Luka wasn't able to get back upstairs to see John until after his shift ended. Since he was starting nights soon, Kerry had been kind enough to give him a few days off. He knew that Kerry was planning to fill in for him, and he felt slightly guilty about that, especially now that someone was going to have to be filling in on John's scheduled shifts. His guilt only went but so far though, for he planned to spend as much time as possible with John, even if his parents were around. Luka was determined, though, not to let guilt - or any other distraction -- interfere in spending time with John. He was fairly confident that he could make John's parents believe he was just another friendly co-workers and an across-the-street neighbor. He would say whatever they needed to hear, as long as it kept him near John. There would be time later to ask forgiveness for the lies.
He passed the quiet, yet busy nurses station, giving them a small wave and quick smile as he saw they were in the middle of their shift change. One of the perks of being a doctor was that he didn't have to follow visiting hours. For all they knew, he was one of John's doctors and not some moon-struck puppy hoping for a few minutes alone with the object of his dreams. He smiled at that thought as he stepped into John's semi-dark room and pulled up a chair so he could sit close to him.
John was asleep, so Luka settled for simply sitting there holding his hand. He noted that even in his sleep, John had a firm grip on the control button for the PCA machine. Luka wanted to be able to take away all the pain that John was feeling - the physical and the emotional. He knew that John hated being catered to, he had found that out by accident one morning when he dared to try to serve John breakfast in bed. John had worked a double shift, come home and crashed for a long time. Luka had thought that John would appreciate being indulged, but John told him he had long passed the point of needing that kind of help when he was a toddler and wasn't interested in having Luka be his servant. Luka had tried to defend his actions, but with little success. John stubbornly refused to let him do what he wanted. At least as far as breakfast was concerned. Luka had learned early on that a strategically timed kiss was the best way to end an argument, especially if he wasn't winning the argument. It had never failed with Marija and so far, it hadn't failed with John. The breakfast tray was placed aside and the food quickly forgotten.
John was going to have to depend on other people for help with his recovery and Luka knew John would hate that. Luka had read everything that Kerry had found about John's condition and possible recovery. With physical therapy and hard work and proper care, John could regain the full use of his leg. Luka knew that John would work hard, and he would follow the instructions of his physical therapist. It was the proper care part that had Luka worried, and not just as far as nutrition went. He could make sure that John ate right. It was keeping John from pushing his body beyond its limits that might prove difficult. John was stubborn, and if he was sure that a lot of hard work would get him on his feet and back to work quickly, then he would work extra hard. Well, Luka was resolved to do all he could to keep John from harming himself in his quest to get well.
Luka sighed as he thought about John's emotional and mental health. One of the outcomes from the meeting had been that Kerry wanted a therapist available to any of the staff who needed to talk. Especially the staff that had been there when the stabbing occurred. She had been looking directly at him as she said that, and he did his best to pretend that she didn't mean him, but they both knew better. Even before she had mentioned it, he had given thought to talking to someone. Although he had been thinking more along the lines of his priest, and not a therapist. But, right now, anyone with a willing ear would be great. He remembered the guilt he had carried around with him after Marija and Jelena had been killed by the bomb blast. The guilt had made him determined to be a super parent to his Mira, and when she had died from pneumonia, despite his and the hospital's best efforts to treat her, he had been thrown into a deep depression. A depression that had made it all too easy for him to come under the influence of those who thought violence was the only answer. There weren't many days that went by when he didn't thank God for letting him come to his senses before he killed anyone. He didn't want John falling into a deep depression. But, he wasn't sure if John would be willing to see a therapist and he knew that he would be unable to make him go for therapy against his will.
Luka stretched as he thought about that, his aching body telling him that it wanted more rest. It was almost one and he decided to head home and try to sleep. Perhaps the nightmares wouldn't come tonight. He could certainly pray they wouldn't. He got to his feet and placed a gentle kiss on John's forehead, then went home, determined to be back in the morning. And also determined to use the front entrance of the hospital. After all, there was no reason to give Randi anything more to talk about, and if he was seen in the ER, he might be put to work. Generally, Luka didn't mind helping out, even if it was his day off. But, not now. Not when John needed him.
The next morning, Luka took a rushed shower, then hurried to the hospital, knowing he could get something for breakfast there after he had seen John. Once more though, his desire to see John was thwarted by a closed door. He knocked, only to have Peter Benton tell him that doctors from neurology and ortho were in with John, examining him, and that Luka would have to come back later. Then the door was firmly closed in his face, shutting him off from John. He heard John's voice while Benton held the door ajar, but hadn't been able to see him, so he partial verification that John was doing all right.
"Well, there's always breakfast," he muttered, even though he didn't feel much like eating. He turned to go back to the elevators and saw that John's parents were sitting in the waiting area, staring at him. Luka knew he could walk away without talking with them, thereby putting off the need to lie when they began to ask questions about how he knew John and why he was there. He even took a few steps away from them, then he decided that he might as well get it over with. He turned and walked over to them. Roland Carter stood as Luka approached them and he held out his hand.
"You must be Luka Kovac. John's mentioned you."
Luka regarded the older man warily, wondering just what John had told his father. The man didn't seem angry or upset, so Luka figured that John had said nothing more than that they worked together. Perhaps that they were friends. He took the proffered hand and gave it a firm shake, noting that Roland Carter had a strong grip.
"I'm Roland Carter and this is my wife, Sarah."
"It's a pleasure to meet both of you. John has spoken of you often," Luka replied, hoping his response was diplomatic. "I only wish that we were meeting under better circumstances."
"Yes. Please have a seat."
Luka sat down across from the couple, sizing them up. John got his dark looks from his mother, but her brown eyes didn't come close to showing what was going on in her heart the way John's did. Her eyes were guarded and nearly expressionless. As were Roland Carter's blue ones.
"I was wondering if Doctor Benton told you more than he told us. We arrived about ten minutes ago and the specialists were already in with John, so we haven't seen him yet," Roland said.
Luka shook his head. "He only told me that they were examining him. I suppose they will order a few tests for him today."
Sarah Carter finally spoke. "Is John in any danger of dying?" Her voice was melodic, but the tone sharp and Luka noted that while her eyes didn't betray her emotions, her voice certainly did. Sarah Carter was scared. Very scared.
"Not anymore. John has a long and difficult recovery ahead of him, but he's out of danger."
"Were you working when it happened?" she asked.
Luka slowly nodded. "I was on duty then. I was in charge of the ER at the time and I take full responsibility for what happened. I should have been more observant of what was happening."
"We've already spoken with Doctor Romano and Kerry Weaver about the details of the other night. There's nothing you could have done to prevent this, Doctor Kovac," Roland said. "I'm a lawyer, so I know culpability and responsibility when I see it. Neither are solely on your shoulders."
"That's kind of you to say, but..."
"Doctor Kovac, I don't see the need to discuss this now. The attack is in the past and it's not important right now. What's important is that John survived. I was about to suggest to Sarah that we go downstairs and have breakfast while waiting for the specialists to finish their exam. Would you care to join us?"
"I'm not hungry, the two of you can go without me," Sarah said.
"You need to eat, dear."
"You can bring me back coffee."
Luka sensed a tension between the couple then and he looked at John's mother with the eye of a doctor and saw that she was pale and had dark circles under her eyes. Maybe she cared about John after all.
"I was on my way to the cafeteria when I stopped to speak with the two of you. It will be crowded down there right now, but we shouldn't have any problem finding a table," Luka said.
Roland got to his feet, then gave his wife a quick kiss on the cheek. "We won't be gone long. Are you sure you don't want anything to eat?"
"I'm sure," she replied, shaking her head and making Luka doubt if she knew what she wanted. This was a trait John obviously picked up from his mother - the ability to say one thing and signal another with the movement of his head. John would say no to something, but nod; or say yes and be slightly shaking his head no.
Luka got to his feet and smiled reassuringly at her. "John will be fine, Mrs. Carter."
For the first time since he met her, she smiled, but he thought it was a smile of sadness and not one of joy or relief. "He has to be fine, Doctor Kovac."
The two men were mostly silent as they went to the cafeteria. Luka suppressed his anger, knowing he wanted to say many things to Roland Carter, but also knowing that he didn't want to get into an argument with John's father. Especially since the topics were things that a simple "friend" of John's wouldn't know about his family. So, he remained silent, speaking only to let Roland know they had to exit to the right when they stepped out of the elevator and what foods to avoid once they were in line to eat.
As they sat down, Luka quickly scanned the room to see if anyone from the ER was there. There wasn't and he relaxed a bit then. He didn't care if Kerry or Abby saw him, but he didn't want to deal with Randi and her nosiness, or Malucci and his cockiness.
"So, you're the person who's usually there when I call John on his cell phone, aren't you?" Roland asked as he cut up his eggs.
"I'm often there, yes."
"I thought I recognized your voice. You seem to be there often. Even late at night or early in the morning."
"My apartment is directly across the street from John's. We see each other a lot."
"My niece told me that John has sublet his apartment to her. She's supposed to move in later this week. I guess we can take John's things to our house until he's released from the hospital. I have no idea if he's found another place to live. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you, Doctor Kovac?" Roland took a sip of his coffee as he looked to Luka for his answer.
Luka looked down at the table, not sure what to say. He suspected Roland Carter knew he and John were involved, but he didn't want to upset John by revealing their relationship. What if he had no idea? Then all Hell would break loose and John would be at the mercy of his family once again.
"John hasn't told me his plans," Luka said, mentally kicking himself for having to lie once more.
"Interesting," Roland said. "He hasn't told you anything about where he's going to live once his cousin takes over his apartment, and yet you seem to spend a lot of your time with my son. I guess I was assuming too much."
"And just what were you assuming, Mr. Carter?"
"John sounds happy when we talk. He's even mentioned that he has someone special in his life right now, but he won't tell me who that person is. I know it's not Elaine Nichols again. That hussy is still in Europe and far away from John. She won't find it so easy to get her claws into him again. Since I was always hearing another voice there with John when I called, no matter the time of night, I had assumed that he was involved with a man. When I recognized your voice, I thought it was you."
Luka looked away once more, wondering if their relationship was that transparent. Were they only deluding themselves when they thought no one knew about them?
"So, was I assuming too much, Doctor Kovac?"
Luka looked back at John's father, expecting to see anger or derision in his eyes. Instead he saw concern. Maybe Roland Carter gave a damn about John after all. "I think that under the circumstances, you could call me Luka."
"Then it is true? You are with John?"
"I love John. I'm not exactly sure how he feels about me though. He hasn't said that he loves me, but he's willing to move in with me. And he's been happy with me. I'm sure you don't approve, but he's truly happy and that should mean something to you."
Roland regarded him quietly for a few moments. "I don't know what you think about me, Luka. I admit that John and I have a sometimes strained relationship. I've wanted a lot for my son over the years. Some of that has been what I wanted and some has been what he wanted. He's never failed to make me proud. John has worked hard to be a doctor. He's had to fight my father nearly the entire way because the old man wanted John to work for him and learn the family business. He still sees John as his potential heir and feels that medicine is a hobby that John plays in until he's ready to admit that the old man is right. That will never happen."
"You never hesitate to verbally attack John, so how can you say that you're proud of him? On Christmas Day, you told him to not even show up. Do you have any idea how that made him feel?"
"I know that I hurt him then. I tried to call him back, but he had cut off his cell phone. I even tried him at his apartment, but if he was there, he never answered. So, I left messages on his answering machine telling him I was sorry and that he should come on out for dinner. I left several messages, but I didn't hear from him until later that night, when it was too late for him to drive out. He apologized for not being home earlier and promised to come out to see us the next morning, which he did."
"John feels that you, and the rest of his family, don't want him around."
"That's stupid," Roland retorted. "I don't know why he would think that. He's the only son I have left. Of course I want him around. You seem to want to put all the blame on me, but you don't see John trying to rearrange his schedule to see me when I'm in town, now do you?"
"Are you referring to your visit last month? When you called him at six in the morning to let him know that you were only going to be in town for one day? That you would be at the club around noon and he could meet you there?"
"Yes. But, he never even tried to meet me. I waited for him at the club, but he never showed up. It's a two way street, Luka, and I'm not totally to blame for the problems John and I have."
"He tried to meet you. I remember that day very well. You called him right before he left for work, and once he got there, two of the other doctors had the flu. One even went home. Now, just who was he supposed to ask to work for him? You are lucky enough to be your own boss, but John doesn't have that luxury. He is on a schedule and he needs more than three hours notice to change that schedule. If he can't get someone to cover his shift, then he can't take the time off. The lives of other people depend on there being enough doctors in the emergency room to handle the traumas and the minor complaints. Should he have left someone to bleed to death in the ER just so he could get maybe an hour of your precious time? I think not, Mr. Carter." Luka belatedly realized that he was shouting, but right then he didn't care. How dare the man expect John to drop everything to run and sit in attendance on him?
"How dare you talk to me that way? You don't have any idea what it's like to have a family to provide for. I've given John everything he's needed and then some."
"You've given him everything except love. You find it so easy to say you love your son, but when do you ever show him? Money and gifts mean nothing to John, haven't you realized that by now? The only thing he's ever wanted from you is for you to tell him that you're proud of him and what he's done. That you love him. But, you never say those things to him. You find it easier to tell a total stranger those words about him, but you can't tell him. You need to ask yourself why." Luka got to his feet. "And for your information, Mr. Carter, I know what it's like to provide for a family. I had a wife and daughters to look after and I lost them all. I thank God that I never hesitated to tell and show them how I felt while they were alive. My daughters knew they were loved and cherished because I not only spent time with them, I told them over and over how much they meant to me. John nearly died, Mr. Carter. You've been given this chance to show and tell him what he means to you. You should take that chance while you can, because you never know what tomorrow or even tonight might bring."
Luka turned and walked away. He had not intended to lecture John's father, but it had happened. He wasn't sorry about it though. Roland Carter needed to have his eyes opened before he lost his son forever.
When Luka arrived back at John's room, he saw that the door was finally open and Mrs. Carter was in with John. His argument with Roland Carter still had him wired, so he didn't hesitate to interrupt the mother and son visit.
"Hi," Luka said as he stepped into the room.
John's eyes lit up when he saw Luka and that emboldened Luka to give him a quick kiss hello. Luka smiled as he watched the slow blush color John's cheeks, but he didn't apologize for kissing him in front of his mother. The way he figured it, if Roland Carter already knew they were an item, then Sarah Carter probably knew as well. And if she didn't, then it was time she did.
John tried his best to sound calm as he asked his mother, "Have you met Luka?"
Sarah nodded, but she wasn't smiling. "We met earlier. I had no idea that you and Doctor Kovac were...close."
"We...uh...well, yeah. I guess you could say that we're close," John stammered.
"We're living together," Luka said as he sat in the other chair.
A smile began to play around Sarah's mouth as she looked from the confident Luka to her uneasy son. "I see. Roland had a feeling that something was going on with you. I guess he was right."
John wanted to pull the covers up over his head and hide from both his mother and Luka. How could Luka kiss him in front of her? And what did she mean that his father had a feeling something was going on with him? Thinking about his father made John aware that Luka had returned to the room alone. Dear God, he thought, what did Luka say to him?
"We're very happy together," Luka told her.
"John has sounded happy these past few weeks. Even over the long distance phone lines, we've been able to tell that much. He's dropped hints that he's with someone he cares about, but he never mentioned you by name." Since John wasn't talking to her anymore, Sarah decided that she might as well talk to Luka.
"I can assure you that I care very much about John. I won't hurt him, Mrs. Carter."
"That's about all a parent can really ask for, isn't it? I'll admit that in my dreams I had hoped to see John settled down with a wife and children. But, if being with you makes him happy, then I can live with that."
"Really?" John finally spoke up. He had been preparing himself for a strong tongue lashing from his parents. About how he once more had disappointed them by not doing the "normal" thing with his life. "You aren't angry?"
Sarah smiled gently at John and grasped his hand, squeezing it gently. "How could I ever be angry with you? Parents want their children to be happy, John. If being with Luka makes you happy, if you love him and want to be with him, then how can I be angry with that?"
Before John could reply, Roland returned, a cup of coffee in one hand and a paper bag in the other. "I'm sorry it took so long for me to come back with your coffee, dear." He handed her a cup of coffee, then reached into the bag and pulled out a danish, which he also handed to Sarah. "It's apple, your favorite."
"Thank you. You missed the big news about John and Luka."
Roland cast a steely gaze Luka's way, then turned his attention to John. Luka was heartened to see that Roland's gaze softened when he looked at John. "Luka and I had a long talk downstairs. I'm not sure how your grandparents are going to take this news, but I won't disown you because you've fallen in love with another man." Once more Roland reached into the bag, this time pulling out a chocolate iced donut. "I remembered that you used to love these."
John smiled slightly as he reached for the donut, not only because his father had brought him real food, but because he felt relieved that his father was taking the news about him and Luka so well. Before he could answer, Luka spoke up.
"That's still his favorite kind. I take it that you can now eat solid food?" Luka's gaze was serious as he addressed John. Despite his stern tone, inside he felt happy that John didn't deny being in love with him. Someday you'll find the courage to say those words to me, Luka said to himself.
"As of this morning. Thank you," John said to his father. He took a big bite of the donut, savoring the taste. He had only been on liquids for one day, but it had been long enough to make him appreciate food.
"So, what did the specialists have to say?" Roland asked.
John sighed. "Not much really. They're going to do an MRI today, but they seem to think that it's a simple matter of residual nerve damage from the pressure of the hematoma."
Sarah looked over at Luka. "John quit speaking English when he started medical school. I have no idea what he's talking about."
"I'm not sure I can put it into proper English, Mrs. Carter, but I'll try my best." Luka patiently explained about the hematoma that had developed on the lumbar plexus as a result of the stabbing. By the time he was done, John's parents had a vivid image of what had happened. And how close their son had come to dying or being paralyzed.
Sarah's grip on John's hand became stronger as she regarded him, tears in her eyes.
"Mom, everything's going to be all right. I'll need some physical therapy, but everything will turn out fine. Honest."
"We'll know more after the MRI, John," Luka interjected. He didn't want John giving Sarah false hope. It wasn't fair to her and it wasn't fair to John, either.
An orderly appeared with a wheelchair. "It's time for your MRI, Doctor Carter," he said.
"I'm surprised they set it up this fast," John said as he sat upright in bed and began to swing his legs over the side.
"You're an important patient. They wouldn't make you wait," Luka said. He started to get to his feet to help John into the wheelchair, but Roland was already doing just that, so Luka let him.
Once John was settled in the chair and about to leave, Luka stepped in front of him. He bent down and kissed him again. "I'll be here when you get back."
This time there was no blush. John simply nodded, then let the orderly know he was ready to go.
Luka watched them leave, then he turned back to face John's parents. Sarah had already straightened John's blankets and Roland had taken Luka's chair. Since there was no other place to sit, Luka perched himself on the bed. He wasn't going to leave, no matter what Roland Carter might have to say about it.
"I thought about what you said, Luka," Roland said, looking him directly in the eyes. "You might be right. I'll have to think about it some more. Now, can you tell us in more detail what John can expect as far as his recovery is concerned?"
"Please?" Sarah added.
Luka nodded, then told them everything he had learned, leaving no detail out. It turned into a question and answer period that lasted until John came back from the MRI. Luka helped him back into bed, smiling at him and hoping John could see that there was no tension between him and his parents.
John looked at three of the most important people in his life and noticed that the unease he had felt earlier between his father and Luka was now gone. That made him feel a lot better. They talked about the MRI for a bit, then John felt himself nodding off. His parents finally told him goodbye for a few hours, promising to be back after lunch. He accepted his mother's kiss on the cheek and was pleasantly surprised when his father hugged him goodbye. Where in the Hell did that come from? They left and he was alone with Luka.
"Are you upset with me for kissing you?"
John shook his head. "No. In a way it's a relief that they know. I guess I did give them a lot of hints. I didn't want them to be too surprised when they found out."
"They weren't. I should let you know that Abby Lockhart knows about us. I didn't mean to tell her. We were at Doc Maggoos the night of the...while you were in surgery. I was upset because I had to treat you in the trauma room and I let it slip that we were lovers. She took it well and promised to keep quiet about it."
"I think she can be trusted to keep her word," John said with a yawn.
"She also ended up waking me yesterday. I fell asleep after you talked me into getting in bed with you."
John grinned. "Were you embarrassed?"
"A little," Luka admitted.
"Good. That kinda makes up for you kissing me in front of my mother."
"And the orderly?"
"Nah. I don't know him." John felt his eyelids grow heavy and begin to close.
"John?"
John slowly opened his eyes. "Yeah?"
"I think that Kerry Weaver has figured it out. She was asking me strange questions yesterday. I haven't said anything to her, but I think she knows."
"Okay," John murmured as he gave up trying to stay awake.
Luka sat on the edge of the bed and gently kissed John's lips. "You won't think it's so okay when you wake up and remember what I told you." He watched John sleep for a few minutes, then sat in the chair closest to the bed and turned on the television. He kept the sound low so he wouldn't awaken John and while he waited for a show to start, he thought back over the events of the morning. Things had gone well. Very well. John's father wasn't quite the heartless bastard he had imagined him to be. And his mother wasn't as cold as he had envisioned her. He remembered the look in her eyes, how expressionless they had been. He had seen that look before on women back home - women who had lost their children. While he knew that losing his girls had broken his heart, he also knew that his eyes had never been like that. It was something unique to mothers. And yet, when Luka had returned to the room and it had just been John and Sarah, her eyes held expression. Maybe it had been worry and fear over John that had stolen her light earlier?
Luka felt optimistic over the fact that John's parents had not rejected John over their involvement. If the rest of the Carter family followed suit, then he knew John would feel more comfortable. Perhaps comfortable enough to say those three words that Luka wanted to hear. "I love you," Luka said them out loud once more. Luka thought it odd that having grown up in a strict Catholic household, he was the one that had no trouble accepting the fact he loved another man. He was secure in his faith and didn't feel that God would forsake him because he loved John. If it was so wrong, then why would God allow him to fall in love? And it wasn't just sex either. Luka had feelings for John months before he ever had John in his bed. How could he not love John? It would be like asking him not to breathe. That love would still be there, even if they could never have sex again. And Luka knew that it would be a long time before they could make love once more. John wouldn't be physically able for that for quite a while. Not that it mattered to Luka. He could wait. John was worth waiting for.
Right before lunch, Peter Benton came to talk to John about the results of the MRI. John was still asleep and Benton looked surprised to see Luka sitting there. But, Benton didn't say anything about Luka's presence. Instead, he sat in the other chair and waited for John to awaken, which he did shortly after that. The MRI had confirmed what the specialists had diagnosed. That was a relief to all of them. John was scheduled to start physical therapy the next day and his progress would be monitored closely. When Roland and Sarah returned, they were happy to hear the news and they thanked Benton for all of his help. And for getting John through surgery alive. That had embarrassed Benton and he quickly left. John wondered about that. Benton had never been the type who felt humble while being praised. And yet he had seemed reserved when John had thanked him right after his surgery. And now he was embarrassed because his parents had thanked him. Something wasn't right with Peter Benton, and John wanted to know just what it was. But, obviously, he wasn't going to be able to find out the answer today. So, he made a mental note to talk to Benton the next time they were alone together.