Lifting the deli platter carefully out of the back seat, he caught a glimpse of a familiar figure. Kerry was walking toward Abby's building from the direction of the nearest El station, looking as nervous as a bride on her way to the altar. A sudden wave of affection ran through him at the sight of her; Luka didn't know if he and Kerry would ever really be friends, but they were here for a common purpose, one that he looked forward to immensely.
He called her name, and she looked around and spotted him by his car. Returning his wave like an old friend, she let him catch up to her before entering the building. "You ready for this?" she asked him with a smile.
"Are you kidding?" Luka cheerfully replied, arms laden with the domed plastic tray. "After three days in a row of working nights and sleeping alone, I am more than ready!"
She laughed along with him as they got onto the elevator.
"How about you?" he asked.
"I'm...I'm nervous, but in a good way," she admitted. "I can't believe I'm doing this. This is so not like me..."
The tall man shifted his grip on the deli platter, freeing an arm and putting it around her shoulders. "Relax, we'll have a great time," he assured her. "And this time, I promise, no blindfolds."
Kerry glanced up at him, sidelong. "Don't be too sure of that, mister," she replied in a sort of Clint Eastwood semi-whisper. She ran her free hand flirtatiously up his leg, giving him a squeeze where he was hardest and nearly making him drop the tray. Memories of that one incredible fuck they'd shared were vivid in his mind, and he bet the same was true in hers. He made a mental note: be sure to work in a repeat performance at some point tonight. It was only by sheer will that he avoided spilling cold cuts all over the elevator floor.
She laughed, well aware of the effect she was having on him, and the elevator doors opened. They continued bantering lightly as they walked down the hall to Abby's door. Luka complained that he couldn't reach the key in his pants pocket, and Kerry offered to fish it out for him, making him laugh. They both felt like young kids on their way to the prom.
Abby opened the door before the key issue could be resolved, as if she'd been waiting for them right by the door; Luka knew she was excited about tonight, too. But the expression on her face wasn't what he'd expected.
"Hi, Kerry," she said. "Come in."
"Thank you. Hi, Abby." Kerry entered the apartment with a smile, capturing Abby in a one-armed hug in the process and planting a cheerful kiss on her cheek. "I hope you haven't been waiting on me. I hate being the last one to arrive for something."
"Kerry..."
"Are you sure I shouldn't have brought anything?" Kerry chattered on cheerfully, missing Abby's somber tone. "I didn't want to bring a bottle of wine, of course, but I could have brought some sparkling cider, or something like that."
"Don't worry, we've got plenty of soft drinks," Luka told her as he set the food on the table in the kitchen. "Abby, should I leave this out or put it in the refrigerator for a while?"
"Ummm, leave it out for now. Luka, come here a second, I need to talk to you both." Something in Abby's voice caught Luka's attention, and it didn't sound good.
Kerry still wore her coat, unbuttoned, and she seemed to be hovering, as if unsure whether to sit down or help with the food, or what. It was a state of nervous indecision that Luka had never seen in the focused, determined ER Chief before, and he realized how much the thought of their gathering tonight was thrilling her. The giddy smile on her face hadn't entirely gone away since he had laid eyes on her outside. "Is John here, or are we still waiting for him?" she asked.
Abby didn't reply, allowing a moment of silence to dampen some of the excitement from the atmosphere. "Kerry," she said softly, "come here."
The smile faded somewhat as the older woman focused on Abby. Luka joined them and they all sat on Abby's sofa. "What's wrong?" he asked softly.
"Well, nothing's wrong, exactly," Abby replied. "But I talked to John while you were out. He won't be joining us tonight."
Kerry was sitting between Abby and Luka, facing her, so he couldn't see her face clearly, but he could still sense the disappointment in her body language. It was mirrored by his own. "What do...?" Kerry cleared her throat. "Did he say why not?"
"Is he all right?" Luka added, then mentally kicked himself for the stupid question. Abby had just said nothing was wrong. There were plenty of possible reasons why John couldn't be with them. He'd been paged to the hospital. His jeep had broken down. His grandmother had taken ill, or his cousin.
"Yeah, he was here earlier, to tell me he wouldn't be with us tonight. He sends his apologies, but he felt it was best if he didn't have sex with us."
"I don't understand," Luka said. "I thought he was looking forward to this."
Abby nodded. "I don't know if I can explain it as well as he did," she said, "but he's made a decision to...well, to explore abstinence for a while."
Kerry said nothing.
"You remember the stuff they passed out at the church meeting?"
Luka nodded, recalling a little of what he'd read.
"Well, it apparently made quite an impression on John. He explained it all to me, but the gist of it is that he doesn't want to have sex with anyone anymore unless it's someone he's in love with."
The tremor that ran through Kerry's body was so small as to be almost unnoticeable, but Luka was well aware of it anyway. He could almost hear her accompanying thought: So he's not in love with me.
Abby's eyes flicked to Kerry, as if she'd felt it too. "I know this is disappointing to all of us," she said carefully, "but I think we have to respect his choice and support it. If this is what he feels is best for him, then..."
Kerry stood up suddenly, as if proximity to other people had become too dangerous. She moved a few paces away, back to the sofa, and it wasn't hard to tell she was struggling to hold in her feelings.
"You're right, Abby," Luka said, though he was actually directing his words to Kerry. "If that's how he feels, then we should leave him alone."
"Yes, of course you're right," Kerry said tightly, without turning to look at them.
Abby regarded her carefully. "Kerry, this is good news," she said, unconvincingly. "It means he's turned a corner. He's made a voluntary choice to forego immediate gratification for the sake of his long-term well being. That's an important step in any recovery."
Kerry nodded, but her shoulders shook briefly.
Luka was caught between impulses. He wanted to comfort Kerry and add his assurances to Abby's, but at the same time, he wanted to express the same anger and hurt that she was obviously repressing. It was purely selfish on his part, he knew, but he'd wanted to feel John's body against his again, even if only once more. If their sexual relationship was meant to end, he could accept that, but to have it cut off like this, without warning...
You have to let him go, he told himself. Just like you had to let Carol go.
All three were silent in their own contemplation for a long minute.
Kerry sniffled once and turned back to the seated pair, forcing a smile. "Okay, well that's that, then. You're right, Abby, this is good news, and we're acting like it's a funeral. I'm happy for John, really."
Abby stood up. "Well, we've got plenty to eat," she said, trying a little too obviously to change the subject. "Who's hungry?"
"I am," Luka chimed in, even though he had no appetite anymore. It seemed important to try to cheer everyone up.
"Kerry?"
She shook her head. "No, thanks," she replied. "It looked fine, but I'm not in much of a party mood. I'm sorry, maybe I should leave..."
"No, please don't," Abby said hurriedly. She put an arm around Kerry's shoulders. "Come on, Kerry, I know it's a letdown, but you shouldn't be alone right now."
Kerry shook her head in annoyance. "I'm fine, Abby. Despite what you may think, I'm not in need of anyone's pity. Yes, I wanted to sleep with John, but if that's not going to happen, then that's too bad. I don't need your sympathy."
Abby's tone cooled, but she didn't retreat. "Well, maybe we need yours."
The other woman glanced at her in surprise, looking contrite.
Luka moved over to where they stood and stroked Kerry's back. "You know, we didn't arrange this get-together just because of John," he said easily. "We both wanted to be with you again, too."
"We'd really like it if you stayed," Abby added.
Her words seemed to touch something in Kerry, as though they reminded her of some other occasion. She put one hand on Luka's chest, the other on Abby's, taking a fistful of each one's shirt as though trying simultaneously to pull them close and push them away. "Okay," she said at last.
Luka let out a faint sigh, relieved not to lose this connection on top of John's. "Okay," he repeated.
Abby smiled. "You know, we can all just talk if you want. We don't have to have sex."
Kerry looked at each one, then said, "The hell we don't. It was standing room only on the El coming here. I'd hate to put up with that and not at least get laid for my troubles."
The humor was obviously forced, but they all chuckled at it anyway.
Without further ceremony, Kerry took Abby's hand and turned toward their bedroom. "Come on," she said, inviting no debate. Abby slipped her arm around Luka's waist and dragged him along as well; he offered no resistance. The subject of food was forgotten.
Kerry marched into the bedroom with the same determination with which she entered a trauma room. Releasing Abby's hand and turning to regard her hosts, she looked at each of them in turn, then at the bed, her brow knit with concentration as though she were mentally choreographing the upcoming action.
"Okay," she said at last in her 'command decision' tone. "Luka, get undressed. Lie there." She pointed to one side of the bed.
Although he'd often rankled at being bossed around by Kerry Weaver at work, this was a different context entirely. Besides, he and Abby had had their way with her the last time she was in this room, so she deserved to call the shots this time around. He removed his coat, shirt, and tie, dropping them carelessly to the floor, then began unbuckling his belt.
"You too," Kerry said to Abby, pointing. "Next to him." Her voice was crisp and clinical.
Abby raised her eyebrows at Kerry's attitude of dominance, but slipped off her top obediently. Maybe she was recalling the way Kerry had taken charge the first time she slept with Abby. Her bra floated to the floor as she unbuttoned her jeans.
Luka sat, naked, on the bottom edge of the bed where Kerry had directed, joined moments later by Abby beside him. Kerry remained fully dressed, overcoat and all, and yet it lent her a strangely erotic quality that complimented his nudity and Abby's.
Setting her crutch aside, Kerry knelt carefully on the bed between them, one hand resting easily on each one's shoulder. Pressing gently but firmly, she made them both lie back on the bed. With her face still a mask of professional composure, Kerry ran the fingertips of one hand lightly over Luka's features, the other hand doing the same to Abby's.
Fingers that were both soft and strong traced the planes, angles, and curves of his face, drawing a tactile picture. From the corner of his eye, Luka could see Abby's lips part under Kerry's other hand. Her eyes were closed. Kerry glanced from one to the other as though comparing and contrasting their reactions. She looked like a scientist studying two different subjects in a case study. Male and female human, subjected to light foreplay, approximate levels of arousal...
Luka heard the faintly moist sound as Abby took Kerry's fingertips into her mouth, sucking on them delicately, and then he captured her thumb with his own mouth. Kerry's face didn't change, but she rocked her hips in place, signifying her own growing reaction.
She withdrew both hands at once, trailing them down the necks of each of her lovers, and Luka felt her fingers threading between his chest hairs, exploring the terrain of his torso. Abby moaned softly as Kerry took a nipple between thumb and forefinger, tweaking it. She did the same to Luka a moment later, firing off a bolt of pleasure through his body. He wanted to roll up and take Kerry in his arms, undressing her, but restrained himself. This was her show, by unspoken agreement among all three. Abby's hand found his, and their fingers intertwined, sharing the experience.
Kerry's gifted hands roamed lower, gliding over their waistlines, down into the richest territory. Her hand took a possessive hold of his cock, squeezing it expertly, bringing it to even greater hardness. Luka was able to hold in his groan of pleasure, but Abby gasped aloud as she was penetrated by Kerry's other hand. "Oh yes, Kerry..."
All three seemed to have found the same rhythm, rocking and undulating slowly on the bed, Kerry stroking and stimulating both at once, sharing their energy without losing her composure. Luka was surprised once again at how much he enjoyed sharing Abby with someone else, seeing and hearing her pleasured by a third party who was also pleasuring him. He'd never have considered this with his wife, never even fantasized about other people when he was with her. It wasn't just because Danijela believed strongly in monogamy, or that he wanted to be faithful to her - she was everything he needed, everything he wanted. He didn't think he could have done this with her, even if she agreed to it. But Abby loved this as much as he did.
Did that mean that his love for Abby wasn't the equal of that for his wife? Wasn't she enough for him? Maybe those weren't fair comparisons, but it still bothered Luka. And yet he could hardly devote any great thought to it while Kerry Weaver was giving him a handjob that made his eyes cross.
Abby's grip on his hand tightened and relaxed as her own pleasure rose and abated, and her voice was a constant presence. "Ohh, mmmm, yes..."
"What do you want, Abby?" Kerry spoke suddenly.
"More," she gasped. "I want this..."
"Say it," Kerry ordered.
"Fuck me, Kerry," she answered breathily, her head lolling to one side, then another. "Make me come, please..."
Without releasing Luka, Kerry turned the lion's share of her attention to Abby, focusing her will on the nurse's growing climax. She didn't do anything differently that Luka was capable of seeing, but the intensity of Abby's moans suddenly picked up, and her hips rose off the bed to meet Kerry's hand more fully. "Aaaahhhh...!" she cried out, and her back arched as she came, supported by feet and shoulders. Luka could feel her climax resonating through her hand gripping his, as well as the mattress under his back. There was a pulse in his groin that nearly made him come as well, but he held it in by an act of sheer willpower. Abby let out a long, low moan of satisfaction as she collapsed in place.
Kerry withdrew the hand from Abby's sex, bringing the fingers to her own mouth and slowly licking them clean, as if analyzing the results of her experiment. Then she turned her gaze to Luka. "Now you, I think," she said softly.
Easing herself downward, she took a new position between his legs, both hands molding themselves deliciously around his erection, stroking and caressing it on all sides. That sensation paled in comparison, however, when he felt her take it into her mouth. He'd felt that mouth upon him once before, when Kerry was bound and blindfolded, but that hadn't prepared him for what she could do while on top and in control, devoting her full attention to him. If that first oral experience with her was like a classical piece done well by a solo pianist, this was like the same piece played by an entire orchestra.
"Kerry, my GOD..." he began, then cut himself off with a gasp. The things her hands and mouth were doing to him had been done before, and quite expertly, but he couldn't recall them ever being done so well before. Not by John Carter, or Danijela, or even Abby. They were all terrific, but Kerry Weaver had skill beyond his expectations. He spoke again, but found himself lapsing into Croatian, saying things he knew neither woman could understand consciously. But his meaning was clear enough.
He could feel Kerry's humming more than he could hear it, the tuneless melody singing through his nerves and his veins, bringing his excitement to unexpected levels. Her hands squeezed his shaft and balls in perfect counterpoint, accentuating the feeling of her lips, tongue and throat. The fingers of his free hand ran through her silken, fiery hair as he held the back of her head, careful not to put any pressure on her. But even while he guided her head up and down, it was clear to all that Kerry was very much the one in complete control of this blowjob; its recipient was little more than a helpless puppet.
Abby released Luka's hand and rolled half onto him, bringing her own mouth to his broad chest, kissing and licking his sensitive nipples while running her hands over his body. He put his arm around her in appreciation, feeling the sweat cooling along her spine. His head was thrown back, his mutterings becoming less intelligible in any language, as Kerry sucked him to the brink of ecstasy and beyond. He cried out as he came in her mouth, feeling her doing her best to suck him dry. Good Lord, that felt incredible!
Kerry sat up slowly, keeping just enough suction on his penis that it slid out of her mouth only with great reluctance and a final, wet 'pop'. She let out a mild sigh, the only indication that she'd had any difficulty breathing. For a very brief moment, Luka thought he saw a flash of deep sadness cross her face, as if she'd just done something that disappointed herself terribly, perhaps a secret promise broken. Then it was gone again, and he thought maybe he'd imagined it.
"Abby," she said, beckoning the nurse towards her. Abby sat up and Kerry took hold of the back of her neck, pulled her close, and kissed her hard on the mouth, driving her tongue into the nude woman's mouth. Kerry's state of full dress made it an interesting contrast. Then, without letting go of Abby, Kerry broke the kiss and guided Abby's head to Luka's lap. "Keep him hard for me," she commanded, shifting away.
He felt the familiar sensation of Abby's talented mouth taking him in, sucking him slowly but surely, just enough to keep his arousal idling. He didn't need it to remain hard, watching Kerry undress herself, but he wasn't about to complain.
Kerry kept her back turned as she slid her clothes off, even though they'd both seen her naked before; it was as if there was some private reserve that she had to keep hidden. Then, to Luka's mild surprise, she slipped her overcoat back on over her nude body before turning back to him. She left it open, allowing access to her body while retaining some degree of mystique. He felt the allure of her presence keenly.
While Abby continued to give him leisurely head, Kerry took a foil packet from her coat pocket - apparently she had brought something to the party after all - and unwrapped the condom, discarding the wrapping on the bedside table. She lifted Abby's head with a single finger under her chin, then handed her the condom; Abby took it obediently and applied it to Luka with a nurse's economy of motion.
Kerry put one arm around Abby's shoulders, more for balance than intimacy, and carefully straddled Luka's erection, lowering herself onto it. Abby held her up surreptitiously, providing the support that Kerry's crutch usually did, while Kerry eased her hips downward, gradually engulfing his entire length within herself. A ragged breath escaped her lips, but otherwise she showed no reaction.
Luka, rediscovering how tight she was, recalled the first day he'd met Kerry Weaver, overhearing a couple of the nurses refer to her as "a real tightass." He hadn't understood the idiom at the time, but an image very similar to this one had sprung to his mind. It hadn't been long before he realized the phrase was a reference to her tough, no-nonsense style of management, but it was an interesting irony to discover that he'd been right the first time, too.
She closed her eyes, finding the rhythm of her breathing as she raised and lowered her hips, contracting and relaxing around him. Although she let out a small whimper or moan now and again, her face remained composed, even aloof. Luka wondered, with the part of himself that could think rationally while having sex, why she was reacting so differently than the first time they'd made love. The Kerry he'd slept with then was much more expressive in her pleasure, restrained only by her physical bonds. This time she was on top, in control, and yet seemed to be holding herself tightly within. Maybe it was Kerry's nature to be restrained, one way or another.
Luka held her hips in his hands and bucked his own up in response, flexing inside her, and she reacted immediately, her head falling back and her spine arching. Abby, still supporting her from the side, caught an upturned nipple in her mouth and suckled it lovingly.
Kerry's moans increased in volume and her face began to lose its neutral quality, though she kept her eyes closed. Luka repeated the motion, pulling her down a little harder, and he thought she flinched in pain as he did so. For a moment, he thought he'd hurt her, and eased off, trusting that she would voice an objection if anything was really wrong. She didn't.
If anything, she seemed to drive herself harder down upon him, even when the same look of discomfort shot across her. Luka's medical instincts were certain now that Kerry was hurting, but she clearly didn't want to stop. His concern for her welfare was outvoted by his respect for her determination; sometimes, he felt, it's good to push yourself and not shy away from pain. He wouldn't make that choice for Kerry, or anyone else, but if she made it for herself, then he'd respect that choice. Plus, he was enjoying himself too much to stop.
Kerry was sending mixed signals with her body language. One moment she seemed to be in seventh heaven from what Luka and Abby were doing to her, the next she appeared to be in torment, either physical or emotional. It looked to Luka like these impulses were dueling within her, and she was struggling to maintain a balance between them before they tore her apart. His detached side was beginning to entertain serious concerns about her, and yet he couldn't stop this from happening. She was almost throwing herself against him, in spite of whatever pain it might cause her, testing herself and demanding nothing less than complete satisfaction in return. Her voice rose to a steady cry as she clutched Abby's face against her breast, then she convulsed sharply and was still.
"Oh God..." she whispered, slowly easing herself off of Luka.
"Kerry," Luka said, finding the breath to speak, "are you all right?"
"I'm fine, Luka," she replied absently, still winded. "That was terrific."
He nodded, but something seemed amiss to him. He hadn't come, still recovering from the excellent blowjob she'd given him, but he had the nagging suspicion that she hadn't either.
"Abby," Kerry said, as if cutting off his line of thought, "it's your turn."
Abby, appearing similarly concerned, reached for Kerry, straddling Luka's body in the process.
"No, I mean with him," Kerry corrected her, deftly avoiding Abby's hands and lying on her side next to Luka. "I didn't get to see you two together last time. I want to watch you make love."
Luka and Abby looked at each other, their eyes agreeing that Kerry wasn't as contented as she let on, but they made a mutual decision not to press the issue now. She took up a position identical to the one Kerry had just vacated, took hold of his erection, still in the same condom, and slid it inside herself. As always, a shiver of delight ran through her body as her vaginal muscles relaxed enough to admit him.
They quickly fell into a practiced rhythm, finding the comfort that comes with a familiar experience, and yet their lovemaking had the freshness of new territory. The presence of an audience was something Luka could feel keenly, and yet he and Abby had eyes only for each other, bonding as much in their gaze as in their loins. He ran the palms of his hands upward from her pelvis, over her abdomen, to cup her breasts. He could hear the light flutter in her voice with each breath she expelled, undeniable proof of her excitement.
Sitting up, he cupped his hands behind her waist, allowing her to lean back without danger of falling. She trusted him completely, never worrying that he might drop her, and the growing urgency in her eyes was a sign of their upcoming climax. He felt the base of his own spine tingling in anticipation.
"God, yes, Luka, fuck me..." she rasped throatily, gripping his shoulders with both hands. Her brown hair flew about as she thrashed her head from side to side. He obeyed her on pure instinct, knowing he couldn't hold back much longer, but wanting her to reach orgasm before he did.
He didn't have long to wait before she came, crying out as the waves of radiance pulsed through her, making her skin seem to glow momentarily. He came a moment later, as if in response, and then slowly lay back, feeling her settle on top of him, her head against his chest. Their sweat cooled against their skin as they waited for the room to stop spinning.
"You're beautiful together," Kerry said, reminding Luka that she still lay next to the postorgasmic couple. The look on her face was dreamy, but unmistakably sad.
Abby reached out a hand to take hers. "Kerry..."
The ER Chief sat up, evading her touch. "I think I should go home now," she said, stooping to collect her clothes and begin dressing.
"Why don't you stay the night?" Luka offered.
"Yeah, we'd love to have you with us," Abby put in.
"No, but thank you," their guest replied without meeting their gaze. She stuffed her blouse and underwear into her coat pockets, buttoning it closed over her slacks. "This has been wonderful, but the more I think about it, the more I think John has the right idea. Sometimes celibacy is a good thing to explore."
Abby sat up. "Okay, but you don't have to rush off. We'll get up, have some dinner, and maybe talk...?"
Kerry looked at them. "Abby," she said quietly, "I hope you won't think me ungrateful, after everything you've both done, but I...I think maybe we should all keep our relationship on a professional basis for a while. All right?" There was the barest hint of a tear in one eye.
Abby started to say something else, but Luka took her arm. "Let her go," he said softly. Something was troubling Kerry deeply, they could both see that. But he knew she'd talk about it when and if she felt like it, and not before.
Kerry took up her crutch, then bent over to kiss Abby's forehead, then Luka's. "I'll see you both at work," she said. "Goodnight." And she fled before they could respond. They heard the apartment door close a moment later.
Abby and Luka lay together on the bed for a while, still nude, and then he said, "Well, that didn't go quite as we'd hoped..."
His companion didn't respond at once, but he heard her sniffle.
"Hey," he said, tilting her chin toward him. "Why are you crying?"
"Because she won't," Abby replied.
* * *
Kerry let the elevator doors close and felt the slight drop beneath her feet as it began descending. She leaned against the far wall, marshaling her energy for the El ride home.
Then, against her will, her knees buckled and she slid down the wall into a sitting position, the sobs beginning to come freely. She curled, almost fetally, and covered her face with her hands, futilely trying to hold it in.
She'd broken a promise she'd made to herself long ago. She'd allowed her own fears to have power over her. She'd only ever had to fake an orgasm with one lover before today, and it seemed that he'd always be with her, no matter how much she distanced herself from his memory, or who else she had been with since him.
Each new lover had brought her new brands of pleasure, and for years she had been able to hope that he'd never catch up with her again. Not him, personally, but the emptiness he'd created inside her. Mlungisi, Ellis, Kim, Abby, Luka...John...they'd all helped to fill in that emptiness, but tonight she'd discovered that it wasn't enough. John Carter was right: sex without love was not enough. And love, it seemed, was something she could never have.