"Desperate Vigil, Part Ten"
By Cathy Roberts
John didn't know what to think. Or even if he could think. His brow furrowed, he tried once more to pinpoint just how he got to this place -- the point of being escorted to a drug rehab hundreds of miles away from home. But, he couldn't. He didn't know just when it had been when he had crossed that line from physically needing his medication to actually wanting it, needing it to just get through the day. Hell, pretty much said that to Mark earlier in the day, hadn't he? Told him that he needed more and more pain medication just to function. It had certainly been true today. Especially after that man had kicked him off the exam table. He was still sore from that and he vaguely wondered if he should have had someone examine him earlier. It might not have been a bad idea. But, then again, earlier, everyone was busy. Mark and Kerry were busy with Abby and her tales of seeing him injecting himself with stolen Fentanyl. Malucci had been busy with his screw guy. Or was it screwed guy? With a smile, John realized he wasn't quite sure how that would be phrased. While it was possible to screw someone, was it possible to unscrew a person? Luka was tied...shit. Luka. John's stomach did a small flip as he thought about Luka. Benton had put him in the van and driven directly to the airport, never stopping to call anyone. Luka would go home and not know where he was. For that matter, no one knew that Benton had gotten on the plane with him.
Peter felt John staring at him. "What's wrong?"
"You didn't call anyone, did you? About coming with me? They don't know?"
Peter grimaced and shook his head. "I was too worried about making the flight on time. I'll call Kerry when we land at Dulles." Mark had not been able to book a non-stop flight for Carter; instead, they would have to switch planes in Washington, and wait for about an hour or so. When Peter heard that bit of information, he was doubly glad he had decided to fly to Atlanta with Carter. What had Mark and Kerry been thinking to send him off alone? Or had they been in shock over the situation and unable to think clearly?
"What will I tell Luka?" John softly asked.
"I don't see where you owe him any explanation, Carter," Peter snapped. He immediately regretted it as John raised his sorrow filled eyes and looked back at him.
"Why would you say that? I live with Luka; I can't just take off and not tell him why. He cares too much about me for me to treat him that way."
"Yeah, sure," Peter scoffed. "If he cared so much about you, then why didn't he see that you were in trouble?"
"Why didn't you?" John's voice was soft once more.
That comment stung. Why hadn't he noticed, Peter asked himself. Why hadn't any of them noticed? Was he being unfair to blame Luka Kovac for not seeing what was happening to Carter? He didn't really think so. Kovac saw what he wanted to see, and after today, Peter didn't really care if the man continued to work at county. He couldn't understand why Carter had gotten mixed up with him in the first place.
"You've never liked Luka." John turned his head to look back out the window, not that he could really see anything below. It was too dark for that. But, he could keep his eyes on the moon and the stars. Not think about how he would tell Luka where he was going and why. Not have to think about how disappointed Luka would be.
"That's not entirely true. He's a good doctor, when he's thinking like a doctor. I could do without him acting the way he did today."
John looked back at Peter, wondering what he was talking about. "You've lost me."
"At the school, he decided to save the boy and the Hell with the more seriously injured gunman. At the time, we didn't know the bullet had migrated to the boy's heart. Kovac simply didn't want to put any effort into saving a "bad person". He has a habit of making decisions like that."
Seeing as he had made a similar type decision a few years back, John decided to not say anything. He knew in his head that the rules of triage stated that the more seriously injured were treated first. But, it was often difficult to make the heart listen to the head. Instead of getting into an ethics discussion with his old mentor, John decided to stay on track. "You didn't like Luka before today. You used to like him. I remember when he saved that little girl -- the one from the hit and run, remember? You told me that he had done the right thing by bringing her to the hospital himself. You liked him then."
"Yeah, well. That was before." Peter shifted in his seat, suddenly uncomfortable in the small space.
"Before what?"
"Before I knew he was with you. Or you were with him. However you want to phrase it."
"So, you don't like Luka because he's bi?"
"No. That has nothing to do with it. I don't give a damn who he likes to be with."
John shook his head. "Then I don't get it. If it's not because you're homophobic, then why did you stop liking him?"
"It's because he's with you, all right?" Peter frowned, not sure how Carter would react to that bit of information. Would he take it the wrong way? Think that he was in love with him or something like that? Hell, he had thought about that himself, ever since Kovac had accused him of being jealous. But, he wasn't. He loved Carter; there was no doubt in his mind about that. If he didn't love him, then he wouldn't be sitting here on the plane with him. But, he wasn't in love with him. He wasn't in love with anyone right now. He liked Cleo a lot, and he enjoyed being with her, but there wasn't any love there. Not yet anyway.
"You've lost me again. Why would that upset you?" John quietly asked.
"Because I think he's using you. He approached you at a time when you were vulnerable and I'm sure that he's going to toss you aside the minute he gets tired of you. And then where will you be? You will have spent all this time having him fuck with your mind, messing you up, and then just dropped."
John was shaking his head. "You don't understand him. He loves me, and I love him. If it weren't for Luka, then I wouldn't even be here right now. He's the only thing that's kept me going these few months. The only thing that's kept me somewhat sane. And believe me, if he was going to just toss me aside after using me up, then he certainly would have done so by now. I'm not a prize. Never have been and certainly won't ever be. And he's put up with my shit lately. No, you're wrong. Luka makes me happy, keeps me grounded. He loves me without reservation and he doesn't ask anything in return. It's enough for him to love me. But, I do love him back, and I've tried to let him know that. If I left him, then it would destroy him."
"That's what he wants you to think."
"That's the truth. I see it when I look in his eyes. I hear it when he cries out in his sleep from his nightmares. Hell, I'm not the only one who's been through Hell. He's had more than his share of pain and grief." John placed his hand on Peter's arm. "I know that you're trying to be a good friend, and I appreciate that, but you need to keep an open mind when you look at Luka. See how he treats me, how he looks at me. He loves me. If I don't know anything else to be sure and certain in my life right now, I do know that much. Luka loves me."
"I hope you're right, for your own sake. Because if he hurts you, then I'll...well, I don't know what I'll do. But, it won't be pretty."
"He won't hurt me," John let go of Peter's arm, then turned to look back out the window, trying to figure out what he would tell Luka when he called him. He didn't need the extra worry about Benton not liking Luka, or not believing that Luka loved him. Why was it that whenever he found something good, everyone else wanted to take it away from him?
Luka sat on a bench in the train station, too weary to stand. He had no idea why John had left work early. All Frank could tell him was that John had left early, not exactly when or why. He had been so caught up in the events of the day that he hadn't spared any time for John and he wondered if that had made him upset. Upset enough to leave without saying goodbye? Luka shook his head. He didn't think so. He ran his hands over his face, wondering if the day could get any worse.
"Luka?"
Luka looked up into the worried face of Mark Greene. "Mark."
"Did Kerry catch you before you left?" Mark asked as he sat down.
"I didn't see Kerry. I was in too much of a hurry to get out. Why? Did she want me to work a double?" Or give me a lecture about proper triage, he thought.
"No." Mark leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and clasping his hands together. He had not wanted to be the one to have to tell Luka about Carter. Especially if it turned out that Luka had known all along about Carter's drug abuse. That had been his and Kerry's main reason for not including Luka in the intervention. The fact they couldn't be sure that Luka didn't know. Hadn't seen it. Had maybe even facilitated it?
"What is it?"
"It's Carter."
Luka suddenly sat up straight, his stomach cold with fear. "What's wrong with John? Does this have to do with why he left work early? Where is he?"
"Calm down, Luka," Mark said, turning to face the other man and immediately taking in how upset Luka was.
Luka swallowed hard. Mark didn't call him by his Christian name. He was always Kovac or Doctor Kovac. Never Luka. This was bad. He searched his mind, looking for a clue and finally remembering someone -- was it Haleh -- telling him that John had been kicked off an exam table earlier in the day. At the time, he had said he was fine, but what if he had been wrong? John was hurt. Dear God. John was hurt. But, if he was hurt, then why did Frank tell him that John left early? Confusion replaced the fear in Luka's eyes as he looked at Mark, waiting for a more thorough explanation.
"Luka, today, Abby...Hell, there's no easy way to say this. Carter is on his way to Atlanta to check into a drug rehab clinic."
Luka stared mutely at Mark, the words not quite registering. "What?" He shook his head. "You're wrong. John's at home. He..."
"Earlier today Abby saw him injecting Fentanyl into his wrist after treating a patient. We confronted him about it and he denied taking the Fentanyl, but he did admit to me that he was using a lot of his pain medication in order to function every day." Mark continued, even though Luka was shaking his head and repeating one word over and over again, 'no'. "Luka, he's been misusing his prescribed pain medication and possibly abusing other narcotics as well. I think we caught this in time, before he got too seriously addicted."
There was no doubt in Mark's mind about whether or not Luka had been aware of Carter's drug use. He obviously had not.
"I have to go to him. You said he was going to Atlanta, right?"
Mark glanced at his watch. If Peter had managed to get Carter on the plane, then Carter would have left thirty minutes ago. "Yes, but his flight is already in the air. That is, if Peter convinced him to get on the plane. When I left he hospital, we still hadn't heard from him about that."
"Benton was just going to put him on a plane by himself? That's stupid. What if John has pills on him? What's to stop him from overdosing on the way to Atlanta?"
Luka had been unfortunate enough to have been working at a hospital where one of the doctors had done something similar. It was an intern who had become addicted to the drugs he felt he needed to take in order to stay alert while on the job. They had run an intervention, and made the mistake of letting him go home to pack. Two hours later the paramedics brought him back to the hospital, the victim of a self-ingested drug overdose. One he didn't survive. The staff that had been involved in the intervention caught Hell for that -- for leaving him alone. Luka remembered that much.
"I don't think that Carter is suicidal."
"And did you think he was using drugs before today? Did you?" Luka shouted, jumping to his feet and restlessly pacing back and forth in front of the bench. "I never saw it. Never."
Mark shook his head, beginning to see Luka's point.
"What's the name of the clinic?" Luka asked.
Mark told him. "Are you going to Atlanta?"
"Yes. I'm going to pack some clothes for John, then I'll go to the airport to catch the next flight out. I don't know when I'll be back. Tell Kerry for me."
"I will."
A train rumbled to a stop, the one that Luka had been waiting on, and he got on, absorbed in his own thoughts. How could he have been so blind as to not know what was happening with John? Then it hit him hard -- all the times he had urged John to take his pain medication. Nights when he thought John needed it but John didn't want to take anything. Was this his fault after all? Was he ultimately responsible for turning John into a drug addict?
Luka was nervously pacing in front of the American Airlines gate. He had been lucky. Very lucky indeed, when he made his flight reservation. Someone had cancelled and he was able to get a seat on a non-stop flight to Atlanta. So, now he was there before John, even though he had taken the time to go home and pack. Luka could see the plane pulling up and he took a deep breath, not knowing what he was going to say when he saw John. It was going to be bad enough that Benton would be there, but he could ignore him. The only thing that mattered, the only thing that had ever mattered, was getting John healthy and whole again. Luka had done a lot of thinking on the flight, and he had come to the conclusion that no matter what, he would not leave Atlanta without John. He would find a cheap motel room and stay there to be near him. But, he would not leave him alone. He had done too much of that since the stabbing. True, it had not all been his doing -- he couldn't help the shifts he was assigned to work, but the end result was still the same. He had not been there for John, not been there to keep him from falling apart. That wouldn't happen again, this Luka vowed.
The rest of the passengers were off the plane when Peter finally got to his feet, grabbing Carter's bag out of the overhead compartment. "Ready?"
"Do I have a choice?" John was only half joking as he painfully got to his feet.
"I'm here with you, man. I won't leave until you're settled into the clinic."
"I know. Thank you. I want to stop at a pay phone." John had tried to call Luka from Dulles, but there had been no answer. Had he been ignoring the ringing of the telephone because he was upset with him? Had he worked a double shift? John had no idea. What if Benton was right, and Luka had only been using him. And now he knew from Kerry or Mark about the drugs and was through with him? God, he couldn't bear that. Still, he needed to hear Luka's voice, even if Luka were angry over what he had to tell him. Even if Luka was going to tell him that it was over between them.
"That won't be a problem."
They stepped into the terminal and John almost ran into Peter when the other man stopped suddenly. "What?" Then he saw him. Luka. Standing there and looking lost.
Luka walked over to them and immediately enveloped John in a hug, holding him tight. "Mark told me," was all Luka said, then he realized that John was crying. "It's going to be all right, John. Shhh." Luka gently caressed the back of John's head, then he took a few steps over to the chairs and sat down, pulling John onto his lap, still holding him. "I'm not going to leave you alone. It will be all right. Ja sam ovdje zatim."
Peter stood there, feeling awkward as he watched Luka comfort John. Then he felt even worse as he realized that Luka was also crying. The love that Luka had for John was apparent in his eyes, the tone of his voice and the tender way he was holding him. Maybe he had been wrong about doubting that love. He looked down the concourse, glad that it was too late at night, or too early in the morning, depending on your point of view, for there to be a lot of travelers out and about. Luka was speaking softly to John, but Peter didn't recognize the words. He figured that Luka was speaking Croatian. The words were strange in Peter's ears, but they seemed to work on calming John.
"Ti si nije sam. Ja sam jalostan. JA ljubav te." Luka had said.
The last sentence was repeated over and over and Peter was pretty sure he knew the meaning of the words, especially when he thought he heard John whisper them as well. Peter shifted on his feet, uneasy as he knew that there was no maybe about the fact he had been wrong about Luka's feelings for John. He didn't look back at the couple until he heard Luka say something to him.
"I'm sorry, I missed what you said," Peter said as he looked at them.
Luka was moving around in the chairs until his back was in a corner and he could cradle John's head in his lap. "He's asleep."
Peter nodded, and went to sit down behind Luka, putting John's carryall bag in an empty seat. "You seem to have that effect on him. He needed to sleep."
"I haven't had that effect on him for a long time now. He hasn't been sleeping much these past weeks. I haven't been much good to him at all. Looks like you were right about that."
"No, I wasn't. He needs you and you've been there for him." Peter didn't want to think about the underlying meaning in John's words when he had told him that if it wasn't for Luka being there, then he wouldn't be here now.
Luka shook his head as he idly stroked John's hair. "I should have been around more. Then I would have seen this happening and stopped it before it got too far. I've been working countless shifts with lousy hours and that kept me away from him."
"You can't be held responsible for your schedule. Those of us who worked with John every day never saw this happening."
"I should have seen it. Hell, maybe I'm even responsible for it, yes?"
"No."
Their eyes locked for a moment and then Luka looked away. "I think yes."
Neither spoke for a few minutes after that. Peter didn't know what he could say to make Luka think otherwise, and Luka wasn't interested in anything Peter had to say. He had already heard Peter's opinion of him and his feelings for John. He was not interested in hearing them again. Besides which, in his own mind, he knew he was partially to blame.
"Does John have to be at the clinic at a certain time?" Luka asked.
"No. He was just supposed to go there once he reached Atlanta."
"On his own?"
"That was the plan. It wasn't a good one."
"I'm glad you came with him."
"He didn't need to be alone. I intend to have a long talk with Mark and Kerry about the travel plans they made for him. And about the whole intervention itself. I'm not entirely sure that it was a good idea to have it in Curtain Three."
Luka felt his muscles tense as Peter said that. "They confronted him in there?"
Peter nodded. "They said that the psychiatrist they spoke with from the clinic suggested it because it was the place where he was attacked. The man felt that being there would catch John off guard. It did. I didn't want to believe Mark and Kerry when they told me about him. Hell, I'm still finding it hard to believe. I don't think he's as far along as Kerry seems to feel; he didn't display any signs of withdrawal on the plane."
"When he first came home from the hospital, he would go for hours without taking anything for the pain. I would have to practically force the pills down his throat." Luka's laugh was hollow. "I was wrong to do that."
"No, you weren't. He was prescribed the pain medication for a reason. What I don't understand is why he's still in so much physical pain. Hell, maybe he isn't. It could be psychological."
"I suppose the doctors at the clinic will find out."
"Yes, they work closely with a hospital that's adjacent to them. They'll take good care of him."
"I'm not leaving him here alone. I'm sure I can find a motel nearby, and I'll be able to see him."
"I was reading a pamphlet from the clinic, and they do offer counseling and other services for family and significant others. I think you fall into that category."
Luka nodded, feeling a little bit more hopeful at hearing that. "I know that Kerry will be upset with me for staying, but he needs me here. And I need to be here. Should I wake him up so we can be on our way?"
"No," Peter shook his head. "Let him sleep. There's no need to hurry. The clinic isn't going anywhere. The airport is used to having people sleep in the chairs overnight, so they won't run us out of here."
"I came through here when I first arrived in the States. I know most people come through New York or Chicago, but I had to be different, so I chose Atlanta. I thought it would be the beginning of something new for me. Something good."
"It can still be that. John will get better and the two of you will come back to Chicago. We'll still disagree about patients, but when the arguing is over, you'll go home to John."
"And you? Who do you go home to?"
"Some nights, I go home to my son. Other nights, I just go home. I'm still looking for someone to love."
"I guess I truly am lucky then." Luka looked down at John, feeling very lucky that he had someone like John to love. And even luckier that John loved him back.
"I think we all should try to get some sleep. I don't know how long it's going to take to get him checked into the clinic."
"You can always go back to Chicago now. There are still flights available."
Peter shook his head. "I promised John that I would go there with him, and I will. I don't take my promises lightly."
Luka nodded, a faint smile on his face. "I can see why he respects you so much."
"I just hope I'm deserving of that respect." Peter stretched out over the seats and closed his eyes. Soon, he was asleep.
Luka sat there quiet and unmoving, listening to Peter snore. He had meant it when he had told Peter that he was glad he had come to Atlanta with John. But, Luke knew that he himself should have been him on the plane with John. Why did Kerry keep him away from the intervention? Why didn't she confide in him about their fears regarding John? Did she suspect that he was responsible for this happening? As hard as he thought about those questions, he couldn't find any answers. It was a long time before Luka fell asleep.
Luka was dimly aware of the melodious sound of John's voice. It was soothing, and he snuggled closer to John, taking comfort in the warmth of his body as he wrapped his arms tightly around him. A sharp cry of pain from John made him open his eyes as he sat up, and he saw that he was still in the airport, but now he was the one whose head had been resting in John's lap.
Looking up at John, he could see he was in pain, and John was tenderly touching his left side.
"Are you okay? I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault. I was thrown off an exam table yesterday and I'm still sore from that," John explained.
"Were you examined after that happened?" Peter asked. He was still seated on the other side, but this was the first he had heard of John being hurt yesterday. Maybe that explained why he had injected the Fentanyl.
"No, but I'm okay. Just bruised. So, now that Luka's awake, shall we go and get this over with?"
Luka could see that John was nervous, but he felt proud that he was willing to face his problem straight on. Still, he wasn't as eager to get John checked into the clinic. "How about we grab some breakfast first? We can rent a car, find a place to eat, then go and get you checked in. After that, I can bring Peter back to the airport."
"What about you?"
"I'm not leaving Atlanta without you," Luka firmly said. He wasn't quite prepared to see the tears welling once again in John's eyes.
John tightly shut his eyes. He would not cry again. He had cried enough in the past twenty-four hours to last a lifetime, first in Peter Benton's arms, then in Luka's. He was running out of arms. That thought made him giggle, and once he started, he just couldn't stop. He could tell by the look on Luka's face that he shouldn't be laughing, but he couldn't help it.
"On second thought, we can skip breakfast," Luka slowly said. He was afraid that John was falling apart emotionally, and his fear for John overrode his desire to stay with him as long as possible. It was past time to get John professional help.
"Come on, let's go see about getting a car," Luka helped John to his feet. John was doing his best to stop laughing, and he thought he finally had it under control. "I put our bags in the lockers downstairs, so we'll need to get them on our way out."
"We can still have breakfast first. If you two are hungry, then I won't mind."
"I'm not that hungry. I'll see about getting a flight back while you get the car," Peter told Luka.
Luka nodded and as soon as Peter had stepped away, he gave all of his attention to John.
"Are you okay now?"
John shook his head, a small smile on his lips. "No. Not really. I don't know if I'll ever be okay again. But, it helps that you're here. Let's go get a car." John picked up his carryall and began to walk down the concourse, giving Luka no choice but to follow
him.
Ti si nije sam - You are not alone.
Ja sam ovdje zatim - I am here now
JA ljubav te - I love you
Ja sam zalostan - I am sorry