"Desperate Vigil, Conclusion"
By Cathy Roberts
Luka let himself into the hotel room, automatically securing the door before tossing his suitcase aside and flopping on the bed. His body bounced a bit and he smiled as he thought about the many uses for a good mattress, not many of which included sleeping. Then his smile faded as he remembered the events of the day.
It hadn't taken long to drive to the clinic. But, once there, the process of getting John signed in had been a long one. There had been the paperwork, a good portion of which had been filled in over the phone by Mark, but there were still a lot of blanks for John to answer. After that, John had been taken away for a physical. While John was busy with that, Luka and Peter were busy meeting with the chief psychiatrist, a woman by the name of Claire Whitman. Her questions had been thorough and insightful, and Luka had found himself the recipient of most of those questions, especially once she learned that he and John were partners.
Finally, Luka and Peter had been sent to the waiting area while Whitman spoke with John. That had taken a little over an hour. Then Luka was called back into the office where he, and John, were informed that he wouldn't be able to see John again for another week. They didn't want anything to interfere with the de-tox part of his stay. Whitman gave Luka a timetable for the family sessions, and then she left the room to give him and John a few minutes in which to say goodbye.
"There's no need for you to hang around Atlanta for a week," John said. He was looking at the floor, not wanting to see the disappointment in Luka's eyes.
Luka pulled him close and tipped John's chin up, looking intently into his eyes. "There's no other place I need or want to be, John. I failed you before because I wasn't around enough. That won't happen again. Together we'll get through this. A week won't be so bad and it will give me time to find out what Atlanta has to offer. That way, when you can leave the clinic for a few hours, I'll know where to take you."
John grinned as he wrapped his arms around Luka's waist. "I know the first place I want to see."
"Oh?" Luka grinned back. "And where would that be?"
"The World of Coca-Cola Museum." John deadpanned. Then he chuckled as he saw the look of disappointment in Luka's eyes. "Right after I see your hotel room."
Luka grinned again. "I would like very much to give you an in-depth tour of that place."
"Especially the bed?"
"Especially the bed." Luka said with a smile, then he grew serious as he leaned in for a long kiss. A few minutes later, Whitman returned to take John to his room.
"I love you," Luka said as he handed John the suitcase he had packed for him. It had already been searched, he noted with sadness. God, what kind of a place was he putting John into?
"I love you, too."
And then John was gone. Luka stood in the office alone for a minute then went to collect Peter. The drive back to the airport was a silent one, neither man wanting to talk. As Luka pulled to a stop in the unloading zone, Peter finally broke the silence.
"He'll make it through this, Luka. He's strong."
"I know." Luka nodded. In his head he knew that Peter was right. John was strong. A person didn't go through all the sorrow he had in his young life to not be strong. Luka was just having a difficult time convincing his heart that John was strong. It was his heart that kept telling him he needed to hold John and keep him safe. Take care of him. He knew that John didn't want or need that. At least not to the extent that Luka's heart wanted.
"Are you going to call Kerry?" Peter asked.
"Yes. Later. Do you know if they told John's grandmother?"
Peter shook his head. "I really don't know. I intend to have a long talk with Kerry and Mark about their arrangements. They could have been better. A lot better."
"Yeah. And they could have started by letting me know what they were doing." Luka blew out an exasperated breath. It still stung to know that they didn't trust him enough to warn him about the intervention, or to consult with him in getting John to see that he needed help. Then again, he had been living with John and hadn't seen any of this, so could he really blame them? He wished Peter a safe flight, then drove off to find a hotel room.
Lying there, Luka's thoughts returned to the idea that he had missed something important -- some clue that would have told him that John was in trouble. There had to have been some sign, some warning. But, he couldn't remember anything.
He sat up and turned on the light, then retrieved the schedule that Whitman had given him. There were sessions that he could attend this week, while John was being kept away from him. He reached for the phone and called the clinic, setting up times for himself. Then he braced himself for the phone call he knew needed to be made to Millicent. How was he going to explain to her that he had failed to keep John safe? That he had let John reach this low point?
Luka pulled out his wallet and found Millicent's phone number. Checking the charge on his cell phone battery, he decided to use that to call her. It had to be cheaper than paying the long distance charge the hotel would assess.
The phone was answered by the third ring. It was the butler and Luka identified himself, then asked to speak with Millicent. He hoped she was home and not out at a luncheon or other function.
And yet, when she came on the line, he felt a lump in his throat. How was he going to tell her why John was here in Atlanta? He took a deep breath and dove in, keeping to the facts as he knew them. When he was done, there was a stunned silence on the other end, and Luka was afraid that she was going to hang up on him. She didn't. Once she recovered from her shock, she peppered him with questions until she was satisfied that John was going to get the help he needed. Then she offered to watch the apartment for him, picking up his mail and making sure the bills were paid. He and John had already given her a key to the apartment, just in case an emergency ever arose and John's family needed to get inside. Luka thanked her and assured her that he would keep her informed about John's progress. If Millicent heard the tears in his voice as he told her that it would be a week before he would see John again, she didn't mention it. Not that she would. Millicent wasn't the type of person to point out to him that he was crying.
Luka hung up the receiver, then simply sat there on the bed. His hand strayed to the pocket of his shirt, touching the items that were in there. He removed them one by one and sat them on the nightstand. They all belonged to John. John wasn't allowed to wear any jewelry while he was at the clinic, and he had removed his watch, signet ring and the cross before he went for his physical, putting them into Luka's safekeeping. Luke briefly thought that he could put the cross on, but he had given it to John and if it wasn't around John's neck, then it didn't belong on anyone else's, not even his. Luka would just have to be patient until John could once more wear it.
"Damn." Luka looked at the number on his beeper, knowing he couldn't ignore it. Not after Kerry had gone to the trouble of finding him a temporary job while he was in Atlanta. He was used to working as a temp in emergency rooms, so it wasn't anything new to him, but getting an emergency page while he was trying to get John into bed was not something that he liked. He had gone without seeing John at all during that difficult first week of John's rehab. But, then it had taken another week before Whitman would allow John to leave the clinic. Even though John was making excellent progress, she didn't want to risk any setbacks. So, Luka had picked John up at noon, almost giddy at the thought of having nearly six hours in which to spend alone with him. They were just getting going when that damn pager had gone off. Damn.
"I have to go to the hospital. I'll drop you off at the clinic on my way."
"Why? It shouldn't take long and I don't have to be back to the clinic until six, right?"
"Yeah," Luka nodded. He began to button his shirt. "You don't mind staying here alone?" Luka wasn't sure that he should leave John alone. But, what could happen to him in a hotel room?
"I don't mind. I'll just watch t.v. If it looks like you're going to be gone long, then you can call me and I'll call the clinic to have someone come get me."
"You're sure?" Luka tenderly caressed John's cheek.
John nodded. "I'm sure." He kissed Luka's hand, then playfully pushed him toward the door. "And I know that the sooner you get to the hospital, the sooner you'll be back. So, go already."
"I won't be long." Luka hurried out and to the hospital, hoping that it was just an emergency they needed an extra hand for and not him being called in to work another shift.
Three hours later, Luka let himself back into the hotel room. The television was off, but John was in bed asleep. Luka saw that they had two hours before John needed to be back to the clinic. And two hours was more than enough time, he thought. With a grin, he slowly pulled back the covers, his penis hardening as he saw that John was naked under the sheet. Stretching out along side John, Luka licked the skin below John's navel as his free hand began to caress his penis, and soon the softness of that organ had changed to a satin hardness. A hardness that Luka devoured like a man who had gone too long without his favorite food. Without food period, he thought with a mental grin. He heard a moan start low in John's throat and he redoubled his efforts, knowing exactly when John awoke because he felt his hands come to rest on his shoulders.
"Luka..." John murmured. Was he having a dream? It would certainly be a change to be having an erotic dream as opposed to his normal nightmares. God, yes, this was so much better. A dream that he certainly didn't want to wake up from.
Just like his nightmares, this dream felt all too real. He could so easily believe that it was truly Luka's warm and inventive mouth on him. Sucking and teasing -- toying with him in ways that only Luka knew were sure to drive him wild. He spread his legs and the dream lover settled between them, his clothes rough against John's skin. But, the oral assault continued until John was sure he would explode. His dream lover even used condoms, which struck John as odd, but he was too wrapped up in the dream to object as the latex was quickly rolled down his sensitive penis and then that mouth returned, mercilessly attacking him until he screamed as he came. Panting, John opened his eyes, dimly aware that Luka really was laying there between his legs, grinning from ear to ear.
"You liked that, no?"
"I liked that, yes. I'm very glad you woke me up," John couldn't keep from grinning back.
"So am I. I almost didn't. I know you haven't been getting enough sleep, and you did look so peaceful. But, I just couldn't let this opportunity go to waste."
"No, you couldn't. That would have been the wrong thing to do." John let his head drop back to the pillow and he closed his eyes, still savoring his climax as he listened to Luka move about the room. When he felt Luka return to the bed, he opened his eyes and smiled wickedly as he saw that Luka was now undressed.
"So, was it bad?"
"Multi-vehicle accident." Luka didn't want to think about the two people who didn't survive. He didn't particularly want to think about the ones who did. He just wanted to think about pleasing John. "Not much different than the ones we get in Chicago."
John nodded. "The more things change, the more they remain the same. Here we are, in a hotel room in Atlanta, Georgia, and you're handling the same things as what you handle back home. It's another one of those old sayings that actually is true."
"Is it?" Luka propped himself up on one elbow and let his free hand draw invisible patterns over John's skin, noting that it was still flushed from his orgasm.
"It is. We have a lot of them here in America. 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched.' 'A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.' "A stitch in time saves nine.' I could go on."
"Please don't. I get the idea. We have similar sayings in Croatia. I think they are a worldwide phenomenon."
"Really? I guess Walt Disney had it right after all," John said as he reached out to stroke Luka's prominent erection.
"Oh? How so?"
"He said that it's a small world after all. Haven't you heard that song?" John began to sing, acutely aware that he couldn't carry a tune. "It's a world of laughter, a world of tears, It's a world of hopes and a world of fears. There's so much that we share that it's time we're aware, It's a small world after all. It's a small world after all," John's hand began to slide up and down Luka's penis and he was trying to keep from laughing as he finished the song, "It's a small world after all. It's a small world after all. It's a small, small world."
Luka glared at John, trying his best to sound upset and not laugh. "Are you trying to imply that there's something about me that you find to be small?"
John shook his head. "Never. Although, now that I think about it, I really don't know of a another cock to compare it to." John had to force himself to say the last part because he knew that sometimes Luka liked to hear the "improper" words, and John had made a promise to himself to try to do and say more things that turned Luka on.
"Forget I mentioned it," Luka growled. Then he grinned. "Thankfully, I've missed hearing that song, and I hope I never have to hear it again."
"Oh, you've never really heard it until you've taken the ride." John's hand movements were gaining momentum and Luka began to wonder just what kind of ride John was talking about.
"They made that song into a ride?"
John nodded as he scooted down and pushed Luka onto his back, his mouth and tongue doing to Luka's body what Luka's hand had been doing to his. "They did. Maybe someday I'll take you to Disney World."
"You must really be angry with me if you're threatening that," Luka joked.
"I think I could get over being angry if you would continue to take care of business."
"And just what is this 'business' I should be taking care of?"
"Me," John replied as his mouth landed on the tip of Luka's penis. He slowly worked his way down the shaft his mouth formed into a tight O as he moved.
Luka groaned, then said, "I think it's time to take care of you. Just tell me what you want, John, and I'll do it. Anything to make you happy."
John raised his head. "I want you in me. Long and slow, Luka."
Luka grinned. "I can handle that."
"I thought you could." John stretched across Luka's body to retrieve a condom and the lubricant from the top of the nightstand, ever aware of Luka's hands on his body, caressing and teasing. He quickly put the condom on Luka, then lay back where he was, holding the lubricant out to Luka.
Luka shook his head. "I want you to prepare yourself for me."
"What?" John wasn't sure he had heard Luka correctly, but he was blushing all the same. Lord, it had been a long time since Luka had said or did anything that made him blush.
"You heard me," Luka's voice was thick with desire, but John thought he saw amusement in his eyes. "I want you to prepare yourself for me."
"This is your revenge for me singing that song, isn't it?"
Luka slowly smiled as he shook his head. "No. I just want to watch you get ready for me."
"I don't think I..."
"Of course you can. It's easy."
Luka took the lube from John and squeezed out a fair amount into his hand. Then he tossed the tube aside and grabbed John's right hand, transferring the lubricant from his palm to John's fingers. Then he took John's hand and moved it down past John's groin and to the area behind his testicles. John shuddered as he felt the coolness of the gel on his hot skin, his fingers helpless under Luka's control as they moved in an ever-shrinking circle, until they were there at the entrance to his body. John was so caught up in the sensation that he didn't notice it when Luka quit directing his movements and had simply sat back on his haunches to watch him.
"Your cock, John. Rub the lube over your cock. Make it slick for me," Luka huskily directed. His eyes were darting from John's hand to John's face, unsure which sight was the most erotic -- the look of desire that John wore or watching John pleasure himself this way. Finally, Luka couldn't stand it any longer and he grabbed John's wrist.
"That's enough...for now." Luka gently raised John's thighs, then slowly moved into him. He had imagined that John would be tight after all this time, and he was, a fact that nearly sent Luka over the edge before he could even get in all the way. He accomplished that though, but he had to move very slowly and carefully, stopping often to take deep breaths and will himself to not come. As he immersed himself in a slow rhythm, his hand found purchase on John's penis, and he pumped him in time with his thrusts. They came together, their voices mingled in desperate cries of pleasure.
"Guess I still have time for a quick shower before going back," John commented as Luka withdrew. He was trying his best to not smile or let Luka knew he was fooling with him.
"After a climax like that, you just want to leave me?" Luka pretended to sound hurt.
"Never," John whispered as he pulled Luka down for a kiss. "I never want to leave you."
"Good. Because I don't ever want to let you go." Luka placed his hands to either side of John's face and gazed down at him, feeling honored that he had John.
"What?" John asked as he began to feel uneasy under Luka's intense scrutiny.
"JA volja drati te siguran," Luka said the words in Croatian, knowing that John would most likely resent them in English. I will keep you safe, his heart said. Not something a grown man wanted to hear, but a feeling that Luka couldn't shake. He had learned a lot about himself and John in the family therapy sessions, and he knew that John was also discovering unknown things about himself in his sessions with Whitman. Things that would change both of them for the better.
John smiled, then pulled Luka's head down for another kiss. "I don't know what you just said, but thank you."
"For what?"
John shrugged about as well as a person could who was flat on their back. "For being here. For loving me. For not asking me to change."
"Then I should thank you for the same things."
"This morning Whitman said that at the rate I'm progressing, I'll be out of here in two weeks. We can go home then, Luka."
"I don't want you rushing things, John. That's part of what got you here in the first place. Pushing yourself too hard."
"I know. I won't be doing that." John saw the doubt in Luka's eyes and added, "As much."
Luka laughed. "I guess I can't ask more than that. So, how about that shower?"
"I thought you'd forgotten about that."
"Not a chance. Do you know how long it's been since I had the opportunity to wash your body?"
"Too long, Luka. Way too long." John said as Luka helped him up from the bed.
"And, I know that I want this." Luka firmly stroked John's soft penis, thrilled to feel it harden under his touch.
"Then what are we waiting for? Let's get in there." John grabbed a few condoms from the nightstand and led Luka into the bathroom.
John paused by the tub, then reached out and took Luka's erection in his hand, gently pumping it. Luka's whimper was like an electric shock to his own penis and he kept hold of Luka with the one hand while he leaned over to turn on the water for the shower. Once a good temperature had been reached, John stepped into the tub, pulling Luka in with him and embracing him, grinding their erections together.
"Hmm. Nice," Luka sighed. "But, I thought the idea was to take a shower, not waste water."
"It is." John let go of Luka long enough to close the shower curtain and to cut on the shower. The couple was immediately warmed by the pulsating stream of heat and they melded into each other, their arms and legs entangled as they kissed with an intensity neither had felt before. John didn't know if was due to their enforced abstinence or if it was because he now knew just how much Luka meant to him, and he to Luka. All he knew is that he couldn't get enough of him. He was working on marking Luka's shoulder with his mouth when Luka pulled away.
"Stand still." Luka ordered.
John kept his hands off of Luka long enough to see that Luka was serious about wanting to wash him. He could stay still for that, John decided. He couldn't hold back his sighs of bliss as Luka rubbed the soapy wash cloth over his body. It never ceased to amaze John that Luka could take something as ordinary as washing a body and turn it into something so erotic. And when Luka rubbed that cloth over his aching penis, John moaned, his hips arching toward Luka.
"Are you ready for me, John?" Luka asked as he rinsed out the wash cloth.
"Hell, yes."
"Soon then." Luka turned John's body around slowly under the warm spray, not letting go of his arms until he was sure that John was completely rinsed. Then he reached out to the tub's rim to open a condom. He slowly rolled it down John's erection, then, with a wink, turned around and braced his hands against the wall, his legs open and inviting. "Take me. Uzeti mene zatim."
And John did. He pushed the head of his penis into that tight passage, gasping as Luka's muscles clamped down on him. It felt as if it had been ten forevers since he had last loved Luka like this. He pushed in a little further, then drew back a bit, teasing his lover. But, Luka's moans and pleas for him to go faster and deeper overrode John's desire to play with Luka. With a deep moan of his own, he plunged deeply into Luka, relishing the feel of Luka's skin against the front of his own hips. He reached around and found that Luka was aroused. As soon as his hand was around Luka's penis, Luka's own hand trapped it there, holding him in place.
"Be one with me, Luka," John whispered into his ear. Luka nodded and John took that as his cue to continue. He began to thrust slowly, knowing that it would drive Luka crazy. Luka always liked to receive it fast and hard, hardly ever slow and easy. Not like John, who liked it either way, depending on his mood. And, as he had earlier been in the mood to get it slow and easy, he was now in the mood to give it that way. In the mood to hear Luka begging for him to go faster. In the mood to hear Luka's whimpers as he thrust his body back onto John's penis, trying his best to take control. But, John wouldn't let him take over. He continued his slow assault until he finally came with a strangled cry. Spent, he leaned his body against Luka's, listening to the quick beat of Luka's heart and realizing that Luka had not come yet.
John quickly withdrew and removed the condom while Luka turned back around.
"How do you want it?" John huskily asked as he reached again for Luka's penis.
"Anyway you want to give it to me," Luka's reply was equally husky and he wasn't disappointed when John slowly sank to his knees in front of him, a fresh condom in his hand. Luka ran his hands through John's wet hair, then pulled him closer, not content until he felt John's lips wrapping around his hardness. While it was true he had missed the physical aspect of their lovemaking these past two weeks, it was the actual closeness he had missed most. Having someone there with him who knew what to do to please him. Someone who was receptive to his efforts to please in return. Luka threw his head back and cried out as he felt John's tongue dip between his foreskin and the head of his penis, using that to massage the sensitive tip. Then John drew the foreskin back and began to devour him. There was no other word for what John was doing to him but that one. The sensations coming from John's mouth and his own cock were overwhelming and Luka never noticed when John paused long enough to roll the condom onto Luka's cock. Luka grabbed John by the shoulders and he held on for dear life as John brought him to his climax. Afterward, Luka helped John to his feet and they kissed deeply, both tongues fighting for admittance until one of them ceded ground. Then they were out of the shower and standing in the middle of the room, too close to the bed to resist the urge to fall back into it. But the clock kept them from doing all they wanted. Luka wanted to be able to take John on more "outings" from the clinic, and he didn't think that bringing John back late on their first "date" was the right way to show Whitman that he could be trusted. Luka was quite proud of the fact that he brought John back to the clinic with ten minutes to spare.
For John, the next two weeks crawled by. He had not been that deep into the throes of addiction, so a long de-tox wasn't necessary. But due to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, he did spend a lot of time talking to Doctor Whitman, and not just about the stabbing either. He also had to attend Narcotics Anonymous meetings, even though Whitman assured him that he was not an addict in the conventional sense of the word. The fact remained that physicians enrolled in their program had to attend. And had to work with others who were addicted. John liked working with people as it brought him back to why he wanted to practice medicine in the first place -- the desire to help people.
The time he spent with Luka was special, mainly because it was limited. He still had yet to go sightseeing in Atlanta, but he knew every inch of that bed in the hotel. It was one thing he would miss about Atlanta, John thought as he finished packing.
"Ready?" Luka asked from the doorway.
John nodded. "Yeah. I'm done here. Let's go home."
Luka smiled. "Sounds good to me."
They stopped by Whitman's office for the final paperwork, then drove to the airport. Two hours later they were on the plane to Chicago.
"Oh, I forgot I had this for you." Luka handed a key chain to John. "So you can make people think that you did see something while you were in Atlanta."
John laughed as he looked at the Coca-Cola key chain, one with a polar bear on it, enjoying an icy bottle of the beverage. "Thanks, but I saw everything I wanted to see."
Luka grinned. "So did I. But I'm glad we're going home." Luka reached out and caressed John's cheek, his heart doing a little flip when John leaned into his touch.
"Me, too. It's going to be strange though, going back to work."
"I know. But there are a lot of people who will be there for you, John."
John nodded. "Yeah. I owe apologies to a lot of people."
"They'll understand. They already understand."
"I hope so." John smiled again. "Anyway, the point is to look forward and not back. Doctor Whitman said I need to stay away from the "what ifs" of my life. We've all made mistakes."
"That's true. I know I've made my share."
"Do you have my things? My watch and all?" John really wanted the cross back, but he didn't want to sound too eager to get it. One benefit from going to the NA meetings had been a new awareness of God and love. He was even more thankful for Luka's love and that love was symbolized by the cross he had given him.
"I do." Luka handed over the watch and ring. Once John had them back on, Luka pulled out the cross. "I want to put this on you."
John leaned over and Luka put the chain around his neck. The metal of the chain and the cross were still warm from being in Luka's pocket, but in John's mind, it wasn't difficult to imagine that they had been warmed by Luka's love.
John was about to sit up straight when Luka captured his face in his hands and kissed him deeply.
"I love you." Luka simply said.
"JA ljubav te." John replied, and then he kissed Luka back. There had been a few times over the past months when John knew he wouldn't make it without Luka there for him. He felt blessed that Luka had been around. He felt blessed that Luka was still around.
As they drew apart, Luka reached out with his right hand to capture John's left hand, entwining their fingers. He knew that the worst was behind them. John had been to Hell and back, but he was still with him. There had been times when Luka had been afraid that he would lose John the way he lost Marija, but he hadn't. He thanked God for that every day. He thanked God for giving him another chance at love. It was a chance he didn't intend to mess up, not ever. What made that vow more meaningful was that Luka knew John felt the same way. They would face things together from now on. It wouldn't be easy. Even now Luka could feel a few irate stares from some of the other passengers. No, living with and loving John would not be easy. There would always be people who would disapprove of their being together. But being with John made enduring all their bias worth it. What they had was special, and Luka would never let it go. Never.
The End.
JA volja drati te siguran
I will keep you safe.
Uzeti mene zatim
Take me now.
JA ljubav te
I love you.
The song "It's A Small World" is
copyrighted 1963 by Wonderland Music Company, Inc.