Author/pseudonym: MonaCK and Cathy Roberts
Email address: monaCK2@yahoo.com and huntersglenn@yahoo.com
Rating: NC-17
Status: Finished. Well, mostly finished. Just the ending left to write.
Pairing: John Carter/Dave Malucci
Date: June 9, 2004
Archive: Please ask first
Series: 57/?
Category: "E.R."
Disclaimer: "ER" and all its characters belong to Warner Bros. No infringement of their copyright is intended. This story was written for the enjoyment of "ER" fans everywhere, and may be downloaded for your own pleasure. The title of the story was inspired by the Jimmy Buffett song of the same name, and no infringement is intended. The story can be found on the following web sites: http://www.heresmona.com/fanfic.html
http://www.geocities.com/Paris/Boutique/7087/, and
http://www.errealmofslash.com
Summary: It's a slashy A/U story about how Season 8 might have been and contains no spoilers for the current season.
"Changes In Latitudes, Changes In Attitudes, Part 57"
By MonaCK and Cathy Roberts
Dr. DiLeo ran breathlessly up the path from the main house, smiling as he saw the Carters sitting out on the patio. "I'm sorry I'm late," he said, as he approached the couple. "I got held up at the office, is John inside?"
Eleanor's gaze could have driven nails through the man. "Yes. Well. We're all here. And waiting for you. Come along. I'm sure that John is ready for us now..." She stood and started for the door.
Jack smiled at the doctor. "John was ready to cancel the appointment, but Eleanor managed to convince him to not do that. We were beginning to worry that your delay might make him change his mind, though." He got to his feet and headed for the door as well, knocking on it briefly, then opening it for Eleanor and Dr. DiLeo.
John hugged Dave's arms to him, wanting the session to be over already. Then he grew tense as he saw the doctor running toward the cottage from the house, and his grip tightened on Dave's arms. "He's here," John tonelessly announced, not sure if he should be happy or upset that DiLeo had finally arrived. It wasn't as if he had set a specific time for the session or anything like that. All that had been said was that they'd have the session after dinner. So, John had no right to even think that DiLeo was late. No, instead his thoughts were going in the other direction, and he found himself wishing that DiLeo had never shown up.
John almost had a death grip on Dave's hand, but Dave didn't let that bother him. Instead, he simply planted a soft kiss on the back of John's neck as the front door opened. Before Dave could give John any reassuring words, everyone was entering. Dr. DiLeo almost immediately approached John while Eleanor and Jack headed towards the couch in the living room.
"Good evening, John. I'm looking forward to our talk tonight." One look at the John's face told him that the feeling was not mutual.
"Let's just get this over with, shall we?" John tersely replied as he turned from the window and faced the room at large, hating the fact that moving meant he lost contact with Dave. "After tonight, though, I'll be able to just see you once a week, right? Like a normal patient would?"
Dr. DiLeo straightened up, surprised at the attitude that John was giving him, but deciding that arguing with him about it was not the best means of dealing with this. "Why don't we play it by ear," Dr. DiLeo offhandedly said. "But yes. If the session goes well, I see no reason why we can't cut down our therapy sessions..." As for whether or not they would be once a week, that was not something that Dr. DiLeo would commit to.
"C'mon," Dave said, as he pulled back from John. "Let's go sit down. I'll stay by your side if ya want me to." Sliding his hand into John's, Dave offered John a smile as he led him towards the living room.
"Well," Dr. DiLeo said, as he sat down in a chair. "Just give me a minute to grab my tape recorder and note pad, and then we can get started."
Jack glanced warily at Eleanor as everyone else settled into their seats. He wasn't sure if it was a good idea for her to be there, but if John wanted her there, then he wasn't going to be the one to ask her to leave. Instead, Jack looked over at his son, catching the tense and anxious look in John's eyes. This was not going to be an easy session, Jack could see that already. It was a good thing they had several hours available if needed.
John could feel someone looking at him and he looked over at his parents, a bit disconcerted to see that both of them were staring at him. Well, he had asked them to be there, so he really couldn't complain about their presence. He just hoped that they wouldn't hate him because of anything he said. Despite his best attempts to hold things back, DiLeo had a knack for getting John to talk. And that was just another reason for John to not want the session to happen.
"Ready?" he asked, thinking it shouldn't take all that long to turn on a stupid tape recorder.
Dave sat back, holding John's hand reassuringly as the session began. No, this was not going to be a smooth session at all, Dave could feel it. With the way that John had been acting, coupled with Dave's own stupidity setting things off - no, it wasn't good at all.
As John turned towards her, Eleanor nodded, wanting so much to take away all the pain that her son was feeling, but being woefully inadequate in expression her feelings of dismay. Instead, she turned towards her husband, and was relieved to find that he looked as lost as she did.
"I'm ready," Dr. DiLeo said. "John? Let's start by talking about your day. Did anything happen today that you want to talk to me about?" It was always best to start with the easy stuff, and work backwards from there.
John shook his head. "Not really. It was a pretty good day overall." As soon as he spoke, John could feel three pairs of eyes looking his way and he squirmed in his seat. Maybe having anyone at all with him during his sessions wasn't the best idea in the world, but dammitt, it was supposed to be what *he* thought and not them, right?
Jack couldn't help but stare at his son, and then he looked at Eleanor and Dave. "John..." he began, but he had no idea what to say. Was John really thinking he could get away with not talking about how he had suddenly not wanted to have the session?
Dr. DiLeo looked at John with interest. "Really? Your father mentioned to me when I got here that you were thinking of canceling the session, is there a reason you wanted to do that?" This wasn't good, not at all. Dr. DiLeo knew that John was not always going to be the willing patient, but he had thought that they had had a breakthrough the last time they had met.
Dave was worried. Was John going to completely clam up? He hoped not. Otherwise, Dave was going to be tempted to speak up himself, but it was only the fear of driving a wedge between John and himself that stopped him from doing that.
John glared at his father, then sighed. "I told you. I had a very good day. I feel fine and really didn't see the need to waste your time or my time on this session tonight. It seemed to me that next week would work out much better, that's all. Next question?" John looked directly at the doctor, hoping that the man would change the subject. He hadn't canceled, and DiLeo was sitting right in front of him. What difference did it make that John had wanted to cancel earlier?
This particular answer concerned Dr. DiLeo. John's words and thoughts were obviously having a battle with each other, and John was the type who wore his true feelings on his sleeves. "Are you sure that there's nothing that happened today to make you feel this way? You say that you're feeling fine, but your actions are saying something very different. When we last left off, I thought things were going better for you. But I'm worried about the way that you're acting right now."
Dave's face was full of worry. Squeezing John's hand tightly, he waited for his lover to speak. Dave felt more consumed with guilt than he had even moments before. "It's my fault, Dr. DiLeo. I fucked up. I'm the reason that John's in this bad mood..." Dave felt every eye in the room turn towards him, and it caused Dave to cast his eyes downwards.
Dr. DiLeo looked up from his notes, and over towards the younger man. "What happened?"
"It was nothing," John quickly interrupted. "And I'm not in a bad mood, and even if I *was* in a bad mood, I think I'm entitled, don't you? I've been under a bit of stress, in case you haven't noticed. Being in a bad mood doesn't mean anything except that I'm in a bad mood, and there's nothing for you to worry about." John gently squeezed Dave's hand and looked over at his lover. "You, either."
"Of course you're entitled, John. And of course you've been under a lot of stress. There's nothing wrong with feeling bad at times. But, I don't think a bad mood warrants canceling our therapy sessions, do you? I know it's a lot of hard stuff to think about, but just because you're on the meds doesn't mean that you are going to start feeling better right away, nor does it mean that all of your problems are solved in the blink of an eye. It's a long road." Dr. DiLeo shook his head. "I can't force you to talk to me, it's your right not to say anything at all. But since I'm going to be here for a full fifty minutes, wouldn't it be more productive if we talked a little bit before I go home?"
"Fine," John tersely said. "What do you want to talk about?"
Jack rolled his eyes, glad that Dr. DiLeo obviously had a lot of patience. He knew that his son could be stubborn, but he had had no idea just how stubborn John could get. Jack was beginning to think that perhaps a part of John's stubborn insistence on not talking more than necessary was due to his and Eleanor's presence. While John had asked them to be there, Jack was sure that John had to be feeling as if he was under a microscope and being watched. "Perhaps we should leave?" he asked.
"Yeah, sure, Dad. Go ahead and run. That way you can pretend that nothing's going on. You're good at that," John snapped. He should have known that his father wouldn't hang around as promised. The man was even worse than his mother at running away.
Jack stared at his son, his mouth slightly open as he tried to figure out how that short question, a question asked so John could be more comfortable, had ended up provoking such a harsh reaction from his son.
Dave looked over towards Mr. Carter, and then back towards John. "John," Dave said, still squeezing his hand tightly. "Your dad just wanted to make sure you were okay with him bein' here, he'll stay if ya want him to," Dave looked over towards the older man for confirmation.
Dr. DiLeo was furiously scribbling notes down on his pad, and nodding every once in a while. It was what John was trying *not* to say that was most of interest to the doctor. Obviously, there was still a lot of built-up anger there, and Dr. DiLeo suspected that a lot of it was due to what happened when John was a child. "Your father is good at running away, you say. Did your father run away a lot when you were young, John?"
John didn't need Dave telling him that his father would stay or go or anything, but before he could yank his hand free, DiLeo spoke again. John slowly shook his head. "No. Dad used to be around nearly all of the time when we were kids. Mom, too. That all changed when Bob..." John broke off, not wanting to upset his parents by bringing up Bobby. Even though he wished with all of this might that the family would actually talk about him from time to time, John didn't want to be the cause of even more stress to his parents.
"That all changed when Bobby died," Jack lowly said. "A lot changed back then, but not all of it was because of Bobby. Business was picking up and I was needed to be on hand to firm up contracts. At the time, I thought it was good to get away, to take Eleanor away from here so that she could regroup. I admit that I didn't give much thought to the children and how they felt about it at the time. I thought I was leaving them in good hands, but I was so very wrong about that."
"You got that part right," John muttered, his hand once again tightening around Dave's as anger toward Jenny and what she had done to him surged through his body.
There was no doubt in Dr. DiLeo's mind that Jack Carter felt guilty about what had happened to his son. And as he looked towards Eleanor Carter, he could see the briefest flash of emotion in the woman's eyes. He supposed that that was the closest that the woman would be able to get to expressing how she felt about things. "And how about you, Eleanor? How did you feel about being away?"
She startled a bit at being spoken to, but then brought a set of cool eyes to meet DiLeo's. "I thought it was for the best. I...I was afraid...that if I got too close to Johnny...that I would ultimately lose him, too, and in a sense, by doing that...by staying away, I did lose him."
Dave's hand was once more in a death grip, but he wouldn't change it for the world. At least John's anger wasn't directed towards Dave anymore.
Dr. DiLeo nodded, and brought his attention back towards John. "How did your father and mother leaving all the time make you feel?"
John was about to shrug, but then he decided that he might as well say what was on his mind. "It was pretty clear to me that I didn't matter. Bobby was dead and I didn't matter at all to them. Barbara, either. If we mattered, then they wouldn't have left, would they?" This time there was no anger in John's voice, only resignation. "Look, I know I'll never be as good a son as Bobby was, but I really do try. They...they just never seem to notice. They never did notice, no matter how well I did on a test or how many ribbons I won in dressage, or how fast I ran. None of that mattered to them because it wasn't Bobby doing it. I tried to make Mom happy, just like Bobby asked me to do, I really did. But I couldn't even succeed at that."
Jack wanted to tell John he was wrong, but he kept his mouth shut. The question had been about how John felt, and Jack's feelings toward John weren't a part of that answer. So, he sat and listened and felt his heart break as he realized the emotional Hell he and Eleanor had put their children through, especially John.
If there was one thing that Eleanor Carter had learned, it was how *not* to show emotions, especially in front of her children. But seeing once again how much John was hurting by her actions, her face visibly blanched. And as she stood, she knew had to get away before she broke down in front of everyone. "I...please...excuse me," she quickly said, and without a glance backwards, Eleanor headed towards the first floor bathroom to try to compose herself.
Dr. DiLeo looked up from his notes once more, taking in all of John's words and trying to pull his next question from them. "John, do you blame your parents for what happened with Jenny?" It was a hard question, but it had to be asked. And if John bristled, then Dr. DiLeo would find another way to form the thought.
"How can I blame them for something that happened when they weren't even around?" John asked, slightly confused by the question. He was more concerned about his mother than about DiLeo's question, though, and his gaze was on the bathroom door. He knew that what he had said hurt her because the two of them had already had a part of that conversation months earlier, when he had confided in her what Bobby had made him promise to do and how sorry he had been that he had failed not only Bobby, but her.
Dr. DiLeo could see that John was worried, and the fact that he kept glancing towards the bathroom had not gone past him. But still, he continued with his questions. "Do you think that if your parents hadn't gone away and left you as much as they did, that maybe Jenny would not have been able...that maybe you and Jenny wouldn't have gotten to be as close as you were?"
Dave was getting to be really worried about the way that John was reacting right then, and he cast a worried glance over towards Dr. DiLeo. "Do ya think that maybe we should continue this tomorrow? I...it's been a long day..."
Dr. DiLeo shook his head. "Dave, you know as well as I do that that's not a good idea."
It was taking his mother a long time in the bathroom, and John was pretty sure that she wasn't, well, using it. He had upset her again, and he had no idea what he'd be able to do to make things better between them. Just his luck that they had enjoyed such a great afternoon and then he had to go and blow things by saying what he had. And Dave thought he had a problem about speaking without thinking first.
John didn't hear anything except DiLeo telling Dave that something wasn't a good idea and he brought his attention back to the doctor. "Sorry, I wasn't listening. What's not a good idea?"
Jack got to his feet. "Excuse me, I'm going to check on Eleanor." He quickly made his way to the bathroom door, hoping that she had had enough time to pull herself together because it was obvious to him that as long as she was hiding in the bathroom, John wouldn't be able to concentrate on anything that anyone asked him.
Eleanor was taking deep breaths as she looked into the mirror. The sadness had consumed her, and it was only in the privacy of her own space that she allowed herself to show emotion because of it. When she heard the knock on the door, she straightened up, her expression immediately becoming stoic, and the only sign that she had been upset was a slight puffiness around the eyes. "I'm coming," she said, as she reached for the door.
She supposed she had to face this, like it or not.
Jack eyed his wife sympathetically. It was obvious that Eleanor had been crying and he found himself wishing that she'd find it in her heart to actually cry in front of John from time to time. Or even in front of him. Jack couldn't really remember the last time Eleanor had shown any real emotion with him. Even his declaration that he wanted to end their marriage had been met with her stoic demeanor. At the time, Jack had felt glad of that, but now he wondered if he might have changed his mind if Eleanor had yelled and screamed and cried. Or if she had even told him that she loved him and didn't want him to go. But none of that had happened, and Jack was pretty sure that the love Eleanor had felt for him so many years ago was long gone.
"Are you okay?" Jack asked gently, realizing that the opposite was true for him. He still loved Eleanor, he just couldn't handle living with her any longer.
Eleanor looked up towards Jack, surprised at the emotion in his voice. Of course, Jack always was a bit soft, but he meant well. And honestly, as far as their son was concerned, Jack had been there by leaps and bounds more than she had been. "I'm fine," she found herself saying. "I...I think I'll go sit back down now." Not that she wanted to, but Eleanor knew she had no choice. She couldn't run anymore.
John smiled slightly when he saw his mother leaving the bathroom. Her eyes were a little puffy, he could see that much, even from where he was sitting, but overall she looked okay.
He looked over at DiLeo, determined to make things right. "No, I don't blame my parents at all. They did the best they could at the time and there's no way I could ever blame them for that. What happened with Jenny was my own fault for being weak enough to reach out to just anyone. If I had thought about it, I would have known that Barb and I weren't forgotten. Mom and Dad called all the time. I should have known better."
Dr. DiLeo sighed internally, but outwardly kept a cool appearance. Eleanor Carter's outbursts were definitely hindering the session more than helping. In all honesty, all of the distractions were probably a bit much for the session. However Dave being there seemed to have somewhat of a calming effect on John, given the fact that John had an obviously tight grip on his lover's hand. "Mr. and Mrs. Carter," Dr. DiLeo started, his voice calm. "I want to thank you very much for coming out today, but I think right now I'm ready to just talk to John and Dave on their own."
John sat up straighter in his seat. "I want my parents here," he said. His father had been with him the other times, and it meant a lot to John that his mother had wanted to be present. He didn't want them to have to leave.
Jack wanted to stay, but he knew that it probably was best that he and Eleanor leave. John hadn't been able to pay any attention at all to the doctor's questions while Eleanor was in the bathroom, and Jack was pretty sure that if John revealed more painful things, then Eleanor would either have to give up the facade or keep going in and out of the bathroom. Neither way would be good for John at the moment.
Dr. DiLeo nodded. "I can understand that, John," he matter-of-factly said. "However, there will be another time when I'm going to want to meet with you and your whole family. In order to be able to get the most out of our sessions, it's important that I'm able to talk to you directly, without worrying about hurting someone else's feelings. If you want, your parents can wait outside, and after the three of us are done, they can rejoin us."
Eleanor remained silent. To be perfectly honest, she was not feeling very comfortable with any of the proceedings, but she wasn't going to say anything to force the issue. She was more than happy to leave, but she also knew if she told John she wanted to leave, that he would not be happy about that either. So for quite possibly the first time in her life, she kept her mouth shut.
"C'mon, Hoss, it'll be okay," Dave said, squeezing John's had ever so gently. "I'm gonna stay here with ya..." At least, he hoped that Dr. DiLeo's plan wasn't going to be to send Dave out of the room next.
John glanced sharply at the doctor. "Is that okay? That Dave can stay?" he anxiously asked. He could probably handle his parents being outside if Dave got to stay. And John really didn't want to be alone with Dr. DiLeo. It wasn't that he didn't trust the doctor, it was more that John was afraid that, if left alone with DiLeo, the man would get John to admit more than he really wanted to admit.
Dr. DiLeo hesitated for a moment. What he really wanted was to be alone with John, but he had a feeling that that would be too much for John to handle. Besides, his first instinct had been to let Dave stay, so he nodded. "Yes, Dave can stay," he finally said.
John slowly nodded, then looked over at his parents. "Are you going back to the house? This probably shouldn't take too long, if you just want to wait on the patio." John really did want them to wait outside, but he didn't feel comfortable asking them to stay nearby, as if he was some kind of a child who couldn't handle being separated from his parents in any way.
Jack nodded and smiled reassuringly at his son. "We'll either go back to the house for a few minutes or wait out on the patio, I'll let your mother decide which." Jack turned to Eleanor to see what she wanted to do.
Eleanor quickly shot her head up. "It's a nice night outside," she mused, looking out of the window. "We can wait outside for a little while, and if we get cold, we can head back to the house until Dr. DiLeo is ready for us to come back in."
"It sounds good to me." Jack got to his feet, and then offered his hand to Eleanor to help her to hers. They both walked over to John, and Jack gave him a hug. "We'll be right outside."
John smiled up at his parents, and then nodded. "Thanks."
After John's parents left, Dr. DiLeo jotted down some notes, and tried to get back to the session at hand. He noticed from John's demeanor that he was still a little nervous, so he decided to try to lighten things up a bit. "Do you have some coffee? Maybe we can take a quick coffee break before we get back to chatting again, how does that sound?"
Dave squeezed John's hand, and smiled over to the doctor. "I can make some real quick. What do ya say, John, want a little java?"
John shook his head. "No, I'm fine, thanks, though. But you two go ahead." If they didn't talk until the coffee was made, then that ate up more of his session time, which was just fine with John, even though he wasn't in the mood for coffee or anything else to drink. "I'll wait," he said, sending a smile in Dave's direction before he let go of Dave's hand.
Dave planted a soft kiss on John's cheek, and then got up to head to the kitchen, his mind whirling while he did so. And he quickly set the coffee brewing, not wanting to leave John alone for too long.
While Dave was making the coffee, Dr. DiLeo looked over to John with a soft smile. "I know that you're nervous about this, but my goal isn't to make you uncomfortable, you do know that, right? I just want to help you begin to feel better."
"I know," John readily agreed, "And I *do* feel better. Which is why I don't see why we can't just do this next week. I mean, not much has changed since we last talked yesterday." He drummed his fingers on the arm of the wheelchair, thinking maybe he should have volunteered to make the coffee.
Dr. DiLeo sighed, and put down his pen. "Trying to heal your mind is much like trying to heal any other part of your body. When you were hurt, and you couldn't walk, you went to physical therapy and learned how to use your legs again, right? Well, therapy is a lot like that. In the beginning, when you first start, you need to take the time to begin to work things through, and that means being in a lot more pain then you would want to be in." Dr. DiLeo hoped that giving John something else that he could relate to would help him understand why they had to do it this way.
"When I did PT for my leg, I got immediate results. Yes, it hurt, but I could see progress each day..." John trailed off as he realized that his words were more or less the opposite of what he'd been trying to convince DiLeo about - that he was much better emotionally right then than he had been the day before. "Fine. Ask your questions."
A smile flickered ever so briefly on Dr. DiLeo's lips, and he was about to speak again when Dave poked his head out of the kitchen.
"How do ya take your coffee, Dr. D?" There was a grin on Dave's lips as he walked in, Dave did not want to make John feel uneasy in any way so it was best to pretend that nothing at all was wrong, even if Dave did still feel that things were far more tense than they needed to be.
"Black, no sugar please. Thanks."
Dave returned to the kitchen, and a few moments later, came out carrying two cups of coffee. After handing one to Dr. DiLeo, Dave sat back at John's side, and, after he placed his coffee cup on the end table, Dave captured the other man's hand with his own once again.
"Okay...now, let's see," Dr. DiLeo began after he had taken a sip of his coffee. "Let's talk a little bit more about what happened the other morning, John. The morning that you walked off by yourself, and ended up at the lake, and about what triggered you to take off in the first place. How much do you remember of that night?"
Dave flinched slightly. That was an emotional evening for Dave as well, one that Dave didn't exactly want to relive, but he knew that John had to. And Dave was going to be there every step of the way.
"I remember that I hurt Dave," John said as he gave Dave's hand a slight squeeze. "I didn't mean to, but I did. And I decided that I didn't want to ever risk hurting him again, so once I knew he was asleep, I left."
Dr. DiLeo nodded. "When you left the house, were your intentions to go to the lake, or was it just where you wandered to? Do you remember what was going on inside your mind as you left the house? I know you were upset that you hurt Dave, and you wanted to make sure you didn't hurt him anymore, but do you remember anything else while you were walking?"
'I knew the lake was my only answer, if that's what you're asking," John replied, his eyes averted from both Dave and Dr. DiLeo. "I had thought about it before...even before that night. In the ER, we see a lot of people who have tried and failed, so I knew what methods work and which don't." John shrugged as he considered the rest of the question. "I really didn't think about anything as I walked to the lake. I had made up my mind, and I set out to do what needed to be done. It wasn't until I was in the water that I realized that someone, either a family member or someone on the staff, would end up finding me. And, I had forgotten to leave a note for Dave." John looked over at Dave as he said that.
"I knew that me dying that way would hurt you a lot, and I thought it was only fair to tell you why I did it, so you wouldn't blame yourself. When my friend Dennis died, he didn't leave a note behind, and that just caused even more heartache, I think. I know it did for me."
There were tears in Dave's eyes as John spoke. And as he talked about why he had decided not to go through the act, Dave gave John's hand a gentle squeeze. "Well. Then never in my life have I been so happy that you'd forgotten somethin', John," he said, his voice full of emotion. "'Cause, note or no note...if ya had done it...I...I dunno..." Dave's voice trailed off as he thought about how empty his life would be without John Carter in it.
"If you had left a note," Dr. DiLeo finally said, "Do you think you would have gone through with it?" It was important for him to learn if John was still borderline suicidal.
John shook his head. "Not there, anyway. I was trying to think of where to go when Luka and Abby showed up. Lake Michigan's not all that far a drive from here, or the river. Any place where I wouldn't be found by someone who knew me; that's what I wanted. It doesn't matter now, right? I didn't do it." John looked over at Dave. "I didn't do it, so it's okay." The only problem that John had with what he was saying was that he wasn't sure if he was trying to convince Dave or himself that it was okay.
"It is good that you didn't do it, John," Dr. DiLeo agreed. "But what worries me is that you haven't told me that you wouldn't try to do it again. Do you still feel those same feelings of hopelessness, John?" Dr. DiLeo eyed John intently, hoping that he would be honest with him.
"I never said I felt hopeless," John said, trying his best to avoid answering the question. "I felt...guilty over the way I kept hurting the people I loved, over and over again. I didn't want to keep putting them through Hell just because they loved me. It really was something I should have done years ago...it wasn't a new idea, you know? But, not because I feel hopeless. I can't say I've ever felt that way."
Dr. DiLeo jotted down a few more notes, before putting down his pen and looking back at John. "There is something very interesting in what you're saying. You were concerned about Dave, and over how Dave would feel if you died. And you were concerned about how your family would feel. That tells me that you really didn't want to die at all, John. People who are truly suicidal do not stop and think about how their families and friends will react to their deaths, they choose the quickest means possible, and then they do it. I don't believe that you really wanted to die that day, John, and I don't believe that you really want to die now."
"I don't," John quickly replied, although he had been a bit worried that he would feel that way again. Thinking about it, he could see that Dr. DiLeo was right. The people who succeeded at suicide were usually the ones who didn't bother with notes or last thoughts. They just went out and did it.
"What's important," Dr. DiLeo continued. "Is that if you ever begin to have these thoughts again, you need to talk about them, as opposed to acting on them. I think you know more than you want to admit, that there would be a lot of people who would miss you terribly if you were to follow through with something as drastic as taking your own life."
Dave squeezed John's hand tighter at those words. He was full of emotion, and didn't dare speak out of fear of expression all of them in one sob. Dave loved John so much, and he honestly didn't know what he would do if John were no longer there -- in any form. And Dave was so thankful that Luka and Abby had found John that morning by the lake.
John thought that Dave was going to squeeze all of the blood out of his hand, the man's grasp was that tight. Looking over at Dave, John smiled. "I don't plan to ever leave you." And several times a day John prayed that Dave would never leave him again, because he knew that life wouldn't be worth living without Dave in it. John wasn't sure if that was a suicidal thought, and he sure as Hell wasn't going to ask DiLeo if it was, not in front of Dave. But, it was probably something that needed to be asked.
John squeezed Dave's hand back. "Think you could give us a few minutes alone? Maybe take some coffee out to Mom and Dad? He takes his black, she likes hers with a bit of milk and two spoonfuls of sugar."
Dr. DiLeo was actually pleased at this. It was a good thing that John was willing to talk to him alone without Dave being glued to his side. And it would probably be good for Dave to get some fresh air. He looked like he was close to fainting.
Dave looked from Dr. DiLeo back to John again. He didn't want to leave, but if John wanted to, he would do as asked. "Yeah, yeah...I can do that," he said, forcing a smile to his lips. Reluctantly Dave let go of John's hand, and gave him a final glance before heading out to the kitchen. A few moments later he had two mugs of coffee in his hand. "I'll...uh, be right outside if ya need me..." And out the door Dave went, shutting the door behind him.
To be continued.