Jimmy stood and stretched, then pulled back the curtains to take a look outside. He frowned as he saw a cloudy sky. Rain on the day of Lou's funeral would not be good. Not that he would have preferred a sunny day either. Hell, if Jimmy was going to waste time wishing, he might as well be wishing that Lou were alive and he was here to visit her and the baby. He blinked back tears at that thought, feeling guilty because he knew he wouldn't have come even to see the baby. He hadn't bothered to come visit at any other time.
"Jimmy? You're up early." Kid's voice was raspy from the crying he did the night before.
"I just woke up. That chair ain't the most comfortable bed. Still, I've slept on worse."
"You slept in here?" Kid frowned as he sat up. "You could have slept in the bed, Jimmy. I wouldn't have attacked you."
"I know. I just thought you needed your privacy, that's all." The truth was that Jimmy didn't trust himself not to reach out in the night and pull Kid close.
"Do you smell coffee?" Kid asked as he looked around for his clothes.
"Yeah. It's either Rachel or Amanda."
"Amanda's here?"
"She got here last night. Rachel brought her out and then decided to stay out here, too. Cody sent a wire with his condolences."
Kid nodded. "I know he'd be here if he could."
"That's true. Here." Jimmy handed a clean shirt to Kid, who slowly put it on.
"You know, I have no idea what arrangements were made for the funeral. It's today, right?"
"Yeah. Buck and I took care of digging their grave. Buck said that Lou and the baby would be buried together."
"Mary. Her name is...was, Mary. Mary Louise." Kid's voice trembled as he thought about his wife and daughter.
"It's a beautiful name, Kid."
Kid nodded. "She was a beautiful baby, even if she did come early. You could see already that she was gonna have blue eyes."
"And you would have spoiled her, just like you spoiled her mother."
Kid sat down on the edge of the bed and covered his face with his hands, his body shaking from the sobs he couldn't hold back.
Jimmy sat down beside Kid and gathered him in his arms. Once again Jimmy could feel his own tears falling and he didn't make any effort to stop crying. They both still needed to cry. Needed to get all the grieving out of their systems.
There had been a large turnout for Lou's funeral service. It had been held at the grave since the ranch was out from the town, but no one seemed to mind the lack of chairs. There was a lot of crying, but Jimmy noted that none of it came from Kid. That didn't mean that Kid wasn't feeling any more grief, he was just too busy holding on tightly to Teresa's hand and offering her what comfort he could. Afterward everyone gathered in and around the house. The women from town had brought out an abundance of food and there were only a few people who weren't eating. Someone had fixed a plate for Kid, but it had been set aside and promptly forgotten. Jimmy had seen it though and made a mental note to make sure Kid ate later.
It was hours before the created "family" found themselves alone and the rain that had held off all day finally began to fall. The house felt a lot less crowded, but Jimmy still felt as if he were being suffocated. He headed out to the front porch for breath of fresh air and was surprised to see Kid sitting out there.
"I didn't see you leave," Jimmy said as he sat down in the swing beside Kid.
"I didn't go back in after the Henderson's left."
"Did you ever get anything to eat?"
Kid nodded. "Someone fixed me a plate."
Jimmy smiled wryly. He had known that would be Kid's answer. "I guess I asked that wrong. Did you ever eat?"
Kid shook his head. "Ain't hungry."
"You need to eat something."
"I need for Lou to be alive," Kid replied, his eyes seeking out the fresh grave through the growing darkness.
"I know. We all need that," Jimmy softly replied.
The door opened and Teresa stepped outside. "There you are," she said to Kid. She climbed up into his lap and he hugged her close.
"What's up buttercup?" he asked her.
Teresa looked as if she had something on her mind, but she merely shrugged. She laid her head against Kid's shoulder and closed her eyes.
"So, how long are you going to be staying?" Kid asked Jimmy.
"I don't know. Since I'm a civilian I don't have to get back to the army at any certain time. I can stay for as long as you need me," Jimmy replied.
Teresa sat up without warning, tears in her eyes as she looked at Kid.
"What?" he asked, his eyes worried.
"Are you going to go away, too?" she asked, her voice shaky with unshed tears.
"No, honey. I'm not going to leave you. Why would you think that I would go away?" Kid hugged her tight.
"Last night at supper they was saying that you might go to Virginia to fight in the war. I don't want you to die, too, Kid. We're all we got now." Teresa was now sobbing.
Jimmy looked down at his feet. He remembered that conversation and how the adults had forgotten that Teresa was hearing all of that. The poor child must have been frantic all night thinking that she was going to be left behind once again. First her brother ran out on her, then Lou died. The idea of losing the only relative she had left must have been very frightening for her.
"Shh. Don't cry. I'm not going anywhere. This is our home, buttercup. Mine, yours and Buck's. I ain't going nowhere. I promise."
Teresa sniffled. "Cross your heart?"
Kid drew an invisible x over his heart. "Cross my heart."
"And Buck isn't going anywhere either?"
"Not that I know about. You're stuck with us, buttercup. Think you can handle it?"
Teresa wiped her eyes on her sleeve then nodded. "I can take care of the two of you real good. You won't have to worry, Kid."
Kid managed a smile for his sister-in-law. "I wasn't worrying none, Teresa. I always knew I could count on you."
Jimmy hid a grin as he listened to the conversation. Kid always knew the right things to say to children. It had been his own wife that he had always gotten tongue-tied with. Jimmy had lost count of the number of times Kid had found himself in the middle of a conversation with Lou that just wasn't going the way he had planned. Hell, it was difficult to think straight around Lou, Jimmy mused.
"You should get on inside before Emma worries about you." Kid helped Teresa get to her feet.
Teresa threw her arms around Kid's neck, hugging him hard. "I love you, Kid."
"I love you, too, Teresa. Now, scoot."
The two men watched Teresa go back inside.
"I'm sorry about that," Jimmy said. "We were talking about what you might do and we didn't think about the fact that she was there. We would never do anything to make her worry."
"I know. I wish...never mind. It's not important. What's important is that I wasn't lying to her. I'm not going anywhere, no matter how much I wish I could. I promised Lou a long time ago that I would take care of Teresa and I love the girl like she's my own sister. I just wish that Jeremiah had stayed around."
"It was his loss, Kid."
Kid nodded. "Yeah, it was. So, where are you sleeping tonight?"
"Rachel and Amanda have commandeered the bunk house, where they'll watch over Emma and Sam's boys. Emma and Sam are staying in Buck's bedroom and Buck is sleeping on his sofa. That leaves your sofa for me."
"It's probably better than the chair," Kid said.
"It can't be worse, that's for sure. Why were you asking?"
"I just didn't know what kind of arrangements had been made. Usually when we had a lot of company, Lou would make sure that everyone had a place to stay. Why are Emma and Sam staying? They live in Sweetwater."
"They didn't want to ride home in the rain."
Kid nodded. "And when does Amanda leave?"
"In a day or two. Why? Tired of the company so soon?"
Kid shook his head. "No. Just trying to figure out how long it will be until I'm alone."
"As you pointed out to Teresa, you aren't alone here, Kid. Buck is here and so is Teresa. Rachel, Emma and Sam live in Sweetwater. I'm not in a rush to leave."
"But you will leave eventually. You won't stay, will you?"
Jimmy shook his head. "No. I won't stay here. I can't."
"Why? You always used to say that you couldn't stay because of Lou."
"I can't stay because of you." Jimmy looked away, not wanting to see the look on Kid's face as he heard that admission.
"Because of me? I don't understand."
Jimmy looked back at him, seeing that Kid did indeed look confused. "I love you. If I can't be with you, then I don't want to be here. It's too difficult for me, Kid."
Kid shook his head. "I love you, too, Jimmy. So stay."
"I can't. I don't think we're talking 'bout the same kind of love. I love you the same way a man loves a woman. You love me the way a brother loves his brother."
"I never wanted to do this with my brother," Kid said moments before his lips met Jimmy's in a passionate kiss.
Jimmy put his arms around Kid as he intensified their kiss. He had wanted this for so long, but it just wasn't right. Lou was barely buried and Jimmy knew that Kid was merely reacting to the pain of his loss, seeking out comfort. There was also the fact that Jimmy felt guilty that he finally had a chance to be with Kid the way we wanted, but that chance had only come about because Lou was dead. Such a bittersweet victory, he thought.
With great reluctance Jimmy broke off the kiss, holding Kid at arm's length. "I can't."
Kid's sad eyes searched his face and Jimmy forced himself to look Kid straight on. "Kid, this isn't right."
"You never said that when we danced before, Jimmy."
"That was before." Jimmy got to his feet and headed off the porch.
"Where are you going?" Kid called out to him.
"I need to think and I can't do that when I'm around you. I'll be in Sweetwater if anyone needs me."
Kid jumped the steps and caught up to Jimmy, grabbing him by the arm to stop him. "I need you."
Jimmy pulled free, but he wouldn't look at Kid. "It can't happen again, Kid. No matter how much you or I want it to happen, it just can't."
Jimmy headed for the barn again and this time Kid didn't try to stop him. As Jimmy rode off into the twilight he could feel Kid's eyes upon his back and he felt guilty over the fact that Kid was still standing out in the rain. But, Jimmy knew he had to get away before he changed his mind about being with Kid. Jimmy was sure that someone would make Kid go into the house and take care of him. Buck most likely, or Emma and Rachel. There were plenty of people there who cared about him. Kid didn't need to be wasting his energy or love on someone like him, Jimmy thought. He was better off grieving over his wife and then getting on with his life. Find a woman to love and get married again. Be happy. One of them should get the chance to be happy again and Jimmy knew it wouldn't be him, so it might as well be Kid.
It was nearly six hours later when Jimmy rode back from town. He had gotten his fill at the saloon and had even managed to get one of the saloon girls upstairs. Not that it did him any good. Every time he tried to have sex with her he ended up seeing Kid's blue eyes and remembering the way Kid's body felt under his own. Jimmy finally gave up, using the excuse that he had drunk too much to do anything. After that he decided to head back to the ranch.
There were a few lights still on. One in the bunkhouse turned down low. Probably there for the children to have some light if they needed to get up in the night. One light burning bright in Buck's front room. A light in the upstairs window of Kid's house. Kid and Lou's room. Kid's room now. A dim light shining through the front window of Kid's house.
Jimmy was unsaddling his horse when he suddenly felt that someone was behind him. He swung around, guns drawn, but it was only Kid. It was obvious that Kid had not been in bed, he was still dressed and his hair and clothes were damp.
"Sorry," Jimmy mumbled. He re-holstered his guns, then returned to taking care of his horse.
"I was getting worried about you." Kid said.
"You should know that I can find my way back from town. I made the trip often enough when we were express riders."
"Not so often drunk though."
Jimmy laughed. "No. Not so often drunk." He shook out the blanket, then spread it over a railing to air out.
"Teresa's staying in the bunkhouse." Kid said. "You and me will be the only people in the house tonight."
"I was thinking of bedding down in here," Jimmy replied.
"So this is it, then?" Kid's voice was thick with emotion. "I lose Lou and that means I lose you, too? I can't handle that, Jimmy. Please don't leave me alone."
"You aren't alone, Kid. You have..."
"Dammitt, Jimmy, I don't love them the way I love you! I need you tonight and you're turning me away. Why? What is so different now?"
"Lou's dead, Kid. That's what's so different now."
"Lou would want us to be a comfort to each other, Jimmy. She knew how things were between us."
"Did she, Kid? Did she really understand that I would have gladly run off with you to a place, any place where we could always be with each other? Did you ever tell her that? Did you ever feel that way about me?" Jimmy saw the surprised look on Kid's face and he shook his head. "I didn't think so. I've always wanted you, Kid. Nothing has changed that. But over time I began to have feelings for Lou as well, and her being dead hasn't changed that either. I can't take you in her bed. I won't do that to her memory."
There was a long silence as they looked at each other. Finally, Kid took a steadying breath. "Jimmy, the last memories I have of that bed, aside from sleeping in it last night, are of Lou dying in it. Do you think I want to go to bed each night with that in my mind? Give me something else, something special, to replace that memory, Jimmy. Please?"
Jimmy blinked back tears, but he still shook his head. He turned around to get his bedroll.
"You can sleep on the sofa, Jimmy. I won't bother you. I promise. You've made it plain that you don't want to be with me, so I'll leave you be." Kid walked away.
Jimmy leaned forward, resting his head against a post. This was too complicated. Way too complicated. He wanted Kid so much, but his conscience was getting in the way. And he didn't know why. Kid was right, Lou had known about them. And Jimmy could see Kid's point about wanting a new memory to replace the horrible one he had of Lou's death. Jimmy wanted so much to go into the house and crush Kid to his chest. Kiss away his tears and then use his mouth and hands to arouse him. Jimmy wanted to feel Kid's mouth on his skin and smell the unique scent of him as they cuddled together after becoming one. He wanted all of that so much that he was hard just thinking about it. Was he wrong to deny himself and Kid this release that they both needed?
"If you don't go inside to him, I will."
Jimmy jumped at the sound of Buck's voice, knocking his head into the post.
"Dammitt, Buck. You know better than to sneak up on a person." Jimmy said as he rubbed his forehead.
"I know that you're being a fool, Jimmy."
Jimmy frowned at Buck's words. "Were you listening in on us?"
Buck nodded. "I heard you ride in and I knew that Kid had been waiting out on his porch for you to get back. I wanted to see what you were going to do."
"I'm going to get some sleep, that's what I'm going to do." Jimmy threw his bedroll to the ground.
"Out here?"
"Yeah. As if it's any of your concern where I sleep," Jimmy replied.
"Good. Then you won't hear it when Kid calls out my name as he comes, will you?"
Buck started to turn away but was brought up short when Jimmy grabbed him by his shirt and shoved him back against the wall.
"Stay away from him, Buck. He doesn't need this right now."
"That's where you're wrong, Jimmy. He does need this right now. He needs to be with someone he loves and cares about. He needs to be with someone who loves him. While it's true that I only meet one of those requirements, I think he won't mind. And I know I sure as Hell won't mind it either. If you won't go to him and give him the love and comfort he needs and deserves, then I will. It's that simple."
Jimmy let go of Buck and walked back to his bedroll, muttering under his breath. How dare Buck think about Kid like that? It was true that Buck had known about him and Kid messing around years ago, but Buck had always kept their secret. He certainly had never said anything about feeling the same way about Kid. So why bring it up now?
Jealousy surged through Jimmy's veins as he thought about Buck loving Kid. He couldn't allow that to happen. He would convince Buck to stay away.
Jimmy turned to say something to the Kiowa brave, but Buck was gone. Jimmy rushed out of the barn and saw that Buck was almost to Kid's house. Jimmy ran, but he didn't catch up to him until Buck had reached the porch.
"Buck, no."
Buck looked at Jimmy, his dark eyes unreadable even though the clouds had parted a the light from the moon was illuminating everything. "Are you going inside, Jimmy?"
Jimmy looked at the door and he squeezed his eyes shut. He wanted this. He really did. So why was he making it so difficult?
"It's not wrong, Jimmy," Buck softly said. "He loves you and needs you now. Go and be with him. You already told him earlier that you can't stay here with him, so give him this much."
Jimmy silently brushed past Buck and opened the door, quickly stepping into the house before he changed his mind again. He extinguished the lamp in the front room, then carefully made his way up the steps. He hesitated briefly outside of the door to Kid's room, then he opened it and walked in.
Kid was seated in the chair, but he got to his feet when he saw that Jimmy was there.
"Jimmy?"
"Can I change my mind?" Jimmy asked, uncertain as to Kid's mood. It would be just like Kid to tell him to get out of his house now. Jimmy prayed that he wouldn't do that. "Can I sleep with you tonight?"
