"Desperately Seeking, Part One"
by Cathy and Melissa
I don't know how long I stood at the window, not really seeing the night. I could only see that morning and the horrible pain of watching Chloe take Suzi away. There was a knock on the door and I ignored it. This was my grief and private Hell and I had no desire to either hide it or share it. It had to be Mark, I thought as I heard another knock. He knew I was feeling down. Sighing, I answered the door. I had been wrong. It wasn't Mark. It was probably the only other person at the hospital who was ever attuned to my feelings - John Carter. He didn't come empty handed either; in one hand, he had a large bag of Chinese takeout. In the other, a bottle of wine.
"I hope you're hungry, cause I can't eat all that," I said, smiling despite my pain.
He laughed; his voice rich and mellow. "I have been known to eat more than this from time to time. I figured you might not be up to cooking tonight."
"You figured that right." I suddenly realized that I did not want to be alone. Suzi would surround me if I were alone. I stood aside and invited him inside.
As I prepared to set the table, he stopped me.
"I brought chop sticks. I thought it might be fun to eat straight out of the containers."
"Slumming, are we?" I doubted if he had ever eaten off of anything but the finest china while growing up.
"I've learned that it keeps more dishes clean this way," he grinned.
"What, you pay the maid per dish or something?" It was so easy to joke around with Carter. He had always been able to put me at ease. The only thing you had to watch out for when you were around Carter was making the joke too personal. Those tended to wound him deeply. Then again, any little criticism seemed to have that effect upon him. The wrong word or look would instantly wound him. Especially if the person who said that word or gave him that look was Benton. Those egotists up in surgery didn't know what they had with Carter - he's turned into quite a fine doctor despite their attempts to turn him into a surgeon. Benton sure as Hell has never had a clue as to Carter's true worth.
We drank our wine from plastic cups and attempted to eat with the chopsticks. Carter managed both a lot better than I did. I did discover that the steamed dumplings and sweet and sour pork could be easily speared with a chopstick. Carter seemed to find that to be some violation of Chinese eating etiquette or something, but he didn't turn me down when I fed him dumplings off of my chopstick.
Carter had appointed himself the keeper of the wine and I found myself continually asking him to pour me more. He would only give me half a cup or less at a time. He wasn't nearly as stingy with himself. It later occurred to me that he had seen how depressed I was and didn't want me getting too drunk. He was probably right to keep that from happening. I had cleared out my liquor supply when Chloe moved in with me and I had yet to replace any of it. I had a very nice buzz going and wanted to make it even better. Hell, I wanted to get falling down drunk so that I wouldn't have to remember the sound of Suzi's laugh or the way she smelled right after her bath.
So, I ended up with a light buzz and one drunken med student on my hands. I couldn't let him even think about driving home, so I lead him over to the couch and put him to bed. Or should I say that I attempted to put him to bed. Several times in fact.
Carter is very much a gentleman, even when he's drunk. However, when he's drunk he is not shy about asking for what he wants. He refused to stay put unless I kissed him. Finally, tired of arguing with him, I relented. I intended to kiss his cheek. At least I think that's what I intended. I know that he didn't move, so it had to have been me who made sure that my kiss ended up on his lips. A feeling ran through my body then - something along the lines of when you get a slight electrical shock and feel tingly all over. I jumped back; praying that he would stay put this time. Thankfully, he did.
I retreated to the kitchen and put on a pot of coffee. I needed the caffeine. Needed to sober up. Carter would be needing some coffee too. I didn't want to think about that jolt of electricity that I had felt. The memory of a not so distant Christmas Eve was knocking around my brain. His kisses then had been great, but this latest kiss had been even better. I was trying to convince myself that it had just been my imagination. After all, Carter didn't comment upon it. A little voice inside my head asked why I would imagine having a spark like that with Carter. Wasn't it true that every day I had to deny my attraction to Mark? For a long time now, I had wanted Mark to be more than just a good friend, but it didn't look as if that was going to ever happen. He simply did not feel that way about me. But, Carter - Carter was another story altogether. For one, I wasn't attracted to Carter that way. No way. I mean, Carter is sweet and generous. Kind and compassionate. Lean and sexy. I looked over to the couch. He was curled up in a ball, his thick brown hair cascading down over his brow and covering his eyes. He was asleep and his lips were slightly parted. Most definitely sexy.
Boy, I really needed that coffee. I checked to see if it was ready - it wasn't. I made a mess attempting to get a cup of it anyway. I drank it straight, letting its heat and bitter taste chase the cobwebs from my mind. I looked back at Carter, seeing that he was still asleep. I must still be drunk, I thought. But, two cups of coffee and one full bladder later, I was cold sober and he was still sexy.
After going to the bathroom, I went back to the living room and curled up in the chair. I knew I should have awakened him, poured coffee down his throat until he was sober, then kicked him out the door. I knew that. I also knew that it had been a long time since a man had kissed me like he really meant it. It was ironic that the last man who had kissed me like that had been Carter. It had been even longer since a man had held me and made love to me. I mentally cursed Chloe for preventing us from getting any further than heavy necking and petting two Christmas' ago. Things would have turned out a lot different that's for sure. I had been hurting then, stung over Div's rejection. Falling into bed with Carter had not been on my agenda, but I was willing to go for it anyway.
It shouldn't be on my agenda now, I told myself, but he looked so damn cute and sexy on my couch.
I was hurting now from an almost unbearable loss. This was a pain that just might be eased in the arms of a certain tall, dark and handsome man. I left the chair and knelt by the couch. As I reached out to cradle his head in my hands, I told myself that Susan Lewis didn't do impetuous things like this. I told myself that I didn't have any romantic feelings for Carter. Hell, I couldn't even feel comfortable calling him by his first name. Never had. Then I told myself that men who give you goose bumps when you kiss them don't come along every day and that I shouldn't ignore this one. I knew I was taking advantage of him. Sober, Carter would not end up in my bed. He respected me too much for that and would feel that my grief and pain would be the reason I wanted him. He would never take advantage of that. I'm not as noble as Carter.
I leaned forward and kissed him again, letting my tongue slide through his still parted lips, tasting wine and something sweet inside his mouth. Sweet and sour sauce probably, I thought. He stirred, but I didn't release him. His eyes fluttered open and I gazed into those chocolate brown orbs, watching them turn from dazed confusion to smoldering desire within seconds. His arms encircled me, pulling me onto his body as he rolled over onto his back. God, he felt good. The body under me was solid and warm, even through his clothing. I wanted that clothing gone, just as he wanted mine gone. His hands were busy though, caressing my breasts through my shirt. I needed to feel his hands on my skin. I sat upright, realizing that I was straddling his groin and he was hard under those pants. Hard under me. I pulled off my shirt and tossed it aside, then removed my bra. He looked at me for a long time, not saying anything or even attempting to touch me. Finally he smiled.
"Perfect. I knew they were perfect, even though I never got to fully see them before." His hands reached up and cupped each breast. They were made for each other - his hands and my breasts. At first, he just kept his hands there, and then he shifted his hands and let his thumbs slowly brush across my nipples. They had sprung to life the minute I had noticed he was hard, but now they began to ache from my desire. I wanted this man who lay below me and I wanted him five minutes ago. I began to unbutton his shirt, revealing a smooth chest. Not overly muscled. So, he didn't work out at a gym or at home. Not many medical students or residents have the time for that. Yet, he wasn't flabby. Not by a long shot. His chest felt good beneath my hands and when my thumbs brushed across his nipples I heard a sharp intake of breath followed by a low moan. I had found something he liked.
I had once read that the key to knowing what will turn on a man is to copy what he does to you during foreplay. It appeared as if the book was not wrong. Delighted with my find, I leaned down and took one of his nipples into my mouth, toying with it.
His reaction was gratifying to say the least.
"Oh God, Susan. Don't stop", he breathed.
I had no intention of stopping now. I knew what I wanted and nothing, but absolutely nothing was going to keep me from my goal. Well, the delightful distraction that he provided when he captured one of my nipples with his mouth did make me forget about my goal for a short time. But, the feelings he was awakening inside of me reminded me that I wanted him in my bed tonight. He moved his mouth from my nipple, lightly kissing my breasts as his hands undid my pants, lowering the zipper and then pushing them down my hips.
Not to be outdone, I reluctantly got off of him. Our eyes were locked as I undressed completely, not feeling any shame or unease about standing there in front of him naked. I held out my hand and he took it, letting me help him to his feet.
He wasn't too wobbly and I began to suspect that he wasn't as drunk as I had assumed. He quickly shed his clothing. Lord, but he looked good. The smile on his face and in his eyes as his gaze went from my head to my toes and back again told me that he thought I looked pretty good, too.
Without a word, he scooped me into his arms, cradling me against his body for a few moments. I put my arms around his neck, burying my face in the smooth skin of his shoulder. His scent was a mixture of soap and musk and I inhaled deeply as if I couldn't get enough of it.
"Susan," he said his voice deep with desire.
I looked up at him, wanting to lose myself in his eyes.
"Are you sure?" he asked.
I nodded. "I think you know where my bed is." Oh, real smooth, Susan, I thought. Why don't you just say the first stupid thing that pops into your head? He had sat at the table for dinner, looking straight into my bedroom. Of course he knew where the bed was.
"Do you have any protection?" Not, are you protected from getting pregnant, but can I protect you. His voice had sounded anxious, so I hurried to reassure him. We needed to get into that bedroom.
"Yes. I do have condoms in the bedroom."
With a smile on his face, he carried me into my bedroom and gently lowered me to the bed. I didn't want to let go of him. Despite the fact that I desperately wanted to feel his kisses and caresses on the rest of my body, I wanted to kiss him again. Wanted to feel that jolt of whatever it was that had hit me before.
Before I could tell him what I wanted, his head dipped down and he slowly kissed me, then grazed my jawline with his lips. His lips were feather soft as they played along my skin and he gradually worked his way down to my neck. I shivered as his tongue softly tickled my skin. An aching need throbbed within my body and felt myself becoming wetter. Entirely of their own accord, my legs parted slightly, inviting him inside. His hand barely skimmed my stomach, then grazed my hip before finding a resting place on my pubic mound. The heat from his hand fed upon the heat inside of me, despite the fact that at that moment, he wasn't doing anything.
"Oh, Susan," he whispered as he ducked his head out of my embrace and ran his tongue down my chest until it found an already hard nipple. Carter didn't just suckle there, he worshipped. His every move seemed to be aimed at one objective - making love to me. I had never felt more special than I did at that moment. As his mouth lavished further attention upon my breast, his hand finally slipped lower and his fingers gained entrance. Moaning, I opened my legs wider, wanting him. Needing to feel any part of him inside my body.
I savored the sensations that spread through my body. My entire world had been reduced to this one man, his mouth and his hands. I remember crying out as he pulled away from me, but when his mouth replaced his hand, I was left speechless. I'm not a loose woman, but, I've had my share of lovers and oral sex. It had never been like that before. The electricity that had run between us when we kissed was now present in the most intimate kiss of all. I could feel my desire rising along with the tension in my body and I longed for the sweet release of my orgasm. Carter toyed with me, bringing me to the brink, then backing off. He did this several times, subjecting me to a most delightful torment. I was totally caught off-guard when his assault upon my senses quickened and my orgasm crashed over me. Breathless, I lay upon the covers, quivering. Of all the things I could have been thinking about at that moment, the one I chose was "Thank you, Harper Tracy, for breaking up with him." She had been a fool to toss aside a man like this. Well, I had no intention of letting Carter go to waste.
He stretched out over me, warming my body without crushing me. As we kissed I wrapped my hand around his hardness, torn between my desire to have him in me and the desire to please him as he had just pleased me. He made the decision for me when he raised up on his arms and asked where the condoms were. Following my directions, he retrieved one from the drawer of my bed side table.
I sat up and took it from him, leaning over to lightly graze the tip of his penis with my tongue, making him moan before I placed the condom on him.
As I lay back down, he positioned himself between my legs once more, letting his mouth linger over my breasts before he entered me with a slow, but long stroke that buried him completely inside of me. He paused, then began a rhythm that I eagerly met. Even in this act, his goal was to find the right position in which to please me. The contact was intoxicating and I found myself riding the waves of please once again. As my orgasm neared, his breathing became ragged and I was sure that he would come first. I could feel his body shudder as he moaned and even though he was still for a few seconds, he did not come. I remember hearing stories from girls in college about guys who would have an orgasm without ejaculating, then being able to continue with what they were doing until the girl was ready to come. I had dismissed their stories as fantasies or wishful thinking on their parts. As another orgasm swept over my body, I knew that their stories had been true and I was thankful to find myself under a man like that at that moment. Carter paused in his movements long enough for me to catch my breath, then he resumed his love making. This time, he came with a final thrust and a cry that took my breath away.
He went to the bathroom to dispose of the condom and I crawled under the covers. The clock caught my eye and I was startled to see that I had spent close to two hours without thinking about Suzi. I burst into tears then, my loss deep and raw. I felt Carter's weight upon the bed and then his strong arms enfolded me, pulling me close. I clung to him and he quietly held me, stroking my hair or my shoulders, occasionally kissing the top of my head. He never once told me that everything would be all right or that I should quit crying. I was so grateful to him for those small favors. Once again, he had proved to me that he knew my feelings and had no intention of ignoring them. Bless him, he even handed me tissue after tissue, although I had no idea where he got them from.
As my tears ceased, I felt exhausted and embarrassed. I look horrible when I cry - my eyes and nose get red and my skin becomes blotchy. Not an attractive sight.
"Thank you," I said, not wanting to look up at him. Not wanting him to see how awful I looked.
Carter put his hand under my chin and gently tilted my head up until our eyes met. "No. I should thank you."
He didn't care that he was in bed with Medusa. I knew he once had a crush on me and I suspected he still did. You know, one of those "She's my dream, but I know I don't have a chance with her, so I'll just settle for being her friend" type of crush. Not that I'm claiming to be a stunning woman with super-model good looks, but I've known Carter long enough to know he would think that way. Especially since I had rebuffed his earlier advances. Really dumb move on my part, that was for sure, considering how satisfied he had made me feel.
"Can you stay?" I asked, like the way his eyes lit up at my question.
"If you want."
"I do. I'm glad you came by tonight. It was really nice of you to bring me food and stuff. I really liked it." I could feel myself blushing then. He laughed and brushed the hair back from my face.
"I'm glad I decided to come by and I'm happy you liked everything."
"Well, saying that I liked everything might be an understatement."
"There were a few times there when you were getting pretty vocal," he grinned.
"Not you though. I guess you're just one of those strong, silent types, huh?"
"Well, in order to last like that, I have to concentrate so hard that there's no room for talking."
I grinned slowly, letting my hand drift down his thigh. "I guess we should find something for you to do that doesn't involve concentration."
His smile penetrated my soul and I had to close my eyes for a moment, afraid that I would get lost in that smile. I lowered my head and took him into my mouth, caressing his balls with one hand while clasping the shaft of his penis firmly with the other. I could feel his fingers upon my skin as he lightly touched my shoulder, then my hair and my shoulder again. I was surprised at how quickly he hardened and I hoped that he would relax and let himself enjoy the sensation of being pleasured. I wanted to treat him the same as he had treated me - giving all of my attention to what it took to make love to him. He cried out my name as he climaxed and I couldn't help but feel proud that I had done that for him.
Afterward, he held me tightly and we fell asleep, both of us contented.
I can't say that we dated each other after that. We certainly made enough love with each other though. I quickly came to enjoy being at his apartment. There was nothing there to remind me of little Suzi and I found it much easier to relax in his bed. I alternated between wanting to tell everyone that we were involved to praying that no one discovered our affair. After all, he was still a student and I was a resident. Even though he was going to graduate soon, our relationship, such as it was, could ruin my career.
His graduation passed without incident and without him. He ended up staying at the hospital to keep a young girl company. Later in the day, just as he was about to go home, a trauma came in and I called him to help. It was nice to call him "Doctor Carter" and he was justifiably proud to hear that. He was great in the trauma, but then again, in my opinion he was always great at work. And in bed.
There was a short break for the recent grads before they had to report for their year of internship. Carter and I saw each other often, but it was becoming obvious to me that our relationship could not continue on this way. Something had to give. I was too much of a coward to try to have a normal relationship with Carter, so I took the coward's way out and told him that we would be better off if we didn't see each other any more. I explained that I wanted to remain friends and he seemed to accept that. I even managed to believe him when he said he understood and agreed with me that we were better off as friends.
Then I looked into his eyes and knew the truth. I had hurt him deeply. And there was no way to undo that hurt. Still, I knew that ending our affair had been the fair thing to do - I was still mixed up about how I felt about Mark. About Suzi being with Chloe. How I felt about Carter was also an issue. Did I love him? I thought I loved Mark. I wasn't sure about anything.
Carter was just as good a friend as he had been before. He kept my secret as I planned to move to Phoenix. He even helped me pack and I could tell that he was hoping for something more to happen besides filling boxes with all my worldly goods. I wanted it too, but I didn't make any moves in that direction and he never pushed. I guess we were both fools.
He even presented me with a moving present - his red handcuffs. I had secretly given them to him as a joke one Valentine's Day. Looking into his eyes, I could see that he had always known where the handcuffs had come from.
"Maybe if you use these, you'll finally catch that elusive man you want so much," he said to me, giving me a chaste kiss on my cheek.
It took all the control I had to not pull him to the floor at that moment.
And so I left Chicago on a train. Mark came running after me, to finally admit to me that he loved me. We kissed. Finally. I told him I loved him, too. But, I still left. As I sank into my seat I found myself wondering if I would have stayed if it had been Carter who had run after me, declaring his love for me on the platform. I found myself nodding, then felt guilty for the inadvertent admission. I was going to Phoenix to start a new life and neither Mark nor Carter had a place in that life. It was a good lie and I was sure that I would be able to believe it for little while at least. My biggest problem was that I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to believe it.