By Scott J. Welles and Cathy Roberts
Kerry felt the stirring of desire as she realized she was locked in a room with two of the most attractive men she'd ever known, both naked, and a very cute woman to boot. Although she'd suggested to Abby that they give the men a hard time about it, she could feel her resolve crumbling, imagining the kind of "hard time" the men could give them...
She felt Abby's hand on her shoulder. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" she murmured, too softly to be heard by the men, and there was an undercurrent of lust in her voice.
Kerry opened her mouth to reply...
...and heard the doorknob turn behind her.
Abby and Kerry whirled to face the door, while John and Luka hurriedly grabbed for the blanket to cover themselves. The women stood as close to the door as possible, hoping to block the view of whoever was opening it.
The face of Frank, the desk clerk, appeared in the door and blinked in surprise at the first face he saw. "Dr. Weaver?"
"Frank!" Kerry exclaimed, wishing she were taller and wider, in order to screen the men from the clerk's sight. "What the hell are you doing here?"
"We've been hearing some weird sounds coming from the ventilation system, some kind of moaning or someth -- is that Dr. Kovac?"
Kerry looked back and saw that John and Luka were covered up to their chins by the blanket. They must have their clothes bundled under the blanket as well, because she couldn't see them. Trying to bluff it out, she replied, "Yes, and Dr. Carter. They've been locked down here for hours with no heat. That was them yelling for help you heard. Nurse Lockhart and I just found them ourselves, and then we got locked in, too! What the hell took you so long?"
"Sorry, it took me a while to figure out where the noise was coming from. Are they all right? Should I get some help?"
"No, no, we've got everything under control now," Abby broke in hurriedly. "Thanks anyway."
"Okay, I'll get back to work, then." Frank turned as if to leave, then turned back with a puzzled expression. "Are you sure they were yelling for help? 'Cause I heard a lot of cries for help on the job, and they didn't usually sound like that."
"The sound was probably distorted by the vents," Kerry told him.
"Happens all the time."
Frank nodded, but still looked puzzled. "If I didn't know better, I'd have thought it sounded like they were..."
"Get outta here, will you?!" Kerry yelled, losing patience.
"Okay, okay, I'm going," he said, raising his hands in surrender. "Sheesh..."
Kerry sighed with relief when he was gone. The logical part of her mind was glad they weren't locked in after all, but the passionate part was pissed off. Just when things were about to get sexy again, the interruption by the middle-aged ex-cop was like a cold shower for all of them.
The men were breaking into nervous giggles when she looked at them, and she thought she heard Abby repressing a snicker as well. "Distorted by the vents?!" John repeated, his face bright with hilarity.
"What are you laughing about?" she snapped, bringing their laughter to an abrupt halt. "Do you two know how close you just came to looking really foolish? I haven't seen such unprofessional behavior since Doug Ross left County!" She had to pause for a moment at the equation that brought to mind. Doug Ross plus John Carter plus Luka Kovac equals...ohhh, Kerry, don't go there now.
The men were dressing self-consciously, with matching hangdog looks on their faces. Kerry might have felt sorry for them if she wasn't enjoying it so much.
"The instant I found out, I dragged Abby here to release you," she lied, "but I think the two of you owe her an apology!" She hoped they wouldn't ask her to specify what for.
Both men mumbled shamefaced apologies to Abby as they finished dressing and started to exit the storeroom.
"Yes, well, we'll talk later, John," Abby replied tightly, arms crossed. To Luka, she added, "And you...we'll talk when we get home."
John patted Luka on the shoulder and muttered, "Good luck."
Luka nodded at him gratefully before Abby led him away. Behind the men's backs, Abby threw a wink at Kerry, and Kerry knew that Abby was going to have a great deal of fun making Luka squirm before letting him, ah, make her squirm in a different way.
"Hold on, Carter," Kerry said, taking his arm before he could walk away as well. "You and I have some issues to deal with. Drop by my office after your shift tomorrow."
He nodded, managing to look even more like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. She'd seen that look on his face before, and it always managed to make her melt her a little, wishing she could allow herself to take him in her arms and make it all better. But now she found herself deriving a perverse pleasure from inspiring that same look.
**************************
As Luka and Abby walked to his car, Luka tried to apologize to Abby, but she wouldn't let him. Putting her hand out in a 'stop' motion, Abby looked him straight in the eyes. "Not one word, Luka. Not one single word."
Abby spoke sternly, and she had to look away from the hurt that appeared in Luka's eyes at her sharp retort. Truth was, Abby was afraid that if they started talking about what had happened between him and John in the store room, then she would end up admitting to Luka how turned on she had been by the sight of them together. Even before she had become John's AA sponsor, Abby had entertained the occasional fantasy starring John. They had increased a bit once they became closer, but she had always put his emotional health ahead of her wants and desires. John didn't need to get tangled up in a relationship with her or anyone else. So, Abby had been content to settle for friendship and sweet dreams of John. Every now and then she would feel guilty over dreaming about John while lying next to Luka in bed, but those feelings quickly passed. She was with Luka and loved him. They were happy together. Content. Satisfied. And yet tonight each one of them had sought something out in another person of the same sex. She didn't know yet what had happened between Luka and John, but she knew what had been behind her evening with Kerry.
Partly, it had been a backhanded revenge against Luka, for being so possessive of her in front of John. Abby liked her men to be loyal to her, of course, until she gave them permission not to be. But the way he'd behaved so accusatory to John was an uncomfortable reminder of the way Richard was always jealous when he thought she'd been too friendly with someone. Like he wasn't fucking one woman or another behind her back at the time anyway...
She'd never have cheated on Luka with another man, knowing how much that would hurt him, but when a woman became available...well, that was different. Somehow, in Abby's mind, that wasn't quite the same as being unfaithful to him with a man. Sex with a woman was an experience that he simply couldn't duplicate, any more than Kerry's body could fully substitute for his. Maybe it was unfair of Abby to hold such a double standard, but dammit, that was how she felt! It was part of the same reason that she wasn't angry to find Luka with John. If she'd caught him with a woman, she'd never have forgiven him, but another man seemed fair. It was pretty much the same thing Abby had sought with Kerry. Not a replacement for their heterosexual relationship, but a supplement. An addition for variety, so they could enjoy the best of both worlds.
Was that the only reason she made a pass at Kerry, she wondered? That she was available at the moment that Abby was upset with Luka? No, the more she thought about it, the more Abby had to admit that Kerry Weaver intrigued her. Weaver had often struck Abby as a hard-assed bitch at work, but whenever her name came up in conversation with John, there was a real fondness in his face and voice. After talking with John, and hearing some stories of his life with Kerry, Abby had begun to see the ER Chief in a new light. Sure, she was still demanding and often inflexible, but Abby had become aware of the good heart beneath her armor. As well as the attractive body beneath her clothes.
When Kerry had been so forward and friendly to her, earlier, and her inhibitions had been loosened by their laughter, well, she'd just gone for it. Yes, Abby had to admit that she really did like Kerry. For all her harshness on the job, she could be funny, sweet, and loving when the circumstances were right. And she was excellent in bed, to boot.
The only thing wrong was that she insisted on being the boss all the time, in every situation. Abby liked Kerry, but she felt that if someone were to put her in a situation where she couldn't be in total control once in a while, it might do her a world of good. Maybe even remove some of those blocks that kept her from letting herself fall in love.
That thought was intriguing, and Abby thought maybe she could be the one to do it, perhaps with a little help from Tall, Dark, and Croatian here...
The drive home was silent, with neither one of them wanting to talk out of fear that the wrong thing would be said. The still falling snow was making the road conditions far from perfect and Luka was almost grateful for the need to concentrate on his driving. But his careful attention to the road didn't keep his mind from wandering. How could he have cheated on Abby? And with another man, no less? Oh, sure, he could try to find some excuse to reason away what had happened. Maybe say that it was a spur of the moment thing. A primal urge that just had to be met. And Abby might believe that. As long as she never knew how many times that primal urge had been sated. Luka could still feel the hardness of John's body under his hands. Still taste John's skin on his lips. Still see the look of wild desire and release that flashed over John's face as he came. Luka had made John feel that way. No one else. And John had done the same for him. Luka had felt a different satisfaction with John than what he ever had with Abby. Not a better satisfaction, just a different one. And God help him, it was one he wanted to feel again.
Abby sat in the passenger seat, stealing sidelong glances at Luka, seeing that he was deep in thought. Maybe he was remembering what he had done with John? Abby had certainly been having difficulties keeping her mind away from what she had seen them doing and she could only guess that there had been more. At what point in the evening did John and Luka decide to throw caution to the wind? From what Frank had said, they had been hearing those sounds upstairs in the ER for quite a while. She closed her eyes, letting the image of Luka making love to John linger in her mind. She wanted to see that again. And then some. A new fantasy was forming in her head, building on the one she had of her and John having sex together. Now Luka was in the picture as well, the three of them loving and laughing in her bedroom. Intense and serious in the kitchen. Giving each other all they had in the living room. And there was also that other new fantasy to deal with, Abby thought. The one of her and Luka with Kerry Weaver. Abby bit back a moan as a million images assailed her mind. If only she could find a way to convince Luka to be willing to let even one of those fantasies come true, then Abby could truly die a happy person.
Once home, Abby still wouldn't speak to Luka and it was driving him crazy. He didn't dare break the silence himself, unsure if she was angry with him. Or if she was going to make him move out. He didn't think he could go back to the hotel now. That room would seem too small and barren after having lived with Abby. When she headed to the bathroom to brush her teeth, he followed her, standing in the open doorway and watching while she got ready for bed.
Even if the mirror had not shown Luka's reflection, Abby still would have known he was standing behind her. She would feel every feeling Luka was projecting. There was concern, remorse, and even fear. It was the feeling of fear that made her think that maybe she should let up on him for a bit.
Sighing, Abby turned around. "I don't have to be to work until six tomorrow night, and you told me that you weren't on until midnight, right?"
Luka nodded, then cleared his throat, feeling a glimmer of hope now that Abby was speaking to him. "That's right."
"Let's get some sleep. We can talk in the morning." Abby pulled her pajamas out of her dresser drawer, then began to dress for bed.
Luka frowned as he watched Abby put on her nightclothes. That meant there was no chance for them to make love. Not that he thought he could get it up any longer. He was quite spent after all the times he had come with John, but Abby didn't know that. Luka also didn't like the idea of going to sleep while she was angry with him. "I don't want this, Abby. Going to sleep with you angry and upset with me isn't right."
"I'm not angry or upset, Luka. I am surprised, though. I really don't know what to say about tonight and I don't want to get into it now. I'm too afraid that I might say or do the wrong thing. I love you too much to risk that." She got into bed. "Let's both try to get a good night's sleep and we'll have a nice long talk tomorrow. By then, we'll both be seeing things a lot more clearly."
"You really aren't angry with me?" Luka asked, feeling unsure.
Abby smiled up at him. "I'm not angry, but we do have a lot to talk about in the morning." Number one on that list was the fact that Luka and John were having unsafe sex, not that they had a means to get condoms in the storeroom. But, Abby wanted to make sure that Luka knew he was going to be using condoms with her until he and John were tested for HIV and obtained negative results.
"Okay." Luka didn't want to sleep, but he saw that he wouldn't be able to budge Abby on this issue. He started to get ready for bed, wondering if he would be able to figure out how to tell her what happened. He had until the morning, so surely that would be enough time. Maybe by then he would even know why it was that he found it so easy to kiss John and have sex with him.
**********************
The next morning, John sat quietly in Kerry's office while she made phone calls to the appropriate parties confirming that he had missed his meeting for reasons that were entirely beyond his control; and that he had passed all recent drug tests, including the one she had him take after being released from the storeroom. She promised to fill out an incident report and have it corroborated by all the involved parties. After hanging up, she turned on her computer terminal and typed up a quick report, going over it with John and confirming with him.
According to the report, Dr. Kovac had asked Dr. Carter to help him retrieve some supplies from the storeroom, and the door locked behind them without warning. They called repeatedly for help, while using the blankets to keep warm. Nurse Lockhart, concerned that Dr. Carter had missed his meeting, had come looking for him, at the same time that Dr. Weaver was looking for Dr. Kovac to consult his opinion on a minor policy matter. They located the missing doctors in the storeroom, but were accidentally locked in themselves in the process, until Frank released them. Kerry concluded the report with a strongly worded recommendation that maintenance examine the lock on the storeroom door before further incidents occurred.
"Now that's some grade-A bullshit," she muttered when the report was finished and printed. It was nice and bureaucratic, without a hint of the polymorphous ongoings that had taken place.
John nodded, still feeling embarrassed. "Thank you for being so discreet, Dr. Weaver," he said. "I don't think my reputation around here could survive much more than it already has."
"Well, we couldn't have that, could we?" Kerry leaned back in her chair and regarded him. Her face seemed to soften for the first time, in that way he always found so deeply appealing. "So," she said after a while, "why, in all the time we lived together, didn't you ever tell me you had these feelings for other men?"
And John blushed all over again.
***********************************
"I don't have 'feelings' for men in general, Kerry," John was saying. "I mean, I'm not gay, if that's what you meant."
"I know you're not," she said, nodding her head towards the door to her basement. "I don't think Roxanne was a good enough actress to fake it that well."
"You could hear us?!"
"Vividly." She recited, " 'Oh God, John, yes, oh God, that feels so good, oh John...' Shall I go on?"
"No, please don't."
They were sitting in Kerry's living room, almost exactly where she had sat with Abby the night before. John had clearly felt uncomfortable answering her earlier question in Kerry's office, so she'd taken pity on him and invited him home for a friendly talk.
"I love women," he assured her. "I really do. It's just...sometimes I like men, too."
She nodded, understanding. "Same here." John looked at her in surprise. "Other way around, though," she clarified.
"You...like women, sometimes?"
She nodded again. "Does that surprise you?"
"A little," he admitted. "By now, I suppose nothing you do should surprise me, but...it does."
"Don't tell me you missed all the rumors about me and Kim."
"I heard them, I just thought it was idle gossip. And anyway, I try not to pay attention when people talk about you behind your back. It feels...I don't know, disloyal, somehow."
Kerry felt warmed by his words. Their relationship had been strained over the last year or so, to say the least, but John still cared for her... "Well, we were talking about you," she reminded him, seeking to get the conversation back on safer ground.
"Right. There have been times when I thought about it. Sex with men, I mean. It probably dates back to boarding school, when there were no girls around."
"But you've never been with a man?"
John shook his head. "I just dismissed it as a passing fantasy, you know, a variation on things in my imagination. I always thought that it was too big a line to cross. Like I could be one thing or another, but not both. Does that make any sense?"
"More than you think," Kerry assured him. "But you can be both if you want to, John. If it's something you want, and it doesn't hurt anyone, there's no reason you can't enjoy sex with anyone, man or woman. Take my word for it." At some point, she'd laid a hand on his arm, but couldn't remember doing so.
He bowed his head. "For a while," he began, "I was afraid I couldn't enjoy sex with anyone at all."
"Why?"
He chose his words carefully. "I haven't been with anyone since Lucy died, Kerry. Since I was stabbed. At first, I was still recovering, and so I was too weak. But even when my body got better, I felt...broken. I didn't think I could be effective, sexually." He wiped a tear away. "And getting addicted certainly didn't help. I couldn't even think about sex, only about getting my next dose."
Kerry felt the pain all over again, the pain that came from discovering she'd failed one of her closest friends. That she hadn't seen the signs right in front of her, that she hadn't acted sooner. She hadn't been there for him.
"While I was in Atlanta, I used to have dreams about making love again," he added. "And it was always someone from the hospital. Never Elaine or Roxanne or anyone else from outside. It was always someone I worked with. Sometimes Anna, sometimes Deb...excuse me, Jing-Mei...even Dr. Benton once. Occasionally, since I got back, it's even been Abby."
That made sense to Kerry. John had been spending a lot of time with Abby, and she was a very attractive woman...as Kerry knew well.
"But most often, it was you."
Kerry sat up sharply, drawing her hand away in surprise. "Me...?"
"Yeah." John looked at her. "I hope that doesn't make you feel uncomfortable, but the counselors keep telling us to be honest and deal with our feelings as they come up. Helps avoid the denial traps, or something like that."
"No, I understand." She cleared her throat. "You dreamed about making love with me?"
"Uh-huh. But then I'd always wake up alone, locked away in a strange city, and I'd feel completely alone and unloved again." He sniffled. "I think that's why I had sex with Luka when the opportunity arose...as it were." He chuckled mirthlessly at his own lame joke. "I wanted to feel close to someone, and to know that I could still do it."
"Well," she said, "it looked to me like your experiment was a success, in that regard."
John smiled at that, with the smile she loved. "Yes, it was," he said. "God, it was such a relief."
Kerry leaned closer and put her arms around him. "I'm happy for you, John," she said.
He turned more fully into her embrace, saying, "Thank you, Ker--" and their lips met.
There was a frozen moment as they both knew what had just happened.
Then it unfroze, and they kissed each other the way they'd always wanted to. Deeply, longingly, intensely. Both of them hungry for something that only the other could give.
Kerry found herself in John's lap and didn't remember if she had crawled there herself or if he had pulled her there. She didn't remember, and she didn't care. Either way, events seemed to be drawing them together.
John's lips left hers, pulling back slightly. "Kerry..." he whispered, and she loved the sound of her name in his voice. "I want to, but...are you sure? Isn't this inappropriate, somehow?" In his mind he was wishing, praying that she was sure about this. That there would be no turning away from what was about to happen.
There it was again, the curse of her position. She knew that, technically, he was right. The Chief of the ER shouldn't be getting involved with one of the residents under her authority. Sex with Abby, a nurse in her own ER, was risky enough, but sleeping with Carter while supervising him after his recovery was clearly against policy.
That was the final straw, as far as she was concerned. Policy had required that she throw John out of her house callously. It had kept her from remaining his friend. It had prevented her from being close to him during his physical recovery, and forced her to cruelly threaten to take his job away when she and Mark learned he was an addict.
Well, now she was in the arms of a man she'd cared deeply about and dreamed about in ways she'd never admit. She'd lost a piece of herself that night when she answered the door, just drunk enough that her guard was down, and saw that face, strangely altered ("Did you do something to your hair?" she'd asked - yes, he'd removed it from his chin). And now, after all those nights of lying alone in bed, wishing that she were the woman downstairs with him instead of that blonde bitch Roxanne, if policy demanded that she push him away again, then the time had come to say 'Fuck Policy'. She'd given up enough of herself in its service. Tonight, it was her turn.
"Frankly, John, I don't give a damn. Not anymore," she said, answering his question. "Now, take me to bed and make love to me. Make those dreams come true."
John nodded, knowing that words were not needed. He put his arms around her and slowly rose to his feet, smiling as Kerry wrapped her legs tightly around his waist.
Then he carefully made his way up the stairs, not wanting to risk tripping over his own two feet. And yet he was afraid that Kerry would change her mind before he could reach her bed.
Her bed. Kerry's bed. A bed he had dreamed about being in. And now he would be there. This wasn't a dream anymore. This afternoon his dreams, dreams that had been within him for years, would become reality. If nothing else ever happened between them, John would know that he would have this time to treasure and remember until the day he died.
John never let his eyes leave Kerry's face as he gently deposited her on the bed. He was so intent upon her that he barely registered how her room looked. The only sight that mattered to him was the look in her eyes, that hungry desire for him. The way her lower lip was slightly trembling, the way her nipples were hard against her shirt. He knew that if he was bold enough to touch her lower right now that she would be wet. Wet for him.
Kerry suppressed a sigh as John straddled her legs and leaned in to kiss her. His lips felt soft as they met hers and then she felt his tongue gently brush across her lower lip, caressing it. She opened her mouth, inviting him inside, her hands grasping his shoulders as if she were afraid he would float away if she didn't hold onto him.
John chuckled, ignoring her blatant invitation as he let his lips trail kisses down her neck. Her hands were squeezing him so tightly that he knew he would have bruises come the morning. He unbuttoned her blouse, following the opening of her shirt with his mouth until he reached the waistband of her slacks. They had now scooted to the middle of the bed, with Kerry's head resting on the fluffy pillows propped against the headboard. Hooking his fingers under the waistband, John slowly lowered the fabric, smiling at Kerry's impatient thrusting up of her hips to facilitate his attempt to undress her. Not wanting to cause her any discomfort, John quickly pulled the pants down to her thighs, then he slowed once more, inching the material lower as he kissed the soft insides of her thighs, deeply breathing of her scent. One kiss was tenderly placed where her silk panties molded to her body, then his tongue stroked the material, the wetness of his mouth meeting the wetness of her body and Kerry moaned.
Kerry closed her eyes tightly as she felt the heat from John's tongue touching her through her panties. She wanted him to finish taking her clothes off, wanted him to enter her already. Kerry wanted all of him, and she wanted all of him now. "John...please?" she said, her voice breathless for she knew that she would surely die if she didn't have him now.
"If you're sure," he said, and then his tongue left her body. But he didn't hurry then, he returned to the slow torture of her patience by kissing his way down her legs, giving attention to each one as they were uncovered.
Finally she was lying there before him wearing only her bra and panties. And he was still dressed, an infuriating miscarriage of fairness, in Kerry's opinion. She had seen plenty of his body in the storeroom. Saw how flushed his face and body were from the sex with Luka. And Kerry wanted to see John's body that way because of her and only her. Too many nights had passed with her hearing Roxanne's cries of pleasure. Too many nights where Kerry had found her own hands stroking the core of her pleasure as she imagined John in bed with her, loving her in ways that he had never loved any other woman.
"I want to undress you now," she said, looking up into his dark eyes, unable to read the expression she found there.
John shook his head. "Not yet. You got more than an eyeful of me last night. Now it's my turn." And he ran his hands up her thighs and under her panties, caressing her hips with his long fingers. When he pulled his hands back down, he took the silk material with them, tossing the pants onto the floor with the rest of her clothing. Then he gently pulled her up into a sitting position and lowered the straps of her bra, kissing the rise of each breast as it was revealed to him.
Kerry was about to scream from all that John was doing. His slow seduction was about to drive her crazy and she was beginning to understand why Roxanne had been so vocal down in the basement. The man was a sadist by going so slowly. When he finally reached around to unhook her bra, she took advantage of his nearness and latched onto his neck, kissing and sucking just below the edge of his shirt collar.
John moaned and let his hands lightly skim over the skin of her back as she teased him. He had dreamed so often of doing this, of driving Kerry crazy with desire, of slowly bringing her to a sweet release and then starting all over again. He had never gotten any complaints from his girlfriends, yet now he felt as if he were a schoolboy with his first lover. He wanted so much to please Kerry. Wanted to hear her cry out his name as she came. Wanted to feel her fingernails digging into his flesh as her orgasm overcame her and she was lost in another place. John didn't want to disappoint. Not today.
He gently disengaged Kerry, making sure that her head landed on the pillows as he pushed her onto her back. John then got off the bed and began to undress, his eyes on Kerry the entire time, noting the swift rise and fall of her breasts as she breathed, the pink tinge to her skin as her desire for him betrayed her. Kerry liked to think that she was a fortress, too strong to be breached. But John knew better, he knew that she cried, knew that she laughed. Living with her had shown him so much of the woman that was kept hidden from the world. And it was that woman that he loved. He had loved Kerry for a long time, even though he had been too cowardly to let her know. But he didn't dare give voice to those words. Didn't dare to give Kerry a reason to send him away, especially not now. So, he silently gazed upon her body, noting how the afternoon sun was coming through the slats of the blinds on the window and creating a tantalizing effect of shadow and yellow-orange light on her body. Crawling back between her legs, he began to kiss her thighs, determined to give her the most intense pleasure she had ever experienced at the hands and mouth of a man. Determined to make her his, at least for the afternoon.
And maybe even for forever. He could dream, couldn't he? And sometimes, dreams did come true.
