John brought his wheelchair to a stop beside the window. He had a much nicer view of Chicago from here. The view from his room, of the El, was boring. He much preferred this one, even if he did have to wheel himself to the other end of the wing to see it. Not quite as good as the view from the roof, but close. As he watched the sun set, he thought of how tired he was growing of the this place. He had been a patient for a week already and he had no idea when he would be released. All Anspaugh would say is that he couldn't go home until he was able to get around on crutches, but no one, not Anspaugh, not Benton, not the people in physical therapy, could tell him when that would be. So, he pushed himself harder every day. If he spent fifteen minutes walking with the aid of a walker one day, then he would spend twenty the next, and so on. Sooner or later they would have to at least let him try to use crutches.
He wanted to go home. He wanted to get out of this damned place, get away from everyone. He hadn't exaggerated much when he told Deb that he knew everyone here and had people dropping in constantly. Checking up on him, making sure he was all right and where he was supposed to be. As if he could get very far in a wheelchair. At first it had been nice to know that people cared. Now he found it stifling. He wanted to be home where it was quiet. Where no one would bother him. He wanted to be...alone. And he didn't know why. That bothered him. He slept much better if Luka was in bed with him. He felt safe then. The rest of the day and night he didn't feel safe. He felt scared, and he had never faced that before. Even when he realized that Lars Audia had been killed because they thought Audia was him, he didn't feel scared. He felt guilty. And yes, he did feel guilty over Lucy being dead, but the overriding emotion that he had been feeling lately was that of fear. And he had no idea what it was that scared him. He knew that if he could put his finger on what he was afraid of, then he could overcome it. But no matter how long he thought about it or how many things he considered, he couldn't isolate that fear. It wasn't that he wouldn't walk again. He had thought a lot about that and quickly discarded the idea. For one thing, he was making progress. It would be slow, and he would have pain, but he was getting better every day. So, it wasn't that. And it wasn't the possibility that another patient would hurt him, although he kept telling himself that it was natural to feel that way for a short time. The fear was greater than that. He was slowly approaching the conclusion that he was afraid of living. And, like his desire to be alone, this fear of life itself was something he didn't understand.
Peter Benton frowned as he searched Carter's room and didn't find any sign of him. Belatedly, he noticed that the wheelchair was gone, but he didn't know of any tests that Carter needed, so there was no reason for him to be anywhere. He stepped across the hallway to the nurse's station.
"Had anyone seen Doctor Carter?"
"He's down at the end of the wing, or else on his way back by now," one of the nurses replied.
"Alone?" Peter sharply asked.
"Yes. He's quite capable of getting around in the wheelchair, Doctor Benton."
"He was assigned to this particular room so that you could keep a close eye on him. How can you do that if he's at the other end of the wing?"
"Doctor Benton, we keep track of how much time he spends out of his room. If we think he's been gone too long, then we go to bring him back. Doctor Carter is fine," she tried to reassure him.
Peter had no answer for that. Instead he gave her his meanest glare, then headed off in the direction she claimed Carter had gone. How could they let him go all over the hospital? He didn't need to be left alone for long periods of time. Didn't they know that? Hadn't it been made clear to them that Carter was to be carefully watched? Maybe he should have a talk with Romano about the attitude of the nursing staff.
Peter's steps slowed as he approached Carter. He didn't want to startle him by sneaking up behind him, but at the same time, he didn't want to reveal his presence just yet. He wanted to observe Carter for a bit, see if he could pick up on how the other man was feeling today. He had come to realize there was a great difference between Carter's true feelings and what he was revealing to others. Peter had stopped walking and was merely standing there. Not making any noise. But, Carter suddenly turned his head and saw him there. Peter thought at first that he had seen pain etched on Carter's face, but if it had been there it was quickly replaced by a smile and Carter turned the wheelchair to face him.
"Hey," he greeted Peter.
Peter closed the gap between them. "Hello. I heard that Barbara Knight came by to see you."
"No secrets in this place, are there?" John tried to chuckle, but he knew he didn't sound convincing. He looked away, not wanting to talk about Lucy's mother. "I heard you saved a little girls' life today."
"Who told you that?"
"Luka. It looks like you're getting to be quite the hero lately."
Peter shrugged. "I just do my job. Nothing more."
"Yeah, right. You saved my life and to me, that's a Hell of lot."
Once more, John could see something flicker in Benton's eyes -- embarrassment, humility. Not Benton's usual bravado.
"You don't like me to talk about that, do you?"
"What?" Peter asked, not quite following what Carter was saying.
"I've noticed that when you've been thanked for saving my life, you've acted strange. Almost as if you're embarrassed about it. You've never been like that before. You even declined to be my doctor, even though you took control of my care in the trauma room. Why?"
Peter sat down. "Carter, I didn't know it meant that much to you for me to be your doctor. I honestly felt, and still feel, that Donald Anspaugh is the better physician to take care of you."
"Why?"
Peter sighed, seeing that he wasn't going to get out of answering that particular question. Hell, maybe it was time to confess to Carter about how he messed up during surgery. "I assured you that I would take care of you, Carter. That I would get you through surgery fine."
"I remember that. You did."
"I didn't. Anspaugh did. I...Hell, Carter, I lost it in there. Your kidney was so badly damaged...I wanted to yank it out. I even yelled at Anspaugh." Peter shook his head. "He calmed me down and took control of your surgery. The fact that you still have two kidneys is due to his presence of mind, not mine. I was too emotionally involved. That's why I pushed him as your doctor and wouldn't even think of taking over your care once the surgery was over. I can't be sure that I would think clearly where you're concerned."
Now it was Peter's turn to look away, not wanting to see the disappointment in Carter's eyes.
"So you found out that you're only human after all. It happens to all of us sooner or later."
Peter looked up, surprised to see that Carter was smiling at him. "I thought you would be upset."
"Why? They insist on having two surgeons in the OR for a reason, and my surgery is a prime example of why. You should let them use it during the next review."
"I think I'll pass, thank you."
"Don't want the students finding out that you have emotions?" Again, Carter was smiling.
"Something like that. They learn better when they're scared shitless of me."
Carter laughed. "Yeah, right. So, are you off tonight?" He started to roll the chair down the hallway and Peter had no choice but to get to his feet to walk with him.
"Yep. I've got a date."
"A date? Sounds interesting. Tell me more."
A few days later, Luka lay in bed, looking up at the ceiling with a silly grin on his face. He was home, in his own bed, with his arms around John. He had thought the day wouldn't get there fast enough when he would have John home, but it had finally arrived, and now John was sound asleep on his side of the bed where he belonged.
Luka sighed and snuggled closer, pressing his chest against John's back, reveling in his warmth and feeling giddy because he was here. Looking back over the events of the morning, Luka found it difficult to determine who was the most excited over John's release from the hospital. John had been anxious to get the final okay from Anspaugh and his physical therapist. The two had put their heads together, conferring quietly for a few minutes before agreeing that John was doing well enough with the crutches to be sent home. To Luka, those few minutes had dragged and he had been so afraid that they would decide that John had to stay longer. He had been tempted to shout for joy when Anspaugh signed the release papers. John had sounded relieved and happy as he thanked Anspaugh for everything, and then Anspaugh had left, leaving John, Luka and Millicent alone with the therapist and nurse to get last minute home-care instructions. Millicent had already made arrangements for John to be taken back and forth to the hospital for physical therapy. The family driver had been put at John's disposal, as had the car. Which was a good thing since both John and Luka drove vehicles with manual transmissions and there was no way that John could press on the clutch hard enough to successfully shift gears.
John came home in style, riding in the back of a limousine. His grandmother had even come up to the apartment, bringing up what she could carry while the driver took care of John's suitcase. Luka had his hands full with John. Not that John needed his help. The apartment did have an elevator, so there were no stairs for him to worry over. Still, Luka wanted to have his hands free in case John needed help.
Once inside the apartment, Millicent had taken a quick look around, nodding only once to give it her approval. Then she had given John a quick kiss on the cheek, saying that she knew he wanted to get some rest in his own bed and it was time for her to be on her way. She smiled and nodded at Luka as she left, and Luka found himself liking John's grandmother. She obviously knew about their relationship, yet she didn't find it necessary to speak of it. She merely accepted that it made John happy. While Luka still had some issues with the way John's family had treated him in the past, he was seeing that they did love John in their own way.
"Well, I guess I should get my stuff unpacked," John said. "Would you mind taking the suitcase to the bedroom for me?"
"You don't have to worry about unpacking. I can do that for you..." Luka stopped talking as he recognized the stubborn look in John's eyes. "I'll open it for you, is that all right?"
John smiled. "That would be nice."
They walked into the bedroom, but John paused in the doorway, looking around the room. As Luka opened the suitcase, John made his way to the dresser and opened his drawers, then he began to slowly unpack the suitcase, putting away the clothes that were clean and making a pile on the bed of the ones that weren't. Luka stood there watching John, wanting to make things easier for him, but knowing that John didn't want his help.
"Why don't you fix us something for lunch? I don't know about you, but I'm starving. I was beginning to think that I'd never get to eat real food again," John said.
"It's not the best food, is it?" Luka asked. "What would you like to eat?"
John shrugged. "Surprise me. As long as it's not hospital food, it will be great."
"Okay." Luka headed for the door, but he stopped in the doorway and looked back at him. "Just call if you need me."
"I will," John said, nodding.
As Luka once more began to leave, John called out his name. Luka turned back around, "Yes?"
John nervously ran this hand through his hair and Luka felt his body begin to react to John's presence and the fact they were truly alone together for the first time since Valentine's Day.
John shook his head. "Never mind."
"No. You wanted something. What is it?" Luka walked over to him. "Do you want me to finish putting away your things?"
John shook his head again, then looked up into Luka's eyes. "I want to kiss you. We haven't really had a chance to share a real kiss, and I..."
John's words were lost in Luka's mouth as Luka closed the distance between them, kissing John deeply. "Is that better?" Luka breathlessly asked.
John nodded. "Much. I wish we could do more."
"As do I. But, it won't be much longer until you'll be well enough for that."
John lifted his hand to Luka's cheek and used his thumb to caress Luka's skin. "I know. If you think it will be too difficult for us to be in the same bed, then I can sleep on the couch."
Luka trapped John's hand under his own, holding it tight against his face. "No. You belong in our bed and I don't want you to ever think I don't want you there. I've been celibate before. It didn't kill me then and it won't kill me now. I can be patient until you're fully recovered, John."
"And if I can't be as patient?" John asked with a grin.
"Then we'll figure something out that won't put you back in the hospital. And starving you just might do that. I had better get our lunch prepared, no?"
"Yeah," John said, but he didn't try to move his hand.
Luka finally grasped John's hand in his own, and after kissing it gently, let go. This time he made it all the way to the kitchen. By the time he had lunch ready, John was finished putting away all of his belongings. He had even managed to get his dirty clothing into the clothes hamper. They ate, talking about what was going on in the neighborhood and at work.
"Wait here," Luka said as he finished clearing the table.
John watched as Luka disappeared into their bedroom, wondering what Luka was up to. When Luka returned, he had a small box in his hand. John then remembered that Luka had wanted to wait to give him his Valentine's present. Curious as to what it was, John took the package from Luka. The box was wrapped in a bright paper that repeated one message, "Welcome Home". Certainly not Valentine's paper. But, deep down, John was glad that the wrapping wasn't made up of hearts. It would be too much of a reminder of that day.
Luka grinned as John unwrapped the box, then opened it and lifted out the cross. "Welcome home, John."
"Luka...I can't take this. This is your confirmation cross. You never take it off." Even as he said that, John remembered that he hadn't seen it on Luka lately.
"I want you to have it. That cross has been a part of my life for ages, and now that you're a part of my life, I want you to wear it. To keep it. Just as you keep my heart."
John's eyes watered as he remembered how passionate Luka was regarding his faith. The cross was a gift from Luka's grandmother and John knew that Luka cherished it. That Luka would want him to have it touched him deeply, and yet he felt undeserving of it. Lately he found himself doubting his own belief in God and it almost felt sacrilegious to wear a symbol of Christianity when he didn't think he believed in salvation anymore.
"Here, let me help you." Luka took the necklace from John and secured the gold chain around his neck.
"Thank you," John finally said. "I'll take good care of it, Luka."
"I never doubted that."
John suddenly yawned and they both realized that he needed to rest. After John left the table, Luka busied himself with cleaning the kitchen, then went into the bedroom to check on him. John had changed into a t-shirt and sweatpants and was in the process of getting into bed as Luka entered the room.
"I know you don't like me wearing clothes to bed, but I think you should make an exception right now." No matter what Luka thought about it, John was determined to wear clothes to bed. He could accept the fact that Luka didn't care about his scars, but the colostomy was another matter altogether.
Luka knew what was bothering John, and he decided to let John have his way this time. "I don't have a problem with that. But as soon as that damn colostomy has been taken down, I want things back to normal around here," he hoped he didn't sound as gruff to John as he did to himself. Since John was smiling, he supposed that he didn't.
"Normal sounds great to me, too, Luka. You're working tonight, right?"
"Yeah." Even though he hadn't asked, Kerry had told Luka that he would be working nights for the next week or so. That way he could be there during the day in case John needed anything. At night, John would be sleeping, and not need someone there. Luka knew that others saw the night shift as a punishment of some sort, but he could see that Kerry knew how much he wanted to spend time with John.
"Then you should get some sleep." John fluffed up his pillow, then snuggled down under the covers.
Luka grinned. "Are you asking me to sleep with you?"
John grinned back. "I am. Are you going to accept my invitation?"
"I am." Luka stripped down to his underwear. He was about to strip all the way when he thought that it might bother John if he got into bed naked. So, he crawled under the covers and moved over to John, holding him close.
"This is much better than the hospital," John said.
"I won't argue with you about that. And I promise you that it will get even better, John." Luka said.
"You'd get to sleep faster if you didn't talk," John said.
"Sorry." Luka closed his eyes and listened to John's breathing, waiting for the change in his respiration that would tell him John was asleep. It wasn't long before Luka noted the change and he grinned up at the ceiling, feeling happy.
The sound of the doorbell roused Luka from his sleep. He glanced over and saw that John was still asleep. Wanting to keep him that way, Luka quickly pulled on his pants and shirt and he headed into the living room, hoping to answer the door before the person rang the bell again.
When he opened the door, he was momentarily surprised to see Mark Greene standing there.
"Mark? What brings you here?"
"I was on my way home from work and thought I would check in on Carter."
"Come on in." Luka held the door open and Mark entered the apartment.
"How's he doing?"
Luka nodded. "He's doing okay. Very glad to be out of the hospital. He's asleep right now."
It was Mark's turn to nod. "I see. Well, if you'd like to go on home to get some sleep, I can stay."
Luka cleared his throat. "Thanks for the offer, but I am home."
"Oh. I must have misunderstood Kerry then when she gave me Carter's address. I wasn't aware that he was staying with you. I thought he lived here."
"He does."
The two looked at each other for a few moments and then Mark's cheeks began to redden as he noticed that Luka was barefoot and his shirt was buttoned unevenly. Carter and Luka Kovac were living together. Literal roommates from the look of things.
"Oh," Mark finally said, his expression bland.
"I'll tell John that you stopped by," Luka said. He hoped that Mark wasn't going to make a scene. He knew that Mark didn't like him and seemed to resent him for some reason. It wasn't as if Luka had ever done anything to Mark. In fact, Luka had gone out of his way to be nice to Mark, not that it had ever done any good.
"Does Kerry know about this? About you and Carter?"
"I don't know. I haven't told her."
"You should. Dammitt, Luka, you had no right treating him. There are rules against that and those rules are there for very valid reasons." Mark wasn't interested in hiding his emotions any longer. Luka had been wrong to treat Carter. Why was it whenever he did something wrong, Kerry or Romano was there to chew his ass, but if it was Luka doing something wrong, then they looked the other way? Everyone looked the other way if Luka was involved.
"I didn't have much of a choice that night, Mark. Kerry was in no shape to treat him. She's the one who ordered me to take care of him. I did what I had to do to keep him alive and then I handed him over to Peter Benton. Treating John was not something I wanted to do, but I managed."
"She couldn't have been that upset." Mark had worked with Kerry for years and knew that nothing got past her armor. Then he remembered how shaken she had been when Paul Sobriki had been brought in after being hit by a car. She had asked him to treat the man because she just couldn't do it.
"Kerry found them. John was her tenant for quite a long while and she didn't think she could treat him."
"Well, it's over, so there's no need to rehash that night now. But, you should talk to her. She needs to know for sure that the two of you are...involved. She shouldn't end up finding out about it from someone else. Especially Romano. God only knows what he would do or say about it. There aren't any rules to prohibit an Attending and a Resident from having a relationship, but he might still be an asshole about it."
"I'll keep that in mind. I think that Kerry suspects that we're together, but she hasn't said anything about it to me."
Mark nodded. "To me, either. But, she hardly ever confides in me about what's going on with the department." It still rankled Mark that even though Kerry had told him that she wouldn't run the entire ER on her own after Romano made her Chief, the woman still did things on her own without consulting him. Hiring Luka as a temp, hiring Gabe Lawrence as an Attending, then hiring Luka as an Attending. Dammitt all, it annoyed Mark to have her treat him that way. After all, he was the one who hired her in the first place.
"I'll tell John that you stopped by to see him."
Mark hadn't noticed that Luka had walked over to the door and was now opening it. He supposed that was his hint to get out.
"Thank you."
Luka let Mark out, then locked the door again and returned to bed. Even though John was still asleep, the minute that Luka settled onto the mattress, John turned toward him, nestling against his body.
Luka wrapped his arms around John and gently kissed his forehead. The chain had slipped out from under John's t-shirt and Luka slowly tucked it back inside, noticing that it was now warm from the contact with John's skin. Once again, Luka said a short, yet sincere prayer that John's life had been spared. Then his thoughts turned to Mark and the fact that he now knew about the two of them. That was one more down. At this rate, the entire hospital would know about him and John by the time John returned to work. Not that that would be a bad idea. To Luka, it would be perfect, with no more need for them to hide the fact they were a couple. He still wasn't sure how John felt about that. He hoped that John wouldn't mind everyone knowing. Especially if they all reacted the way Abby, Kerry, Mark, Millicent and his parents had reacted. But, Luka didn't live in a dream world and he knew that there would be people who would say ugly and hateful things about the fact they loved each other. And right now, John didn't need any more ugly and hateful things in his life. Especially if those things came from people he considered friends. So, Luka would take things slow and keep his ears open for gossip. It was the most he could do without compromising their privacy. Or rather, what was left of it.
He kissed John once more, then closed his eyes. It was nice to be able to sleep in the same bed with John and not have to be afraid that someone would come through the door and catch them together. When he had told John that things would get even better, those hadn't been empty words. He had meant them with all his heart. And if things didn't get better on their own, then Luka was determined to make things better, even if he had to move Heaven and Earth to do so.