Luka stepped into the elevator and leaned against the wall, suddenly weary. He had worked all night and was tired, so tired that he wasn't even planning stop upstairs to see John before leaving. John had told him more than once over the past week that he didn't want Luka getting into a car accident on the way home because of spending time in the morning with him. Luka had finally listened to him the past few days, going home as soon as his shift ended. But, he would always show up early for his next shift so he could spend time with John. And his breaks were often spent in John's room as well, even if John didn't know about his middle of the night excursions to merely watch him sleep. Despite his exhaustion, Luka knew he needed to be with John right now. So, when the elevator came to a stop on the ground floor, Luka stayed on board and pushed the button for John's floor. It wouldn't make a difference if he stayed awake another hour or so.
When he got to John's room, the bed was empty. One of the orderlies was there though, sitting near the bathroom door.
The orderly, who had been the same man that had taken John to his MRI nearly a week earlier, greeted Luka with a smile. "He's in the shower if you want to wait."
"Thanks. You know, you really don't have to stay. If he needs any assistance, I can help him."
The orderly laughed. "I figured you'd say something like that. You should know the rules by now: don't let him walk unaided and when he's standing, don't let him put a lot of weight on his left leg."
"I know all that."
"Good. And be prepared for him to be in a bad mood. He hates it that I have to help him get dressed. He'll call out for you when he's done. At least he should. Yesterday, he was already out of the shower by the time he called me to help him and he knows he's not supposed to get out of the shower alone."
"I'll make sure that he follows the rules this time," Luka assured him. The orderly left, shutting the door and leaving Luka alone in the room.
John gingerly leaned forward into the hot spray from the shower. He probably could have waited until morning to shower, but meeting Barbara Knight had left him shaken and upset. The shower was now the only place where he could cry. For a while, he could cry at night, letting his tears soak into the pillow and leaving no trace of his pain and sorrow. But that ended when Luka started working the night shift. Luka had a tendency to sneak into his room whenever he had a break so John never knew when he would be there. The one thing that John didn't want was for Luka to catch him crying, or see the evidence that he had cried. So, that left the shower.
John had already cried, now he wanted to wash away the traces of his tears. He had been in there for a long time, so he wasn't surprised when Gary, the orderly, knocked on the door and came in. Everyone who worked on this floor seemed to be going out of his or her way to take special care of him. He hated it, too. He didn't deserve special treatment just because he worked at the hospital. Besides, he was a patient due to his own reckless disregard. If life was fair, then he would be dead and Lucy would be the pampered patient. Hell, if life were fair, she would have never been hurt in the first place.
"John? Are you all right?"
John jumped slightly as he recognized Luka's voice. Shit. It was too early for him to be here. And where had Gary gone?
"I'm okay. I'll be done soon," John called out over the noise of the shower, hoping that Luka would take the hint and leave the room. He didn't want Luka seeing him naked. Not now.
"Call me when you're ready to come out, okay?"
For some reason, that struck John as funny and he found himself smiling. "A bit late to ask me that, isn't it?"
"You know what I meant, John. You are not to even try to get out of that shower by yourself."
"I'll call you if I need you," John told him. He grabbed the shampoo, intent on quickly finishing his shower. He had washed when he first got in there. As he slowly stood to rinse his hair and body, he wondered why Luka was there early. Was he having trouble sleeping? Or had something bad happened? John's ego was pulling for the former. It would be nice to think that Luka was having as much trouble sleeping alone as he was.
John turned off the water and leaned his head against the wall, closing his eyes so he wouldn't see that damn bag and his incision. He hated looking at them, especially right after a shower when the scar was red and ugly from the hot water. Without the noise from the shower, the room sounded empty and John wondered if Luka had ever left the room.
"You still there?" he asked.
"Yes." Luka's voice was just on the other side of the curtain.
John stuck his hand out through the shower curtain opening. "Can I have a towel?"
"Sure." Luka placed a towel in his hand and John quickly wrapped it around his waist, making sure that the bag was covered. He couldn't do much about the scar, but he could keep Luka from seeing the bag.
He sat back down on the bench. "I could use another towel, please."
"Okay. Do you need any help?"
John smiled at the hopeful tone in Luka's voice. Luka had always liked for them to shower together and John was sure it was because Luka enjoyed washing, then drying him off when they were done. Well, if he was really honest about it, the fact they never took a shower without also having sex was probably another reason Luka liked to take showers with him. But, John was sure that Luka liked the other reasons best.
"I can't quite reach my back. Do you think you could get that for me?"
"Of course." The shower curtain was pulled back and Luka smiled down at him. He handed another towel to John and then began to gently dry John's back with a third towel.
"You're here early," John commented. He began to dry his face.
"I never really had a chance to leave."
"You're not pulling a double shift are you?"
"No." Luka gently dabbed at the scars from the knife. "I was on my way home when I witnessed a hit and run. It was a little girl."
"Is she okay?" John started to stand and Luka helped him stay steady on his feet.
"She'll be all right. Despite me." Luka helped John out of the shower. "Where are your clothes?"
"On the bed. What do you mean, despite you? What happened?" John could see now that Luka was upset about the incident.
"Let's get you dressed and then we'll talk, okay?"
"I can dress myself."
Luka closed the lid on the toilet. "Sit down and I'll be right back."
John sat down and waited for Luka to return with his clothes. Not that he was wearing much these days; underwear, socks, sweatpants and a hospital issued gown. And for those times he wanted to be extra warm, a hospital issued robe as well. Luka was back quickly.
"I can dress myself, Luka," John repeated.
"You aren't supposed to be doing a lot of bending, John. You know that. And you can't get dressed if you aren't completely dry."
"Well, leave the room and I'll finish drying off."
"I want to help you," Luka softly said. "Please?"
"Luka, I'm not a pretty sight right now."
"You will always be beautiful to me, John. Your scars don't bother me."
"How can you say that when you haven't seen all of them?"
"You have a valid point. So, let me see all of them and then I can say that."
"Fine." John got to his feet, reaching out to Luka for support.
"It's okay, John. I won't let you fall."
"I know." John reached down with his other hand and loosened the towel, letting it fall to the floor. He looked up at the ceiling while Luka carefully dried his legs and groin. His unease so great that the touches didn't arouse him in the least bit.
"I've never quite gotten used to seeing staples on people," Luka commented. "They should be out soon, no?"
"In a few more days. And I'll lose the colostomy bag in three more weeks."
"The scar will fade with time, John. All of them will fade, this I promise you." Luka stood in front of him and gently cradled his face, then kissed him fully on the mouth. "I wish you were home. I hate sleeping alone."
"Me, too." John said.
Luka picked up the gown and helped John into it, then he helped John sit back down.
"So, what happened?"
"I tried to help her at the scene, but the ambulance didn't show up. So, I found a man with a truck and had him rush us, and the girl's mother, to the hospital." As Luka spoke, he continued to dress John. "She had fluid around her heart and when I tried to aspirate it, I punctured an artery. They had to crack her open in the emergency room and then rush her to surgery. She's out of surgery and Benton told me that she'll be fine. But, it's my fault that they had to open her chest in the first place. I should have waited for the ambulance, I know that. But, Benton said that she would have died if we waited. I don't know what to think."
"When I was a fourth year medical student I had a patient that ended up in surgery because I punctured his liver during a simple procedure. He died on the table. I knew I had killed him. After all, it was my mistake that put him in the OR in the first place. Benton and Doctor Hicks assured me that man would have died within a few months anyway because he was such a heavy drinker and there was too much damage already done to his liver. Still, I've always felt that it was my fault. Luka, we have to make decisions so quickly. We aren't always sure that they're the right decisions. I guess that we get lucky when the decisions are wrong, but our patients live anyway."
"It's not luck, John. It's the grace of God."
"I think I believed that once. A long time ago. I don't know what to believe any more. Would a God full of grace stand by while a crazy guy brutally stabs a young woman who was only trying to help? Lucy never hurt anyone. Not like I have. There's a lot of blood on my hands, Luka, so tell me, why was I allowed to live?"
"I can't answer a question like that. No one can."
John smiled, but it wasn't one of happiness. "You see? That's the problem. No one can answer that question for me," John said, sighing softly. Then he shook his head as if to dismiss the conversation. "I'd like to get back in bed now."
Luka helped John get into bed, tucking him in and gently kissing his lips. He was about to say goodbye when he decided that what he really wanted was to stay right there with John. To hold him close and let that contact chase away his fears. "John? I need to hold you."
John nodded, recognizing the feelings he saw in Luka's eyes. He moved over on the bed, making way for Luka to crawl in beside him. Luka wrapped his arm around John, holding him as closely as he dared. He didn't want to physically hurt him, and he wasn't entirely sure that John would admit it if he did. If John wanted to tell him that he loved him, this would be a good time, Luka thought.
"Luka?"
"Yes?"
"It's nearly three. There's really no need for you to go home. You won't get much sleep. Why don't you try to get some sleep now?"
"It wouldn't embarrass you?"
"I won't be embarrassed. I sleep better with you beside me and Anspaugh keeps telling me I'm not getting adequate rest. You'd be doing me a favor if you stayed. Besides, you can use the rest, too."
Luka chuckled. "I don't have a problem with your reasoning, John. I'll stay, especially if me being here will help you get better. The sooner I have you home, the happier I'll be."
"Me, too." John clasped his hands over Luka's arm, holding it against his chest. "I've missed you so much."
Luka kissed the back of John's neck. This was about as close as John ever got to admitting his feelings and Luka knew that once more he would have to be content with that. And for now, it was enough.