Luka Kovac sat to his left, Abby Lockhart to his right, and Kerry Weaver across from him. It reminded him briefly of a dinner he and Kerry had shared with Peter Benton and Lucy Knight. That had been a strange, slightly awkward affair; none of them had known quite what to talk about with each other once they were outside the work environment. That was typical of his relationship with Benton, only communicating in fits and starts, and things hadn't been much better with Lucy. And now Lucy was dead, and any hope of reaching the kind of equilibrium with her that he'd reached with Benton was lost forever.
John closed off that line of thought. It had nearly led him to destruction once. Never again, he vowed.
Kerry had cooked a full meal tonight, as then, and probably had an easier time of it without his help. Had she been relieved at the lack of distraction, he wondered? Or did she miss his company as much as he wished she did?
Everyone complimented her on the dinner, but the conversation level was otherwise low. They'd been trying to come together for so long, on and off, and now that they were all here, no one knew how to get into it.
The lightest moment, surprisingly, came from Kerry as she told them about a patient she'd treated the day before, an elderly woman who had eyed her with curiosity all afternoon until she overheard someone call Kerry by her first name. "I knew it!" the woman had said, her face lighting up. "I remember you from the Olympics, and how brave you were! Pity it never healed entirely, but you clearly made the best of it, becoming a doctor." Kerry had puzzled over that one for an hour before realizing that, with her high voice, red hair and limp, the old woman thought she was Kerri Strugg. That made everyone laugh and groan.
When they were finished, Kerry cleared the table with Abby's help. John had the urge to help as well, but somehow he sensed that Kerry would rather he didn't. The distance between them still made such casual proximity too awkward.
When the women returned, Abby carried a tray of four coffee mugs. When she handed them around, however, John's nose caught the scent of cocoa rather than coffee. It was a pleasure he recalled from some winter evenings when he and Kerry were both home together; no one made cocoa quite like Kerry.
Abby remained standing after Kerry sat down, and everyone focused their attention on the nurse. "Hello, my name is Abby," she said, "and I'm an alcoholic."
"Hi, Abby," John said automatically.
"Oh, wait, that meeting's on Monday night," she added, rolling her eyes goofily. It was a weak joke, but the ice was broken. Everyone felt the tension fade somewhat.
Abby sat down on the other side of Kerry, and the anxious woman found herself flanked by strength with Luka on one side and Abby on the other. John sat in a nearby chair, but within easy reach of Luka.
"The cocoa's as good as I remember," John said after taking a tentative sip of the hot liquid.
"Yes, Kerry does have a way with cocoa, doesn't she?" Abby asked, a grin on her face, and John was slightly surprised to see a blush grow on Kerry's cheeks. The two woman had shared a bed, that much he knew, but he wondered how in the world something as simple as cocoa could be involved in *that*.
"Thank you," Kerry said. She took a deep breath and looked over at John. "The reason I asked Luka to invite you here is..."
"You what?" John interrupted, casting a puzzled glance in Luka's direction. "I asked Luka to see if we could get together to talk."
Luka cleared his throat and did his best to avoid both stares. "Does it really matter who thought of meeting like this? The important thing is that we're all here and the two of you need to talk and get your feelings out in the open. We all know how you feel, John. So, I think we should let Kerry continue."
"Agreed," John said, his gaze once more shifting to the woman he loved. He wanted so much to tell her that he was willing to have a relationship on her terms -- no matter what those terms might be. But he knew that she wanted to talk, and it was only right that he listen to what Kerry had to say.
"Thank you," Kerry once more repeated. She nervously licked her lips and her hands reached out automatically, seeking support. Abby and Luka each grasped a hand, cradling Kerry's hands within their own; knowing how difficult this admission was going to be for her. "I lied to you, John. I shouldn't have, but I did. And I was lying to myself as well."
John's brow furrowed as he tried to figure out just what Kerry meant and he looked at her questioningly, even as Luka's hand tightly grasped his, lending him the same strength he was lending to Kerry.
"I do love you," Kerry admitted, her soft voice clouded with tears waiting to be shed. "I've always loved you."
John felt something deep inside him, the same feeling he'd experienced the first morning in Atlanta, after the longest, darkest night he'd ever lived through. The feeling when the sun rose again.
"I love you all," Kerry added, looking at her other two guests. "But the fact of the matter is that I am still your supervisor. I am the Chief of Emergency Medicine, and I am responsible first and foremost for the operation of the Emergency Room. That means that tomorrow, or the next day, at any hour, I may have to issue orders or make decisions that will hurt you. And if I have to choose between my professional responsibilities and my personal feelings, you all know what I'm going to choose."
No one contradicted her. They all remembered occasions that supported her point.
"I have lost many friends because of the hard choices I've had to make," Kerry continued. "Many of them even before we became friends. I cut them off before they had the chance. In each case, I believe I did the right thing, and I know I will make similar choices again in the future." She sniffled. "I can accept the animosity of almost anyone, if that's the price I have to pay to do my job. But I can't take that chance with someone I'm in love with. Not after Kim, and especially not after Michael."
John knew about Kim Legaspi, if only in general terms, but he'd never heard the other name.
"Who is Michael?" Luka asked softly, beating him to the punch.
The redheaded woman took in a deep breath before replying. "My husband."
John blinked his mind shocked at that revelation. "Husband? You're married?"
"Was," Kerry corrected. "I was married. It was a long time ago."
"But you've never said anything..." Abby said and the others nodded. "Not that I can blame you --- if it were a bad marriage, that is."
Kerry pulled her hands free of Abby and Luka's, as though the memories were too dangerous to share while being touched. "Michael was the first man I thought I loved, and who claimed to love me. I had, um, kind of a reputation in high school, one that followed me into college even though I didn't do that sort of thing anymore." She scowled. "They used to call me 'Weaver the Blowjob Queen'."
The others all shifted slightly, all remembering how good Kerry's mouth had made them feel. The pleasure of the memories felt a little guilty at the moment.
"Michael worked long and hard to convince me that he wasn't just after me for my...favors. He wanted to know me, and to make love to me. I thought I'd finally found the pot of gold at the rainbow's end."
"The what?" Luka said, mildly puzzled.
"Tell you later," Abby replied, motioning to let her continue.
Kerry took a gulp of her cocoa and went on. "I didn't know until too late that Michael only loved things he couldn't have. It was like a challenge to him; the more unreachable something was, the more he wanted it. Once he got it, he'd conquered it, and it was always anti-climatic. If you could be conquered, he lost all respect for you, even became contemptuous. You weren't worth his time anymore."
"And that's how he treated you?" John said softly, already hating this man.
She nodded. "But he couldn't just divorce me, that would be like admitting he was wrong. He just held onto me, always a little less satisfied, always a little more disappointed in me. And he was an expert in making me think it was my fault." She sniffled. "Like he'd shown faith in me and I hadn't lived up to it, as a wife or as a lover or as a person."
Abby bowed her head, maybe thinking of her own ex-husband.
"He made me...do things to prove my love for him," Kerry continued. "Sometimes little, unimportant things, other times..." She let that thought trail off. "But every day, every fucking day, no matter how horrible it had been between us...he said he loved me. As much as I knew he really hated me, and made me almost hate myself, he kept saying it. I love you, I love you, I love you..." There was a bitter twist to her voice. "And he wouldn't leave me alone until I said it back to him. Every time."
Abby looked like she wanted to put a hand on Kerry's shoulder, but Kerry moved a little, just enough to signify wanting to maintain her space.
"Is that why you insisted you didn't love me?" John asked, his voice barely above a whisper. And had he hurt her, he wondered, by declaring his love for her?
She nodded. "I've never been able to say it to anyone since," she told him, angrily rubbing tears out of her eyes. "And that's why I'm so afraid, John. I know...how you feel about me, how you almost seem to idolize me sometimes, and that's what frightens me most. I love being with you, but I can't stand the thought that one day you'll wake up and hate me."
John wanted to ball his fists in anger at this Michael bastard, but Luka s grip on his hand reminded him where he was and who he was talking to. "Kerry..." he said carefully, putting as much tenderness into his voice as he could, "I've already hated you."
Three heads snapped around in shock.
"Yeah," he said with a nod. "I hated you for embarrassing me on the video of the first trauma I ran. I hated you for making me redo my internship when I switched from surgery. I hated you for making me move out of your house, and I really hated you for confronting me about the drugs and banishing me to Atlanta. You, too," he added with a look at Abby.
Kerry closed her eyes.
"I've hated you frequently, sometimes on a daily basis," John went on, "in all the same ways I've hated Peter Benton through the years I've known him. For all the ways you both pushed me or rejected me or..."
"John," Abby interrupted quietly, "I thought Peter was one of your closest friends."
"Not a close friend," John corrected her, "but certainly one of the best."
"That doesn't make any..."
"No, I know what he means," Luka put in softly. "There's a difference."
"But my point is," John said, feeling things starting to wander off-topic, "that what I thought was hatred, on the surface, was really something else. The hate never lasted, because it was just the shadow of how I really felt."
"You loved him," Luka clarified.
He nodded. "The same way, or some of the same ways, that I love you, Kerry. You made me work harder and learn more, you looked out for me instead of indulging me, and you made me face what was happening to me."
"John...I'd do that for anyone."
"I know. And I love you for that, too. That you take care of people you don't like with the same dedication you show your friends."
"Okay, see, this is what I mean about idolizing me..."
"Kerry," John interrupted, "I've known you longer than anyone here. I've worked and lived with you, so believe me, I know exactly what a ruthless, short-tempered, umm..." He floundered for words.
"Crabby," Abby supplied.
"Snappish," Luka put in.
"Insecure," Abby added.
"Hey, hey, no prompting from the studio audience," Kerry told them, the familiar Weaver gruffness mixing with mild amusement.
"Bitch you can be," John finished. "I know all your worst points, Kerry Weaver, things that would send most people screaming into the night. And I love you for all of those, too, the way you can only really love someone when you know how hard life with them can be."
Kerry took Abby and Luka's hands again, squeezing them warmly, and they squeezed John's in response. The relayed pulse flowed so smoothly that he could almost imagine that he was alone with Kerry, holding her hands directly.
"I love you for being honest and compassionate and sexy," he pressed on, dead serious now, "but more than that, I love you for all the times you slapped my hand when I wanted you to hold it." He smiled that magical smile they all adored. "That's why I'll always love you, no matter how you may feel about me. Because sometimes the greatest act of love is to give someone what they need, instead of what they want."
Kerry's eyes, shining with tears, were riveted onto his.
"Add to that how I feel about you as a woman, and, well..." he finished, somewhat lamely.
Kerry chuckled. "I know all too well how you feel about me as woman. How *all* of you feel about me as a woman. And I can easily say that I feel the same way about you. About all of you. You've each made me feel special in your own unique ways, and I wouldn't trade that for anything."
"Me, either," John said, his gaze going from person to person. "I know I was a little abrupt when I broke things off with everyone and backed out of the...out of the night we had planned to spend together. I reacted out of hurt feelings, not really seeing that what each of you offered was something I needed." John's gaze stopped at Kerry. "I was coming here tonight to tell you that I wanted to be with you, even though you didn't love me in the same way I loved you." He looked at Abby, then at Luka. "I wanted to tell all of you that. I wish I could turn back time a bit, to that night..."
Abby walked over to John and lightly touched his cheek. "I think we all wish that, John." She, for one, knew she still wanted to be with John, Kerry and Luka. Together and separate, and separately together.
They all looked at each other, all wanting the same thing, but not knowing how to change gears.
"Luka," Kerry said, "how do you say 'Kiss me, you fool' in Croatian?"
"Like this." He tilted her chin up and kissed her lips softly.
John watched her slip her arms about his waist and return the kiss, feeling an odd warmth where he'd thought he might feel jealousy. The thought of Kerry kissing another man would normally hurt, but not with Luka. He was close to them both, so it felt all right. Better than all right.
He looked up at Abby to see how she felt about it, but she was looking at him, too. Getting to his feet, John stared deep into her eyes, guiding her face to his and kissing her with a depth of feeling that surprised him. Though he'd once blamed her for Mark and Kerry's discovery of his addiction, she'd become closer than his own sister to him. He thought, sometimes, that in another reality, she might have been the one...
Luka's gentle hands on their shoulder prompted them to end the kiss, and they parted. He looked like a dancer cutting in, but turned not to Abby but to John, taking the younger man in his arms. Not for the first time, John thought how much he looked like the way John had often imagined Bobby would look by now, if he'd lived. He opened his lips and they met Luka's.
As had happened each and every other time that the two men had kissed, passion flared between them. John could taste the cocoa on Luka's lips and he parted his own lips to give Luka a chance to taste the cocoa in his mouth. It was an invitation that Luka didn't decline. An invitation that Luka had never declined, and that knowledge thrilled John. Despite the fact that Luka knew he loved Kerry, and had just watched him kiss Abby while he himself was kissing Kerry -- Luka still wanted him. Luka, like Abby and Kerry, didn't look at John and find him lacking. And that alone spurred John's arousal to the next level.
They pulled apart, John's pulse and breathing accelerating with his growing arousal, and turned to see how the women were enjoying the sight of the two men kissing.
The women, however, weren't watching them, but enjoying a deep, passionate kiss of their own. John saw Abby's arms encircling Kerry's back, one hand clutching at her shoulder blade, the other sliding down to caress her hip. Kerry's hand was on Abby's breast, the fingers of the other one twining through brown hair as they cupped the back of her skull. Their lips moved wetly over each other's, creating a seal around open mouths.
John felt his erection; already hard from kissing Abby and Luka, double in stiffness at the sight of the two women he loved loving each other. He knew that Abby and Kerry had slept together in the past, but this was the first time he'd seen them together in a sexual situation. The thought had excited him in the abstract, but the sight of the real thing threatened to make him explode.
Luka stepped in, cutting in once again, and Abby peeled easily away from Kerry, looking flushed and hungry, and turned her attention on the tall man. She kissed him with the kind of zeal that usually follows the words, 'I now pronounce you...' Luka's arms pulled her in tight to him, lifting her off the floor. John couldn't help but feel that they looked right together.
Then he turned to Kerry and she to him, and the world seemed to stop for a moment.
Their eyes met, and if he hadn't been in love with her before, he would have fallen at this moment. Even so, he felt himself falling all over again. Luka Kovac and Abby Lockhart both had a place in his heart, but Kerry Weaver had captured that heart altogether.
He put his arms around her, like a delicate flower, and she put her hand on his cheek, drawing him down to her, and they kissed. It wasn't the same kind of raw passion that either of them had felt while kissing Abby and Luka, or even the kind they had experienced with each other in the past. This was something that went beyond sex, beyond intimacy or romance, into a realm that he'd often imagined but only recently discovered. Their lips parted with a grace that was almost poetic.
"John..." Kerry said, almost in a whisper.
He waited without speaking for her next words, whatever they might be.
"Did you ever get the feeling," she asked, "that you were being...watched?"
They turned their heads, almost self-consciously, and sure enough, Abby and Luka were watching them, all smiles, their own kiss ended.
For one of the rare times in her life, Kerry blushed.
John smiled at his lovers, then scooped Kerry up into his arms, a shiver running down his spine as she wrapped her arms around his neck. "Follow me upstairs," he said. Then John turned and carefully headed up the stairs, not wanting to drop his precious cargo.
By the time he gently eased Kerry onto the bed, Luka and Abby were at the doorway, and they quietly, yet quickly, joined John on the bed with Kerry.
There was another awkward moment as they sat there looking at each other. The look of love that Abby could see in Kerry and John's eyes touched her, and she had the satisfaction of knowing that her lovers had closed one chapter in their lives and were now starting a new one. "I love you," Abby said. "All of you. And no matter what happens after tonight, I'll never forget this."
There were murmurs of agreement from her bedmates and then Abby grinned. "But, I must say that I can't wait to watch you make love to Kerry," she said to John.
John felt his cheeks redden and he looked into Kerry's eyes. "Not as much as I can't wait to make love to her," he softly said as he leaned in to once more tenderly kiss her. But Kerry wasn't after tender right then. Passion flared between them and John could feel Kerry's hands, and then others, pulling at his clothes until he was naked. And those other hands had been helpful to him as well as they had helped Kerry disrobe.
"Well, far be it from me to disappoint Abby," John said as he traced a path over Kerry's belly with his finger. "What do you say, Kerry? Shall we give Abby what she wants?"
Kerry relaxed against the covers, her hands resting on John's shoulders as his tongue replaced his finger upon her skin. "We most definitely should give Abby what she wants," Kerry said.