By Scott J. Welles and Cathy Roberts
John lay on his back, his eyes focused on the paint swirls of Abby's ceiling while his body responded on its own to what Luka's mouth was doing to him. For some reason, John just couldn't get his body and mind in sync this morning. He had been awakened by Abby's goodbye kiss as she left for work, and even as Abby was leaving the bedroom, John had felt Luka's arms encircle his body, pulling him near.
"I don't have to be in until six, how about you?" Luka asked as he began to nuzzle John's neck.
"I think you know we're on the same schedule, Luka," John had replied as he turned his head for a good morning kiss. A kiss that left him feeling more cold than hot. And John had no idea why that was. The night before, both in the old theater and then after they returned to the apartment, the sex had been hot and passionate. But not this morning.
Something had changed overnight, John thought, and he struggled to decipher just what had changed. But nothing came to mind. There had been no cross words or innuendoes, no misdeeds or fumblings. The sex had been incredible. The one thing it had not been, at least for John, was fulfilling. It had not been the way it had been the first time he had been with Luka, or the first time he had been with Luka and Abby together.
Maybe it wasn't that something had changed, but rather that *someone* had. Even as his body shook from the tremors of his orgasm, John still didn't feel quite 'connected' to Luka the way he had before. Only his body was involved in what Luka was doing and not his heart and mind. John hated feeling that way, hated the idea of shortchanging Luka on something so important as making love. And then John's breath was taken away as he realized the truth -- there was no lovemaking happening here. It was sex, and only sex. Luka cared about him as a friend and that was it. There was no love. And John didn't love Luka in that way, either.
He loved Kerry. And Kerry didn't love him. She only wanted sex, something that he couldn't and wouldn't settle for with her. John wanted to make love to Kerry again, watch the stars burst in her eyes as he made her come over and over again. Listen to the staccato beating of her heart as her orgasm raced through her body, leaving her breathless and like jelly under his hands. He wanted Kerry to see, hear and feel those same things as he came for her.
But that wasn't going to happen.
And this, being here with Luka and Abby, well, it was just wrong. With no love, it was wrong. If he wouldn't settle for it from Kerry, then why was he settling for it from them? Yet, they had been so kind and considerate with him. They had saved him the other night, kept him from backsliding in a big way. How could he tell them 'no' now? Abby was practically giddy over her plans for the four of them to get together, John could easily wait until that had happened before he told them that he couldn't do this any more. That he didn't want to have meaningless sex.
"Hey? Are you here?" Luka's soft voice broke into John's thoughts. Luka was now beside him on the bed, one hand tenderly resting on John's stomach.
"Sorry. I got a little lost." He automatically reached out and stroked Luka's erection. "So, you ready to do something about this?"
Luka grinned. "More than ready. Are you ready for me?"
John nodded, then he rolled over to his stomach and spread his legs to give Luka room. He knew that this wasn't Luka's favorite position for sex. Luka preferred for them to be able to look each other in the eyes. But John didn't want Luka to be looking down into a face devoid of emotion, so this was best. John raised up on his hands and knees, bracing himself for the jolt of the cold gel while mentally readying himself to go through the motions.
**************************
Some days, Abby thought, all you do is go through the motions.
It was exactly that kind of day today: lots of work, but nothing to write home about. No major traumas, no particularly memorable or exciting events, but lots of little stuff that kept you busy. Haleh had assigned her to take inventory today, one of those jobs that no one wanted to do, but it had to be done. And Abby, being the new nurse, and therefore lowest on the totem pole, got picked.
For a while, she'd been concerned that Haleh had something against her, since she always seemed to be surly and brusque whenever she spoke to Abby. Particularly since the abrupt truncation of her med student days and her return to full-time nursing. However, Chuny had confided in her that Haleh was extra tough on everyone lately, as part of her adjustment to doing Carol Hathaway's old job. So Abby tried not to take it too personally. It helped that, a few days before the basement incident, Haleh had brought some pictures of her son's latest school play to show the other nurses, and she'd passed them around to Abby same as everyone else. Yosh and Lydia and Lily made the usual oohs and ahhs that were expected, but Abby just enjoyed feeling like one of the gang for once.
A couple of patients with multiple compound fractures came in, requiring Abby's attention along with Malucci's and Chen's, but it was more a source of ridicule than tragedy; two guys were out drinking and discussing the possibility of going skydiving on their next vacation. One man, trying to describe the correct way to roll with the landing, had jumped off a balcony, thus breaking both legs. The second guy, equally drunk, had criticized his technique and tried to demonstrate the right form...and there went two more legs. Apparently, those who didn't learn from the mistakes of idiocy were condemned to repeat them. Thank God she didn't drink anymore.
Aside from this bit of nonsense, the day went by unremarkably. Around noon, Abby caught a bite to eat in the cafeteria, and then, having a few minutes left over, decided to call Luka...
**************************
"Mmlph?" Luka forced down a mouthful of chicken and tried again. "Hello?"
"Are you eating something?" came Abby's voice.
"Yes, just some leftovers," he replied, pleased as always to hear his favorite voice. "How are you doing?"
"Ohh, just don't ask. One of those days when there's so many little things to make you mad, and you know that none of them are really worth getting mad about, which just makes you madder..."
"In other words, the usual."
"Right." He could hear her smile tiredly through the phone. Don't ask how, he just knew she was smiling. He always could. "Is John still there with you?"
"No, he went home to change. Why, did you want to talk to him?"
"No, just curious how he was feeling about things."
Luka said that John had seemed fine, and they hung up shortly after, but in his own mind, he was less than certain. Sex with him that morning hadn't been entirely what Luka expected. John hadn't refused to do anything, but...it was like he wasn't really into it as much as before. Like he was doing things that were expected of him, rather than things he wanted to do. That had concerned Luka; he obviously didn't want to force himself on anyone. But when he'd asked John if anything was wrong, the younger man had just said no, everything was fine, he was just tired or something. Luka could understand that, given how active the three of them had been last night. But he also sensed there was more to it than that. But what?
Maybe it had something to do with the literature John had been reading when Luka came out of the shower. He'd found John sitting at the breakfast table - right where Kerry Weaver had sat the night after they made love to her - reading the written works those people at the church meeting had passed out to them as they left. Luka had just pocketed his without paying much attention to them at the time, more intent on continuing things with John and Abby once they got home, but John seemed to be intrigued by what he was reading. Although Luka hadn't had much use for religion in several years, his recent friendship with the Bishop had made him acknowledge the need for faith in one form or another. And he knew that the support groups Abby and John belonged to made references to God and prayer at times. Regardless of particular religious beliefs, Luka could see how, as a source of comfort and guidance, it could be of use in anyone's life.
Looking around for his coat, and the literature stuffed into its pocket, Luka thought maybe he'd take a look at it himself and see what had the young resident so thoughtful...
************************
It was midmorning before Abby found herself alone in a room with Kerry. They were both in the drug lock-up, and Abby made sure no one was near.
"I need you to keep next Friday night open," she said as she checked off another box on her inventory sheet.
Kerry's eyebrows raised. "Oh? And what would this be for?"
"How quickly we forget." Abby grinned. "John said 'yes', so the four of us can get together then. If I remember the schedule correctly, Mark is the Attending set to work that evening. And John is off that whole day. So, that just leaves you to make sure that you're not working that night."
"Oh...right." Kerry had been so sure that John would turn down Abby's offer of a foursome and now she found herself faced with the reality of it. She wasn't sure what to feel. It would be wonderful to be with John once again, but after the way he had been so adamant about not wanting sex without love, how would he react?
"It'll be at my place, eight o'clock. And you don't need to bring anything except yourself, okay?" Abby said.
Kerry nodded and excused herself, still not trusting herself to say too much. She had a little over a week to get herself mentally and emotionally prepared to see John again. Would it be enough time?
The rest of the day she had the strangest feeling that people were stealing glances at her whenever she walked through the ER. Nothing she could be certain of, just that tingling feeling on the back of her neck, or the way people seemed quick to turn away from her just as she met their gaze. Like they'd been staring at her moments before.
Did they know? Had Abby or Luka let something slip? Or John?
After the fourth time it happened, she turned to the small group gathered at the admit desk and snapped, "All right, what is it?"
They presented her with looks of fake innocence. "Uhh, what's what?" Malik asked in response.
"I ask a question and I get a question in return. Who are you, Socrates?" Kerry glared at them, all looking guiltily back at her. Except Randi, who ignored the whole thing, reading her magazine and chewing her gum. "What's going on?"
There was some hemming and hawing and shuffling of feet.
Singling out the one person she felt was most likely to be up to no good - as well as the one person who could never entirely escape her wrath - she growled, "Malucci...?"
Sure enough, he caved in. "Okay, don't get mad, Chief, but we were just saying... Well, there's this woman on that new game show who looks just like..."
"Don't do it, man," Malik muttered under his breath. "Don't be a hero."
"Okay, here, I'll prove it." Dave grabbed a piece of paper and a pencil and quickly scribbled a few words on it, then handed it to Kerry. "Just do me a favor? Say this one time, Chief."
Kerry glanced at the words he'd written, and exhaled in a mixture of relief and disgust. Relief that it had nothing to do with her upcoming four-way date, and disgust because these people had nothing better to do. "Grow up, willya, Dave?" She crumpled the paper and tossed it in the trash. "Okay, back to work, everybody. And Malik, stop encouraging him!"
"Hey, I had nothing to do with it...!" the nurse protested as he went on his way.
When everyone had departed, Randi fished the paper out of the trash and unfolded it curiously. " 'You are the weakest link, goodbye'?" she read aloud, scowling. "What the hell's that supposed to mean?"
******************************
Days passed, as days do. Although they saw a good deal of each other in the course of their working shifts, all four people had little interaction on a personal level. It was as if each one were keeping his or her distance from the others, holding back in anticipation of the final togetherness that lay in store. The calm, as it were, before the storm.
John Carter spent most of his free time at his grandmother's house, either with her or on his own. He seemed motivated when working, but otherwise quiet and subdued - neither cheerful nor depressed, but merely thoughtful. Almost contemplative. He took drug tests as required, without complaint, and passed each one. Mark spoke briefly with him on a couple of occasions, telling him how pleased everyone was with his progress and assuring him that the hospital management's confidence in him was high. Kerry was apparently unavailable to join them for those meetings.
Abby Lockhart went to meetings, but her schedule and John's differed enough that they were unable to go together. She saw him in passing, exchanging only a few words of general pleasantry, just enough to assure herself that he seemed well. She debated about whether to prepare a real meal for everyone that night, or maybe just coffee and snacks. She wasn't used to playing hostess for any real gatherings of people, but felt a certain pride in having been the one who initiated this gathering of her closest friends and lovers.
Luka Kovac got stuck with the night shifts for a few days, so he and Abby saw little of each other - it was the price he paid for arranging a day off at the same time as three particular other staff members. It wasn't the lack of sex during these days that bothered him, as he'd gone several years in celibacy following his wife's death, and he knew it would only be a few days before he had a chance to enjoy three different people at once. What concerned him was the emotional distance that had suddenly developed between John and himself, even in their few private moments together at work. The church literature didn't enlighten him much - he'd tried to read it, but couldn't really get into it, and ended up skimming it without much sense of its importance. He could only hope that John's general withdrawal was only temporary. For his own sake more than anyone else's.
Kerry Weaver became more brusque and businesslike than usual, more so with each day that brought her closer to the gathering. But on the inside, she felt more and more anxious with each passing hour. Less like an experienced, well-traveled medical expert than a young girl looking forward to a school dance with her big crush. Sex with either Luka Kovac or Abby Lockhart would be worth looking forward to, let alone both together. But the prospect of once again making love with John Carter... that thought alone filled her with a unique and lovely glow.
The only question was whether he would feel the same way after their parting. Could he get past the fact that she didn't love him? Or would he foolishly subscribe to Abby's insistent notion that she did? Was that why he had agreed to the foursome, because she'd convinced him that Kerry had lied to him about her lack of love?
Had she?
Following the loss of an elderly patient whose heart had finally given up the ghost, Kerry watched from a distance as a man in his forties held a woman of similar age, perhaps a wife or sister, as she cried. It sent Kerry into a memory that she secretly treasured, but rarely allowed herself to indulge in - a night when John had come home to find her crying in the living room. It was shortly after he'd first moved into the basement, and the strangeness of living with someone from work still hovered between them. She couldn't recall what had prompted the crying jag - maybe job stress, maybe loneliness, who could remember? But he'd caught her with her guard down, and she couldn't hide her tears. Instead of asking questions or excusing himself awkwardly, he did exactly the right thing and just held her without a word, letting her cry it out. When she was finished, she'd just whispered, "Thanks," and went to bed, and they'd never spoken of it again.
That, more than anything, was what Kerry missed about John. The simple, undemanding love he'd shown her. Sexual partners might come and go, but it was that sort of connection that made her...made her...
She couldn't say it. Not even silently, to herself. Michael had really done a number on her, sabotaging her relationships even now.
But even if she couldn't say it, or even think it, she knew. Now, at last, she knew.
"Dr. Weaver?"
If anyone else had interrupted her musings, she might have jumped, startled. But his voice blended seamlessly into her thoughts. "Carter. Hi, what do you need?"
"I got Mrs. Lansing admitted to Neuro," John said, his face tired without being really weary or run-down. "But they said they needed your authorization for it. Something about her coverage?"
"Okay, I'll talk to them." She smiled. "That was a good call on her case, John. A lot of people would have missed that."
"Thank you." He returned her smile, meeting her eyes directly for what felt like the first time in weeks. The way they'd met their first night together. There was a long, pregnant pause...
Carter's pager went off, breaking the mood. He checked it and sighed. "Ahh, it's that abdominal case. I told them to page me when his labs were back."
"Well, you'd probably better get to it, then," she said easily. "And I should get back to my files..."
"Okay." He paused before turning to leave, looking at her once more, and she saw something in his eyes. "Thanks, Kerry," he said, and left.
He'd reached a decision. She could see that, and even without knowing what it was, she felt happy for him. The same kind of happiness she'd felt when Peter Benton called, saying John had checked into Atlanta, but without the crushing despair that accompanies such sad circumstances. All she felt now was a sudden sense that John would be all right now that he'd made his choice.
In that instant, she knew she'd made her own choice, too.
************************
Tonight was the night.
After much consideration and considerable waffling, Abby had elected to forego a big dinner or whatever and just have food on hand in case anyone got hungry as things went on. Some cold cuts and such, maybe. Then there'd been her inner debate about music - should she put some on the stereo, or would that be too hokey? And if she did, what to put on? Light jazz, symphony, easy listening or new age? She finally solved the problem by stacking a selection of tapes by the stereo and deciding she'd ask Kerry to choose something when she arrived. Having seen from her evening at Kerry's house that she had a CD collection to die for, Abby guessed she'd have the best judgment in musical tastes of the four of them.
Strangely, dithering over these kinds of details was a source of fun for Abby, rather than stress or tension. It was all coming together at last, just like she'd planned. All four of them at once. Two men, two women, one room, no rules. That's entertainment.
She was still smiling to herself, alternately giggling and humming when she heard the knocking at her apartment door.
Abby was surprised to open the door and see John standing there. He and Kerry weren't supposed to be there for another two hours yet. "John, hi, come on in. You're a bit early."
John entered the apartment, then took a deep breath. "I came by to explain to you why I won't be here tonight. Or any other night, Abby."
"You won't...?" Abby blinked several times as John's words sunk in. Then she shook her head. "What's wrong? Has something happened?"
John nodded. "Yeah, something's happened. Can we sit down?"
"Sure." Abby closed the door, then joined John on the couch. He had taken off his coat and was trying his best to look relaxed, but she could tell he was nervous. "Do you want something to drink? Soda? Water? Coffee?"
"No, thank you. I'm fine. Abby...I've been doing a lot of thinking since the other night when we had sex after the AA meeting. It was impulsive of me to agree to the foursome. I was overcome by the idea of being here with Kerry and you and Luka, but it's not right. Remember the literature they gave us that night? The biography of St. Augustine?"
"Vaguely. I threw my copy out, but Luka was reading his, I think." A wave of impatience and irritation flashed through her as this unexpected development, but she forced it down. "What does that have to do with tonight? Are you suddenly becoming religious on me, John?"
"Not really. I mean, I believe in God and all that, but this isn't about sin, Abby. It's about love. True love. You see, even though St. Augustine did everything his mother wanted, lived his life for her, he still had a true love. He had an affair that last nearly 15 years, Abby. He kept a mistress by his side, even while he was writing and growing strong. But he never managed to do what his mother wanted him most to do -- and that was to devote his entire life to the church. And that was because he had this true love with him, a woman who was the mother of his child. So finally it came down to getting married, a compromise his mother endorsed. But the woman left. We don't know why -- the biographer doesn't know why. History didn't even bother to record her name, as if she never mattered. But she did matter, Abby. She mattered a lot. She left St. Augustine and her son and went back home. And once true love was out of his life, St. Augustine had nothing there to distract him. He was able to give his full attention to God and the church. There was no casual sex for him, no parties, no orgies. Nothing like that. No seeking out a woman to take her place. Once his true love was gone, that was it for him."
Abby pursed her lips as she listened to John, trying to quell her disappointment and read between the lines of what he was saying. "So, you're telling me that you've decided to devote your entire life to medicine now?"
John shook his head. "No. I guess I'm not telling this very well. What I'm trying to say, Abby, is that sex without love is meaningless to me. I mean, I care about you and Luka. You've been great friends to me and I love you like friends. But that's as far as it goes. I don't feel about you the way I feel about Kerry. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. And she doesn't feel that way about me. For me to come here tonight, knowing she feels that way...well, it would be empty for me, Abby. And I'm so damn tired of feeling empty. For a while there, I didn't feel empty with Kerry. I guess that the imagination can overcome a lot, because I really believed that she cared for me. That she loved me the same way I love her. I was obviously wrong."
John took another deep breath. "I don't want sex, Abby. I want to make love. And I can't do that unless Kerry is making love to me." He shook his head, smiling. "The sex with you and Luka is great, but it's not enough. And I don't want to waste my life away by accepting things that aren't enough. If I can't have true love, then I don't want any of it. Now, I don't know if that means I'll end up celibate my whole life. Probably not." He laughed at that idea. "But it does mean that I will not have casual sex. The next time I have sex, it will be so much more than sex, Abby. I want to make love to a person I love. I want to feel the love emanating from that person. I don't know if that will happen with a woman or a man. Being with Luka has opened up new avenues for me, that's for sure. But, I do know that it will be a while before I'm ready to go out looking. I'm going to take my time, let my spirit heal a bit before I go looking for a person, be it man or woman, to take the place of Kerry in my heart."
John got to his feet and grabbed his coat. "I'm sorry if this ruins your plans, Abby. But there's just no way that I can be here tonight."
Abby nodded mutely, then got to her feet to walk him to the door. "I'll try to explain that to Kerry and Luka." Kerry was still at work, and Abby had dispatched Luka to pick up a deli spread for their gathering, so she had a while to figure out a way to tell them both what John had told her.
At the door, Abby reached up and gently touched John's cheek. "Are you sure you're okay with this? We don't want you to be alone." Please change your mind, she thought silently. Don't walk away now, when we're so close...
John clasped Abby's hand, holding it next to his cheek for a bit and then kissing it before letting go. "I'm not alone, Abby. I have friends who care, and that means a lot to me. I'll be fine. I really will be. I will always treasure my memories of being with you and Luka, but I don't want to make new ones. Please don't take that as a rejection of you two, because it's not. It's just that I'm looking for so much more, and neither one of you can give me what I need, what I want, right now." John leaned down and tenderly kissed Abby on the mouth. "I'll see you around, right?"
Abby nodded, trying to put a brave face on it. "Of course. The only thing that's changed between us is that there'll be no more sex, right?" She asked, hopeful that their friendship would continue. However John's choice might affect her personal plans, she knew that there was no question of arguing with him. She had to support him, as a sponsor or as a friend.
"You bet." John smiled, then turned and walked toward the elevator, not daring to look back at Abby. He really did feel at peace with his decision. If there was no love, then there was no reason for the sex. It was a simple decision and one he should have made a long time ago, although when he was honest with himself he couldn't deny that he had enjoyed the sex. But it had been the feelings of friendship that had made the sex so special.
Now, if only he could find a woman who would love him in the same way he loved her, then he would be truly happy. At one time he had thought that woman was Kerry Weaver, but he had been wrong. So, he would take the time to let his emotional wounds heal and then he would be ready to find that love. He deserved it.