By Scott J. Welles and Cathy Roberts
Traumas are more anticlimactic in nature than people think if they haven't worked in an ER. That is, the fastest, tensest, most exciting part comes right at the beginning, and then it slows down to hours of detail work and follow-up care. Rather than starting slow and building up to the big payoff, like the movies, they work the other way around entirely. Kerry couldn't imagine that they'd make for good television.
Every once in a while, though, there's a surprise twist to them. Like today, for example. The incoming patients that she and Luka had responded to looked like your basic two-car accident, single driver versus family out for a meal. The family sustained the worst of it -- wasn't that always the way? -- but they all would pull through. The other driver, though dazed, had been only slightly hurt, but he had caused the most trouble.
Kerry remembered preparing to reset his dislocated shoulder when it happened. The first thing she was aware of was Carter's full weight slamming into her as he tackled her to the floor. As he landed on top of her, she had a moment of furious indignation before she heard Abby yell, "GUN!"
Over Carter's shoulder, she saw Abby grabbing at the small weapon in the driver's uninjured hand, her latex gloves slick with blood, unable to get hold of it. Then Malik caught the man's wrist and twisted the gun away before it could go off. It later turned out that the safety was still on; the man was frightened and delirious, not bloodthirsty. But for a long moment there, the expectation of sudden, mortal violence had chilled everyone in the Trauma Room. Afterward, when Malik had cracked a smile and said, "There's another case for gun control, huh?" no one had laughed.
What she remembered most strongly, many hours later, was the look in John's eyes as he got off of her and helped her up. The fading look of terror at the thought that she might have been shot. She didn't say anything to him; while her professional judgment dictated that he should have grabbed the gun instead of her, she was grateful for his protection and touched at his concern. And she recalled the feel of his body against hers, even under those conditions...
Pushing it aside, she took a break from her paperwork - incident reports, patient reports, billing reports, and still more reports - and sought out a cup of coffee. As usual, the least offensive stuff seemed to come from the pot in the lounge. Frank had been making it lately, and he seemed to have a knack for it. Must be a cop thing, she thought.
Glancing out the window as she poured, she spotted Abby Lockhart leaning against the wall. An unlit cigarette was between her lips, and there was a cheap lighter in her hands, but she appeared to be debating whether to fire it up or not. Wrestling with the temptation. To smoke or not to smoke, that is the question. Her hands were shaking.
Smiling tiredly, Kerry tapped on the windowpane to get her attention and shook a 'naughty naughty' finger at her. Abby looked at her, returned the smile, then tossed the cigarette away and came inside.
She entered the lounge a moment later. "Thanks," she said. "I keep saying I've quit, but some days..."
"You're welcome." Kerry offered her a cup. "Give me your opinion, Abby. Does the coffee taste better lately?"
She took a sip, thought about it, then nodded. "Yeah, a little."
"Good, then I'm not losing my mind." She remained standing while Abby sank onto the sofa. "And thanks for the help with Jesse James in there."
"Sure. I'm just glad Luka wasn't there, or he might have broken the guy's neck. You know how he gets when people he cares about are in danger."
"Mmm-hmm. Have you talked to him since then?"
"No, he's upstairs. He was concerned about Mrs. Massey's collapsed lung, and wanted to follow up." She was referring to the mother in the family car.
"Good, good." Kerry nodded in approval. "I was talking to him earlier, before they all came in."
"Oh, yeah?"
"He was going to tell you later, but since you're here..." Kerry swallowed a mouthful of coffee, took a breath, and decided to just dive into it. "We were saying that the four of us should meet at my house. You, me, Luka and John."
Abby's eyebrows went up, but her look was reserved. "Didn't we try that once already?"
"I don't mean to have sex. I mean to talk. John and I, especially, have been doing too much of the former and not enough of the latter."
>From the look on Abby's face, she might have disagreed, but she didn't say so. "All right. That sounds like a good idea. Clear the air and all that."
"Exactly. I was thinking we should all have dinner. I'll cook."
"Okay." Abby finished her coffee and rinsed out her cup. "Anything you want to talk about now, or should we save it until we're all together?"
"I'm not sure John will agree as quickly," Kerry told her, dodging the question. "Luka said he'd talk to him, but maybe if you do, too, it would help."
"Well, I'll certainly talk to him, Kerry, but if he decides he doesn't want to, I'm not going to try to change his mind. As much as I want you two to be happy together, I have to respect his choices as a friend."
"I know..."
Abby looked like she was ready to go back to work, but she paused to put a hand on Kerry's shoulder, in almost exactly the same way Luka had done earlier that day. "He still loves you, you know. When he thought you were in danger, the way he reacted...it didn't matter that you'd hurt him."
Kerry didn't reply.
Abby turned away, and was almost to the door when Kerry said, "I love him."
She turned back. "What?"
Kerry squared her shoulders and made herself face Abby directly. "I said I love him. I can't pretend I don't anymore."
"Oh, Kerry..." The nurse came to her and put her arms around Kerry's shoulders, hugging her warmly. "Have you told him?"
Kerry eased herself free of Abby's embrace. "No, and please don't tell him."
"Why not?"
"I've already been through it with Luka once today, and I'm not up to another conversation about it. But it's one of the main reasons I want us to meet again."
Abby nodded. "Of course. I'll do all I can to get John to come to dinner, if that's the case.
Kerry nodded once, as though closing the matter. "At any rate, Abby, you win, and I thought you should know it. I play fair, after all."
There was an odd moment as Abby angled an eyebrow at her. "I win?" she repeated, puzzled.
"Our bet, remember? I admit it, I give, I surrender. I'm in love with John Carter and I'm saying so. You don't owe me anything," she concluded glumly, leaning a hip against the sink.
Both women were quiet for a bit, and then Abby began laughing softly.
Kerry scowled at her. "Didn't anyone ever tell you that gloating isn't considered the act of a good sport?" she said. "Honestly, Abby, learn how to win graciously."
That made Abby laugh harder. "Kerry," she said, when she could talk, "you're a good friend and I love you, but sometimes you can be really fucking dense." She leaned in to give Kerry a sisterly kiss on the mouth, then turned to leave.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Kerry asked, indignantly.
"Check your calendar, sweetie," Abby said over her shoulder before she pushed open the door and disappeared.
Kerry stood alone, wondering what had gotten into Abby, and then decided to forget it and get back to her paperwork. All those reports waiting for her, each one with today's date on it...
Today's date. The first of the month.
She'd made it past the wager's deadline before admitting she loved John.
"Oh my god," she muttered to herself incredulously. "I won..."
All the way back to her office, she thought about Abby's obligation to devote her gifted mouth to Kerry's pleasure. Twice. It didn't exactly make up for losing the man she loved, but it was an interesting consolation prize.
When Malucci asked her in passing what she was grinning about, she surprised everyone by patting his cheek and replying, "Maybe I'll tell you when you're older, Dave."
***********************
After checking on Mrs. Massey, Luka had returned to the ER only to hear about the other driver frantically waving a gun around. To hear Malik tell it, Kerry was lucky to not have any broken bones from the flying tackle that Carter had hit her with. Somehow, Luka wasn't surprised to hear that John's first instinct had been to protect Kerry. Luka sought out Abby to tell her about his and Kerry's plan to have them all get together for dinner and a long talk. He received his second surprise of the day to find out from her that Kerry had already mentioned it -- and that Kerry had admitted to being in love with John. If Kerry was so willing to share the news, why couldn't she share it with the person who needed to hear it the most? Luka wondered.
"I guess I should track him down and see how he feels about this dinner," Luka said.
"Good luck. If you fail to convince him to show up, then I promised I'd do all I could to make John change his mind," Abby told him.
Luka grinned. "I'll do my best to convince him then, so you won't have to. Any idea where he's gone off to? I don't see his name on the board."
"On break. Try the roof. He looked as if he could use some fresh air after that gun scare." She replied.
"Who are you looking for?" Malucci asked as he paused while pulling a chart from the rack.
"Carter," Luka simply replied.
"He ain't up on the roof, I was just there getting some air." If Malucci felt any resentment over his and Carter's earlier 'encounter', he wasn't showing it.
"Thank you. Maybe I'll try the cafeteria." Luka said.
"Glad to be of help," Malucci replied with a grin as he walked away, chart in hand.
"Excuse me," Frank said, leaning over the desk. "I heard Dr. Carter saying something about needing to check out something in the basement."
"The basement?" Abby repeated, clearly confused.
Frank nodded. "Didn't make any sense to me, either, but hey, who am I to argue with where the docs want to spend their break times?"
"Thank you, Frank," Luka said. He took Abby by the arm and walked away from the admit area, tired of being overheard every time he opened his mouth. "If you need me, page me," he said.
"Right. I hope you find him." Abby replied, her brown eyes worried.
"So do I. Although I'm sure he was just looking for a quiet place to rest. After all, nearly everyone escapes to the ambulance bay or the roof, don't they?" Luka asked with a small smile as he tried to put Abby at ease. John never went anyplace *but* the roof or the ambulance bay when he wanted some fresh air or to grab a quick break from the ER. Never.
Abby nodded and smiled back. "You had better hurry up before another trauma hits us or you'll never get a chance to talk with him."
"You're right. I'll be back soon. And with a 'yes' from him," Luka said as they walked to the elevators.
Abby laughed. "Pretty sure of your persuasive powers, aren't you?"
Luka grinned wickedly. "Yes, I am." The elevator door opened and after all the passengers had spilled out, Luka stepped inside. "Maybe I'll give you a free demonstration later?"
Abby laughed. "Maybe...although I can't of anything that I need persuading to do. Now, I might need to see if you can persuade yourself to do the dishes every night..."
Luka was saved from hearing Abby's other ideas by the closing of the doors.
*************************
The basement. So many places for Carter to have gone, Luka thought as he stepped out of the elevator. In one direction lay the morgue. In the other, nothing but a lot of empty storage rooms. Luka slowly smiled as he let his feet take him toward one storage room in particular -- the room where it really all began.
The door was slightly ajar and Luka could see that the light bulb had been replace by the warm glow that was falling through the crack, almost showing him the way to John. Luka quietly pushed the door open some more, his eyes already scanning the room for a sign of his friend, and yes, lover. Those hazel eyes came to a stop at the far wall, where John was seated on the mattress, his back to the wall.
Since John had his knees drawn up and his head resting on his knees, he couldn't have seen Luka in the doorway, and yet he said Luka's name before he ever raised his head. Their eyes met and locked. "Come on in. It's safe to close the door. The lock's been removed. For safety, I guess." John said.
"Are you sorry that the lock wasn't removed long ago?" Luka asked as he stepped into the room and let the door close behind him.
John shook his head. "No." He gestured to the mattress, indicating that he wanted Luka to sit with him. "No, I'm not sorry at all about that. What about you?" John's brown eyes were even darker than normal as he looked up at Luka.
"No. I'm not sorry about it, either. If the door had not been locked, then I would have never found you, and I don't regret that one bit, John." Luka eased himself to the floor. "Seems warmer in here now."
"Yeah." John simply replied.
Luka looked around the room, noting that the massage oil, the candle and the radio had all disappeared. Returned to hiding, he wondered, or properly disposed of? Not that it really mattered. All that happened that night seemed as if it had happened a hundred years ago. It was now the stuff of dreams. Pleasant dreams, but dreams nonetheless. As much as he ached to feel John's touch upon his skin or his mouth on his cock, or how warm and tight John was inside, Luka knew it wouldn't happen again. That had been John's choice and even though Luka hated that choice, he knew he had to honor it. The best that could happen now would be to help John and Kerry find a way to resolve the issues between them. Maybe they would find love -- which was Luka's hope. But it was possible they wouldn't. And if that was to be their fate then Luka wanted to make sure that everything possible had been done to make it easier for each of them to handle.
Luka was trying to find a way to bring up the meeting at Kerry's house when John spoke. "I fucked up today, Luka, and people could have died because of it." John was staring at his knees, his hands curled into fists in his lap.
"I heard that your patient had a gun and that you got Kerry out of the way. I don't see how that can be considered fucking up, John."
John shook his head. "Don't you see? I left Abby standing there, Luka. Alone. Undefended. Vulnerable. It was just a stroke of luck that Malik was able to grab his wrist. Dumb luck. And all because I saw that gun and Kerry in the same room and I knew I couldn't let her risk getting hurt. I should have tried to disarm the patient, Luka. I shouldn't have been tackling Kerry to the ground."
John got up and began to pace the small cleared area of the floor. "What good does it do me to say that I won't be having sex with Kerry if I can't even do my job without thinking of her first? I love her, Luka, and that will never change. I was just deluding myself to think that it would. That all I had to do was say that I wouldn't have sex with someone who didn't love me and that my love would die. It won't. I can see that now. And I can also see that I can't continue to work here at County. Not with Kerry. Not with Abby. And not with you, Luka."
Luka was on his feet in an instant, his hands grabbing John by the shoulders, roughly turning the man so they could speak face to face. "Don't say that, John. You can't leave. You're Abby's best friend, you're my friend. And, yes, if I have my way, you'll be my lover again. You can't leave us."
"I can't stay here, Luka. Knowing how Kerry feels..." there were tears in John's eyes. "I just can't. I'll stay in Chicago. There have to be other ER's that will hire me. I'll see you and Abby still. But I can't come here, day in and day out and see Kerry, knowing how she feels."
Luka drew John against his chest, his arms wrapped around him. "It doesn't have to end like this, John. Trust me."
John shook his head against Luka's shoulder. "It has to end."
An idea sparked in Luka's brain. Okay, he thought, so it's not the truth, but it's not a lie, either. "John," he ventured, "what if I could convince Kerry to meet with you so the two of you can talk things out? I know that you have a lot to say to her and saying those things directly to her face might be therapeutic for you."
"It would hurt too much to be alone with her, Luka. I wouldn't be able to talk or think because all I'd have on my mind would be how easy it was to kiss her...to love her." John's voice was slightly muffled against Luka's lab coat.
"How about if Abby and I were there? To act as a buffer between the two of you? Would that be okay?"
John thought that over for a few moments. "I suppose so. But I wouldn't want anyone getting the wrong ideas..."
"We could just have dinner or something. Everyone would know that sex would not be expected. Just a safe and private environment where you and Kerry can discuss things."
"You'd never get Kerry to agree," John said, stepping back to look into Luka's eyes. "It's a good idea, but I don't think she'd be willing."
"You might be right, but I can try to convince her to say yes." Luka put his fingers under John's chin and tipped it up slightly as he grinned. "Say that you want this, John, and I'll do everything in my power to persuade Kerry to agree."
John looked deeply into Luka's eyes and saw that the man meant what he said. Meeting with Kerry, even with Luka and Abby present, would be difficult, but not impossible. Staying at County with things the way they were *was* impossible. And the truth was that John didn't really want to leave. He nodded. "Okay. If you can get Kerry to say yes, then it's a go."
"Yes!" Luka hugged John tightly, impulsively kissing him on the lips. It was meant to be a quick kiss of victory and acceptance, but it turned into something more when John's lips parted under his. Luka's tongue sought out the contours of John's mouth, exploring greedily, afraid that this chance would never come again. Their hands were roaming, caressing and teasing. Luka felt his belt being unbuckled, heard the zipper of his pants lower and he tensed as he waited for the touch of John's hand upon his heated flesh. What he got instead was a vibration and the sound of a beeper sounding off. "Damn it!" Luka broke away from John, noting John's swollen lips and flushed face. The desire in his dark eyes and the prominent bulge in behind the pants that Luka's hands hadn't been quick enough to free. Luka scowled at his pager. "I've got to go."
John laughed. "Figures." He took a deep breath, somewhat disappointed that they had been interrupted, but also glad of it. So much for him sticking to his 'convictions', he thought. "I'm sure that my break time is long over, so I'll head back with you. Although, I'm sure tongues will wag when we show up in the ER looking as if we were interrupted while having sex."
"Hell, if that were the case, then I'd look angrier," Luka growled as he followed John out of the room.
As Luka headed toward the elevators, John stepped back to the door, taking one last look into the room before he turned off the light and shut the door. Then he followed Luka to the elevators so he could at least try to work without constantly thinking about Kerry.
*************
"So that's the situation," John concluded, letting out a sigh of exhaustion after having talked so much. "That's how I feel."
"I see," said the older woman across from him. Her hands curled around the mug of tea.
John sighed and rolled his neck. Getting it all out in the open was like setting down a huge burden he'd been carrying. But it didn't make the burden go away. "So what do you think?"
She regarded him silently for a long time. Then she said, "John...you know I love you completely. And I'll respect and support any choice you make."
He nodded gratefully. "Thank you. I love you, too."
"But," she added, "you're being a real blockhead."
He blinked in surprise, then laughed. "That's the Gamma I know and love," he said. "So what do you think I should do?"
"I can't tell you that," Millicent Carter said. "It's your choice who to sleep with. But whatever your choice is, I think you should make it for the right reasons. If you want to remain celibate because it's safer during your recovery, or because you don't want to be in a relationship, then that's one thing. But if that's not what you want, and you're just denying the people who love you because they don't live up to some idealized standard in your mind, you've got no one to blame but yourself."
He looked down at the surface of the table. "You mean Kerry?"
"Could be. That's up to you. Kerry, or Abby, or Luka. All three of them, if you want."
John shifted uncomfortably. "I'm surprised to hear you say that."
"Why?"
"Well, Gamma, it's been pretty obvious that you disapproved of...that sort of thing."
She cocked an eyebrow. "What makes you think so?"
"Well..." he said again, spreading his hands. "I mean, with A.C...."
Millicent scowled. "My disapproval of your cousin's private life has nothing to do with her enjoying both sexes. She's always been careless and indiscriminate about her choice of partners. She goes through them casually, with little regard for the consequences, but that's not like you, John. I know that you have real feelings for all three of them, or you wouldn't have slept with any of them."
John digested this silently, then said, "All right. Maybe I could still make love with Luka and Abby, but...not with Kerry."
"Because you're in love with her?"
"Yeah."
"And she doesn't love you?"
"Right."
"But she still wants to have sex with you?"
"That's what she said."
John's grandmother took a long sip of tea, deep in thought. "Then what's the problem?" she said at last.
"Gamma, I just finished explaining the problem!"
"No, you just finished explaining what you think is the problem." She changed her tack. "Do you consider Peter Benton your friend?"
"What?" The change of subject took John off guard at first. "Yes, of course I do. He's one of the people I trust most. He taught me so much of what I know about medicine today, and was there for me when I needed him the most."
"And how often in all the years you've known him has he acknowledged that friendship openly?"
He shook his head. "I see where you're going with this," he said. "But it's different. Kerry looked me right in the eye and told me that she didn't love me."
"And you took her at her word?"
"Why would she lie to me?"
"I don't know," Millicent admitted. "But even if she doesn't, she still wants you in her life. And you want her in yours..."
"Gamma..." John pushed his chair back. "What kind of relationship would that be? I love her, but she doesn't love me? How could I be with her under those circumstances?"
She regarded him very closely. "If your grandfather had felt that way," she said softly, "you wouldn't be here now."
About to stand up, John froze, startled yet again at his grandmother's words. "What's that supposed to mean?"
She waited until he was settled again before replying. "I love your grandfather, John. I love him enough to stand by him for nearly half a century and to run a business and raise a family with him. But I was never in love with him. Not the way you want Kerry to be in love with you."
John was speechless.
"My point is, if you want to wait for some romantic notion of absolute, head-over-heels love to come along, that's your business. But you could be missing out on something very real and infinitely more rewarding that's right in front of you." She finished her tea and set her mug aside. "Maybe if you truly love someone, insisting that their love measure up to yours is just selfish. You love them because you love them. No matter how they feel about you."
John sat quietly; recalling how he'd reacted when he thought Kerry was in danger. The fact that she didn't return his love hadn't entered into it. Maybe Gamma was right. "So you think I should take Kerry back?"
"I think you should go talk to her with an open mind. That's all."
After a long silence, John nodded. He got up and kissed her on the forehead. "Okay," he said.
A little while later, just before they each retired for bed, John asked her, "Why did you marry Granddad, if you didn't love him?"
She smiled and said, "He was rich, he was good in bed, and he loved me. You do the math, kid."
*******************
Kerry wandered, restlessly, through her house in the faint hours before dawn. She told herself she was considering what kind of meal to serve when she had John, Abby and Luka for dinner. But her mind was less concerned with matters of hospitality than those of the heart.
Eventually, she found herself drifting down to the basement, still furnished and awaiting its next tenant. It had waited this way since John moved out, and she'd taken no steps to find another boarder. Of the handful of young men and women she'd housed here since buying the house, only one had made it his own, leaving a permanent psychic imprint on the space, and violating that space seemed wrong to her.
Leaving the lights off and descending the stairs into John's former abode, Kerry found her thoughts turning to another enclosed storage space, the storeroom at County where she'd first seen John naked, in Luka's company. She had to smile at the thought of how one impulse of Abby's part, half angry and half whimsical, had launched the four of them on a whirlwind ride of sexual self-discovery. That ride, initially lighthearted, had affected them all more deeply than any could have foreseen, and yet she felt stronger for it all.
Sensing that ride was nearing a conclusion - or maybe just a change of course - Kerry wondered if some similar event would help them all resolve things. There was that moment when they were all locked in together, just before Frank blundered in and set them free, when it looked like a huge four-way free-for-all was imminent. If only she could go back in time and recreate that moment...
Then, like the Grinch, Kerry got an idea. A wonderful, awful idea.
Oh, don't do this, she told herself. It's too evil. It's such a dirty trick to pull.
But it would be so easy, and soooo much fun...
Kerry dashed upstairs and picked up the phone, flipping through her address book until she found Whit Jefferson's number. She was halfway through dialing it before it occurred to her that it was the middle of the night. He and Roshana and their children would all be fast asleep.
Hanging up, she penned herself a quick note to call him in the morning. He'd done such a great job rigging her stereo so that her remote would activate it from any room in the house that she had no doubt he could do what she had in mind. Maybe she wouldn't do it after all, depending on how dinner with the other three went, but she liked the thought of having the option.
And, if things went the right way, well...who knew when history might repeat itself?
The unexpected ringing of her telephone made Kerry jump and she snatched it up quickly. "Hello?"
"Kerry, it's Luka."
"Hi, there," Kerry said, the tension now gone from her voice. "What's up?"
"I spoke with John and he's willing to meet at your house. Just the four of us, for dinner and a discussion. Just say when and he'll be there."
"He agreed just like that?" Kerry asked. It wasn't that she doubted Luka. His voice sounded happy enough about the news. But it wasn't like John to give in so quickly and Kerry had been sure that he would need to be talked into the meeting.
"Just like that," Luka agreed. "So, find a date on your calendar and mark us all in."
"I'll have to check the schedules, but I have copies of them here. I can let everyone know in the morning when to be here."
"That's great. Sleep well, Kerry."
"You, too, Luka. And the same for Abby." Kerry hung up the phone and stood there, slightly shocked. She had been so sure...and yet Luka said John had agreed. John was always going to surprise her, she thought.
A grin broke out on Kerry's face. In the morning, she would call Whit, then look over the work schedules and her calendar. One thing was definitely for sure -- if she had thought waiting for their 'foursome' had been difficult, she knew that waiting for this dinner would be exquisite torture.