By Scott J. Welles and Cathy Roberts
"Abby? Wants me?" How had he gone from being rejected by Kerry to being told that two people he had the hots for also desired him? If only...if only Kerry could feel that way, too. Hell, the problem was that Kerry *did* feel that way. She just didn't feel anything else but desire for him.
Before Luka could respond, the door opened and Abby stepped into the apartment. Luka could feel the tension in John's body as the other man tried to bury his face into Luka's shoulder. Even through the material of his shirt, Luka could feel the heat emanating from John's face and he knew that his friend was feeling embarrassed. Keeping both hands in place, Luka lightly kissed John's neck, but his eyes were on Abby he had noticed the way her eyes had lit up the minute she had seen who was in his arms.
Abby quickly shut the door and locked it, then dropped her purse and coat to the floor. She walked over to Luka and John, her eyes not missing the fact that Luka was casually caressing John's butt and that John was trying to get out of Luka's embrace.
She tenderly touched John's back, letting her fingers linger over his scars. She then pressed up against him, trapping his body between hers and Luka's. She could feel John trembling and she wondered if it was from being cold or something else.
"John, it's all right. We want you here," she softly said next to his ear, then she let her lips trail across his shoulders, wishing she were taller so she could kiss his neck. She had only been able to get this close to his shoulder due to the fact that he was still hiding this face in Luka's shoulder. This wouldn't do at all.
"John? Look at me." She waited, but he didn't move. Abby looked up at Luka, her eyes silently pleading for his help.
Luka shrugged, dislodging John from his shoulder, then quickly turning John around so that he was now facing Abby. Now Luka was able to use both hands to stroke John's cock and balls.
"That's better," Abby said, smiling. "John, Luka and I both want to be with you. And I've already seen that you desire Luka, so there's no shame there for you. And I can assure you that I've had many fantasies about you, too."
John was looking at Abby's feet, but now he forced himself to look her in the eyes. "I don't want fantasies, Abby. I don't want lust. It's not what I need right now. Right now, I need...I need to be numb, Abby. I don't want to feel anymore." He was close to crying again, the pain of Kerry's rejection threatening to overwhelm him. He knew he wasn't making any sense with what he was saying to Abby. He needed to be loved, but that wasn't happening. At least not from Kerry's direction, and that's who he wanted to have loving him.
Not that he didn't care about Abby. He did. She was a great friend and had been a wonderful sponsor, being there for him even when her life was less than perfect. And Luka had been...incredible, that one night. Being with Luka was something that John had not quite been able to put out of his mind. And there had been times when he wasn't sure he wanted to do that. It was a memory he wanted to cherish.
"It's all right to feel that way, John. The important thing is that you haven't done anything to reach that feeling. Right?" Abby asked.
John nodded. "I came here hoping to talk to you, and Luka was here and you were late and then Luka offered me something to drink but I didn't want anything except to have Kerry love me and then I started crying like a baby and the next thing I knew I was standing here like this and then you were home." John rambled on and didn't shut up until Abby pulled his head down toward hers and kissed him long and hard.
At first, Abby felt as if she were doing all the work and then John responded to her, his tongue battling hers and winning as he claimed her mouth. Abby's arms wrapped around him, and she used one hand to stroke Luka through his clothing while the other hand stroked John's back.
Luka hated losing touch with either John or Abby, but he wanted to get undressed. Stepping back from the couple, he quickly shed his clothing, then he stepped around John and began to unbutton Abby's pants since John was already working on her shirt. Working together, the trio managed to get Abby undressed in record time.
John closed his eyes, simply letting himself feel the warmth off the fingertips of his friends. The way they were touching him made him feel as if they really did want him, really did care about him. And he needed to think that right now, even if it turned out not to be true. He threw himself into his passion, pushing Kerry to the back of his mind as he concentrated on pleasing both Abby and Luka. The three of them would seem to merge into one being with six arms and legs and at one point John became aware that they were in Abby's bedroom and on the bed.
Cradled in Luka's arms, his back flush against Luka's chest, John sighed as Abby's mouth closed around his hardness while fingers were busy working a cool substance into his skin, preparing him for being penetrated. It didn't matter to John if it was Abby or Luka prepping him. All that mattered at that moment was that it felt good and he knew Luka would soon be inside of him, their bodies becoming one again. He idly wondered what Abby would be doing while Luka was loving him -- would she continue to use her mouth on him until she brought him to his orgasm or would she try to find some way to mount him while he was being mounted by Luka? Even though John had tried, and enjoyed, many positions during his lifetime, he had never before been faced with the problem of finding a position so he could simultaneously be loved by a man and a woman. Was it even possible? With a grin, he found himself hoping to find out very shortly.
Luka knew he should be thinking about making this as pleasurable for Abby as it was for he and John, but at the moment all he really cared about was getting inside of John and making him moan again with delight and pleasure as he had the night in the store room. Aware that Abby was liberally applying lubricant to John and also to his condom encased penis, Luka was thinking of a new way to try this. While he and John had been in the storeroom for a long time, it hadn't been long enough for them to try having sex in every conceivable position. Luka gasped loudly as Abby's hand firmly grasped his cock and pulled it toward John's opening. It took only a slight change of position for Luka to be able to penetrate John's tightness, and he could feel his cock harden even further when John groaned and urged Luka to go deeper, wriggling his hips to help his own cause, taking Luka in a bit faster than Luka would have preferred. When they were fully joined, Luka found that he was half on his back and half on his side, and so was John. It was a position he had enjoyed many times with Abby and he found it to be just as effective with John. Wrapping his arms around the other man, Luka could easily tease John further, toying with his nipples and caressing his smooth skin. When he reached down to stroke John's cock, he discovered that Abby was busy there. It was a painful discovery because Abby apparently didn't want to share that part of John's anatomy and she nipped at Luka's fingers with her teeth. Luka heard a growl, but he was never sure if it came from Abby or John. Not that it mattered, he thought, grinning. Both of his lovers were wild animals when it came to sex. And he wasn't complaining about it one bit.
Abby smiled around John's cock as Luka jerked his hand away. "Serves him right for poaching," she thought. *This* is all mine. Not that she had any intention of letting John reach completion yet. She planned to toy with him, bringing him to the brink of release and then backing off. Whenever she tried that with Luka, he would be quickly begging her to let him come and she wondered just how long John would last before he reached the begging stage. Not that it would matter since she had no intention of letting him come in her mouth. When he came, she would be on top of him, fully enjoying him. She had so often fantasized about being loved by him that the mere thought of not having that happen tonight was almost more than she could handle.
Luka raised his body enough to be able to reach John's mouth once he turned John's head toward his own. John moaned into that mouth, parting his lips enough to let Luka's tongue into his mouth just as he was letting Luka penetrate his body with his cock. Between what Luka's kiss, cock and hands were doing, and what Abby was doing with her mouth, John felt as if he would explode from unreleased passion. He could feel his own orgasm approaching and he cried out when Abby suddenly stopped what she was doing and then gripped him tightly just behind the balls, cutting off the flow from his testicles to his cock and stopping anything from happening. After what felt to be an eternity later, her mouth returned to his swollen member and he whimpered as he felt her tongue lap at the tender head. Between the sensations that were radiating from his prostate and his cock, John was floating on a sea of lust and desire. He closed his eyes and let himself be carried away, not coming back to his senses until he heard Luka's breathing grow ragged and then felt his hips slam into his backside.
Luka was panting into John's ear, mumbling something in Croatian as he pulled John against his body tightly while he emptied his seed into that tight and hot space. Once he was sure that his orgasm was over, Luka gently disengaged himself from John, then slipped out from under his body to go to the bathroom to dispose of the condom. When he returned to the bed, he saw that Abby had pushed John to his back and was now lowering herself onto his still rigid cock.
Luka stretched out across the head of the bed, curling his body around John's head so he could reach both of his lover's. He lowered a kiss on John's forehead, then lazily stroked his hand over John's chest while taking in how flushed with desire Abby appeared. She was intent on what she was doing, moving slowly on John's cock, making small rocking motions that were driving the man insane with want and need. John kept whispering his urges to her, begging her to go faster and harder, to fuck him, but she ignored him. Luka knew that Abby was waiting for the whispers to raise in volume and he reached out to stroke what he could reach of her breast. The rest of it, and its twin, were cupped in John's hands. Such capable and able hands. Hands of healing, and hands of pleasure. Luka caressed the hand nearest him, taking in the masculine strength of it as he remembered how it had felt to be caressed and teased by that hand.
Abby looked down through half-open eyes, seeing Luka and John below her. Luka's face was still relaxed from his orgasm, his eyelids half-closed, and a satisfied look playing around his lips. But he was still touching John. Touching her. God, it felt so naughty and good all at the same time to have John inside of her while Luka was watching, stroking both of them with his hands. As for John...his eyes were glazed over with desire and a sheen of perspiration was covering his face and chest. He kept whispering for more, but Abby wasn't ready for that yet. Not ready for this ride to end.
Abby felt a warmth in her toes, and it slowly moved up her body -- her legs, her hips, her breasts -- and then she exploded inside as an orgasm rocked her body. She stopped what she was doing to John and allowed her body ride out the spasms that had engulfed her.
As Abby's muscles contracted tightly against his cock, John held completely still below her, knowing that the slightest movement right then would bring more pain than pleasure to Abby. He watched as her face changed from a look of intense pleasure to a look of intense satisfaction. He could see Luka's hand softly caressing Abby's side and felt his other hand caressing his shoulder and neck. When Abby had come, he had been nearing the crest of his own pleasure, and now he teetered there, sure that one movement on her part would send him over the edge. As much as he had urged her on so he could come, he now wanted her to stay still so he could prolong the pleasure.
After a few quiet moments where all John could hear was his and Abby's own rough breathing and Luka's quiet breaths, John heard himself whisper, "Now, Abby. Please?" And then Abby was smiling down at him as she slowly raised her hips. When they lowered back down, he cried out her name, his entire body on fire as he came inside of her, over and over again.
The sensation had been so intense that it wasn't until Abby had returned from the bathroom with a warm cloth to wash him that he realized she had left his body and removed the condom as well. And then John found himself flat on his back in the middle of the bed, snug under the covers and cradled by the bodies of his lovers.
"Okay, now can you tell us what happened?" Abby gently asked as she lightly stroked his belly, stretching her arm from time to time to touch Luka's body as well. As it was, she was having to fight Luka's hand for room to move on John's body, because Luka was also caressing John. Touching him to let him know he was loved.
"Is it that important?" John asked. He really didn't want to relive the coldness of Kerry's voice as she had summarily dismissed him from her bed and life. Didn't want to feel the pang of emptiness, as he knew she didn't care about him in the same way he did for her.
"John, you showed up here half crazy with the need to talk with Abby because you were afraid of breaking down and seeking out drugs. Something had to have happened to put you in that state of mind," Luka said. He kept his voice firm, hoping that John would respond to the sound of authority. "Well, Abby's here now, so you can talk to her. And I promise I won't judge you if you'll let me stay here with you while you talk."
"Please don't leave me," John turned his head to look into Luka's eyes, his own eyes pleading for Luka to stay. "I...need to have you near. Both of you."
"Then I won't leave. But you need to talk to us, John."
John nodded at Luka, then looked up at the ceiling. "Kerry. She...she said she still wants to see me, but that it can never be anything more than just sex. And I thought it hurt to be dumped by someone. Being told I'm not good enough for someone to stick around for is nothing like being told I'm only good for one thing. She doesn't care about me. Not like...Hell, I...I love her. I've loved her for a long time, and lately I thought she had come to feel that way about me. But she doesn't. She just wants the sex, and at this point in my life, that's not what I want from her. From anyone."
John looked from Abby to Luka. "I know this sounds strange, but I really do care about you guys. I don't know that I could call it love, but I do have feelings for the both of you. I've never really been into sex for the pleasure itself. I need the intimacy...the warmth and caring. I thought I had that with Kerry, but now she's telling me that I don't. God, I feel like such a fool." John hastily wiped away a tear that had slipped from the corner of his eye.
"I guess that's a pretty lame thing to make me want the shelter of drugs, huh? Being told I'm no more than a body. But what she said hurt me, and I just wanted to escape from the hurt and the pain and the memories. Just like before."
"Oh, John." Abby softly kissed his shoulder. "I'm sorry. No, it's not a lame thing. You're going to discover that the simplest of things can set off that craving. Things that would never occur to you to be a cause of that reaction. Some of it is tied in with PTSD and some of it isn't. But you did the right thing in coming here, in seeking out your sponsor."
From the other side of John, Luka quietly nodded. He was feeling slightly guilty over all the times he had felt any jealousy over the fact that Abby was John's AA sponsor. Seeing first hand how an emotional jolt could effect an addict told Luka just how much John needed Abby. Mirroring Abby's action, Luka kissed John's left shoulder, letting his hand drift lower on John's body until he could caress John's balls, hoping to get another reaction out of John's body. Abby had the pleasure of taking John before, and now Luka wanted his turn.
John tried to ignore the pleasurable sensations that Luka was stirring up within his body as he tried to talk with Abby. She understood so much better than anyone else could. He knew that he had promised her that he would keep her as a sponsor until he could find a man to take the position, but he didn't want to give her up. And not just because they had just experienced some great sex. But because she had been there since the stabbing. Abby knew him almost as well as Kerry knew him. No. He took that thought back. Kerry obviously didn't know him, or she wouldn't have led him on the way she had. If she couldn't love him, well, then forget her. He would just find that comfort elsewhere. Such as here in bed with Abby and Luka, who had no problems declaring that they had feelings for him that went beyond sex.
John turned his head to capture Luka's mouth while his hands reached out for his lovers. With one hand in place to tease Abby and the other fondling Luka, John felt safe and secure. With them, he could forget about how much losing Kerry's love, or rather, losing the chance to have Kerry's love, had hurt him. With them, John could regain his strength and composure. With them, John could feel loved.
********************************
"Do you think it's all right to leave him alone?" Luka asked her after John had departed.
Abby nodded. "I think so. He's gotten past the crisis point."
"Are you sure? Last night, he was a wreck."
"I'm sure. Nights like that will happen sometimes in any recovery. The important thing is, he came looking for help, and he got it. We can't stop him from hurting, just help him let it come out in the right way."
Luka nodded, not entirely convinced, but willing to accept Abby's judgment. Her own experience with addiction made her viewpoint more insightful than his own, he knew. But he could also tell she was still troubled by something. "What is it?"
"I'm just puzzled by what happened between John and Kerry. Something about the way John described her actions didn't sound right..."
He frowned. "Why not?"
Abby didn't answer him for a minute, thinking it over. "What Kerry told him. It's not right," she replied, helplessly.
"No, of course it's not," he agreed. "But, as much as I hate to admit it, I don't think we can blame Kerry for this. It's not like she just used him and dumped him. He said she still wanted to see him, and if she honestly didn't have any deeper feelings for John, at least she was honest and up-front about it, instead of leading him on."
She scowled more deeply, still in thought.
"I know we're only hearing John's side of the story, but it sounds like they went into a relationship with different expectations, and when she realized his feelings were different than hers, she told him the truth."
Irritated, she shook her head. "I'm sorry, I don't buy it. I can't see Kerry doing that."
Luka sighed and sat down beside her. "Abby, you told me yourself she didn't get emotionally involved with her lovers, right? I know you're angry at her for hurting John, but..."
"Kerry wouldn't do that to John," Abby stated firmly, surprising herself with her conviction. "I could see her getting physically involved with anyone else -- you or me, for example -- and keeping it on a casual, friendly-sex-only basis, but not with John Carter. Not with him."
"How can you be so sure? You told me she'd admitted being attracted to him..."
"Yeah, but she also knows how personally he takes his relationships. Kerry's known John longer than you and I put together, she shared a house with him, for God's sake! And she's no stranger to all the things that have been happening in his life this past year. She couldn't possibly be so ignorant of how he'd feel if they had a relationship. She'd know damn well how it would affect him."
"And if she did...?"
Abby just looked at Luka.
"No," he agreed, answering his own question. "You're right, Kerry would never deliberately enter a relationship with someone while knowing it would hurt them, no matter how strong the physical attraction. She's insensitive sometimes, but never that cruel or heartless."
"Right. So why did she do it?"
"Well...maybe she really didn't know how he felt about her."
"Luka..."
"Abby, she didn't know about his drug problem, did she? You had to tell her and Mark Greene about that. I agree with you about Kerry's intentions, but I think you might be giving her too much credit for her judgment."
She had to admit he had a point. Maybe it was possible; a lot of unexpected new attractions had been discovered the night she locked the men in the storeroom. Abby had a flush of warmth, recalling the time she'd spent in bed with Kerry Weaver -- God, that was good! -- and then the intensely arousing sight of her two favorite men having sex with each other. Kerry, Abby remembered, hadn't been satisfied in bed the way she had, and she was similarly aroused by the male coupling. Perhaps her pent-up sexual energy had overridden her restraint and good judgment, and she'd taken advantage of John without meaning to do so...?
"No, there's more to it than that," she insisted, thinking back to her brief conversation with Kerry Weaver on the way to the hospital. Kerry had claimed she'd never been in love. 'It just doesn't seem to happen,' she'd said. But it wasn't said coldly, or boastfully. Kerry had seemed almost regretful about it. As though some part of her was hoping it would happen one day. And there was that look on her face when they'd discussed Carter over cocoa, before they went to bed... "I think she does have feelings for him, after all. I think she's just afraid of them."
"How can you be certain? You haven't known her all that long, have you?"
"No, but...John has. He knows her. If he thought she felt something toward him..." But then, again, John's judgment might also be off somewhat during his recovery... There were so many 'ifs', it made her head spin. "Oh, hell, I don't know," she admitted. "Maybe we should just let it go for now."
"I think that's a good idea. Overthinking things can make them even more difficult sometimes."
They let the subject drop after that, as they prepared for work. But Abby felt that niggling little certainty, down deep, that Kerry Weaver's feelings for John Carter were stronger than she'd admit.
Even, perhaps, to herself.
