John was dimly aware of voices. They were kept low, so he couldn't quite hear what was being said, but concentrating on them helped him ignore the growing pain in his back and gut. But, the pain persisted and he finally opened his eyes, hoping that the voices belonged to nurses and that one of them would give him something for the pain.
"Hello," Kerry greeted him with a smile. "We didn't wake you, did we?"
John shook his head, worried when he saw that the "we" included Robert Romano.
"What time is it?" John's mouth was dry, but he was willing to ignore that provided they gave him a painkiller. As he shifted his aching body, he looked down at his right hand and saw that he was holding the control for a PCA. He quickly pushed the button, almost sighing out loud as he began to feel some relief.
"A little after nine. Do you feel up to talking about last night?" Kerry gently asked.
"I suppose so."
"Good. I'll get the detective in here. There's no point in making you go over this twice," Romano said as he left the room.
"Is Luka still here?"
Even though Kerry was puzzled over his question, she didn't pursue why he needed to know she simply answered him. "He went home hours ago. Would you like some water?"
"Please."
Kerry held a straw up to his lips and he drank greedily. He would have drunk all of it, but she took the straw away, saying he didn't need too much cold water in his stomach right then. As she was putting the cup back on his bed tray, Romano returned with another gentleman. He wasn't the cop that John remembered from the trauma room. This man didn't wear a uniform.
Introductions were made, and then John told them all he could remember of the previous day's events, and all that led up to the stabbing. He was in the middle of telling them about seeing Lucy on the floor of curtain three when Kerry stopped him.
"I don't think you need to tell us anymore."
The detective nodded his agreement. "She's right. It's a shame that you never saw who stabbed you, but we're certain that it was Paul Sobriki. I think that young man is going to be spending a very long time in a mental institution."
"I hope he spends his entire life there," Romano spat out.
John looked away from the trio, wondering if Romano felt the same hatred toward him. After all, it was ultimately his fault that Lucy was dead. He had been her supervisor and he had left her alone with the patient. If he had spent more time with her and Sobriki, then he would have noticed that the man was violent and would have made sure that someone from Psych saw him before he was able to harm anyone. He had told Luka that he had not been given any reason to suspect that Sobriki was violent, but those had been empty words. They were just said to keep Luka from blaming himself. John knew he was once more guilty of causing another death.
"John?"
John looked up into the worried eyes of Kerry. Romano and the detective had gone.
"Yeah?"
"Are you okay?"
He nodded. "I'm fine. Is this a real room? I thought I was in recovery earlier."
"You were. This is your room now."
"Did you call my parents?"
Kerry nodded. "I did. They're on their way. Your father wasn't sure if he could get an early flight out of Bangkok."
"I forgot they were in Thailand again. Hmm, that's a long airplane ride. By the time they get here, I'll be ready to go home," he
smiled.
Kerry smiled back. "I think they'll get here before that happens. Is there anything you want? I need to get back downstairs."
"Could you move my tray closer?"
"Sure." Kerry rolled the tray over and made sure he could easily reach the cup of water.
"What about Lucy's mother? Did she arrive yet?" John couldn't imagine travelling to see your injured child only to find out that your child was dead.
"Yes. I've already spoken with her. She's handling this about as well as can be expected. Now, you need to get some rest. I'll be back by to see you before I leave for the day."
"Okay. Do you know when Luka is supposed to show up for work?"
"He's on at noon. Why?"
"I need to see him."
"He was up to see you earlier, do you remember that?"
"Yeah. But, I need to see him again. Will you tell him?"
"Sure." Kerry smiled at him again; "I'll let him know."
Then Kerry left and he was alone once more. He closed his eyes, but the image of Lucy on the floor danced through his head, and he jerked his eyes open, not wanting to see that again. "Oh, God, Lucy. I'm so sorry. So very sorry."
The third time that Luka was awakened by a nightmare, he gave up on trying to get more sleep. He raised up on one elbow to look at the clock on the other side of the bed. He meant to look directly at the clock, but he found his gaze resting on the cold pillow on that side of the bed: John's pillow. Not just an extra pillow that Luka lent to John, but John's own pillow from his place. Luka choked back the lump in his throat and checked the time. It was just after ten, so he decided to get ready for work. He could go in early to see John and give him the bag he had already packed for him. He figured that John would soon need and appreciate the toiletries and clothes. Hospital gowns weren't the most comfortable things to wear and Luka knew that John preferred sweatpants and old t-shirts. That is, when he wore anything at all. A smile danced over his face as he remembered the first time John had spent the entire night with him and had tried to dress for bed. Luka wasn't having any of that and he pulled John back into bed, pinning him to the mattress until he agreed to sleep just as he was: naked and warm from their loving. Of course, the kisses that Luka had showered upon his body might have had a lot to do with John making that decision, but the final result was that John only wore clothing to bed when he was away from Luka, which, thankfully, wasn't often. The smile faded as Luka felt John's absence once more, wanting him home. Wanting him whole and safe.
That line of thought reminded Luka of his nightmares and as he dressed he tried his best to chase those images from his mind. Three different dreams, but all had the same theme. The first was about John, the second about Marija, the third about his little girls. The dreams all ended the same, with each of them screaming his name and begging for him to help them. Each time he was unable to keep them safe. He had failed each and every time and he was still shaken over how close he had come to losing John. Never again, he vowed. Never again would he put John or anyone else in danger because he put his own needs and wants first. With his family, it had been his desire to practice medicine and stay out of the army. If he had joined up, then Marija would have moved back to the country to be with her family and they would have been safe. They certainly wouldn't have been shopping in the city that day, and the Serbs didn't target their own, so Marija and their daughters would have been safe. With John, Luka had wanted everyone in the E.R. to like him. So, he didn't object when they wanted the music loud for the party. He didn't want to be seen as a hard person, the way they regarded Kerry Weaver. If not for the music; if not for the party, then he or someone else might have heard it when Lucy was stabbed. Someone could have caught Sobriki then and John would have never been harmed. He shook his head, no, never again.
He was on his way out the door when he spied a shiny package resting on the coffee table. He pushed the door closed, then walked over and picked up the package. A card was taped to the rectangular box and he opened that first. It was a Valentine's Day card from John, and reading it reminded Luka of the delicious plans the two of them had made for the previous evening. Exchanging gifts had been first on the agenda, but now, it would be a while before John would be able to get his present. It was still in Luka's dresser drawer, carefully wrapped in shiny red paper with a white bow. Red for their passion and white for the purity of the love they felt for each other. Luka could easily picture the present nestled inside that box - it had been a part of him for so very long. At first, he had wondered if it was an appropriate gift. There certainly were a lot of people who would argue that it was sacrilege for him to give his male lover the simple gold cross that had been a present on his Confirmation Day. But, he knew that John would cherish it and that it would spend nearly all of its time resting against John's heart. John had made one or two comments to Luka about the fact that he never saw him without that cross, and Luka had seen the understanding in John's eyes as he explained how important his faith was to him - and how much he treasured this outward symbol of his faith.
No, there was no way he could give it to John yet. Patients weren't encouraged to wear jewelry. So, John would have to wait. Luka started to put the box back on the table, thinking that if John had to wait, then so would he. Then his curiosity got the better of him and he snatched the box up, ripping off the heart embossed paper. He opened the box and looked in, then grinned as he lifted out a slip of paper. It was the lease for John's apartment, and according to the signatures on it, John was subletting it to his cousin. That meant that John was going to be with him all the time. Luka was mildly surprised at seeing the lease because as late as two days ago, they had discussed yet once again how much time John was spending at Luka's place versus his own apartment. In Luka's mind, John's insistence on keeping his apartment was only serving to deplete his bank account. For all intents and purposes, John lived with him. It looked as if John was finally agreeing with him on that. Luka placed the lease back in the box, then put the box in the bedroom. When he left the apartment, he was still smiling.
"Luka, you're here early," Kerry commented as he walked through the ambulance bay doors.
"I thought I'd bring John some things. We live right across the street from each other, so I figured it would be easiest for me to get his things."
"You have a key to Carter's place?" Randi asked, popping her gum and raising her eyebrows as she waited for his answer.
Luka regarded her coolly, thinking it was none of her business. He was about to tell her that when Kerry spoke once more.
"We'll be having a meeting later today with Mark and Romano. We need to go over what happened last night and what we can do to prevent something like that from happening again. Right now the meeting is scheduled for five-thirty in Romano's office, but that might change." They started towalk to the lounge.
"I'm on until midnight, so that's not a problem for me. Have you gotten any sleep? You look exhausted."
Kerry opened her locker and began to put her gear away as she answered him. "I'm on my way home now. Romano left right after we spoke with Carter a few hours ago. The police took his statement then." She pulled on her coat and warily eyed Luka, "Carter wanted me to tell you that he needed to see you. I guess he wants to ask if you'll bring some of his things to him."
"I guess," Luka put his coat in his locker, then shut the door. "I'll head on up there now. What's his room number?"
"He's in 528. Luka, I know I put you in a tough position last night by making you take charge of Carter's trauma. I honestly didn't think I could handle treating him."
Luka smiled reassuringly at her. "I know he rented a room from you for quite a while, so that makes you a little closer to him than anyone else here."
"Am I really?"
"I don't understand what you mean?"
"I mean, is there any reason why you shouldn't have been treating Carter last night?"
"You were treating Lucy and I was the only Attending available. Would you have wanted Malucci or Chen to be in charge of Carter's care?"
"That wasn't my question, Luka."
He picked up the small overnight bag that held John's things. "I need to get upstairs before my shift begins. I'll see you later, Kerry. Drive safely."
He left the lounge as quickly as he dared, not wanting Kerry to think he was running away from her questions. He didn't think that Abby had said anything to anyone about what he had revealed to her about him and John being together. It was simply a case of Kerry Weaver revealing how intuitive she was. As he approached the elevators, he could see that Curtain Three was once more open for business. No red tape blocked off the doors and he was sure that no blood remained on the floor. The image of John on the floor, surrounded by his own blood, jumped before Luka's eyes. He remembered seeing John's bloody handprints on the floor, a testament to his efforts to get up. And his failure. Luka hadn't noticed the handprints when he had first gone in the room to help. It had been later, after he was done with Samantha Sobriki. He had found himself drawn back to the room and he stood in the doorway looking at the police as they dusted the room for fingerprints. That was when he noticed how much blood John had lost. And John's handprints. One of the officers was trying to leave the room and he had to ask Luka three times to move before Luka heard him. He apologized to the officer, then headed upstairs, knowing he had to see for himself how John was doing in surgery.
He stepped into the elevator, selecting the fifth floor and hoping that John was awake when he got to his room. He needed to hear his voice again. Needed to touch him and tell him that he loved him.
When Luka reached John's room, he was forced to wait a few minutes before entering. The door was closed to him and when he had knocked, a nurse told him that he would have to wait. When the door finally opened, Luka had to keep a tight rein on his composure so he wouldn't just rush straight in. Instead, he smiled at the nurse, who smiled back as she told him he could now go in, but that he shouldn't stay too long because Mr. Carter tired easily and needed his rest.
Luka paused in the doorway, his eyes taking in the occupant of the room. John was still pale, but he looked a little more comfortable now than he had earlier that morning.
"Hello," Luka greeted him as he stepped into the room. "I brought you some things from home."
John smiled at him. "Found enough of my stuff there to fill a bag, huh?"
Luka shrugged. "It wasn't hard to do. Most of your stuff is there." He sat the bag down in a nearby chair, then pushed the door closed before properly greeting John with a kiss. "I opened your present. Thank you."
John smiled. "I guess it looks like you're stuck with me; although," John looked away from Luka and continued warily, "if you should change your mind about wanting me around, I can always move back to my place. My cousin isn't particular about where she lives."
"I won't change my mind, John. I would have brought your present with me, but I don't think you'd want to keep it here. It can also be your "welcome back home" present."
"Now I'm curious as to what it is."
"You'll just have to wait until you get home, because I'm not telling you what it is," Luka grinned.
"You can be so mean sometimes," John said, but he wasn't frowning. Instead he grinned up at Luka, hoping he knew that he was joking. "So, did you get much sleep after you got home?"
"A little. Hopefully enough. What about you? Are you in a lot of pain?"
John shook his head. "Not too much, but I have this great PCA machine to account for that. It's a wonderful invention. Doctor Weaver told me that my parents are on their way."
"Good. Did she say when they would get here?"
"No. They're in Thailand, and it's a long trip. But, if they left last night, then they'll make it here today. D'you know what?" John asked with a smile.
"No. What?" Luka reached out and took John's hand in his own, pleased that John didn't try to pull it out of his grasp.
"I missed you when I woke up. I've gotten used to having someone in bed with me."
"Me, too," Luka admitted. "You'll be home soon enough."
"Yeah." John's eyes took on a vacant look that Luka knew wasn't due to the narcotics in his system. "I guess I'm lucky."
"You are. John, I...I don't know what I would have done if you had died. I love you."
"And that's good, no?"
Luka smiled at their small in-joke. "That's good, yes."
"Luka? Do you think you could fit in this bed? If I lie on my right side, you might be able to get in here with me."
"I don't want to hurt your back."
"Can you try it anyway? If it hurts, then I'll let you know."
Luka looked down into John's pleading eyes and found himself unable to say no. Besides, it wasn't as if the idea didn't have any appeal for him. As he walked around to the other side of the bed, John rolled over to his right side. Luka didn't think he could handle being under the covers with John and feeling his bare skin through the gaps in the hospital gown, so he opted to lay down on top of the covers. But he first bunched them up a little bit so that they wouldn't pull against John's wounds. He slowly got on the bed, careful not to disturb John's IV line, and curled up behind John.
"Am I hurting you?"
"No." John shook his head. "Just be sure you don't move your arm any. It's perfect where it is."
Luka nuzzled the back of John's neck, breathing deeply. John usually smelled of the hospital and its antiseptic perfume. This smell was different. This was the smell of a patient, but Luka didn't mind it, considering the alternative.
"I can't stay long. I have to start my shift at noon," Luka said. When he got no response, Luka realized that John had fallen asleep. "You'll be sleeping a lot this week," Luka said, not caring that John couldn't hear him. "Just not where I want you to be sleeping."
He kept still and concentrated on the rise and fall of John's chest as he breathed. He could even feel John's heartbeat against his forearm. Never before had those two things been as comforting as they were now. His eyelids grew heavy and he figured that it wouldn't hurt to close his eyes for a few minutes. Then he would head downstairs. A last glance up at the clock on the wall told him that he had plenty of time before his shift began. He laid his head back on the pillow, content to be with John.
Luka felt someone gently shaking his shoulder and as he opened his eyes he heard a soft voice tell him to move carefully. It wasn't John's voice, even though it most definitely was John in bed beside him. Then he remembered he was on John's hospital bed and as he sat up, he saw that John was still asleep. He looked to see who had awakened him.
"Abby. What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong. You're late for your shift, Luka."
Luka looked at his watch and saw that it was almost one. "Damn," he muttered. He had been asleep for nearly two hours.
"Doctor Greene was asking if you were still coming in and Randi mentioned seeing you arrive before eleven. When she said that you had brought some things for Doctor Carter I volunteered to come up here to see if you were still with him."
"Thanks. It would have been embarrassing if Mark had caught me sleeping here. You don't think the nurses saw me, do you?" He asked as he put his shoes back on.
Abby shook her head. "I don't think so. No one said anything to me."
"Good." Luka got to his feet and walked around the bed. "What are you still doing here at the hospital? I thought you left hours ago."
"I ended up pulling a double shift. But, I'm off now."
"Good. You could use the rest. Although..." As Luka gazed down at John, his voice trailed off.
"Although what?"
"Would you mind staying with him? I don't want him to wake up alone. Also, I never did unpack the bag I brought him."
Abby smiled up at him, touched by the concern and love she saw in his eyes and face. It was a look that had never been in her husband's eyes and she envied John Carter. For Luka's sake, she hoped that John returned those feelings. "I'll stay."
Luka smiled back at her. "Thank you. I'll see you later."
"Have a good shift," Abby watched as he slowly left the room, then she began to unpack the overnight bag, hoping that she wouldn't find anything too risqué inside.
The sound of his lunch tray being brought into his room roused John out of a peaceful sleep. But, as he opened his eyes, he noticed that the firm warmth behind his back was gone.
"Hello," Abby greeted him as she got to her feet.
"Hi. Have you been here long?"
"Just a few minutes. Luka had to leave because he was late for his shift." She thought about how lucky Luka had been that she found him when she did. He had barely been out of John's room for five minutes when the lunch trays were brought around. Abby lifted the lid from the tray. "Looks like you'll be on liquids for a little while."
John made a face, but he managed to roll onto his back and then raise the head of the bed so he could at least see what they expected him to eat - or drink as the case may be. "Gelatin. What a surprise. I think that company would go out of business if not for hospitals, Bill Cosby commercials or not."
Abby laughed, "You might be right about that. You also have broth, hot tea and soda. But, you can't have the soda. I have never understood why the dietary department routinely puts soda cans on the trays of people who have had major abdominal surgery. They do it to the C-section patients all the time."
"I can't have soda?" John frowned as he watched Abby remove it from the tray.
"No, you can't have soda. Not yet anyway. And you won't be getting any solids until you pass gas."
John chuckled. "And how am I supposed to do that? Can you even pass gas with a colostomy?"
"You're the doctor, don't you know?"
"You're the medical student, ex OB nurse, don't you know?" he asked back.
"I have no idea. But, I can find out for you. Luka brought some things for you, and I put them away. Your comb, a pen and some crossword puzzle magazines are in the tray compartment. Your clothes are in the cupboard and your deodorant, razor, shaving cream and shampoo are by the sink. So is your toothpaste and toothbrush."
"Thanks. You didn't have to put the stuff away for me."
"Well, I didn't want anyone tripping over the bag until you were feeling good enough to do it. You haven't been up on your feet yet, have you?"
He shook his head. "Benton wants me walking this evening. Plus, the catheter's still in, so I don't think I could get very far."
"That will be out soon. Probably after lunch so they can get one more chance to measure your fluid outtake."
"I'll bet you were a great nurse, Abby."
"I was. But, I kept thinking that I wanted to be able to do more for my patients."
"There's nothing wrong with being a nurse. They do more for a patient than the doctors ever do."
"That's true enough. And most doctors don't appreciate that fact, either." Abby suddenly yawned, then apologized. "Your company isn't boring. I'm just beat."
"You haven't been home yet, have you?" he asked, his eyes worried.
"No. I was on my way to the lounge to get my coat this morning when Doctor Greene asked if I could do a double. So, I did."
"Then you should go home now while you can still function. I think I can handle this lunch on my own."
"Are you sure about that?"
He grinned. "I'm sure. Get on outta here. I'll be fine."
"I'll come by to see you later."
"Thanks, Abby."
"Bye." She left his room, leaving the door partly ajar. She would have liked to stay to talk some more, but she was exhausted and wanted to make sure that she did indeed make it home in one piece. On her way out, she did stop by the ER long enough to let Luka know that John had awakened and was eating when she left. That seemed to reassure him a bit and she was glad she had thought to stop and tell him.
It was after seven when the meeting with Romano, Kerry and Mark finally ended and Luka headed straight for John's room, determined to see him before he had to get back to work. Kerry could handle things down there on her own for a few minutes. As he headed down the hallway, he saw Peter Benton standing outside of John's closed door, talking with people that Luka only recognized from photographs. John's family. His parents and grandparents. Both sets of grandparents no less. He stopped then, not sure if he should intrude on the conversation, but since he knew it had to be about John, he wanted to know what Benton was telling them. He was still trying to decide what to do when the small group broke up. John's parents went into his room and his grandparents walked his way, headed for the elevators. Luka looked past them and met Benton's eyes, seeing that the man was waiting for him. After John's grandparents passed by, Luka walked up to Benton.
"What's happened? How's John?"
Benton regarded him coolly, wondering when Carter had ceased being Carter to Luka Kovac. "John's left leg can't support him. I've put in a call to neurology and ortho, so we'll know more after he's seen by them."
"What do you mean his leg can't support him? What happened during surgery to cause that?" If Benton or Anspaugh had messed up during surgery then there would be Hell to pay.
"His lumbar artery was nicked by the knife and it caused a hematoma to form on the lumbar plexus before we were even aware of the nick. His sensation was intact this morning, and was still good when I checked him over before letting him try to walk. We'll know more once neurology and ortho are done with him. It could be a simple case of his muscles being weakened because they were sliced through. Right now, I just don't know."
"I see." Luka understood most of what Benton had said, but not all of it. The first thing he planned to do once he got back down to the ER was to get on the computer to find out more. To see just what John might be facing.
"When did his family get here?" Luka decided to change the subject before he depressed himself over the latest change in John's condition.
"Right before Carter tried to walk. His Carter grandparents were here earlier; Anspaugh spoke with them right after the surgery. I don't know when his other grandparents arrived. This is the first time I've seen them, but I only got back to work about an hour ago."
"I see. Well, the important thing is that they're here now, right?"
"Yeah. I suppose you're right about that." But Peter couldn't forget the look of panic on Carter's face when his leg buckled under his weight and he was forced to hold onto him and to his father for support. It had seemed to Peter that once Carter was seated on the bed, Roland Carter didn't waste any time putting distance between himself and his son. Bastard was the first word that came to mind as he remembered the way panic and worry had been replaced by hurt and sadness in Carter's eyes.
"I have to get back to the ER. If you have a chance, will you tell John that I stopped by?"
Peter nodded. "Sure."
"Thanks."
After he watched Benton go into John's room, Luka reluctantly walked back to the elevators and to the job that awaited him downstairs. He hated the idea of leaving John alone in that room with his parents, but hopefully Benton would provide a sort of shield for John. There was no way that Roland Carter would say or do anything hateful to John in front of a stranger. At least that's what Luka hoped.
When Luka got back to work, it was quiet, so he took control of the computer, looking for everything he could on John's condition and possible complications. He was so engrossed in what he was doing that he didn't notice it when Kerry Weaver walked up beside him.
"Luka?"
He finally looked up when he heard her call his name loudly. "Yes? What is it?"
"I was asking if you were looking for anything in particular?"
"I'm trying to find information on possible complications from having a hematoma form on the lumbar plexus. And from being stabbed in the back several times."
Kerry's eyes searched his face, seeing the worry there. "Something's wrong with Carter?"
"When he tried to walk, his leg gave out on him. Benton has arranged for people from ortho and neurology to see him, but right now they don't know why he can't walk."
"It's only his left leg?" she asked, worry furrowing her brow.
"Yes."
Kerry reached out and placed her hand over Luka's. Even though Luka had a firm grip on the mouse, she could feel him shaking. "He'll be all right, Luka."
"I want to know how bad this can be." Luka knew he was doing a poor job of keeping the fear out of his voice.
"Here, let me look," she gently urged.
Luka stared at the screen, then looked down at her. She was just as worried about John as he, so he stepped aside and let her take control of the computer. As he watched her type, he found himself somewhat glad that she knew about him and John without him having to say anything. He wasn't sure how she knew, but he was glad that she did. And equally glad that she wasn't saying anything about it. She had simply realized it and accepted it. Case closed as the American police shows liked to say. He thought about the American TV shows he had watched as a child. Nothing bad really ever happened. The shows might make it look as if something bad had happened to a main character, but in the space of an hour, the crisis was resolved and by the next episode, the character was fully healed. He could remember a "Bonanza" episode where Little Joe had been blinded, but just as he was learning Braille, he could see again and the following week it wasn't even mentioned. What a shame that real life couldn't imitate television. If it did, then he would wake up tomorrow and John would be fine. He wouldn't even have any scars to remind him of the stabbing. No one would be thinking that they could have done more to keep John and Lucy safe. No one would be feeling guilt or sorrow. Things would be happy and perfect. Right now the only person having a happy and perfect time living in the world of make believe was Paul Sobriki and Luka hated him for that. It had been a long time since he had felt a strong hate, but he was feeling it now. And that bothered him.
"Here. Read this." Kerry's voice cut through his contemplation and he stepped back in front of the computer to read what she had found.
Kerry watched Luka as he read, thinking that she had an interesting situation in her department right now. She knew that she should let Romano know that Luka and Carter were involved. That Luka had stepped across the unwritten rules about treating someone you're related to or involved with. But, in the long view of things, nothing had happened because of it. Besides, with Carter having worked at County for six years now, it was nearly impossible to find a doctor or nurse in the ER or surgical departments who didn't know him. Carter had worked with everyone who had attended to him after the stabbing. Still, she wished Luka would have said something last night. As much as the idea of trying to treat Carter had torn her apart, it would have been easier for her to treat him rather than Luka. Then again, maybe being in there with Carter and knowing exactly what was happening had been reassuring to Luka. She hoped so, anyway. Another thing she hoped was that she, and the department as a whole, would never have to go through that again. Once was more than enough.