Kerry wearily wiped the tears from her eyes as the private detective told her over the telephone that he had not yet found her birth mother. Another dead end, he said. This was the second investigator that she had hired and she wasn't any closer to finding the woman than she had been when she first began her search. He went on to tell her that he thought the search was fruitless and that if she wanted, he would continue to work for her, but his advice was for her to give up. It would save her grief and money. She found herself agreeing with him and he told her he would send her a final bill tomorrow.
Afterwards, Kerry went to the living room, stuck a CD in the player, turned it up full blast and sat on her couch and cried her eyes out. The music was so loud that she didn't know Carter was home until he sat down on the couch beside her and gathered her into his arms. No questions, just his warm embrace promising his support and comfort. She wrapped her arms around his strong body and cried into his shoulder until she had no more tears left.
At some point during her crying fit, John had managed to shove tissues into her hand and she used them now to dry her eyes and blow her nose. She felt him kiss the top of her head and she leaned into him, grateful for his presence.
"Feel like talking about it?" he asked, not sounding as if he
would push her if she said no.
"I'm giving up the search for my birth mother."
"Oh."
"No lecture on how I should keep looking?"
"No. It's your choice, Kerry. You're the only one who knows
just how much heartache you can withstand. If you're comfortable
with the idea of giving up, then so be it."
"But, I'm not comfortable with the idea. I'm just tired of
getting my hopes up only to have them dashed time after time
after time. I know that she's out there somewhere, I just can't
seem to find anyone who can locate her."
"So, are you saying that if you could find someone who would
guarantee you results, that you would hire him or her?"
She pushed off of his chest and looked up at him. He had a serious expression on his face and she suddenly remembered that when she had first told him that she was adopted he had tried to give her advice on how to hire a private detective to locate her birth mother. She hadn't listened to him then. That might have been a mistake on her part, but one she wouldn't make again.
"You know someone like that, don't you?"
He nodded. "I can give you the name and phone number of an excellent investigator. He's expensive though, but well worth every penny."
"Okay. It can't hurt for me to give him a call, right?"
"Right. If he doesn't think he can help you, he won't take you on as a client."
She nodded, then leaned back against him. He pulled her even closer and she rested her head against his chest, content to sit there and listen to his heart beating.
"Your family hired him?"
"I did."
"Oh."
She could feel his heart rate increase then and she knew that it had been over something important.
"Would you tell me why?"
"It's a long story with a sad ending. Are you sure you want to hear it?"
She nodded, then softly smiled as his heart rate returned to normal. It was obvious that this was important to him and even more important that she wanted to hear it.
"When I was a junior at Penn I fell in love with a wonderful woman. She was tall and willowy, with long brown hair and bright blue eyes. She was also attending the business school at Penn and we had a lot of classes together. She was a Philly girl, but it wasn't until right before our senior year started that she finally took me to meet her parents. It was the dinner from Hell, Kerry. They were worse than my family, if such a thing is possible. Nothing that Jill did was right. Her clothes were too expensive, her hair cut wrong, her makeup didn't look right. She had insulted them by moving out of the house and getting an apartment with a friend. They hated me on sight. I was from out of town, I wasn't religious enough, and I was too rich. They had all kinds of excuses. When we left that house, she asked me if I ever wanted to go back there again. She was relieved when I told her no."
"It sounds like she might have had a rough time of it growing up in a home like that."
"That's what I thought. Not too long after that visit, things started to change between us. I had been accepted to the medical school at Penn, and we were planning to get an apartment together. After that visit to her parents though, she didn't want to do that anymore. If I took her out to eat at a nice place, she accused me of flaunting my wealth. If we went to a cheap place, I was being miserly with my money. My gifts were either too extravagant or not good enough. Then one day she told me that I was too rich for her tastes and she knew she could never fit into my life and lifestyle. So, she broke us up. I would still see her in class, but her attendance began to falter until she just didn't show up anymore. I had a friend in the Dean's office and she told me that Jill had quit school altogether. It didn't make any sense to me. She had loved all her classes and was looking forward to making her mark in the world. I tried to call her, but her roommate told me that she had moved out and was now back with her parents. I couldn't understand that, either. When I tried to call her there, her father wouldn't let me talk to her. I went to try to see her and he threatened to get a restraining order against me if I didn't leave Jill alone. So, I left her alone."
Kerry could feel his chest expand and fall as he took a deep breath, then he continued. "That May, not long before graduation, I saw in the newspaper that she had died. I knew better than to call her parents, so I called her old roommate instead. She told me that Jill had been pregnant and the baby came early. They both died. There was no funeral, only a graveside service. I went, making sure I stayed out of sight of her parents. I had no idea that she was pregnant, Kerry, or I would have tried harder to get her back into my life."
She heard him sniffle and realized he was crying. "I'm sorry, John."
"Thanks, but it's ancient history, right? I couldn't bear the thought of staying in Philadelphia after that. By graduation day I had informed the medical school here that I would attend after all and informed Penn that I wouldn't be there in the fall. The day after I graduated, I shipped my stuff back to Chicago and caught the first plane to Australia where I signed on to help man a yacht for a short leg of a long race. I wanted to get as far away from my life as I could, and I thought that being out on the ocean would help me forget all that had happened and keep me from dwelling on what might have been."
"I can understand why you would feel that way. But, I don't see where a private investigator fits into the picture."
"The baby didn't die, Kerry. Our baby lived. Her parents just didn't think that I had any business knowing about it, and they didn't want to raise Jill's bastard child, so they put the baby up for adoption. But, I didn't find out any of that until the summer break after my second year of medical school. I was talking with Gamma, and somehow or another she finally managed to get me to open up about what had happened with Jill. She had known I was wild about the woman, but when I told her things were over between us, she never pried. She was pretty upset when I told her that Jill had been pregnant and had never told me. She was devastated that the baby had died. She wanted to know the details, so on my behalf she obtained the baby's records from the hospital. At first they wouldn't send the records, but she finally convinced them that since I was the baby's father I had a right to see the birth records. We were both stunned to find out that the baby had not died. Gamma was on the phone immediately to Jill's parents and she raked them over the coals but good. They were rude to her and rubbed it in that they had gotten rid of my child. They told her they could see I was trouble the minute they met me, and when their precious little girl ended up pregnant and deserted by me, they knew they had been right not to like me. Gamma hung up on them. I told her that I wanted to find my child. We argued for a bit about that. She wanted to tell the whole family and assured me that the family wouldn't spare any expense in finding the baby. I wanted to find the child on my own and then tell the family about him or her once I found my kid. I finally won the argument, but she gave me the name of a private investigator. By the end of summer, he had found my child."
"Boy or girl?" she gently asked.
He sniffled. "A boy. A very healthy boy. He was still a little on the small side because he was a preemie, but he was healthy. Mr. Mann gave me the names of the people who adopted my son and their address. They lived in Philadelphia, well, a suburb actually. I flew out there, rented a car and drove to their house. I wanted my son, Kerry." He made a strange noise that was half cough and half a laugh. "It was like a scene from one of those "movie of the week" heartbreakers. I parked across the street and just stared at the house for the longest time. It was well kept, with great curb appeal. Nice lawn. Fenced in back yard. A very pretty neighborhood. There were a lot of children outside playing. I saw a woman coming toward me on the sidewalk; she was pulling a little red wagon that held a cute little boy. He had my hair and Jill's eyes and I knew right away that he was my son. The woman carefully crossed the street and pulled the wagon up to the front porch of their house. Then they sat on the porch swing. I got out and went up there. As I got close to them, I could hear him laughing. His voice sounded so sweet and he was so happy, Kerry. And that's when I realized that I had nothing to offer that child. I was about to begin my third year of medical school, I lived at home. My son would end up being cared for by a nurse or a nanny. He would end up being buried under the Carter name. Sent away to boarding school and forgotten about unless it happened to be a holiday or the summer time. I couldn't give him a wonderful home in a nice neighborhood. I couldn't give him a mother who loved him more than life itself. I ended up asking her if Homer Smith lived there and she told me no, all the while keeping a tight hold on her son. I quickly left and I've never gone back. I gave Mr. Mann my entire medical history and that of my family and asked him to get it to my son's parents. I wrote them a letter, telling them that I would never try to contact him or them again. I wanted to assure them that I wasn't going to try to take him away from them. But, I did want him to know that he had a father who would have loved him very much if he had only known about him. I left it up to them to tell him about me when he got old enough and said that I wouldn't mind if he ever looked me up. I also set up a trust fund for him. Luckily, I had put quite a bit of money into it before my own trust fund was taken away. Although I think Gamma puts money into it from time to time. When my son turns twenty-five, he'll have a lot of money in there. He won't want for anything material, I could give him that much. His parents are giving him security and love, so he should grow up all right. Gamma is the only one in my family who knows about him. I made her promise to keep my secret from the others. Grandfather would never sit back and let a potential Carter heir get away from him. Gamma thinks that since I didn't give my consent for him to be adopted that I would have a good chance gaining custody of him, but I don't want to put him or his family through a court battle, Kerry. Does that makes me an uncaring person?"
"No," she quickly assured him. "It doesn't. I think you love your son a lot. You want him to be happy and you don't want to upset his life. With the Carter money behind you, his adoptive parents would not have stood a chance in court and you know it. But, at what price, John?"
"Exactly. Anyway, Mr. Mann found my son and if possible, he'll find your birth mother. I think you should call him."
"I will. Thank you for sharing your secret with me."
He gave her a tight squeeze. "Thank you for sharing your secret with me. How about we go out tonight? I could go for a hot dog or something junky like that down at the Navy Pier."
"That sounds good to me. Let me wash my face and put on makeup, then I'll look presentable enough to go out." She sat up and he grabbed her hand. She glanced back to look at him, not missing the desire in his eyes.
"You look wonderful to me, Kerry. You always do." He pulled her onto his lap and began to nibble her neck.
"Um, John, if you don't stop doing that then we won't, um, make it out of the house anytime soon."
"And your point is?" he asked, then he began to suck on her ear lobe.
"My point is, um, that maybe we should go upstairs?"
He wrapped his arms around her, then stood. She hooked her ankles behind his back and linked her arms around his neck, nuzzling his skin while he carried her upstairs.
After depositing Kerry on the bed, he began to undress her, taking his time because he knew that doing so would make her impatient. Sure enough, before he could even reach the waistband of her pants, she was pushing his hands away.
"Let me. I can do this faster."
Grinning, he stood so he could watch her undress for him. He knew that he would never grow tired of seeing her naked. Hell, he would never grow tired of seeing her, period.
As Kerry tossed her last article of clothing to the floor, she noticed that John was having an enjoyable time eyeing her. He put one knee on the bed as he intended to join her on the bed once again. She put her hand against his stomach and stopped him, the smile on her face wicked.
"Not so fast, lover boy. Not until I get my show."
"Your show?" his eyes twinkled with amusement.
She nodded. "My show. You got your free show, now it's my turn. Take it off, John. Take it all off." She reclined on the bed, propping herself up on her elbows. It was pose that accentuated her breasts while diminishing her waistline -- a definite boost to her morale.
He stepped back from the bed, then began to undress. Slowly. He knew that she liked being teased that way and the rapt look on her face let him know that this time was no exception. Finally, he was naked and his clothes had joined hers on the floor.
"Satisfied?" he asked, still smiling.
"Not quite yet," she replied, her tongue flicking out to quickly wet her lips. The act sent a shock through him and his penis jerked slightly in response to her blatant invitation.
"Well, do you have any idea what it will take for you to reach that point?"
She grinned. "I most certainly do. Come over here and let me whisper it in your ear."
Later, they were too keyed up to sleep and instead they lay in each other's arms to talk. Something the two of them enjoyed very much.
"I still can't believe that Doug hasn't come back to see Carol. The woman is carrying his children. The least he could do is visit her long enough to discuss the future."
John couldn't disagree with what Kerry was saying, but he did think that it wasn't fair for all the blame to be laid at Doug's feet.
"From what I heard, she asked him to stay away. I don't think you can blame him for honoring her wishes."
Kerry squirmed around until she could look up into John's eyes. Her gaze steely. "If a woman was going to have your baby and told you to stay away, would you do it just because she asked you to stay away? A woman that you happened to have been engaged to and supposedly loved with all of your heart?"
"No. I wouldn't stay away."
"Case closed." Kerry snuggled back against him, resting her head on his shoulder. But, it's about what I would have expected from the old Doug Ross."
"You've never liked him. Is there a reason for that?"
Kerry slowly nodded. "There is. It's personal and embarrassing. Let's just say that I've known him for a long time and leave it
at that."
"I heard that the two of you were residents at Mount Sinai at the same time. What happened?" John found it difficult to think of any situation that would make Kerry feel embarrassed. In his eyes, she was unflappable.
She shook her head. "I told you it was embarrassing and I don't want to talk about it. Besides, he did change over the years and things worked out for the best anyway."
That comment made him even more determined to find out what had happened. "That sounds as if you dated him. Was he your boyfriend? Maybe even your lover?"
He asked the last question in a lighthearted manner, but inside he felt anything but lighthearted. The thought of Kerry in the arms of another man brought out the jealous side of his nature. It was painful to think of her kissing someone else or being kissed by someone. Moaning under someone like Doug Ross. He gave himself a mental shake before those thoughts went any further. Still, Kerry couldn't miss the way his arms tightened around her body as he pulled her closer.
"No," she quickly assured him, "Nothing like that." She decided that for his peace of mind, she should tell him what happened. And for hers as well, because she knew that he wouldn't drop the subject. He was too stubborn.
"I heard about Doug not long after I began my residency in the E.R. at Mount Sinai. All the women raved about him and how handsome he was. At the same time, these friends were telling him about me and somehow or another they convinced us to go out on a date. I spoke with Doug several times on the telephone as we set things up. He was witty, charming and personable and I looked forward to having dinner with him. We were to meet in the bar of a local restaurant and take things from there. I arrived on time and when I went in the bar I could only see one guy who was my age. I approached him and asked if he was Doug Ross. He nodded, so I introduced myself. He looked me up and down, spending a lot of time on the downward look, then he walked out. That was it."
"God, that must have hurt you so much. I'm sorry."
"I wasn't hurt," she quickly said. "I was angry and embarrassed." The truth was that she had been hurt very badly by the way Doug had behaved. But, she would never admit that to anyone. Not even to John.
"I don't think he's like that anymore."
Kerry shook her head. "Me, either. Still, every time I looked at him I would remember that night. We never said anything about it. I don't know what he told his friends, but I told my colleagues that I had changed my mind and wasn't interested in dating a doctor."
"It might have been better all around if you would have spoken to him about it. Venting your anger might not have been the easiest thing to do, but it would have cleared the air. God knows it worked for me."
"Oh? How so?"
"He slept with my girlfriend, then had the nerve to tell me that I had no right to be angry with her about it. Harper was a medical student at the time and we had only gone out once or twice, so we weren't committed to each other. I practically ran him over on the basketball court."
"And that made you feel better?"
John grinned. "Yeah, it did."
Kerry laughed. "I'll just bet that it did."
"All right. Just to make you feel better about telling me an embarrassing story, I'll share one with you."
"I don't know if it will be quite the same, John. Did Doug walk out on you?" she jokingly asked.
"No. He tried to seduce me."
That got her attention. She propped herself up on one elbow and looked at him, half expecting him to be laughing. While John was smiling, he most certainly wasn't laughing.
"You're serious, aren't you?"
He nodded. "Yep."
"And you rejected him?"
"Of course I did!" John peered at her face in the dim light, his indignation heightening. Could she possibly be serious in asking that question?
Her peal of laughter reassured him, and she poked him playfully. "I'm glad, then, that I don't have to worry if you happen to be standing next to Malik on New Year's Eve. So, what happened? When did this happen?"
"Do you remember how self-destructing he was that one year? When he brought in that Nadine Wilkes woman?"
Kerry nodded. She had been sure that Doug's career would end that year. But, he had gotten his life back on track after that incident. She had not made it easy for him. Neither had Mark. But, Doug had managed to pull himself together.
"Well, about a week before that incident, I ran into him at a bar. He was drinking pretty heavily. Before I could order anything, he ordered a beer for me. I thought that maybe he just wanted someone to talk to. It was late and the bar was almost deserted, so I stayed to talk. Next thing I know, he's leaning over, telling me that if I come back to his place with him, he would show me a really good time. At first I thought he was talking about a wild night with some of the women he knew, but then he put his hand on my thigh and I knew then exactly what he meant. I told him no way, then got the Hell out of there. The next day, while he was sober, I told him how angry I was that he had acted that way. He just listened to me, then apologized and told me it would never happen again. End of story."
"Well, not coming back to be here for Carol and his babies is not something that can be fixed by an apology."
"Maybe things will work out for them."
"I hope so. I just hate the idea of Carol having to go through this alone." Kerry let him pull her back to his side.
"Carol's not alone, Kerry. She has all of us to be there for her."
"It's not the same, John, and you know it. It makes me think about my birth mother, you know? Was she all alone when she was pregnant with me? Did my father desert her?"
"I think we all have thoughts like that, even if we aren't adopted. There have been times when I've wondered if my parents were happy to have me. Was Mom happy to be pregnant? Did Dad want another kid then? Things like that."
"The difference is that you can ask your parents. I can't."
"Well, tomorrow you can call that investigator and hopefully you will be able to find out your answers."
"I'm almost scared to even think about that. What if she's dead?"
His fingers caressed her cheek. "Worry about that when and if you find out that she is. Don't borrow trouble, Kerry."
"I'm trying not to do that. But, it's not easy. I have so many questions, John. And I'm so scared that I won't find my answers, but I'm also scared that I will."
"Well, no matter what the answers are, I'll be here with you, Kerry. You can believe in that."
She smiled. "I know." But once again, while her heart soared at hearing his promise of love, her mind was telling her that this was wrong. That she had no right to tie him down. She had to find a way to let him go. A way that wouldn't hurt him. Her thoughts were sidetracked once again as he began to nuzzle her neck with his lips.
"I was thinking that since neither one of us is sleepy that maybe we could do something else."
"I thought you were going to take me out to feed me," she said, grinning.
"Oh, there's plenty of time left in this night for us to eat food. But, there's never enough time for this." He gently turned her to face him and kissed her deeply. As always, he wondered how it had been possible for him to exist and not know the passion that Kerry was bringing out in him. He knew he had messed up plenty in his past relationships, but he was determined to not screw things up with Kerry. This was it, he thought. The real thing. The person he wanted to have a commitment with. And he would not lose this or her.
He rolled over onto to his back, pulling Kerry with him, knowing how much she enjoyed being on top. With a grin, he thought that she wasn't the only one who enjoyed it.