"Desperately Seeking, Conclusion"
by Cathy and Melissa
The second I stepped through the doors of the ER I knew I had come home. Everything about the place - from the smells to the unchanged décor - seemed comforting. County never had much money to spare for maintenance and the ER always seemed to draw the short stick for funds.
I spied a very familiar face behind the admit desk and confidently approached him.
"Hello, Jerry," I said, thrilled to see how surprised and genuinely pleased he was to see me.
"Dr. Lewis! What brings you back to Chicago?"
That question should have set off the alarms in my head, but it didn't. There was no immediate correction of my name. No are you looking for Carter? None of that. It was when Kerry saw me and looked so shocked that I realized something wasn't right.
"Susan, what a surprise. You haven't come back on staff without telling us, have you?"
It hit me then. Hit me hard. Carter had not told anyone we were married. There I was, coming in person to tell him he was going to be a father, and I found that he had kept quiet about us. I felt so many emotions at once - hurt, anger, betrayal. To keep from crying, I decided to focus on the anger.
"Actually, I'm just here visiting and thought I'd drop by to see how Carter's doing. Is he around?" I had called earlier and already determined he was on duty, but it was the best lie I could come up with on such short notice.
"He's with a patient right now, but he should be finished shortly," she replied.
"I can wait. It'll give me a chance to catch up with everyone."
And boy did I ever catch up. Carol was huge, pregnant with twins and positively radiant. Lydia was still happily married to Al. Conni eagerly shared pictures of her children. Her youngest had grown as much as Suzi had. Benton was a surprise, whipping out pictures of his own son. I remembered Carter writing to tell me that Benton had a son, but Carter never went into further details and it had slipped my mind. The most surprising thing about seeing Peter was that he smiled warmly at me and we had a pleasant conversation. Everyone made appropriate noises over the photos of Suzi. I felt like screaming out my news, wanting everyone to know I was pregnant and happy about it. At least I had been happy when I walked through the door. No, I was happy about being pregnant, I decided. It was the baby's father that I wasn't happy about.
Then I saw Mark walk in. I had been nervous about how I would feel when I saw him again, but it wasn't so bad. He was in the company of a vivacious redhead who he introduced as Elizabeth Corday, a surgeon from England who had been at County for two years now. I could tell by their body language that they were a couple and that they were happy. All that I got from seeing Mark was a warm feeling of friendship and I was pleased at that.
I was still talking with Mark and Elizabeth when I felt Carter enter the area. I turned around just in time to see a look of panic in his eyes. I pasted a smile on my lips and walked over to him.
"We need to talk. Privately."
He nodded. "We can go outside."
"I'll see you around, Mark. Elizabeth, it was nice meeting you." With their eyes upon us, Carter and I went out to sit on a bench.
"I wasn't expecting you," he said, not having enough courage to look at me as he spoke.
"I wanted to surprise you, but it seems as if I'm the one who got the surprise. No one here knows we're married. Why? Are you ashamed of being married to me?"
His head jerked up, worry in his eyes. "God, no! Susan, don't ever think that. I would never be ashamed of being married to you."
"Then what's going on here? We got married and I changed my name. My mailbox reads Susan Carter. My badge reads Susan Carter. My resume reads Susan Carter. Are you involved with someone else? Is that the problem?"
"No. You're my wife. I would never cheat on you."
"No one here knows that."
"I added you to my insurance coverage."
He sounded so factual that I wanted to smack him upside his head. Instead, I kept quiet, knowing that my silence would drive him crazy. It worked.
"Susan, being married to you has been like having a dream come true. It really has. I'll never forget the way you looked on our wedding day, or how I felt." His eyes bored into mine as he spoke. "I was so proud and honored that you wanted me to be your husband."
"So proud that you couldn't be bothered to tell anyone here that we married? What about your family, Carter? Have you told them?"
"No," he looked at the ground as he softly answered me.
"Why? Will you please just tell me why?" I was getting angrier by the minute, hurting even more because I did not understand what was going on with him. I was determined not to cry in front of him though, no matter what it took.
Carter continued to stare at the ground for a long time and I was beginning to think that he was never going to give me an answer. When he did say something, his voice was so low that I couldn't hear him.
"Say that again," I said.
He looked up at me, his eyes shiny with tears. "I didn't tell anyone because I knew that sooner or later you would come to your senses and realize that you had been too impulsive. Giving you a divorce would be much easier if no one else knew what I was losing."
Damn his insecurities! Did he really think that I didn't love him? That I had married him on a whim? Okay, so I did marry him on a whim, but I did love him very much. Why did he find it so hard to believe that he deserved to be loved?
"John, I knew exactly what I was doing when I asked you to marry me," I began, using his first name because I knew that would grab his attention and maybe make him listen. "I've not regretted asking you and I certainly have no intention of asking you for a divorce. I've been working my butt off to find a job up here so we can be together as a family."
"Really?" he brightened considerably. "You were serious about wanting to move back here?"
I smiled and gave him a quick kiss. "Yes, I was serious. I was mainly looking for a position in another hospital, but under the circumstances, I think I might look for a spot in a private practice."
"What circumstances?" he frowned.
I draped my arms around his shoulders. "I came here to tell you in person that in seven months from now, you are going to be a father."
He looked stunned. "A father? You're pregnant? How? No, I know how. What I mean is when?"
"I think it was the day you arrived on my doorstep. We didn't use any protection, remember?"
"A baby," he grinned broadly, then stood and swept me up into his arms. "I love you."
"I love you, too. Now, I think you had better start telling people that we're married."
"I can do that. I'm sorry I doubted you."
"You're forgiven this time. Just don't let it happen again."
"I'll do my best. I promise."
"Good. You can put me down now."
He shook his head, his eyes twinkling with mischief. "I intend to introduce my wife to everyone."
With that, he carried me back into the E.R. Jaws dropped to the floor at our reappearance and I swear that I have never heard it get as quiet as it did when Carter told everyone I was his wife and had been his wife for the past two months. It was Kerry, of all people, who broke the silence and congratulated us. She looked and sounded as if she meant it, too. Carter finally put me down, mostly so he could accept hugs from all the women.
Mark came up to me, a smile on his face. Neither one of us harbored any ill feelings over what might have been possible between us. We were each happy and that was all that mattered.
Less than an hour later, Carter was off from work. He told Kerry that we'd see her at home and we left. I had never even seen a picture of Kerry's house, but when I got there I discovered that Carter's written descriptions had been right on target. I think I could have even found my way around her kitchen if I needed to.
Carter got my suitcase from the rental car and led me down to his room.
"Are you hungry? It isn't good for expecting women to put off eating. When did you last eat?" he asked, in full doctor mode.
"I ate on the train, and I'm not hungry." I stifled a yawn. I was definitely tired, but I didn't want to sleep. It had been two months since I had last been with my husband and I wanted nothing more than to get him into bed.
We stood there in his basement staring at each other and losing all track of time. We simply drank each other in, relishing what had been absent for so long. I closed the gap between us and our bodies merged together, our lips seeking purchase, our hands working to rid each other of our clothing. Once bared, he took a step back and placed a warm hand over my belly.
"A baby," he grinned. "Our very own baby."
"Yeah, it's exciting, isn't it?"
"Oh, yeah," he breathed, his excitement very evident. He pulled me close, holding me snug against his body. "You are so beautiful, Susan. I want a little girl that looks just like you."
"I think it's too late to put in your request; this baby's sex and looks have already been determined."
"Humor me then. What do you want?"
"You," I whispered as my lips played over his collarbone. "I want you now."
"Oh, well, I think I can honor that request." He lowered his head to mine and we kissed deeply.
My hands worked on autopilot, seeking out his most sensitive areas and doing the things he liked best. His response was immediate and his need was as great as mine. We fell onto the bed, his body cradling mine. There was no need for foreplay as we were both ready for each other. I slipped onto him and we made love - frantic and fast. He tried his best to keep from coming, wanting me to have an orgasm first, but it didn't work out that way. Not that I really cared. We would have plenty of opportunities to make love in his bed.
We curled up under the covers, content to be with each other. I even fell asleep for a short time. When I awoke, he was also asleep. He looked so young and innocent. I smiled as I acknowledged that my husband was anything but innocent. It still saddened me that he had doubted my love for him. How hard it must have been for him to return here wondering when I was going to call and ask for a divorce. How sad it was that he didn't feel as if he deserved to be loved. If anyone deserved that, Carter did.
An idea formed in my mind and I slipped out of bed and quietly opened my suitcase. I got what I wanted and returned to his side. His eyes fluttered open when he heard the handcuffs click shut.
"What?" He broke into a grin. "You brought those?" His eyes twinkled with delight and I could see he was remembering what happened the last time those handcuffs were on his wrists. His expression changed quickly as he watched me attach the other end to my wrist.
"Do you remember what you told me when you gave these to me?" I asked.
"Vaguely. Something about you finally catching that elusive man you had always wanted."
I nodded. "I have done just that. The last time I used these on you, I thought that I would never let you go. I think that my mistake then was that I only put them on you. Now, I have chained you to me."
"And you'll never let me go?" he asked. He was trying to keep his tone playful, but I could see in his eyes that he was serious.
"Never." I leaned over to kiss him. "I will never tire of you, nor will I love you any less than I do today, John Carter."
"It sounds strange to have you call me John. It always has."
"Does it bother you?"
He shook his head. "No. It never really bothered me that you called me Carter. But, then, nothing you ever did bothered me."
He gasped then and his eyes opened wide. "Well," he squeaked," that tends to get me bothered."
"So I've noticed. And this? Does this get you bothered as well?"
He closed his eyes, an odd expression on his face. "Oh yeah."
"Good." I smiled. Then it was my turn to gasp out loud.
"Does this still get you bothered?" he asked with a smile.
"Oh yeah," I breathed.
The logistics of making love while handcuffed to each other was a challenge, but we happily found a way to do it.
As we finished, I collapsed against Carter's chest, totally spent. He wrapped
his arms around me and kissed my shoulder.
"Tired?"
"A little."
"Then I should let you get some rest. I don't want to do anything that will endanger our baby," he kissed me again, then rolled over so that I was now beside him. "Where's the key?"
"It's in the pocket of my skirt." We both looked over to where our clothing was in a pile on the floor. "I'm closest to it, so I'll get it."
"I think that we'll both have to get it."
He scooted over to my side of the bed and we both walked over to the pile of clothing. I quickly found my skirt, but the key wasn't in the pocket. We checked all the clothes, thinking it might have fallen out. No dice. Then panic began to set it. It's one thing to tell someone that you want to be handcuffed to them for the rest of your life, but it's quite a scary feeling to realize that it just might happen.
"Susan, calm down. The key has to be somewhere down here. You're tired from your trip to Chicago and you need a nap. Let's get back in bed, get a little bit of sleep, and then we'll look for it again."
"And what if it isn't down here?" I asked. How was I going to go to the bathroom? Or even get dressed?
"It's here. Trust me," he tenderly kissed me as we stood. He was right. The key had to be in his room somewhere. I let him lead me back to the bed and we crawled in. He covered me, then snuggled up to me as I fell asleep.
I awoke when I heard someone calling my name. It wasn't Carter. It was a female voice. Kerry Weaver's voice to be exact. Carter stirred beside me as he heard his name called.
"I'm awake." He yelled.
"Good. Do you two want to order out for dinner?" she called down.
John glanced over at me and raised his eyebrows questioningly.
"That would be fine." I yelled back.
"Pizza? Chinese? Italian?"
They all sounded really good to me. "Chinese."
"Okay. I'll call."
We heard the door close and I broke into a fit of giggles.
"What's so funny?" Carter asked.
"I was just thinking of the first time we had Chinese food together."
He grinned. "Yeah. That turned out pretty good, didn't it? It brought us to this." He gently caressed the barely discernable roundness of our child.
"We need to find that key," I said, tossing the covers back. He had no choice but to follow me out of the bed.
We managed to work together well enough to get pants on, and then we searched the floor. We searched the bed. We searched the entire basement. Finally, we sat back on the bed, discouraged. We really were chained to each other for life.
The door to the basement opened and Kerry called down. "It's here."
"Um, Kerry, we can't come up there right now." Carter hollered.
"I thought you guys were hungry?"
"We are," he agreed. "We just can't come upstairs. Can you leave it on the top step?"
I punched his arm, not believing that he would ask that. Then I thought that it really was a good idea. I was starving and willing to eat off of the stairs if I had to.
"Is everything okay down there?" Kerry actually sounded worried.
"Um, yeah. We're both okay." I called out.
"Something's wrong," she replied.
"We're sorta stuck together," Carter said.
"I see. I guess that explains the key I found on the kitchen floor." I swear there was a giggle in her voice.
"Most likely," Carter yelled.
"Shall I throw it down or do you want to come up and get it?"
"Here. Wrap this around your chest," Carter thrust a towel at me, then helped me secure it.
"We're coming to get it. Do not throw it anywhere," I called.
We got to the top of the stairs and the door. Kerry was leaning against her kitchen island, a smirk on her face. She burst into laughter when she saw we were handcuffed together.
"Don't say a word," I threatened, holding out my hand for the key.
"Not a single one," she agreed. She dropped the key into my hand. I gazed at it lovingly. It was the key to the handcuffs. I quickly released my wrist, then went downstairs to finish dressing. As I reached the bottom of the steps I could hear Carter calling out to me.
"Susan, you took the key. Bring it back."
I grinned as I pocketed the key. I would definitely consider
the idea of releasing him. Right after dinner.
So that's how your Mommy and Daddy came about, little one. I'll tell you about it someday, too...maybe not all the things I've just remembered, but the important things: that your Daddy and me have loved each other for a long time, and that we're so happy that we have each other and that we have you. Your Daddy will be back soon and we'll pick out your name. I don't think he's at all disappointed about not getting his little girl. He said that gives us a goal for the next time. Carter was wonderful in the delivery room, but I knew he would be. He helped me deliver your cousin Suzi. You'll have a chance to meet her soon because your Aunt Chloe is bringing her up here to meet you. You have so many people here who care about you - Uncle Mark and Aunt Kerry. Aunt Lydia and Uncle Malik. Aunt Maggie and Aunt Chuni. Aunt Conni and Aunt Lily. Even Uncle Jerry, although you'll soon find that he's like a huge Teddy Bear. Even Uncle Peter has been by to see you. The entire Carter clan has gone wild over you. I have never seen so many gifts and balloons in one room. I think your Daddy will need to rent a truck to get it all home.
My two favorite gifts have to be the ones from your Daddy and your Grandpa Lewis. Your Grandpa just can't get over your dark hair and eyes. So much like your Daddy, little one. He brought you the cutest bear, dark brown with dark brown eyes, just like your own.
Your Daddy brought me a dozen roses. I know they don't sound as if they're much, but they mean a lot to me. Carter said the name of the rose is "Susan" and that it's a beautiful flower, just like the mother of his son.
You're asleep now and I really should put you in your bassinet and get some sleep myself. But, I do so enjoy holding you while you're asleep. All too soon you'll be too big for me to hold like this. I intend to enjoy every minute of this while I can.
It's so strange to think back to when Carter became such an integral part of my life. It was the day that Chloe and Joe took Suzi with them to Phoenix. My arms and heart felt so empty then. My life was empty. Then Carter filled it with passion, hope and love. Little one, we are truly blessed, you and I, to have Carter in our lives. Truly and completely blessed indeed.