and mouth. Being with him had been wonderful and she wondered why she had never given in to her desire for him before. By strictly following policy, she had deprived herself of something very special and good over the past year. And once again, she thought that if she had been willing to be with John before, then maybe he would have handled things better after getting stabbed. She would have been there for him. Been there to see him in a setting where his defenses would be down. She could have kept him from falling through the cracks, she knew that with all her heart. And she would be there now to keep him from falling.
Rolling over, Kerry thought about that for a bit. Being there for him meant that they would have a relationship. Something permanent. One look into his earnest eyes told her that John wanted that. The question was what did she want? Sex with John was all she had ever imagined it to be, but did she want the emotional commitment? Did she want to take the risk of John hurting her when things didn't work out?
************************************
Luka was putting on his lab coat when he heard the door to the lounge open. He didn't have to turn around to see who it was -- he knew it was John. The way that the footsteps stopped just inside the room was the first giveaway. Another giveaway was his smell, and Luka felt his cock twitch as he took a deep breath. Abby wanted him to be with John again. Wanted *them* to be with John. Together, just the three of them. But, would John be willing?
Luka shut his locker, then turned to watch as John fumbled with the combination on the lock of his door. They were all alone in the lounge, so Luka felt it was safe to talk about things.
"So, how did things go with Kerry? Did you get into trouble over missing your meeting?"
John shook his head. "She straightened all of that out." John turned slightly to look at Luka, willing himself to make eye contact with the other man. The truth was that in spite of all the great sex he had with Kerry earlier, he was still attracted to Luka. But, he knew that he couldn't let Luka know that. It wasn't fair to either Luka or to Abby. And it especially wasn't fair to Kerry. "Luka, we need to talk about last night."
Luka nodded. "Yes, we do. How about..."
He was interrupted when the door opened and Haleh stuck her head in the door. "MVA coming in. ETA five minutes. Malucci's out sick, so it's just you two and a few med students."
"What about Benton?" John asked, knowing there were usually two attendings per shift, and that Mark and Kerry had worked earlier.
"He took a hot MI upstairs and I don't know when he'll be back." The door closed and they were once more alone.
"Well, we'll talk later, okay?" John asked.
"Sure." Luka watched John walk out of the lounge, still putting on his lab coat. A surge of jealousy welled up in Luka as he remembered the way John's eyes had lit up when he had asked about Kerry. They had been intimate with each other and for some reason that angered Luka. *He* wanted to be the next person to touch John. Even now it had been so difficult to not push the other man up against the lockers and kiss him senseless. Now *that* would have been an interesting sight for Haleh to have seen when she interrupted them.
Determined to corner John later for a long talk, Luka left the lounge to get ready for the incoming trauma.
The MVA's were followed by an influx of flu sufferers, then more accident victims as the early morning hours rolled on. At six, Abby left for home and at seven Kerry came on shift. And still Luka never had a chance for that talk. It almost seemed as if John was avoiding him, although that thought struck Luka as odd since John had been the one to first bring up the fact they needed to talk. Yet, when noon arrived, there was still no sign of John. Luka left for home determined to try again on their next shift.
Which didn't happen because John changed shifts with Chen, putting himself on opposite hours from Luka. As the week wore on, Luka vented his frustration to Abby.
"I know he's avoiding me. Has he spoken to you? You two have been working the same shifts."
They were in bed in the early afternoon as it was the only time they had together, considering their present shifts. Abby was curled up at his side as he stroked her hair with one hand and her hip with the other. "John hasn't said anything to me that hasn't been AA related. And even then, he hasn't said much." Abby admitted. She hated seeing Luka look so defeated. Getting together with John had become important to Luka, more important than she had guessed. As much as she wanted to have sex with both men, she felt that Luka needed to have John talk to him. Needed to have him acknowledge that what they had done had not been a mistake and was something he wanted to do again.
"Do you want me to talk to him?" she asked.
At the hospital, Kerry was sitting in the lounge, pretending to do chart reviews. Most of the staff knew to leave her alone when she was surrounded by charts, and she found it easier to hide from John if she was pretending to be busy. She had to decide just how she was going to handle John. Last night had been another incredible night for her. John had been just as loving, caring and passionate as he had been the first time they were together. And, once more, he had murmured that he loved her. Kerry knew that no matter how much she liked having sex with John, she couldn't let him waste his time in a relationship with her. A relationship that would go nowhere. She didn't love him. She refused to love anyone anymore. It was a case of 'been there, done that', and she had had her heart broken one too many times. So, no. There would be no 'love affair' with John Carter. And no matter how much it made her melt inside when he whispered her name repeatedly as he made her come, she couldn't let him waste his time on her. He deserved the chance to have a relationship that would grow into something more than a vent for built up passion and unbridled lust.
Just yesterday, Kerry had spoken to an AA representative and asked about why they were so stringent in their insistence that a recovering alcoholic not get involved in a romantic relationship during the early stages of their recovery. Surely, she argued, having someone to be there for them was a good thing, and not a hindrance. The rep quickly set her straight on that, informing her that someone who was recovering from any type of addiction needed to focus their energies on getting better and not on maintaining a relationship. Above all else, Kerry didn't want to be a setback for John. He was an outstanding doctor, and a relapse could spell the end of his career.
So, she was left with deciding on how to tell him that she didn't want him to come over any more. She was left with finding a way to lie to him and tell him that all she wanted from him was sex, and now that he had met that need in her, she no longer needed him. Already she could see the way his eyes would sadden, hear him plead with her to reconsider things. She knew that turning John away would be one of the most difficult things she would ever have to do, but Kerry was determined to do it. It was safer that way; for everyone concerned.
At the Carter mansion, John was getting ready to leave for Kerry's house. He had gotten home from work thirty minutes earlier, but in his mind, he had already wasted too much time changing clothes. Knowing that he needed to say good night to his grandmother, John went in search of her, finding Millicent in the library, and he gave her a quick kiss on the cheek as he said goodbye.
With a definite twinkle in her eyes, she asked "And are you going to be out all night...again?"
John grinned. "I hope so. You don't need to worry about me, Gamma. I'm not out there doing anything wrong."
"I'm not worried, John. As a matter of fact, I'm quite happy." Millicent reached up to gently caress his face. "I'm very happy. I've never seen you as at peace with yourself as you've been this week. Whoever she is, I'm very grateful for that alone."
"Thank you. I'm very much in love with her, Gamma."
Millicent laughed. "I can see that. So, who is this lucky young woman?"
"I can't tell you just yet. You'll get to meet her soon, I promise."
"I'd better. Since she's monopolizing all your free time, I'd like to see for myself what she's like."
"You'll like her, Gamma. You really will. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" And after another hug and kiss, John was on his way out the door.
As John pulled to a stop in front of Kerry's house, he grinned as he remembered the short conversation he had with his grandmother as he was leaving the house. With a lightness to his steps, he bounded up the sidewalk and onto Kerry's porch. To him, it felt as if it was taking forever for Kerry to open the door, but he knew it was merely his impatience, and not a true lag of time.
Finally the door opened and Kerry stood there. She nearly took his breath away, dressed in a soft dark green sweater and slacks. Her hair softly framed her face and her eyes looked vulnerable as she peered at him through her glasses. He was already looking forward to removing those glasses and running his fingers though her soft hair just prior to claiming her mouth with his lips. He leaned toward her, intending to kiss her, but she pulled back and he ended up giving her a quick peck on the lips. He immediately began to worry that something was wrong. She had been fine when he left work. A bit preoccupied with chart reviews, but fine nonetheless. Could something bad have happened between then and now?
"Aren't you going to ask me in?" he asked.
"Of course." Kerry turned and walked away from the door, setting off more alarms in John's head. Something was very wrong, he thought as he stepped into the warmth of her house and shut the door behind him, closing out the world.
"Kerry? Is something wrong?" John asked as he walked into the living room. Kerry had already taken a seat in a chair, another departure from their recent, yet, normal, routine. Every other night they sat on the couch together.
"We need to talk." Kerry said, her voice shaky. She had thought that telling John they couldn't see each other any longer would be hard, but she didn't know it would be this hard. This painful. Already a look of doubt and fear was in his eyes and it cut her to the quick to know that she had put that look there.
But Kerry knew this was for the best, and it was far better to put up with that look now than the one that would haunt his eyes when he fell even further in love with her and then had his heart broken because she was unable to reciprocate those feelings.
"You should have a seat." Kerry gestured to the couch and waited for John to sit down. Once he was settled, still looking fearful, she began. "I've been giving this a lot of thought, John. A lot of thought. I don't want you to think that this is a conclusion that I've easily reached."
In his mind, John began to pray. "Don't be breaking up with me. Please don't be telling me to leave." He could hear Kerry's words, see the pained expression on her face and the wary look in her eyes. She was dumping him. The most wonderful thing to have ever happened to him was telling him that he wasn't good enough. At least that part was familiar, the not being good enough.
He held up his hand, gesturing for Kerry to stop talking. "Please, there's no need to say anything more. You don't want to see me again, right?"
Kerry drew a deep breath. "Not really. I *do* want to see you again, John. But I know that you want more than just casual sex from a relationship. And as long as we're together, that's all you'll ever get. I don't love you."
God, that hurt, he thought. He looked down at the floor, remembering how they had made love there just the other night. It had started with them getting playful on the couch while watching a movie and quickly progressing to some of the hottest sex he had ever had. But to Kerry it had only been 'casual', while to him it had been a part of making love to her. John mentally kicked himself for letting his true feelings show. He had known that Kerry wouldn't be running to claim her love for him, but he had hoped as more time passed, she would admit to feeling the same way. And now he was finding out that she had never really cared about him at all.
John abruptly stood. "I have to go. I'll see you at work." How would be able to face her at work every day? Walking into the ER and seeing her would feel the way it had felt the first time he had walked into Curtain Three after being stabbed. He knew it would make him feel trapped and panicked. It was difficult enough now to work with Kerry and not be able to touch her, but it was going to be so much harder to work with her and know that she only wanted a romp in the sack. And to think that he had been fooled by her tender touches and soft whispers of pleasure.
Without waiting for an answer from Kerry, John headed for the door, and was out of the house and to his Jeep before she reached the door. As he got into the vehicle and started the engine he could see her standing in the doorway, watching him leave. For a brief moment he found her image to be that of a lonely woman, but he quickly pushed that away. Kerry, as usual, was getting what she wanted. She had wanted to be the Chief of the ER and she maneuvered things until she got it. She had wanted to fuck him, probably because she had wondered what it would be like to fuck a guy who she had caught with another man -- well, she had got that, too, didn't she? And now she didn't want him around any more, and she was getting that. If that left her standing there alone, then it was her own damn fault, wasn't it? With a squeal of tires, John pulled out into the street, not sure where he was going. He knew he couldn't go back home. Couldn't face his Gamma and her questions about why he was home so early. About why he was home period. He'd find somewhere else to go until he knew that his family was asleep, and then he would sneak into the house. As he headed down the street, he reached for a cigarette, needing the calming effects of the nicotine more than ever before. Hands shaking, he pushed the lighter in, then impatiently waited for it to be hot. When it popped out, John yanked it free of the dashboard and lit the cigarette, inhaling deeply. Wishing he had something else there to numb his mind so he wouldn't have to think about how bad it hurt to know that he had once more been used and tossed aside.
Kerry stood in the doorway until she could no longer see the red taillights of the Jeep. The night air was frigid, but she barely noticed it. All she could see were John's expressive eyes telling her that she had hurt John very deeply. That had never been her intent. Maybe he would turn around and come back to talk her out of sending him away? John was stubborn. He wouldn't just accept this. Five minutes passed. Then ten. When fifteen minutes had gone by Kerry turned back into the house, firmly closing the door and securing the locks. John wouldn't be back tonight. John wouldn't be back. Just as she had wanted.
Kerry went to her kitchen and opened the liquor cabinet. She selected an opened bottle of scotch and poured herself a tumbler full of the smooth liquid. She leaned against the counter and down the glass in two gulps, then refilled it again. Turning off the lights, Kerry made her way to her bedroom.
Setting the glass on the night table, Kerry looked around her room, finding it a lonely place after being filled with John for so many nights recently. Just as her house had felt lonely after she made him move out when she was appointed Chief of Emergency Medicine. In the weeks that followed her appointment and John moving out, Kerry would find herself wandering down to the basement and resting on the bed -- John's bed. It was the only place where she could find peace in those days. His smell lingered on the mattress for weeks, yet when Kerry sought comfort there after John was stabbed, she swore that she could still smell his scent. It had probably been her overwrought imagination. There was no way a man's scent could linger that long.
Kerry reached out and grabbed the pillow that John usually used at night. Holding it up to her mouth and nose, she took a deep breath, inhaling his unique smell. It was all she had left of him. Not that she missed him already -- she didn't love him. She had been truthful with him when she told him that. She was merely reacting to his absence, and the fact that her words had hurt him, that was all. The ache in her heart had nothing at all to do with the fact that it was breaking in two.
John drove aimlessly and suddenly realized that he was driving around in circles. And the block he was circling was the one where Abby lived. He needed to talk with Abby. If he didn't, then he wasn't sure what he was going to do -- the *need* for something to take away his pain was becoming too great. He hadn't felt this way since April and the first time he had taken too much of his pain meds. John hastily parked, then ran up the steps of the apartment building, making his way to the third floor. At the door to Abby's place, he didn't hesitate to knock and ring the doorbell. Repeatedly. She had to be home already. Her shift ended at midnight and it was almost one.
When the door was roughly jerked open, John wasn't sure who was the most surprised - him as he looked at Luka, or Luka as he looked at John.
"I thought you were working the late shift," John said.
"I'm starting back to the day shift tomorrow morning. I had the day off. Come in."
"I'm looking for Abby." John tried to look over Luka's shoulder to see if Abby was inside, but all he could see was the dimly lit living room.
"She's not home yet, but she should be here any minute. She was late leaving the hospital." Luka was glad that Abby had called him when she found she was running late. He would have been worried sick over the fact that she was due to be off at midnight and had not shown up at home by one.
"Oh. Sorry to have bothered you." John started to turn away, but felt Luka's hand on his arm.
"You can wait for her. Come in." Luka flipped on the light switch as he practically pulled John into the living room. He didn't like the pained and dull look in John's eyes, or the tenseness of his body. Something had happened to set him on edge and Luka didn't think it would be a good idea for John to be out wandering around alone. Especially if he had been so desperate that he came here to see Abby rather than calling her.
John stood still in the living room of Abby's apartment, not really paying attention to his surroundings or the fact that Luka was closing the door. Luka had to touch him on the shoulder to get his attention. "I'm sorry, what did you say?"
"I asked if you wanted something to drink? We have juice and milk. I can make coffee if you want that," Luka said.
John slowly shook his head. "I don't want anything," he said. Then his lips quivered and he bit his bottom lip hard in an effort to not cry in front of Luka. He wanted Kerry and nothing else. But he could never have her, Kerry had made that much plain.
"John?" Luka was now standing in front of him, worry etched on his face. "It's going to be all right."
John vigorously shook his head, his eyes stinging from the unshed tears. "It can't be all right." John might have been fine even after admitting that much, but then Luka took another step toward him and wrapped his arms around him, holding him near. "Oh, God!" John broke down sobbing, leaning heavily into Luka's embrace. He could feel Luka's hand smoothing his hair as he kept telling him that it was all right to cry and let it all out.
At some point, Luka managed to get them both to the sofa where he continued to hold John, doing what he could to comfort him. For John, it was a reminder of the night of the intervention when he had collapsed into Peter Benton's arms. The resemblance was compounded when Luka began to kiss the top of his head, but John didn't remember getting hard from Benton's kisses. He was definitely getting hard from Luka's, even though he knew that Luka didn't intend them to be sexual in nature. All of the desire and feelings that John had been pushing aside with regard to Luka bubbled to the surface, and he lifted his head in time to catch one of those kisses on the lips.
And that was all the invitation that Luka needed. Abby had already given him permission to bed John. And she was due home any minute now, so the possibility still existed for her to also be with John tonight. But, right now, John needed physical contact, Luka could see that. John needed someone to love him, and Luka was more than willing to be that someone. Tonight and any other night when John might ask.
Luka pulled away from John, then stood. John looked up at him, confusion now mixing with the pain in his eyes. Luka nodded. "It's all right, John. I want you, too. Come." Luka held out his hand and a heartbeat later John grasped it.
Getting to his feet, John embraced Luka. "Please make the pain go away, Luka. Please?" John's whispered plea held a note of desperation.
"Yes," Luka simply replied as he pushed John's coat to the floor and then began to work on the buttons of his shirt. Luka paused long enough to lovingly caress John's warm skin before continuing his undressing. John tried to help get himself undressed, but Luka only allowed a little of that. He wanted to unwrap his own present, thank you very much. And then John was there before him, naked in all his glory. Luka's eyes saw past the physical scars and only saw the essence of the man before him. "You are so beautiful," Luka whispered as he leaned in to kiss John fully on the mouth again. He let one hand grasp John's buttock, pulling him closer while the other hand reached between them to stroke his still hardening erection.
And then they heard the key turning in the lock. John jerked his head away from Luka, panic in his eyes. "Abby?"
Luka nodded, then smiled. "Abby. It'll be all right, John. Abby wants you, too." And Luka turned his head because he wanted to see the look on Abby's face when she saw John standing naked in the middle of her living room. Together they would love him, and then they would find out what had happened to send him out on the streets in the first place.
