"There To Catch Him If He Falls, Conclusion"
by Melissa and Cathy (glroberts@bigfoot.com
Subject is easily overcome by emotion
Before I knew it, it was June 4th. I had enjoyed spending the week with Carter. Since I had found the handcuffs, sex had been a lot more adventuresome. Carter was very playful and he admitted that he had held back when with me because he wasn't sure how I would take some of his suggestions. I took them about as well, if not better, than the way he took mine.
Determined to make sure that his 29th Birthday would be the first of many good ones, I went all out. Aside from the not so surprise party I had planned, I had made a lot of other arrangements. I started things off by staying with him the night before, so that we would wake up together. That seemed to be important to him and I had finished my paper. Got it back from Doctor Daraad already, too. I just hadn't had the courage yet to see what grade I had earned.
We showered together, then went upstairs for breakfast. Doctor Weaver had made muffins and they were still hot. She pushed the plate of them across the counter to Carter, each one held a candle.
"Happy Birthday, John," she said, her eyes dancing.
He looked from the muffins to Doctor Weaver, then back at the muffins and then at me. I shrugged, "Can't blame me for this. I had nothing to do with it."
He looked back at Kerry, a huge grin on his face. "Thanks."
"Make a wish," she suggested.
He tightly closed his eyes, then leaned forward and blew out the candles.
"Got them all, that's a good sign that your wish will come, true." Kerry said as she handed a brightly wrapped package to him.
"It is?"
"Of course it is. Don't you know anything about Birthday wishes?" she jokingly asked.
I could see that sadness creep into his eyes and knew that he didn't. "He's a guy, what do they know?" I asked, trying to keep her from noticing that his mood had changed. She laughed and agreed with me.
"Go on and open it. We have to be to work by seven," she urged.
Carter carefully peeled away each piece of tape, trying his best to keep from ripping the paper. I would have ripped it off with one pull, but I knew he wanted to savor the experience of opening a present, so I didn't grab it from his hands and open it for him. Doctor Weaver watched him, an amused expression on her face as he finally got to the box and saw his present. I tried to keep from making a face as I saw that it was a collection of Jazz CD's. No one I had ever heard of, but he seemed to recognize the names. He gave her a hug and a kiss, then practically shoved them under my nose. He was so excited about them that it almost broke my heart. Under my breath, I promised him that the day would get even better.
When we got to work, Randi was sitting behind the desk, already chewing gum. Lord, but there were times I wished I was her dentist. A huge bouquet of Birthday Balloons were beside the computer. Carter ignored them as he logged on. Until Randi got his attention.
"These are for you," she handed them to him and he looked at them, his mouth slightly open with surprise.
"For me?"
"That's what the card says," she replied, gum popping. Then she handed him a card. "This ones from me. Happy Birthday." She had to stand on her tiptoes, but she managed to get a kiss planted on his lips. He blushed furiously, his eyes darting to me. I simple grinned back. How could I be jealous of Randi kissing him? I had called the day before to remind people about his Birthday, asking them all to at least give him a card. I hadn't asked Randi to kiss him, but I knew he was mine and that she didn't stand a chance with him.
He was surrounded by the female nurses, all of whom had to give him a kiss and or a hug for his Birthday, each one with a card that had to be read immediately. When they were finally done with him, he managed to get everything into the lounge and he sat down on the couch to read his cards over again. The balloons were placed in the center of the table. I paused just inside the door, noticing that his hands were shaking as he carefully read over each card. He looked up at me, his eyes watery. "I don't know what to say."
"If I were you, I'd stick with a simple "thanks", they'll all be happy with that." I sat down beside him and reached out for his hand. He clasped mine and squeezed it gently.
"I don't think I'll ever forget this day, Lucy. And there's still the party to look forward to later."
"Well, if we don't get to work, we'll never get out of here in time for the party, come on."
He changed into his lab coat, placing the cards on the shelf of his locker. He stared at them there for a few moments, then shut the door and followed me out to the admit desk.
After work, we went over to Doc Magoo's for his party. Except for those on duty, everyone from the emergency room was there. And then some. Even Anspaugh put in an appearance. He seemed to genuinely like Carter, and while he didn't have a present for him, he did have a card. Carter was going to have enough Birthday Cards to wallpaper his room by the time the night was through. Even Romano gave him a card. Boggled the mind. Carter made sure that cake was sent back to the E.R. for those who had to work, which was a good idea on his part, because the cake disappeared fast. So did the beer.
On the way home, he held on tightly to his balloons with one hand and used his other arm to hold me next to his chest. There weren't a lot of people on the El, but those who were there seemed friendly -- they all wished him a Happy Birthday and by the time we got to his room, he was still smiling from all of that.
He put his stuff on the dresser, then pulled me into his arms. "Thank you, Lucy. I can't tell you what today has meant to me. I know that you sent the balloons, even if there wasn't a name on the card."
"Everyone deserves to have a Happy Birthday," I replied. Lord, but it felt so good to see the happiness in his eyes at that moment. Happiness and a little something more.
"Want to take a bath with me?" he asked with a slow smile.
"Sure. Why don't you get started and I'll be right in."
He bent his head down and gave me a kiss that rocked me to the core. Then he disappeared into the bathroom. I had been waiting for a chance to take a look at my paper and this seemed like as good a time as any. Seeing the "A" that I knew I had earned would be like icing on the cake, so to speak. I opened the envelope and pulled out the paper. Frowning, I read over what Doctor Daraad had written. Not an "A". Disgusted, I slipped the paper back into the envelope. And in good time, too. Carter opened the bathroom door. He wore nothing but a smile as he asked me if I was going to join him. I couldn't let my bad news spoil his day. No way. Dropping the envelope into my backpack, I headed into the bathroom.
After a long and relaxing bath -- I didn't know that Carter liked playing with bath toys -- we found our way to his bed. I pushed him down onto his back, insisting on drying him off. When he tried to help me, I batted his hands away. "Consider it part of your birthday present," I told him. He finally got the idea and kept still while I made sure that every inch of his body was dry. Then I proceeded to make sure that every inch of his body was clean.
I knew then that I could never get enough of tasting Carter -- he moaned softly as I tickled him with my tongue.
I decided it was his turn again in the handcuffs. No gag -- I liked to hear the noises he made -- but a blindfold would be just right. He didn't protest as I moved him into position, but gasped when I started using the paintbrushes on him. I'd found them in that magic box under his bed, but I suspected they hadn't yet been put to the use I intended.
I took a small, dry brush, and moved it in feather-light strokes. First his ears, which made him struggle to get away, moving his head from side to side. Then, across his lips. His mouth twitched because of the tickling, so I took the brush away and replaced it with my mouth. I nipped at his lips gently with my teeth, then teased him with my tongue.
I moved slowly down his body, first with the brush, then with my lips and tongue. After torturing him awhile, I took him in my mouth, and was rewarded by an audible moan, and the feel of him writhing beneath me. I stopped for a moment, and asked, "Struggling to get away, are we?"
"God, no," he whispered, and I went back to toying with him.
Later -- much later, I rested my head against his chest, content to just listen to the beating of his heart and feeling the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed. I wanted so much for him to be mine -- and not just for a short time, but for forever.
A cynical side of me questioned whether or not I was ready for a long term commitment such as that. The romantic side of me said that I wanted to have this man's children -- not any time soon mind you, but I did want to cherish the feeling of carrying Carter's baby inside of me. Of creating a new life with him.
He took a deep breath and I could feel his fingers playing with my hair. He wasn't asleep, just quiet.
"Happy Birthday," I whispered once more, thinking he needed to hear it a lot. He needed to know that it was meant.
"Thank you. Thank you for all of it, Lucy. You don't know how much today has meant to me."
I shifted my body until I could look up at him. He was smiling and for once there was no shadow of sadness in his eyes. "You're welcome."
"Lucy?"
"Yeah?"
He bit on his lower lip and his fingers stilled in my hair. "I...I love you, Lucy."
His voice had been soft, but I had no trouble hearing him. He loved me. And I loved him.
I smiled. "Well, that's a good thing, because I happen to love you, too."
"I could tell. If you didn't care, then you wouldn't have done what you did for me."
"I'm just glad that you had a good birthday." I kissed his chest, then laid my head back down on it. "I plan to make sure that all of your birthdays are good ones."
"Oh, are you now?" he asked with a laugh. "You plan to hang around that long?"
"I most certainly do. Now, I think we both need some sleep."
"Getting bossy, aren't you?"
"I've always been bossy, Carter."
"You know, I think I noticed that a time or two. And forward. Very forward."
"Someone had to be. Lord knows you aren't." This time it was me who was laughing as I spoke. But, it was true. Then I squealed as his hands let me know that he intended to be very forward with me.
Who needed sleep?
********************
Subject's feelings are easily damaged beyond repair
I was standing at the admit desk, waiting to talk to Weaver about the possibility of switching to a Trauma Sub-I when Carter appeared out of nowhere. I looked up and our eyes met. His were not filled with their usual amusement. They were full of hurt and pain. He handed me a large envelope which I immediately recognized. It was the envelope that contained my psych paper. The paper about him. When I didn't take it from him, he dropped it onto the desk, then turned and left without a word.
Screw Weaver, I thought as I grabbed the envelope and took off after him. He had to be going to the roof. It was the one place where a person could actually get enough quiet in which to think. Sure enough, he was there.
"Carter," I began, but he cut me off.
"I don't want to talk to you right now, Lucy."
His voice was shaky and for a moment I thought he was close to crying. But, Carter didn't cry unless he was really upset. He certainly couldn't be that upset about my paper. My paper. He had no business reading my paper.
"You went into my things." I accused him. It wasn't the first time. He hadn't hesitated to read my palm top, so why should an envelope secured with a flimsy clasp deter him now?
"You left it in my room. I wasn't sure if it was something you needed so I took a look to see what it was."
"It's a thesis paper. I was assigned to do it during my psych rotation, but Doctor Daraad gave me until the end of the school year to get it completed."
"And did Doctor Daraad assign me as your subject?"
"No. That was my choice."
"I see." He leaned against the railing and looked out over the city. I went to stand beside him.
"Your name is never mentioned, Carter."
He shook his head. "That doesn't matter, Lucy. I told you things...personal things about my life and my family. I never expected to see them become a part of a medical student's thesis."
He turned to face me then, his eyes still full of hurt and pain -- and tears. "I trusted you. I -- I told you that I loved -- I believed you when you said you cared about me. All I meant to you was an interesting subject for your paper and nothing more."
"That's not true. I do love you."
He turned away from me again, closing his eyes tightly. "I can't believe you anymore, Lucy," his voice cracked at the end and he began to cry. I tried to put my arms around him to comfort him, but he stepped out of my grasp.
"Just go. Leave me alone and go."
I nodded. It was clear that he needed some time alone. I knew that later I would be able to explain things to him. He would be calm then and able to look at things objectively.
"I'll see you later then."
"No. I don't want to see you anymore. Oh, I know that with you getting a Psych Sub-I that I'll be seeing you here at work, but that's all it will be. Nothing else. I just pray that I never have to call you down for a consult. I don't think I could stand it if I had to work with you again."
Tears sprang to my eyes as his words sank in. He was serious. I didn't know what to say. Imagine that, Lucy Knight at a loss for words.
"If you won't leave then I will," he pushed away from the railing and shoved past me, never looking back.
I watched him leave with a sinking feeling that I had totally and completely lost the best thing that had ever happened to me. I looked down at the envelope in my hand, cursing myself for letting my competitive pride get in the way of what was right. I opened it and looked down at the first page. A "C+" adorned the cover page with a long paragraph from Doctor Daraad outlining the flaws in my conclusions. In his opinion, while the subject certainly would benefit from counseling, he or she did not have Borderline Personality Disorder. My research was faulty, my conclusions weak. Yesterday I had been angry at the grade and his words. I had never gotten a "C" in my life. Re-reading those words now, I didn't feel anger. At first I was sad, knowing that Carter had read them. Knowing that he knew what I had thought about him. The sadness gave way to emptiness as I realized that nothing mattered if Carter wasn't in my life. I had wanted to do an excellent paper and thought I had chosen an interesting and challenging subject. Well, I had struck out all the way around, I thought as I ripped the paper into pieces, then tossed it over the railing. My grade had not been excellent and the interesting subject had just walked out of my life. There was no way now that Carter would believe me when I told him I cared. He would always suspect my motives whenever I asked him a question and I couldn't blame him. I knew who was to blame and if I had a mirror handy, I would be able to see that person close up.
With a heavy conscience, I headed back downstairs. Maybe with a little bit of time and perseverance on my part, I could at least get him to be pleasant toward me while at work. Summer break was coming up and that would give him some time to let his wounds heal. Praying that I had not destroyed the last of his trust, I returned to work, but already it appeared that his demeanor from last summer had returned to the emergency room as well. Carter would be Hell to work with and it was all my fault. Feeling an odd connection with Anna Del Amico, I found myself hoping that the nurses didn't turn on me the way they had turned on her. I had nowhere else to go. Neither did Carter.
As I grabbed a chart from the admit desk, I saw Carter standing on the other side of the lobby. Our eyes met and for a quick instant I could see the hurt and pain in his. Then he turned and walked away. I wonder if Doctor Daraad will let me do another paper for submission in place of that one? One on overachievers and how their actions can cause such emotional damage to the unwary? With first hand experience, I was sure to get that "A" I had so blindingly worked toward.