As the week passed, John went to physical therapy each day, returning home tired and in pain. Luka discreetly watched John, making sure that he was taking his pain medication as prescribed because he was worried that John would try to get through the day without it. Aside from the days immediately after the stabbing, when John wouldn't let the PCA out of his sight, he seemed to avoid taking anything for the pain and that worried Luka. Everyone knew that a person who wasn't in pain would heal faster than one who was. Luka also didn't want John to push himself too much in his recovery efforts. He knew that John was working hard during his therapy sessions, but so far the therapist didn't seem concerned that John was overdoing it. Still, when Luka would come home in the mornings, John would wake up looking as if he hadn't gotten any restful sleep at all. There were times when Luka wished he was on the day shift, so he could spend the entire night with John, see if he was having nightmares or other problems that were keeping him awake. As far as Luka knew, John wasn't seeing anyone to talk about the stabbing, but it didn't concern him too much. John seemed to be handling it well, and if he was having nightmares about it then that was only to be expected.
Ten days after John's release from the hospital, Luka woke up to an empty apartment. Glancing at the clock he saw that it was past time for John to be to physical therapy. Obviously John had gotten ready for it and left without waking him. Luka wasn't sure if he should be happy or glad about that. On one hand, it showed that John didn't want to disturb his rest. On the other hand, Luka found himself wondering if John was trying to avoid spending time alone with him.
Luka ate a quick breakfast, then decided to take out the trash. He was waiting for the elevator to go back upstairs when he ran into one of the elderly women who lived on their floor. She had obviously been to the market because her pull along cart carried two bags.
"Good morning, Luka," she greeted him with a smile. "How are you doing today?"
"I'm fine, Mrs. Kelly. How are you doing?"
"Very well. I was just on my way to the market. I had wanted to wait until this evening, so I could walk with John, but I ran out of milk and my cats are being incessantly loud about that."
"Why would John be walking to the market?"
"John goes out walking every evening. Don't worry, Luka, we've, that is, myself and the other widows in the building, have worked out a schedule to keep an eye on him. Poor thing. He tries so hard to get used to those crutches. He won't be needing them forever, will he? I haven't dared to ask him that."
"No. He won't need them forever. So, he goes out of the building every evening?"
"He told me that his physical therapist wants him to get plenty of exercise."
"I see."
"He didn't tell him that, did he?" she slowly asked.
Luka quickly smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. "I'm sure he did. John wouldn't lie about something like that, Mrs. Kelly. He just forgot to tell me about it, that's all."
When Luka got back to the apartment, he found himself slamming the door. He was angry. He could admit that. John had no business going out by himself every evening, even if he was in the company of one of the elderly widows. As if any one of those frail women could help him if he fell. Didn't John realize that he could damage his body if he pushed himself too hard? Dammitt, he wanted John healed, the sooner the better. A slow throb from his groin told him that his celibacy was one of the reasons he wanted John healed quickly. There had been more than one occasion during the last few days when John had offered to give him some relief in the form of oral sex, but Luka had declined. He had seen how much it pained John to bend over or even kneel. Just watching John dress every day was rough on Luka. He hated seeing John in pain. No, his libido could wait until John was better. And Luka would soon find himself liking cold showers. With that in mind, he headed for the bathroom, wanting to get himself under control before John returned home.
As John let himself into the apartment he was feeling optimistic about his recovery for the first time since he had been stabbed. This had been his last day of weekly therapy. He would still be going to the hospital for physical therapy, but only twice a week. And that was due to the extra work he had been putting in on the crutches. It had been painful to force himself to walk the block every evening, but he had managed it and now he was reaping the rewards. He slumped out of his coat and managed to hang it up, noting with pride that it didn't take as long to do today. And that it wasn't as painful, either. Of course some of that had to do with the fact that he had taken something for his pain before he left his PT session, but he hadn't taken as much as prescribed and he knew that he was getting better.
John cocked his head to the side as he thought he heard water running. Was it from their bathroom or from the apartment above them? He listened for a moment, then decided it was their bathroom. Which meant that Luka was awake. He grinned then and headed into the bedroom. He sat on the bed and stripped as fast as he could, which wasn't as fast as he would have liked. Once in the bathroom, he leaned his crutches against the sink and took small steps to reach the tub. He needed to grab the towel bar for support as he stepped into the tub behind Luka, but he managed it without falling.
"Damn, the water's cold," John laughed as Luka turned and grabbed him by the shoulders.
"You shouldn't be in here," Luka said, his voice husky as the sight of John naked in front of him undid all that the cold water had accomplished.
"You're in here, Luka, so where else should I be?" John leaned forward and kissed Luka, resting his hands on Luka's hips. "So, is the water cold because you've been in here too long or because of other reasons?"
"Other reasons. God, John, if you keep touching me like that, I'll explode." Luka closed his eyes and willed his erection to subside, but John was now caressing him and it was a losing battle. Then John's hands were back on his hips, and Luka felt he could win the battle with his desire. Luka gasped as he felt himself engulfed in a very familiar warmth and he opened his eyes to see that John had sat down on the bench kept in there for his showers. Luka touched John's hair, "You don't have to do this," he said, his voice thick with a desire that proved his words to be lies.
John's answer was to slide his mouth down Luka's length until he had all of Luka. "I won't last long," Luka thought. He had been celibate for too long, taken too many cold showers, to be able to last under John's assault. With a strangled cry he came, having to hold onto the handrail in order to remain upright. But, as his pleasure subsided, he had enough sense to help John get to his feet, and to cut off the water before they both froze.
John leaned into Luka's embrace, resting his head on Luka's shoulder and trying his best to take his weight off his left leg. He knew he had been foolish to get into the tub alone like that, but it was obvious Luka needed release. Needed him. And since he was feeling almost human for the first time in days, John knew he could handle pleasing Luka.
As Luka held John near, he realized two things. First, John had not used a condom. Damn. Well, there was no going back now to change that, but in the future he would have to make sure that John didn't take another stupid chance like that. The second thing Luka noticed is that they were both shivering. He pushed open the shower curtain, grabbed an oversized bath towel and wrapped John in it. "We can't risk you catching a cold," he said.
John ran his hands up and down Luka's arms. "You've got goose bumps, you should dry off and get dressed now."
"In a minute." Luka helped John get out of the tub, then walked with him into the bedroom. "Sit down on the bed and I'll get some clothes for you."
"I can wear what I had on before." John reached for his underwear, thinking that it was convenient that he had tossed his clothing onto the bed when he stripped. "Couldn't have planned it better," he thought, as he found himself being gently pushed onto his back. Luka had climbed onto the bed and was on all fours above his body. John grinned up at Luka, laughing as droplets of water dripped from his lover onto him. Ignoring John's laughter, Luka bent his head for a long kiss, one that left them both breathless. As he pulled away, Luka looked down into John's eyes, gratified to see that John wasn't laughing anymore. Instead his eyes were dark with desire. Desire for him, and only him.
"I don't think this is going to get me dressed," John finally said.
"No. Not yet anyway. You need to be properly dried off first."
Luka opened the bath towel, then began to dry John's body with his towel, paying careful attention to John's arousal. That was something he had missed. No matter how entwined they became while sleeping, Luka had noticed that the physical contact would make him hard, but not John. As a doctor, he knew that there wasn't anything to be worried about. John had been through major surgery and was still recovering from that. His entire body would need time to heal. But, Luka did have to admit that his ego had been a little upset about the lack of reaction in John.
Satisfied that he had the front of John's body dry, Luka closed the bath towel. Even though John was wearing a belt that held his colostomy pouch, Luka knew that John felt self-conscious about the bag. By covering the upper part of John's body, Luka could still reach the rest of John. He slowly dried off John's feet and legs, working his way up John's thighs and to his groin. Luka could feel the goosebumps on his skin, but he knew that it wasn't just his wet body giving him chills. It was the nearness of John.
John closed his eyes and softly moaned as he felt Luka's mouth undo what the towel had done. Not that he minded this kind of wetness on his body. Nope, not one bit. He noticed when Luka stopped what he was doing, but he didn't open his eyes. He knew that Luka was heading for the nightstand to get a condom. Something he should have thought about earlier. Not that it really mattered for him right now. He had been given so much blood during surgery that he would be a health risk in his own right for months to come. Sure, the blood banks all claimed they tested the blood, but how sure could you be that the blood was safe? But, Luka needed to be protected. In fact, if Luka would have attempted to go further without a condom, John would have stopped him. He couldn't bear the thought of Luka being harmed because of him. It was something he didn't want to think about, and yet, he found himself thinking about it often. Lucy had been hurt because of his negligence. So had Audia and Dennis. And Chase. So many people. And now he faced every day knowing that Luka could be hurt just because he loved him.
John didn't realize that he was shaking his head until Luka said something.
"You don't want this?" Luka's voice was sad and when John opened his eyes he saw Luka standing beside the bed, a condom ready and a confused look on his face.
"Why would you ask that?"
"You were shaking your head no. I thought that maybe you had changed your mind."
"Never. I want you, Luka. Nothing has changed that and nothing ever will. I promise." John reached over and gently ran his hand up Luka's bare thigh, barely touching the skin. He smiled as that provoked a response in Luka. It had been a long time for the two of them, and John knew he only had himself to blame for that. If he had been more observant of Sobriki, a better doctor that day, then nothing bad would have happened to him. Or to Lucy. She would be alive and he would be able to make love with Luka the way they used to. The way they wanted to.
Luka knelt on the floor and leaned to kiss John. "I love you so much. I don't ever want to lose you."
"I love you," John whispered.
Luka's heart sang as he finally heard those words. He had known how John felt, but it still felt good to hear the words. But, his heart sank as John continued.
"I'm sorry that I've put you through so much, Luka. I never wanted to make life hard for you. I only wanted to make you happy."
"You do make me happy, John. Don't ever doubt that." He kissed John again, and this time John kissed him back, even going so far as to wrapping his arms around Luka's neck and holding him close.
"Why don't you get on the bed with me and turn around? Then we can satisfy each other," John suggested with a grin.
Luka shook his head. "No. This time is for you, and only you." Then he kissed his way down John's neck and chest, lingering over his sensitive nipples before moving lower to run his tongue up John's thigh.
Once again, John moaned as his head dropped to the covers and he closed his eyes. While he always liked to watch what he was doing to Luka, when the tables were turned, he much preferred the experience with his eyes closed. Blocking out all visual distractions made him concentrate on what Luka was doing to him and that heightened the sensations that Luka evoked from his body. Right now, John could feel the underlying tenderness in Luka's actions. The way he softly stroked his thighs as his mouth descended on his erection. The murmurs of love as Luka kissed his way up and down the shaft of John's penis. All of that was so much better when John couldn't see Luka doing those things. John supposed that there might be people who would say he was trying to pretend that it wasn't a man but a woman doing those things to him. They would be wrong. How could the rough stubble of Luka's beard belong to a woman? Or the fingers and hands callused from years of harsh washings and sailing? No, it wasn't a soft face and they definitely weren't soft hands. They were Luka's hands and face, and ever since the first time John had felt them touch his skin, he had known that he didn't want anyone else but Luka.
John's soft sighs of pleasure served to inflame Luka's desire. He enjoyed giving pleasure to John, and being able to tell that John was indeed feeling pleasure cheered Luka's heart. It also made him slow down. He didn't want things to end too quickly. During the weeks they had spent together Luka had learned the things to do to make John cry out with pleasure. And the places on John's body that were the most sensitive to his touch. Luka knew he would never get enough of John. As much as he had loved Marija, he now found himself loving John even more. That was an unexpected gain from this relationship. Oh, he knew that he would fall in love with John from the moment that John had accepted his advances. But, Luka had not counted on loving John this much. On needing him more than life itself. It was scary to have such strong feelings about someone else, but it was also exhilarating.
Luka slid his mouth up the shaft of John's penis until it was no longer in his mouth. Then he softly began to blow on the wet organ, making John shiver from delight. From the way John was moaning and moving, Luka knew that it would be a good idea to put the condom on him. He didn't want to get caught up in John and forget about it. He quickly unrolled the protection onto John, then resumed his explorations of John's erection, keeping his hands busy with other parts of John as he did so. After that, John didn't last long. When he came, he called out Luka's name, his hands grasping the covers with all his might.
It had been as long for John as it had been for Luka since they last had sex, and John's climax was intense and long. He was still stunned by its intensity as Luka quickly cleaned him with the towel and then dressed him in boxer shorts and sweatpants. When Luka sat down on the bed beside him, John looked up, a smile on his face.
"That was great. Thank you."
"You're most welcome, but I should be thanking you. Shall we get under the covers?"
John nodded. "We should. Or else you need to get dressed. You'll catch a cold if you sit out here naked."
"Where I'm from, it's much colder. I'm used to it, remember?"
"I remember, but you've lived here long enough for your body to get used to our weather. Can you help me up?"
"Sure." Luka helped John get to his feet, then he tucked him into bed the proper way. "I'll be right back." Luka disappeared into the bathroom and returned with John's crutches, which he placed against the wall between the bed and the nightstand. Then Luka walked to his side of the bed and got under the covers, snuggling up next to John.
"Today was my last daily appointment for therapy. I won't go back again until next week," John said as he rolled over to face Luka. "I'm getting better."
"I know. You've worked hard to get this far, John. Maybe too hard." Luka tried to keep his tone light, but when he saw John frown, he knew that he had not been successful.
"Why do you say that?"
"I ran into Mrs. Kelly earlier. She wanted me to let you know that she wouldn't be walking to the market with you tonight. She then told me all about your little strolls every evening. John, you know that those old ladies aren't physically able to help you if you should fall."
"I don't fall, Luka. I take very careful steps and I rest a lot. They never said I couldn't go for walks. As a matter of fact, I was encouraged to walk around at home."
"They meant "in" the home, John. Not outside in the cold. What if you slipped on ice? You really don't want to be back in the hospital...what are you doing?"
"You're still hard," John said as he grasped Luka's penis.
"We're having a serious discussion here," Luka said.
"Keep talking. I'm listening." John began to stroke Luka.
Luka squeezed his eyes shut, trying his best to ignore what John was doing to him. "I can't concentrate on talking while you're doing that," Luka said, opening his eyes only to see that John was looking straight at him, his brown eyes unblinking, but Luka was sure they held a smile.
"Do you want me to stop?" John continued to caress Luka as he waited to hear what Luka wanted.
Luka cleared his throat. What John was doing felt nice. Really nice. But, he also wanted to have a serious conversation with John. Make him realize that he shouldn't be jeopardizing his health. "No. But, I think you should. This is important, John...John?" Luka rolled onto his back, giving up the fight as John disappeared under the covers and Luka once more felt his mouth upon him. There would be time to talk with John later, he decided.
Later turned out to be late afternoon because the two of them fell asleep. Luka was worn out from the combination of working all night and finally finding a much needed sexual release. John was tired from physical therapy and his painkiller finally kicked in, making him drowsy. The end result was that as they curled in each other's arms, they both drifted off.
Luka was the first to awaken, noticing that it was getting dark in their bedroom. He would soon have to get ready for work. He still liked the idea of being home during the day with John, but he also wished he could stay all night with him as well. Maybe he could ask Kerry for a night off soon? He certainly deserved it. Heck, they all did. Everyone was working extra shifts to make up the slack at work.
John stirred beside him and Luka found himself reluctant to awaken him. But, he wanted to get this talk over and done with. Reaching out, he gently touched John on the shoulder, totally unprepared when John jumped and twisted his body in his attempt to turn over in bed. John cried out in pain then and Luka sat up, gathering John into his arms.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you. Are you all right?"
John nodded, even though his face was contorted with pain. "Give me a minute."
"Try to relax," Luka said. It took a few minutes, but he finally felt John's body begin to relax. "Better?"
John nodded. "Yeah. Sorry about that. What time is it?"
"Four. I need to get ready for work."
"How about if I fix us some dinner while you get dressed?"
"Are you sure you're up for that?"
"We still have leftovers in the fridge, right? I can handle heating those in the microwave."
"Sounds good to me." Luka kissed John, then got out of bed. "Do you need the bathroom before I get in there?"
"Um, yeah. I do. I won't be long." John got out on his side of the bed, grabbing his crutches. While John was gone, Luka gathered up his clothes for the night. He would talk to John after his shower, since he didn't think he would last long trying to talk to John while naked. He grinned as he remembered what happened earlier. There was something to be said for people who knew the meaning of the word distraction. Especially that kind of distraction.
"All yours," John said as he hobbled past.
"Thanks." Luka headed into the bathroom while John headed into the kitchen. Ten minutes later, they were sitting down to eat. John had pulled on a sweatshirt and socks while Luka had been showering, and Luka was completely dressed.
"John, getting back to our earlier conversation. I don't want you doing things that will jeopardize your health."
"I'm not doing that, Luka. I know my limitations. I never pushed myself too hard, and I won't start now. Like I said, I walked slowly, took small steps and plenty of breaks. I know what I'm doing."
They stared at each other, John thinking that Luka was making too much of his "strolls" and Luka thinking that John wasn't taking his own health seriously.
Luka finally nodded. "Fine. I just don't want to hear about you going further than the market. Is that clear?"
"Yes, Daddy." John snapped.
"That was uncalled for," Luka replied.
"If you're acting like you're my father, then I think it's very called for. Just who do you think you are to tell me that you had better not hear about me going anywhere? You don't run my life, Luka Kovac."
"I wasn't trying to run your life. Don't you understand that I want you well? If you push yourself too hard, then the only thing you'll accomplish is another week or so in the hospital."
"And you'll have to go without sex again, right? I've offered to give you blow jobs before. It's not my fault that you kept turning me down."
Luka shook his head, not sure why John was overreacting. He had never, in the months they had been together, heard John call it a blowjob. Not even as a joke.
"John, I wasn't thinking about the sex. Yes, I'll admit that I want things to be the way they were before. I want to make love to you like we used to. I want you to take me, too. But, I can wait for that. What I don't want is for you to make yourself ill by pushing yourself too hard."
"I've got news for you, Luka. Things will never be the way they were before...that night. Never." John threw his napkin down on the table, then used his crutches to pull himself to his feet.
"John, you didn't finish your dinner," Luka began.
"Don't start with me again, Luka. I'll eat again when I get hungry. You need to leave now or you'll be late for work." John went into the living room and sat down on the couch.
"I'll clear the table first."
"I can do that. You need to leave."
"I can take a few minutes to get the dishes into the kitchen..."
"Dammitt, Luka! I am not an invalid. I said I could handle that and I will," John yelled at him.
Luka slammed down his plate, his patience finally pushed past its limit. "Fine. Do it all yourself, John. Why don't you clean the whole apartment while you're at it? The floor needs to be vacuumed and the tables dusted. Maybe you can even do the laundry while I'm gone? Hmm? After all, you're Superman, right? You can do anything you want."
"You want the laundry done? The floor vacuumed? Hell, Luka, I'll even mop the kitchen floor while I'm at it. And clean the rest of the place. Will that make you happy?"
"You're the one who keeps saying that you can do anything, not me. So do it all, John. Do it all and then have enough strength left over to call for an ambulance, because by the time you're done with all of that, you'll need one. I'll see you in the morning." Luka slammed out of the apartment, still angry.
By the time he reached the El platform, his anger was beginning to subside. Maybe he was reacting too strongly to John taking those walks. After all, John did pace himself, and there were people watching over him while he was out. Luka knew that having limited mobility was difficult for John. It would be difficult for anyone. Was he really acting like a father by being concerned about John? Luka wasn't sure. He thought he was merely looking out for his best friend and man he loved. Was that a crime? In John's eyes, the answer was apparently yes.
By the time Luka reached the hospital, he was upset with himself over yelling at John. He prided himself on keeping his temper in check, and he had lost it. And in front of John of all people. Someone who certainly didn't deserve to be yelled at. As he changed into his lab coat, Luka's eyes kept straying to the phone. He firmly shut his locker, then called home.
"Please answer," Luka said under his breath as he heard the ringing from the other end.
"Hello?"
"John, I'm sorry."
"Me, too. I didn't mean to yell at you, Luka."
"And I didn't mean to yell at you. I was overreacting to your walks. Maybe it was because I had to find out about them from Mrs. Kelly and not from you."
"Sorry about that. Luka, you don't need to keep worrying about me. I'm getting better every day."
"I know. I can see it. John, I love you."
"And I love you. Have a good shift, Luka."
"Thanks. You have a good night. I'll see you in the morning."
"Right."
John hung up and turned the vacuum back on. He had managed to clean a small section of the floor and figured that at the rate he was going, he would have the carpet finished in an hour or so. Then he could clean up the kitchen and the bathroom. Maybe even dust. Then he would head downstairs to the laundry room. Luka didn't think he could do all of that, but he would show him that he could. Yeah, he'd show him all right. He'd show Luka that he was right, because if he really did all of that, then he would end up back in the hospital. Disgusted with himself over being such a big ass, John turned the vacuum off and went to sit down. He was so tired of being unable to do the things he used to do with ease. Like walking without the aid of crutches or feeling pain with every step he took. Things like being able to sleep through the night. If it wasn't for the painkillers he took right before going to bed, then he wouldn't get any sleep at all. The only time sleep came easily to him was when Luka was there. Thank God for the meds, John thought as his hand strayed to his chest and he touched the cross through the fabric of his shirt. Thank God for Luka.