Author/pseudonym: MonaCK and Cathy Roberts
Email address: monaCK2@yahoo.com and huntersglenn@yahoo.com
Rating: NC-17
Status: Finished
Pairing: John Carter/Luka Kovac/Dave Malucci
Date: October 13, 2003
Archive: Please ask first
Series: 22/?
Category: "E.R."
Disclaimer: "ER" and all its characters belong to Warner Bros. No infringement of their copyright is intended. This story was written for the enjoyment of "ER" fans everywhere, and may be downloaded for your own pleasure. The title of the story was inspired by the Jimmy Buffett song of the same name, and no infringement is intended. The story can be found on the following web sites: http://www.heresmona.com/fanfic.html
http://www.geocities.com/Paris/Boutique/7087/, and
http://www.errealmofslash.com
Summary: It's a slashy A/U story about how Season 8 might have been and contains no spoilers for the current season.
"Changes In Latitudes, Changes In Attitudes, Part 22"
By MonaCK and Cathy Roberts
John's mind was going in a million places from the moment he first heard Dave's voice. He wasn't even aware that he and Luka had walked to the doorway of the sitting room -- all he was aware of was Dave Malucci. What in the Hell was he doing there? Why was he talking to Gamma? John hadn't misheard Steve, the man had been quite emphatic that Dave had wanted nothing more to do with him, so why was Dave standing there?
By the time John's thoughts finally coalesced into one, Dave was no longer looking happy and Luka seemed to have a death grip on John's hand. "Dave...what are you doing *here*...I thought you..." John's voice trailed off as he remembered the presence of his grandmother in the room. It was one thing that she knew about him and Luka, but he wasn't so sure he wanted her to know that his 'ex-lover' was standing before her.
Millicent noticed the abrupt change of atmosphere. Dr. Malucci looked as if he was about to kill someone, and so did Luka. John looked stunned, and Millicent found herself wondering if the cruise John had been on had been the one where Dr. Malucci had reunited with his 'significant other'. Well, no sense probing right now, she thought as she turned her chair so she was facing her grandson. If Dr. Malucci had worked with John, then he must have worked with Luka, as well, or so Millicent surmised. "John, Luka, I believe the two of you know Dr. Malucci? He's going to be working here, starting tomorrow."
Luka abruptly let go of John's hand, unable to keep control over his anger any further. He didn't want to explode in front of John's grandmother though, so he thought it would be best for him to just leave.
With a final glare towards Dave, he turned on his heels and headed up towards his room. Luka knew that he was going to have to deal with all of this, but he needed to deal with his anger first. And slamming his fist into the wall of his room was a much better solution then walking up to Dave in the living room and slamming his fist through the younger, cockier man's face.
Why did Dave have to show up at that moment? Luka had finally gotten John to admit his feelings. Luka had finally gotten John to admit that it was time to start to get over Dave. And *again*, the very man showed up, and threw everything into a tailspin.
Back downstairs, Dave watched Luka storm off, and then brought his eyes back over towards John. Inside, he was a mixture of hurt, confused, angry...everything all rolled into one.
"Um...Mrs. C...I...thank you for the job. I still want to work here...very much...but, before I do, I...I think I need to talk to John about something. Would...would it be alright if I had a few words with your grandson?"
John's expression was almost unreadable. And Dave was honestly confused as to what was going on. When they had last spoken, Dave had thought he had told John how much he loved him, and missed him. But...maybe something had been misinterpreted? What the fuck had happened?
"Of course." Millicent smiled up at Dr. Malucci, then over at John before she left the room, leaving to check on dinner.
John shook his head as he continued to stare at Dave, still confused. If Dave hated him, then why was he taking the position? Was it just to torment him? "Why are you here?" John asked, his heart starting to break. It had been one thing to be dumped third hand, but now that he had Dave in front of him, the pain was sharp and real.
"Why...why am I here?"
Dave repeated the words, a mixture of surprise and disbelief in his voice. "Of course. Of course you would ask that question. So tell me. Did you wait until the minute I left the cabin to jump into Luka Kovac's bed, or did you at least wait until you got back to Chicago, so you could wait a whole twenty four hours before cheating on me?"
His voice was low, but the words were clear. And Dave continued speaking, figuring he'd might as well get all of the cards out on the table while he could. "Gettin' fired was rough enough. You know, being told that I was bein' fired because of being with you...you know, it was actually a relief. Because it meant I could move to Chicago sooner. So I told my brother I was leavin'. Leavin' to go back to the person I loved. You know, Steve was happy for me. I still didn't tell him that it was a guy...but maybe one day I'll be able to tell him I swing that way. I don't know. Doesn't seem to matter much now. Then...then I don't want you to be disappointed in me. I don't wanna show up at your doorstep unemployed, expectin' you to take care of me. So I fuckin' scour the streets of Chicago, lookin' for anyone who will hire me. I find this agency...this home care agency. They hire me on the spot. Been in one home after another this week."
Dave let out a bitter laugh. "I didn't realize this was your house until your grandmother mentioned her grandson worked for County General."
Dave shook his head, still unable to believe what was going on. "What did I do wrong? I called you...I kept calling you...telling you I loved you...telling you I missed you...and then...I...I find this..."
Dave gestured his arms around the room, not even sure what he was pointing to. He was just *so* hurt, and felt so betrayed, he couldn't even put his full feelings into words. So he sat there, waiting for something -- some kind of justification. Some kind of a reason to not go running out that door.
"What are you talking about? It was Steve who told me when I called that you didn't want anything more to do with me. That you had moved and if I wanted to get in contact with you, I'd have to go through him." John was more than confused as he had listened to Dave -- there had been no 'I love you' phone calls, nothing like that.
"My brother? Why the Hell would my brother say something like that? I didn't tell my brother anything about you. Why would he tell you that I didn't want to have anything to do with you anymore?"
Dave was genuinely confused. What the Hell had *that* been all about? There was no reason for John to lie to him -- he really never had in the past -- in fact, John was just as incapable of lying as Dave was. Dave would have seen right through him.
"Is...is that what prompted all of this? Is...is that why...why you're with...with him now?"
Dave's voice broke on the last words. He hadn't meant it to but he was genuinely hurt and confused. This was supposed to be a happy reunion, but, so far, it had been nothing but pain.
John looked away from Dave, not sure if he should believe the pain he was seeing in the man's eyes. But, he couldn't ignore the fact that Dave seemed to truly feel he was being cheated on.
"I was able to get my schedule arranged so I could come out to see you. I called you on the ship, but Nurse Davis said you hadn't worked there since the cruise ended. She didn't say why, but I thought that maybe you had gotten in trouble for showing up late that day. I know you didn't want me calling your brother, but, the last time you were fired I didn't call you, and I lost you, and I didn't want that happening again." But it had still happened, or so John had thought at the time.
"So, I called, and as soon as I told Steve who I was, he got angry, saying that I had done more than enough to you and that you never wanted anything to do with me again. Hearing that, combined with the fact you moved and that your phone calls always were short and ended without you ever saying that you loved me...well, I thought you decided I wasn't worth the trouble."
John shrugged. "That was a week ago, Dave. So, no, I didn't immediately jump into Luka's bed. I tried to find you, even here, but when I called information, they said that no one by your name had a phone number. You didn't call me." He shook his head. "What else was I supposed to think?"
"I told you I loved you every time -- I ended every conversation with 'Love you...Miss you...' -- maybe, maybe you hung up before you could hear that, I don't know, but I told you I loved you every time. I still do..."
Dave shook his head, frustrated at all of the emotions he was feeling. Once he felt he got a grip on them, at least a little bit, he continued on. "I kept the calls short cause I was embarrassed. I didn't call this week cause I was running around on job interviews. I didn't want you to be disappointed in me gettin' fired again. I...I wanted to make sure I had somethin' lined up before I called you again. I've been livin' in a hotel on the south side of town, hoping I'd be able to find somewhere to live when I got a job, and then this opportunity came up. Movin' in here meant that I didn't have to find a place to live, but now...I'm not sure if workin' here is a very good idea...it seems you've moved on..."
God, how that hurt. It hurt so much that Dave wasn't sure he could take it. Dave quickly cast his eyes downwards again, once more embarrassed at how upset he was over this. Once again he had opened his heart to John. And once more, it was broken. And this time, Dave wasn't sure he'd ever be able to move on from it. And the information about Steve...Dave wasn't sure what to make of that. But he couldn't think about that at the moment. He'd give his brother a call later. He could understand why John would be feeling the way he felt, based on the information given, but Dave couldn't help but feel like his entire world was crumbling at his feet.
"I never ended a call until I couldn't hear your voice any longer, Dave. You might have meant to say those things, but you didn't." John looked away from Dave, not sure about what to believe or do. *If* Dave was telling him the truth, then he had cheated on him and they weren't broken up. But John also knew that Dave wouldn't want him now, not knowing he had been with Luka again. Not knowing that he had cheated on Dave, no way.
"I wouldn't have been disappointed in you, Dave. Never. I know it was my fault you were fired, so how could I possibly hold that against you?" John shook his head again. "You should have told me the truth back when it happened. You could have stayed here." John looked back at Dave, but Dave was staring at the floor. "You could have been here with me this entire time," John softly added.
"I...I wanted you to be proud of me. How could you be proud of a loser who couldn't even manage to hold down a job? God, I'm such a fuck up...and I've managed to fuck things up for us again. Look at us. Look at what I've done..."
Dave shook his head, unable to even look the man he loved in the eyes. "I always ended those calls with 'I love you'. Maybe the call disconnected before I did...I don't know, but I always wanted you to know how much I loved you. How much I still love you. God...this just hurts so fucking much. I never expected...I never expected you and Luka to be together when I got here..."
He had lost John again. And it was all his own fault. His own fault for getting fired. His own fault for not telling John. His own fault for not telling John he was back in Chicago, even without a job...
John quickly walked over to Dave and put his arms around him. "Don't say that. Don't *ever* say that, Dave. You're not a loser or a fuck up. Cell phones can suddenly cut off, we both know that. I'm sorry. I should have waited longer, or asked Steve more questions or...something. I love you. Being with Luka...that didn't stop my loving you."
Instinctively, Dave's arms went around John's body, pulling the taller man closer to him. It was as if he was holding on for life -- afraid if he let go, even for a moment, that John would leave him.
"But, but what about Luka? You might love me...but...if you're not with Luka now, he sure thinks so...because Luka looked like he wanted to rip my head off when he saw me in this living room," Dave said, finally feeling a little bit calm for the first time since seeing John. "I...I've really managed to fuck up your life again, John..."
John shook his head. "No, don't say that. It's not your fault you were fired, it's mine. I should have known that there would be rules, but I never asked. I'm sorry." He hugged Dave tightly, and then stepped away from him. "As for Luka...God." John ran a hand nervously through his hair, then looked into Dave's eyes.
"I love him. Not the same way I love you, I could never have those same feelings for another person, but I *do* love him. We need to talk this through, the three of us. If you never told Steve to say those things to me, then that means we never broke up, right? So, I did cheat on you. But I didn't know I was, I thought you had dumped me, and rightfully so, and I tried to move on, and..." John's heart felt as if it were being torn in two by his feelings. "And Luka loves me, too."
"I know Luka loves you," Dave said, finally bringing his eyes up to meet John's. "He was in love with you back on the ship -- but he was too much of a gentleman to stand in your way when you came after me. I knew he was jealous as Hell every time we were together, and I didn't care. I didn't care cause I had you and he didn't. As for the rest of it..."
Dave shook his head. "No. You didn't know. You didn't know. You didn't cheat on me...cause you didn't know. I shoulda called you. If I had called you, none of this would have happened. I guess...I guess we both have to take a bit of the blame here."
He ran a hand over his eyes, trying to sort all of this out. "Yeah, I think we do have to talk...all three of us. But, I think that the most important thing that has to happen is...you have to make a decision. You have to decide who it is you want to be with; me or Luka. And as much as I hate to say it, one of us is *not* going to be pleased when you make that decision...but the other person...the other person will be the luckiest man alive..."
Dave was hoping that John would choose him. And part of him knew...okay...all of him knew that if John decided that he wanted to be with Luka, there was no way that Dave was going to let him go without a fight.
John didn't want to have to make that decision, especially since it was going to leave someone hurt and disappointed. So, he decided to concentrate on the three of them talking. "Come on upstairs. I'd like to get out of these scrubs and into some real clothes and then we all can talk." He held out his hand toward Dave, ready to lead him up the stairs.
"You want all three of us to talk now? Do...you wanna talk to Luka by yourself first? I...man, this is a real mess...isn't it? Yeah, okay, I'll come up with you...I'll be by your side. Anything that Luka says...I wanna be there to defend myself.."
He took John's hand in his, a foreign and familiar experience at the same time. Foreign because this was not how he had expected things to be, yet familiar because Dave and John together...it was the way it was ultimately meant to be.
Squeezing his hand, almost unconsciously, Dave let John lead him up the stairs, completely unsure of what was going to await him once he reached the top.
John took Dave to his room, opening the door wide to reveal a large bedroom with a loveseat, a few chairs and some tables and the large bed against the wall. "Go on inside and have a seat while I get Luka. No reason why we can't be comfortable while talking, right?"
Dave nodded. "Yeah, okay.. I'll wait here for you," he said. And he slowly made his way over to the loveseat. Dave wasn't sure what he was more surprised over -- the fact that he was experiencing all of this, or that John's bedroom was bigger than Dave's apartment had been when he had last lived in Chicago.
"Go get him. I'm not goin' anywhere. I promise..."
John's eyes drank in the sight of Dave in his bedroom, and his heart constricted just a little over the fact that he was possibly going to lose the chance to ever see that sight again. "I'll be right back."
Without shutting the door, John walked the short way down the hall to Luka's room, knocking softly on the hard wood. "Luka? May I come in?" God, how was he going to explain things to Luka? And if Luka, like Dave, wanted to insist that he choose between them, then John wasn't sure what he was going to do.
After pounding his fist into the wall a few times, Luka had finally collapsed on his bed in an exhausted heap, frustrated that nothing *ever* seemed to go his way. Once again, he had thought that things were finally going to work out for him, for John...and then Dave showed up.
There was no mistaking the look that he had seen on John's face. That, combined with the fact that John had admitted to him the night before that he was still in love with Dave, spoke volumes.
Luka's expression was unreadable as he mulled all of this over in his brain. And his voice was devoid of any emotion as he told John to enter his room.
As the door swung open, Luka lifted his head off of the pillow. "What do you want, John?"
John's heart broke into a few more pieces as he took in Luka's defeated appearance. He couldn't choose between Dave and Luka, he just couldn't. Not knowing how badly one of them would be hurt when he choose the other.
He stepped into the room and walked over to the bed where he sat down and rested his hand against Luka's cheek. "I'm sorry about all of this, Luka. We need to talk...*all* of us. Dave's waiting next door for us." God, but it hurt to see Luka trying to not show his pain.
Luka's eyes fluttered closed, his heart doing a leap as John touched his cheek, and Luka flinched away, knowing that if he was going to get past this, he was going to have to start to close himself off from John sooner rather than later. And as John spoke, Luka slowly opened his eyes, trying to focus his tired eyes on the man he loved. The man who had the ability to crush him with one action, one look...
"You think that the three of us need to talk? What is there to talk about? You told me last night that you didn't love me the way you loved Dave...and now Dave is here...obviously he wants you back...and you're going to go to him. So what is there to talk about?"
As much as he wanted to mask the hurt, it was nearly impossible to do with the pain so close to the surface.
John shook his head, wondering why it was so easy for the men he loved to think he'd desert them so quickly. "No, it's not that simple, Luka. I thought Dave and I were broken up and I made a vow in my heart to you, but, we weren't broken up, so that meant I cheated on him. I love him, that much is true. But it's also true that I love you. It might not be the same kind of love, Luka, but it's there and it's real and I don't want to lose either one of you."
Luka now looked at John head on, disbelief growing in his eyes. "You can't have it both ways, John. You might not want to lose either of us, but can't have *both* of us. I won't stand for that, and I'm quite sure that Dave won't stand for that, either. No. You are dealing with some very real feelings here, both mine and Dave's, so you need to decide...very, very soon, what you want, or the decision is going to be made for you, John. I'll...I'll give you some time, but I won't wait around forever. Sooner or later, I am going to have to move on with my life if you should decide that you don't want to be with me. But I am going to have to find some way to get closure from this. And you not wanting to lose either of us will end up hurting *both* of us in the end."
Luka shook his head, and then slowly sat up in bed, still trying to make heads or tails out of what was going on. "If you want the three of us to talk...I'll come in and talk, but frankly, I still don't know what there is to talk about."
John ignored Luka's little speech about him having to choose. It wasn't fair and he didn't want to face having to chose between the two of them. "What there is to talk about is what happened to create this situation, Luka. If you and Dave talk things out, then you won't hate each other so much. It's not his fault, and it's not your fault, either. There's no reason for the two of you to be at each other's throats." John got to his feet and, as he had with Dave, held out his hand for Luka to take. "Come on."
Unable to argue with the man anymore, Luka obediently rose from the bed, and took John's hand in his. It was warm and smooth, just like it always was. And Luka's hand still fit with John's nicely, but something was different. Something had changed.
Dave Malucci. Dave had torn them apart again. And this time, Luka knew if it happened, it was going to be forever, because he was not going to let himself go through the pain of losing John for a third time.
As they walked back towards John's bedroom, Luka hesitated once more. "Are...are you sure this is really necessary? Right now, all I want to do is throw the man's head into a wall. I'm not so sure it's a good idea for me to be in the same room with Dave for very long..."
John came to a stop in the hallway and he hugged Luka. "I know you're hurting, and I know you're angry. But you're angry with the wrong person, Luka. Hear him out about what happened, please?"
Luka nodded, and pulled away from John, once more trying to distance himself from any more pain. And without taking John's hand in his again, he made his way into John's bedroom, stopping short as he noticed the eyes of the younger man on him once more.
Dave's eyes met Luka's...and he nearly shuddered at what he saw there. Luka was someone who was hurting just as much as Dave was, and that made all of this that much more difficult. It would be easier if Luka had been a fling...if Luka hadn't actually had feelings for John, but knowing that Luka was in love with John...and that John was in love with Luke...
That hurt. John loving someone else. That *really* hurt. Because John had been the only person that Dave had ever loved. And Dave knew in his heart that would never love another...that John was *it*.
"Good afternoon, Luka," Dave finally managed to say. "I'll bet you're wondering just what I'm doin' here..."
"The thought had crossed my mind," Luka said. He grabbed a chair from the table that was in the room, and turned it so it was facing the love seat. With another glance up towards John, Luka sat down, intent on listening to everything that Dave had to say. Why, he wasn't sure. Luka already knew in his heart what the end result was going to be. He didn't know why he was putting himself through the pain.
Dave spoke. And he kept speaking, repeating essentially the same story he had told John only moments earlier, only a little more matter of factly. And as he finished speaking, he glanced over to Luka, and then dared to look at John, trying to figure out how he was reacting to all of this.
John had intended to change immediately, but he found himself standing there and listening to Dave talk. He had wanted to sit, but he knew that if he sat on the loveseat by Dave then Luka would be hurt, and if he pulled a chair over and sat by Luka, then Dave would be hurt, and God only knew what they both would think if he sat on the bed.
"I really need to change out of these scrubs," John said as he turned to his chest of drawers to get some casual clothes. "You two can talk about things and I'll just step into the bathroom for a few minutes." As John closed the bathroom door behind him, he felt the sting of tears in his eyes, and he walked over to the closed toilet, sitting down while he silently cried over the entire mess his life had so quickly become. He really needed a cigarette...or...something stronger. God. What he needed was to change and go back into his room to find Dave and Luka smiling at each other and willing to share him. That's what he needed, and John didn't quite understand why he couldn't have that.
To be continued