"Desperate Vigil, Part Nine"
By Cathy Roberts
A persistent whimpering slipped into Luka's consciousness. As he slowly awakened, he became aware of John's body next to his: warm and naked. He smiled as he remembered their lovemaking, but his smile quickly faded as he heard John cry out in his sleep. Luka opened his eyes as he pulled John closer.
"John? Wake up. It's just a bad dream." Luka gently shook John's shoulders, trying to wake him up as carefully as possible.
John's eyes flew open, and he gazed at Luka with horror and confusion in his eyes; the same look that had been in them when he awoke in the trauma room. It was obvious that he was still in the throes of his nightmare, and Luka began to speak softly to him, knowing that it didn't matter what he said, as long as he kept his voice soft and gentle. "It's okay, John. I'm here and you're safe. You're safe now. It's all right."
John slowly blinked, then recognition returned to his eyes. "Luka?" he shakily asked.
"I'm here. You're safe now, John. You were having a bad dream, but it's over."
John shook his head, then grimaced. "My back is killing me."
"You should take something for it. Wait here and I'll get your medicine." Luka got out of bed and went to the kitchen for a glass of water and a pain tablet for John.
When he returned, John once again shook his head. "I don't want to take anything."
"John, if you're in this much pain, then you should take something."
"No."
"Okay," Luka said, although he wasn't really giving in. Millicent's advice on how to handle John had included letting John think he was getting his way when he was being obstinate, then slowly manipulating him to do what you really wanted him to do. "I won't make you take anything. But, I can't help but feel guilty for hurting you this way."
"You didn't hurt me," John said, a look of confusion on his face. Why was Luka backing down about the pill? He never did that.
"But, I did. When you returned from your doctor appointment, you weren't hurting. Now you are. I have no choice except to think that our having sex is what put you in pain. Obviously, your green light was given too early."
"No," John quickly replied. "It wasn't. My back was hurting a little earlier, I just didn't want to say anything about it. I was afraid that you'd decide we couldn't have sex if my back was hurting."
"I might have. But, I might have just suggested that you take something for the pain and then had my way with you," Luka said with a suggestive grin. "I have two hours and thirty minutes before I have to be at work. If you weren't in any pain, then we might find a very satisfying way to spend that time. But, since you are in pain and refuse to take anything to stop it..." Luka let his voice trail off, his eyes on John's face. John was clearly thinking about what Luka had said and what he had implied. Not that Luka had any intention of repeating what they had done earlier. Not with John's back acting up. But, he could think of some other things they could do, things that wouldn't bother John's back at all.
Just thinking about what they could do was making Luka hard, and it didn't take long for John to notice that. His eyes were on Luka's erection as he nodded. "Okay. You're right. I'll take the pill."
Luka handed the pill and glass to John, smiling as John swallowed the medicine and drank all the water, then gave the glass back to him. Luka put the glass on the nightstand, then crawled back into bed, pressing his body against John's. His hands roved over John's body, caressing his erection briefly, then moving to other areas. "I'm not going to get quite as physical as I was earlier, but I do intend to make love to you, John," he whispered into John's ear shortly before he began to slowly suck John's ear lobe.
"JA ljubav te." Luka kissed his way down John's neck.
"JA potreba te." Luka's tongue lightly ran the length of John's collarbone before heading down the middle of his chest.
"Ti si zrak JA disati." Luka kissed John's hip, then planted kisses across his belly until he reached the other hip, lightly nipping it with his teeth.
"Ti si moj srcem i dušom." Luka placed his lips on the shaft of John's penis, sucking gently.
"JA volja ljubav te zauvijek." Luka drew John into his mouth, tickling his member with his tongue as his hands traced circles on the softness of John's inner thighs.
John whimpered, but there was no pain behind the sound this time. No fear. No confusion. Just an aching need that only Luka could fill. He struggled to remember the words Luka had taught him earlier. The only ones he could remember were the ones that meant "I love you", and John knew they were woefully inadequate for how he felt about Luka. Yes, he loved him. He needed him. He lived for Luka's touch. Yearned for his smile. John only felt complete when they were one and he wanted, needed, for that to happen again.
"JA ljubav te."
Luka smiled around John's erection as he heard him say those words with such passion in his voice. Selfishly, he changed his plans, knowing that he had to be in John one more time or he would die. He knew that to be a fact. Ever so gently, he pursued his goal of pleasing John, then they joined together, moving in a dance nearly as old as time itself. By the time Luka left for work, he was already late. But, he didn't care. Not today. Not when he could go to work with the memory of John's kisses on his skin.
Luka's elation was short lived. Once at work, he found himself working non-stop, mostly beside Dave Malucci and Cleo Finch, both of whom were giving him the cold shoulder. Malucci's attitude was expected, but Luka wasn't sure why Cleo was cold toward him. She had not been there when Malucci told people about him and John being a couple, so Luka had no idea how she felt about that. Since Benton was a friend and mentor to John, Luka had figured that Cleo would be non-committal about it at the least. He certainly had not expected her to behave like this.
Around midnight, there was a lull and Luka sought out Cleo, wanting to know if he had done something to offend her. He still wasn't quite used to the nuances of race relations in the United States, and he wasn't sure he ever would be. Mistakenly say the wrong thing and you would find yourself accused of being a racist. Luka wasn't really sure what a racist was, but he didn't think he was one. He found Cleo in the suture room, working on charts.
"Got a minute?" he asked from the doorway.
Cleo didn't bother to look up. "I'm busy."
"Too busy to give me even a minute of your time? I promise it won't take longer than that," he said with a sincere smile.
Cleo sighed and looked up at him, her pen clenched tightly in her hand, the look on her face sour. "One minute."
Luka stepped into the room, waiting until the door had closed behind him before speaking. "Have I done something to offend you? You've seemed upset with me all night."
"You're carrying on an affair with another man, Doctor Kovac. Isn't that more than enough to offend other people? It's bad enough that you and Carter are...well, you know, but to advertise the fact is reprehensible. People like you make me sick."
"Why should the gender of who I sleep with matter to you?"
"Because it's wrong, that's why. The Bible is very clear on that. You come across as a good Catholic, but you must not have been paying much attention during Mass or you would know that what you're doing is a sin against God and nature."
"So much for being non-judgmental, hmm? I'm sorry if my life offends you, Cleo. But, I'm not going to give up the man I love just because you're suddenly righteous. The Bible also is very clear about a man and woman engaging in sex outside of marriage, but that hasn't stopped you from being with Benton, has it? Is one sin more heinous than another?"
"Yes, when the sin in question is an abomination. Your minute is up, I need to get back to work." She turned her attention back to the chart in front of her, summarily dismissing him.
Luka shook his head and left the room. One thing he couldn't quite understand about Americans was their ability to pick and chose which of the Ten Commandments they wanted to follow, or which of the other laws and "thou shalt nots" they wanted to heed. Feeling the need for fresh air, Luka headed to the roof. He was saddened to find that Cleo felt that way. While Malucci's opinion didn't matter to him, Cleo's had. Or maybe it was more a case of he hated finding out that yet another person was against his and John's happiness. Couldn't they see the love there? Was it so wrong for him and John to be in love with each other? Not in his heart and soul it wasn't.
Luka reached the roof and headed for the railing, resting his elbows on the edge and staring out over Chicago. From the street, looking out in this direction was uninspiring, giving him nothing but a dirty view of a bad part of the city. From up here, it was easy to believe that people weren't down below hurting each other. Hurting themselves. Hating each other and hating themselves. He felt that most Americans didn't appreciate just how free they were. While it was true that many groups didn't get along and there was racial and cultural hatred all around, it wasn't so bad as to bring them to war. Not like back home where a person would be executed in the street for the crime of being a Croatian or a Muslim. But, America was still a young country. Who knew what would happen in a few more hundred years? After all, the hatreds between the Serbs and Croats spanned back further than that. If there was anyone who knew or cared about what began the hatred, it would surprise him. But, not knowing why they hated each other didn't keep them from hating. And killing.
But, he and Marija had overcome that. When they looked at each other they never saw Serb and Croat, or Orthodox and Catholic. They simply saw first a girl and boy who liked each other, and later, a woman and man who loved each other. And in their immediate world, all was well. It took a narrow-minded, hate filled person to shatter that world. To make Luka suffer, as one of his neighbors had said, for the sin of loving a woman who was the wrong nationality. For loving Marija. If he had never loved her, then she would still be alive now. He sighed, knowing that it also meant that he would not have had his children, even for such a short time. He wouldn't trade those memories for anything in the world. He and Marija had a good love and a good life. They created beautiful and delightful children, full of promise. But, that was gone now, with only photographs to remind him of all he had lost. John had never asked for Luka to remove the photos of his wife and children, but one afternoon while John was napping, Luka had done that. It wasn't fair to make John look at them. Perhaps cause him to wonder if he was just second best in Luka's heart. Luka wanted him to know that he was first, now and always. You couldn't stay in love with a corpse, no matter how fulfilling that love had been.
Luka smiled as he remembered the day with John. It had been nice to once more be fully intimate with John. He had not missed Marija since the moment his and John's lips met for the first time. It might not have been like that if he had decided to pursue Carol Hathaway. It had been her resemblance to Marija that had attracted him to her in the first place, but the resemblance was only physical in nature. While Carol was a nice person, she wasn't the generous and giving soul that Marija had been. John was. And Luka fully enjoyed John's nature.
Luka tensed as he heard footsteps behind him. He turned his head and saw Peter Benton approaching him.
"I didn't know you were working tonight," Luka said.
"I'm not. My shift ended at midnight. I saw Carter today. He's getting better, but he still has a long way to go before he'll be one hundred percent well."
"I know. It's been difficult for him."
"Yeah. It has. He's been pushing himself, and that can do him more harm than good."
"I keep trying to tell him that."
"Do you?" Benton's voice was sharp and Luka looked up, wondering what was behind this?
"Yes, I do. I don't want him back in the hospital."
"I just bet you don't. He's only pushing himself for your benefit. Carter's like that, you know. He'll do anything to please someone, to have someone tell him that they care about him."
"Just what are you implying?" Luka turned to fully face Benton.
"I'm not implying anything. I think that you managed to catch Carter at a low point in his life and you took full advantage of that. You made him care about you and your opinions, now he'll do anything to keep from having you think badly of him."
"I didn't "make" John care about me. He did that all on his own, thank you very much," Luka didn't like this conversation any more than he had liked the one with Cleo Finch. "I never took advantage of John in any way."
"He never exhibited an interest in men until you came along. Look, I just want you to know that just because he's getting better, you shouldn't let him get too carried away with things."
"Things? Are you talking about sex, Benton?"
"Yes," Peter could feel his cheeks growing warm as he admitted that. He didn't know what to make of Luka Kovac and Carter's relationship with the man. It had bothered him when Carter was in the hospital and Kovac would sleep in the bed with him. But, Anspaugh had let it go, saying that at least Carter was getting some sleep that way and that was all that mattered. Peter didn't quite agree with that. He could remember how eager Carter had been to make him like him years ago. How hard he had worked for Peter's approval. He would approach his relationship with Kovac the same way, Peter was sure of it. What Peter wasn't sure about was whether or not Luka Kovac was worthy of that type of attention. He had overheard Carter today as he asked if he could resume his sex life. That had to be an idea of Kovac's.
"You're jealous." Luka finally said. He had been so blind to not see it before. The sidelong looks that Benton had sent his way, the way the man hovered over John, even when Luka was present. Benton was jealous of him. But, in which way? As a friend who felt excluded? As a potential lover? At least he didn't have to think about Benton being an old lover of John's.
"I am not jealous. I just care about Carter. I don't know if you're what he needs right now, or ever, for that matter."
"And just what do you think he needs right now?" Luka tersely asked.
"He needs someone to be there for him. Someone to support him as he gets better. He doesn't need someone putting pressure on him to perform in any way. Someone patient. Someone who loves him and doesn't want to see him hurt again."
"Sounds like me, Benton. I love John very much, and he loves me. I've done all I can to make sure he doesn't overdo things, and resuming our sexual relationship was something he pursued today, not me. His doctor said it was all right and that it wouldn't harm him. That's good enough for me, it should be good enough for you."
Peter shook his head. He didn't like to think of John Carter being involved in a relationship with another man. And it was beginning to look like he would have to find some way to get Carter away from Kovac. He would definitely have to talk with Carter in the morning, when Kovac wasn't around to interfere. "It's not good enough, Kovac, because you're not good enough for him."
"And who the Hell made you the judge of that? His parents approve of our relationship, his grandmother even approves. Who are you to decide this for John?"
"I'm someone who cares about making sure that he isn't hurt by you or anyone else. He's been hurt enough already. More than enough."
"You don't know me well enough to make that kind of judgement about me," Luka snapped.
"I've watched you at work. I've seen how you behave and react. You are not what he needs. I'll find a way to make him see that."
"Don't even think about trying anything stupid like that, Benton. If you try to break us up then I'll kill you. John is the best thing that's ever happened to me and I won't let him go or stand by while someone else tries to take him from me."
"Listen to yourself, Kovac," Peter didn't even try to keep his voice down, "talking about someone "taking him from you" as if he's a possession. Carter is a human being and not your property. You don't own him."
"And neither do you. And that's what you can't stand, isn't it? He's with me, and not with you. You, the one who taught him for so many years. What? Did you think that if anyone should ever have a chance with him, it should be you? You had your chances to go after him and you let them pass you by. If you care about him like you say you do, then you should be glad that he's happy with me."
Peter shook his head. "I'm not in love with Carter and you know it. It's just easier for you to bring sex into the picture than to admit that Carter is desperate for someone to love him as he is. He certainly never got that from his family, I've known him long enough to know that."
"You say that like John doesn't have a will of his own, or that he's weak. John is anything but weak, Benton. Don't ever think that he's weak."
"I don't. I just think he's easily led astray when someone claims to care about him."
"I don't just claim it. I do care about him. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to get back to work." Luka headed for the door, but he stopped halfway there and turned around to look back at Benton. "I meant what I said. You had better stay away from John. I will not allow you to take him from me." Then Luka stalked off, his anger still simmering beneath the surface. While Benton didn't come right out and say he was against John being with another man, his words bothered Luka more than anyone else's had. If any single person had the power and influence to make John think twice about their relationship, it was Peter Benton. Damn him.
As Peter went home, he thought about going to see Carter right then. But, it was late and he knew that Carter would be asleep. Then he remembered that by the time he could get over to see Carter the next day, Kovac would also be home. He was going to have to wait until Kovac ended up on a day shift so that he could have a chance to speak with Carter alone. He needed to find out if Carter was just infatuated with the guy or really in love with him. If the former, then he was determined to get him away from Kovac. Carter had been through a lot in such a short time. And when one looked at all the stressful and horrible things that had happened to him prior to the attack, well, it didn't seem fair for one person to have to carry so much. If nothing else, Carter deserved to be happy now. He had suffered enough. More than enough. And, if he was wrong and Kovac was the person that made Carter happy, then Peter was willing to put aside his animosity and accept that. But, he was sure that Kovac was not the right person.
For Luka, the days flew by, and he found himself driving home early one morning anxious about the fact that John was returning to work that day. Luka had told John that he would drive him to the hospital. John had replied that he didn't want Luka risking his life to get home in a hurry and there was no reason why he couldn't take the El to work, as he had done many times. But, those times had not been done with him on crutches or in pain. Luka remembered how people had rudely shoved their way past him and Carol when he was trying to help her get back to the hospital while in labor back in November. If they had no consideration for a woman about to pop, then they wouldn't care about a man on crutches either. So, Luka had assured John that he would be home in time to take him to work. Inside, Luka was beginning to get very irritated at how he was working nothing but nights. And when he had seen the schedule last night, he saw that for the upcoming week, he was still working nights. What had he done to tick off Kerry? Was she secretly punishing him for being with John? Was Romano making her put him on the night shifts because of his relationship with John? Or was it just a coincidence? Luka didn't know and he was afraid to ask. But, it was making him upset, especially now that John would be working days. Dammitt, he wanted to be there for John, both at work and at home. As Malucci would say, the situation sucked.
When Luka entered the apartment, he found John in the living room, dressed and ready for work. John smiled, then looked up at him, expecting a "good morning" kiss. What he got was a lot more passionate than "good morning".
"Wow. What brought that on?" John asked with a grin.
Luka dropped to the cushion beside him. "I was wondering if I could make you change your mind about returning to work today."
John slowly shook his head. "It's time for me to go back. I'm going crazy just sitting around here all day."
"But, are you ready?"
"As ready as I'll ever be. I know that today will be rough. I can handle rough, though. I don't break easy, Luka."
Luka reached out to softly stroke John's cheek. "No, you don't. Well, are you ready to go?"
"I can take the El, Luka. There's no reason for you to drive me. You're tired and need to get to sleep."
"I'm not that tired, John. I'll let you take the El home, but today, I will drive you to work." Luka stood, then waited while John slowly got to his feet. It was Luka's biased opinion that John wasn't physically ready to work in the E.R., but since Anspaugh had thought otherwise, Luka couldn't convince John to stay home. As for John's mental and emotional state, well, Luka wasn't sure how John would handle the day. From his own experience, he knew that going back to work would be emotionally draining for John, especially if he had to go into Curtain Three for any reason. But, avoiding the place wouldn't solve anything. And, being home didn't mean that John's thoughts never strayed to Valentine's Day. In fact, being at work, where the constant stream of patients would distract him, was probably better for John than sitting home alone all day.
"Let's go," John led the way out the door and Luka had no choice but to follow him.
As John made his way to the ambulance bay, he knew that Luka was watching him. It wasn't until he was halfway into the E.R. that he heard the car drive away. That should have made him relax, but it didn't. Haleh greeted him warmly and he found himself looking down as he answered her. Why was it so hard to come back? Nothing had happened here. It had happened in another room. John had never felt this unsettled about work before. Not even the first time he had walked into this E.R. as a medical student. God, that had been an eternity ago, he thought.
John made it through signing in, talking with Peter Benton and being startled by Deb Chen. The last thing bothered him. Why would he jump just because someone touched him? Luka touched him all the time and he never jumped. Then again, Luka didn't touch him here at work. Somehow, John made it through the day. There had been some painful moments, like when he went to intubate a patient and felt that familiar sharp and intense pain as he bent to do so. Raising the table took care of that problem. There had been some awkward moments, too, such as when Kerry Weaver stopped by to talk to him as he was signing charts near the end of his shift. He had purposely sought out a desk in the hallway, but he never did manage to bring himself to look into Curtain Three whenever people opened the door.
And there had been some tense moments, like when he first found himself alone in the lounge with Dave Malucci. John remembered Abby telling him that Dave had not been understanding about him and Luka, so he wasn't sure what to expect. Certainly not the smile and clap on the shoulder, the words welcoming him back. The joking about it now being time for him to pull a few extra shifts for Dave since he had been one of the people covering for him. But, no ugliness, no hateful words. Had Abby and Luka been wrong then? Everyone was nice to him, just as they had always been, and that made the day go by a little easier.
Kerry had been considerate and thoughtful as she grilled him. Was he in a lot of pain? No, he lied. He lied to all of her questions. He didn't want to talk about pain management -- his back would get better soon. It had to. He didn't want to talk about seeing a therapist or getting support from his family. He had seen his Gamma the other day, and he saw Luka all the time. He didn't need the rest of his family around in order to feel he was being supported. His parents called on a regular basis and that was enough for him.
Still, when it was time to leave, he found himself telling Luka that he was going to visit his Gamma and didn't know when he would be home. Luka had simply nodded, then sneaked a quick kiss before telling him to have a good visit. No warning to be careful or to not stay out too late. So, John had hailed a taxi and soon found himself seated in his Gamma's kitchen as she reheated soup. They had a good visit and he didn't even put up a fight when she insisted on having him driven home. With her, he had been able to put his feelings into words about the day -- he had been afraid. Afraid of what, he didn't know. But, that was the gist of it. He had been afraid. It had felt good though when she told him that she realized he was meant to be a doctor after all. Now, if only she could make grandfather see that, he would be a happier man.
And yet, despite the grueling day and the late supper, when John finally got into bed, he found himself staring at the ceiling. An all too common sight for him most nights. He had tried so many different tactics for getting some sleep, but nothing worked. Or, if he was lucky and found relief one night, it wouldn't work the next. Every morning, when Luka would come home, John would do his best to pretend that he was just waking up, but he wasn't. He was still wide-awake. And that wouldn't do him any good now that he was back to work. Not any good at all. And so he spent his night watching the ceiling, not moving until he heard Luka's key in the door. It was time to get to work again. John closed his eyes and willed himself to get out of bed. Willed himself to face a day without Luka there to help him. A new day to have to pass Curtain Three and force himself to not think about what happened there. A new day to try to ignore the pain in his back as he tried to help those in even more pain. Maybe it was a good thing that he couldn't sleep, he thought, because it would be all too easy to spend his time hoping that he simply wouldn't wake up the next morning. And that thought scared him more than anything else.
So, John forced himself out of bed. But, when he kissed Luka hello, he found himself too tempted to pull Luka back into their bed. Their lovemaking was rushed, but satisfying, and it gave John enough of a boost to convince himself that he could make it through another day. They showered together, then John put Luka to bed and quietly left the apartment, taking the crowded El to work. If he kept telling himself that he would be all right, then sooner or later, it would happen. Right?
Translations:
JA ljubav te
I love you
JA potreba te
I need you
Uzeti mene, Ja sam tvoj
Take me, I am yours
Ti si zrak JA disati
You are the air I breathe
Ti si moj srcem i dušom
You are my heart and soul.
JA volja ljubav te zauvijek
I will love you forever