By MonaCK and Cathy Roberts
Once they were alone, Dr. DiLeo turned towards John. "What is that you wanted to talk about?"
"Dave and I were together before, but I think I told you that already; that we had broken up, and then were reunited on the cruise," John said by way of an explanation. "I was miserable back then, just living day to day, not really caring about life in general. And now...now, my feelings for Dave are stronger than they were then. When he leaves me, I don't know...well, is feeling that your life won't be worth living the same thing as having suicidal thoughts?" John looked at the doctor, hoping he could handle the answer if it was 'yes'
Dr. DiLeo sat back in his chair. "What makes you so sure that Dave is going to leave you? Dave is very devoted to you, more so than some relationships that I've counseled that seemingly had no problems at all. . I think the answer to your question is that it's not the same, because first of all, I think with Dave you are not going to have to worry about that. And second of all, the two of us are working together, and I am going to try to get you to love *yourself* again, and you'll have those feelings less and less..." It was a roundabout answer, but Dr. DiLeo hoped that it was one that would suffice.
"And what if I get better and I'm not the same person I was before? The person he fell in love with? What then? Or what if he decides that he can't handle any more mood swings or me being pissy acting? It's pushing him now; it won't take much more for him to want to get away from me...from this shit I'm putting him through. Loving me doesn't mean he has to put up with it," John hotly replied. "I try to not let things bother me, but then I end up blowing up at him and almost yelling, getting angry and upset. Then he gets hurt and upset, then angry. Hell, we were fighting before you came over tonight. How much longer do you think he's going to want to put up with that? A week? A month?"
Dr. DiLeo pondered this for a moment. "I think that Dave loves you, and,. I'm going to let you in on a little secret, John. Couples fight. It doesn't mean that one person loves the other any less. My partner and I have been known to fight every now and then. And it's healthy. It is *much* healthier to get the words out instead of keeping them inside. One thing you're going to learn how to do together is learning how to fight, so that when it does happen, it's productive and getting your feelings out instead of keeping them inside. Dave loves you a lot, John, and it's going to take a lot more than mood swings and fighting to keep him away from you." These kinds of conversations were what assured Dr. DiLeo that John still had a long way to go in learning to love himself again.
"John Carter is a very special man," Dr. DiLeo quipped thoughtfully. "Don't you think that it's about time you learned to see that?"
"I know what I am," John softly replied. "But it's Dave who's the one that's special, not me." He glanced at his watch, hoping that their time was nearly over and wishing he had never asked those questions in the first place. His mother didn't really understand, neither did Dr. DiLeo. The fear that Dave would leave him if he turned into someone else was a fear that John was going to have to learn to deal with on his own.
Dr. DiLeo sighed once again. "It's not all going to come in one day, but I hope that one day soon you'll be able to see yourself as those around you see you." Jotting down a final note, Dr. DiLeo put his pad to the side, and shut off his tape recorder. "I think that's it for today. I know you don't want to see me until next week, but how about we compromise? I don't come tomorrow, or the day after, but three days from now. That'll give you some time to process what we've talked about. There is one condition, though. If you're feeling lost at all, if you're feeling like that there's no one you can talk to, and that making yourself go away is the only answer, then I want you to pick up the phone and call me so we can talk about it, okay?"
Three days wasn't quite what John had in mind, but it was better than having to face the shrink every day of the week. "Okay. I can do that. Don't worry about taking your coffee mug back to the kitchen, I'll take care of it." John rolled over to where Dr. DiLeo was sitting and took the half-full mug. "I guess I'll see you in a few days, then."
Dr. DiLeo laughed. He had been planning on finishing his coffee, but obviously John had other plans. "Sure. Three days," he said, standing up from his chair. "It was good speaking with you. I'll just go ahead and tell your parents and Dave to come back in, okay?" Picking up his belongings, DiLeo stood and headed for the front door.
John nodded. "Sure. Thanks, and drive carefully." He smiled at the doctor's retreating form, and then headed on into the kitchen, glad that the session was over, especially since he felt slightly worse about things than he had before it began. For something that was supposed to be helping him, John couldn't say too much for therapy.
Jack got to his feet when he saw DiLeo come out of the cottage. It had been a small, but hopeful shock when Dave had come outside with the coffee, and Jack had almost expected the session to run over. Instead, he was sure the session hadn't even lasted a full hour. "All done or were you just coming to get us for our turn?"
Dr. DiLeo shook his head. "That's it for today," he said, as he pulled the door closed behind him. "It wasn't an easy session, but I did get John to agree to see me in three days instead of a week, so that's good news. It's going to be a long road. But I think eventually we'll have a breakthrough," At least he hoped so. "I'm going to get going now. Just keep in mind that he's still going to be a bit raw over the things we discussed."
"Perhaps we should go back to the mansion," Eleanor said, her eyes a bit fearful. "I...I don't want to do or say anything that is going to get John more upset..."
Dave shrugged. "I'm going to go inside. I'm cool either way if ya wanna stay or go..." As it was, Dave was upset enough for being away from John as long as he had been. And, leaving John's parents to argue it out behind him, Dave opened the door, and headed back towards John.
John had rinsed out the coffee mug and was on his way back into the living room when he saw Dave come back into the house. "I was thinking that we could all have some dessert," he told Dave. "There's plenty of apple pie still left, and I know my parents like it. We could have it outside and enjoy the rest of the evening. They are still outside aren't they?" John needed so very much for his mind to not dwell on what they had discussed, and talking about normal things, like dessert, was about the only way he knew to keep his mind away from those topics.
Dave wasn't sure how he felt about John completely ignoring everything that went on during the session. "When I left 'em, they were still outside. As to whether or not they still are is anyone's guess," Dave said, smiling softly. He was suddenly feeling a bit awkward, almost as if John didn't want him in the room, and Dave was wondering if he had made a mistake agreeing to leave in the first place. What had they discussed? Did John tell Dr. DiLeo that he really didn't want to be with Dave, and that he needed to figure out a good way to break it off? Some of Dave's insecurities were sneaking up on him.
John looked intently at Dave, remembering what he had told Dr. DiLeo about how special Dave was. And he felt that right then would be a good moment to let Dave know that, too. Smiling at him, John motioned Dave toward him. "Come over here for a minute."
Dave looked up at John, cocking his head curiously to the side as John motioned for him. "Uhm...all right," he said, as he took a step closer. Was John going to kiss him, and THEN break it off? Dave wasn't sure if he wanted to find out, but at the same time, Dave could never resist anything that John wanted. "What's up?"
"Hold still," John said as he locked the wheels of the chair in place, and then got to his feet. Staying off of them as much as possible was helping in some aspects, as he could tell they were healing. But staying off of them also meant they felt a little extra tender when he first put weight on them. It was worth that, though, to let Dave know how special he was. John wrapped his arms around Dave's waist and looked directly into those dark eyes. "I just wanted to tell you what a special person you are, Dave Malucci. No matter what, I will always love you." John tenderly kissed Dave, hoping that the love he felt for the other man was being transmitted through that simple act.
Dave felt like a fool for being worried at all. But he couldn't help but feel insecure after all that had happened. But, one thing that Dave knew was that he should never doubt the love of the man in front of him. As the kiss ended, he smiled once more. "You know I'll always love ya too, John. I've loved ya for what seems like forever now, and nothin's gonna change that...ever. " Bringing up a hand to the side of his lover's face, Dave's smile softened ever so slightly. "Feel free to smack me upside the head the next time I act like an ass, okay?"
John grinned as he turned his head so he could gently lick the palm of Dave's hand. "Sure, but only if I get to kiss it to make it better...or were you talking about a *different* head?"
Dave shook his head and laughed. "You can use your discretion with that," Dave quipped, as he looked at where John's tongue was lickin' him. "An' you can kiss *that* head too if you smack it. In fact, you can kiss *that* head, even if ya don't smack it." This was better, the bantering back and forth. And John's mood was obviously improved, which in turn, improved Dave's mood. Maybe it would all work out. Just maybe.
John laughed, then gave Dave a quick kiss on the lips. "I don't think I'll ever need to smack it. Now, how about if you see if Mom and Dad are still around while I get out the pie?" he asked. But John kept standing there, his arms firmly around Dave's body. It felt too good to be standing right where he was and John didn't want to end that good feeling until he absolutely had to.
"I can do that," Dave said, also making no motion to move away from his lover. "But, I'm havin' far too much fun jus' bein' here with you. I'm guessin' they probably left, or they probably woulda come back in by now. I can check if ya want...but, you're gonna have to let go first," he teased, as he planted another light kiss on John's lips.
Jack cleared his throat from the doorway. "I seem to show up at the most inopportune times. Sorry." He was definitely going to have to work on getting used to seeing his son kissing another man, that was for sure, and Jack was really glad that Eleanor was still in her seat and not beside him. She had sent him to see if John was up to more company for the evening, as she wasn't sure that John would want them to stay around.
John pulled back from Dave, but he didn't let go of him as he turned to face his father. "That's okay. I was about to send Dave out to see if you and Mom were still outside. I thought that we could all have dessert. There's plenty of that apple pie leftover if you and Mom are hungry." John knew he was blushing, and he could only hope that neither his father nor Dave made any comments about it.
"Do they want visitors?" Eleanor asked as she took her place by her husband's side. After getting over her earlier uneasiness, she had surmised that she wouldn't mind spending a little more time with her son before retiring to the mansion. Her face blanched slightly at the sight of her son in the arms of another man, but, to her credit, she didn't say a word.
"Sure thing, Mrs. C.," Dave quipped, as he dropped one hand to his side. "We got some apple pie. Are you guys in the mood?"
John had to turn his head so his parents wouldn't catch his smirk over Dave's question. As he sat back down in the wheelchair, he thought that he'd definitely be in the mood by bedtime, and he hoped that Dave would be, too. Then John frowned as he thought how nice it would be IF his parents were in the mood. Then they wouldn't be divorcing and once more tearing his world apart.
John unlocked the brakes, then turned to face his parents. "Please say yes. We'd like to spend some more time with you guys." At least, he would. John had no idea how long their separation would continue before they actually filed for the divorce, and he felt that any second he could spend with both of his parents was time well spent.
Eleanor exchanged a look with Jack, and then turned back to her son. "Well, I don't know what Jack would like to do, but I would be happy to join the two of you for some dessert," she said, as she made her way into the house. Her being there served two purposes, first of all, it meant that she was going to be with her son, and also it meant that while she was there, he wasn't fooling around with Dave. While Eleanor might have been more accepting of it, she still was not exactly comfortable with the entire situation.
Jack nodded. "I'd love some pie, but how about if Eleanor and I get it? I think I remember how to find my way around a kitchen. Eleanor? Would you mind joining me?" Jack asked as he stepped up beside his wife.
John's eyebrows rose slightly at his father's offer since it had mostly seemed as if his dad had been anxious to get away from his mother. Maybe things with the separation weren't as cut and dried as John's dad wanted to think they were. John smiled. "Okay, we'll let you two handle things. I know you all just had coffee, so how about something else with the pie? Tea or milk?"
Eleanor eyed Jack curiously, but then slowly nodded. "Okay, sure. Maybe I can boil some water for tea if you want."
Dave nodded. "Yeah, some tea sounds good to me," he quipped as he looked over to John with a grin. And as Eleanor followed Jack into the kitchen, he turned towards John fully. "Good. They're gonna stay for dessert, and then we can have some dessert of our own," Dave teased as he snaked his arm around John's shoulders.
John chuckled, and nodded his agreement. "I was thinking the very same thing. Guess you've just got to add mind-reader to the list of all the things that make you so special. Even Mom thinks that you're a special guy. Speaking of which, did you see how happy Dad looked when Mom said okay about helping him in the kitchen? Do you think they might not get divorced after all? John asked with a grin. He was so hoping that his parents would realize they were still very much in love and not leave each other.
Dave shrugged. "I dunno. Your parents have a lot of history, and it would be a shame to throw all of that away. I jus' hope that they do whatever makes the two of them happy, ya know? 'Cause in the end, if the person you're with isn't someone who makes ya happy, then what do ya have?" Dave's grin broadened. "And jus' for the record," he quipped as he looked down towards John once again. "You make me very, very happy..."
John smiled up at Dave. "I feel the same way." He couldn't quite get past that fear, though, that Dave would leave him if he changed, but John figured that until and unless his fear of Dave leaving him became a reality, he'd enjoy every moment possible with Dave. "Oh, hey, you never did mention when you start your new job. Tomorrow? The next day? Next week?"
Jack was coming out of the kitchen with the pie and some saucers. "Dave has a new job? But I thought you were happy working with mother?" he asked as he put the things down on the table.
Dave was about to answer John when Mr. Carter came into the room. So he directed his speech to both men instead of just one. "Yeah, I start next week. I was very happy workin' with your mom, but it's really a conflict of interest. Because John's so close to his grandmother, it wouldn't be good for me to be her personal physician. Dr. Meyers agreed, and offered me a spot in his practice, with the potential to be partner after my residency is over." Dave was smiling broadly. Despite everything, it had all worked out for the best.
Jack grinned broadly. "That's excellent news, Dave, just excellent. And you're probably right about staying on being a potential conflict of interest. It wasn't something I'd thought about, but I'm sure I have relatives who would have jumped on it if something had happened to mother. Now, if we could only convince Johnny that a private practice is the route to go, then we'll be doing even better, won't we? I don't mind saying that he can't get out of that hospital soon enough to suit me."
John sighed, wondering why it was that whenever he was feeling upbeat and hopeful, someone had to come along and say or do something to bring him down? "Dad, we've been over this before. I like working in trauma and I like working at County General."
"Right. That's why you were all set to go to another hospital. Mother told me that you were about to get into a better place when you were offered the position of Chief Resident." Jack replied, wondering why John hadn't turned down that offer and accepted the more reasonable one.
"Whoa...there's nothin' wrong with County," Dave retorted, as he looked from father to son. "I'd still be there if I could, but I can't. In fact, bein' in trauma is what I love best, and County is one of the best around as far as practicin' that is concerned..." Dave shook his head. "But now isn't the time to argue this...now's the time to have pie..." Dave was trying desperately to keep the conversation positive. The last thing that he wanted to deal with was John sinking into some sort of depression again.
"Tea's about ready," Eleanor stated as she walked out of the kitchen. And as she felt the tension in the room, she froze in her spot. What had she walked into?
Jack blinked hard, then realized that his desire to have John in a safe work environment was most likely being taken the wrong way. One good look at John told Jack that John was doing just that, and he immediately felt guilty over saying anything about it. "Dave's right, now is the time for pie, not talk about work. I need to get something to get the pie out of the tin, and some forks. I'll be right back." Jack retreated into the kitchen, hoping that he hadn't said too much.
John looked down at the floor and sighed. He had thought his father had come to terms with his profession of choice, but he obviously hadn't. It wasn't as prestigious to have your son the doctor wasting his time away in a public hospital, not when he could have been working in either a lucrative private practice, or in a hospital with a better reputation. Well, at least Jack would have Dave to brag about, since he never could seem to find anything worthwhile about John to ever share with his friends and colleagues.
John looked up, determined to not let his father's bull-headedness ruin the evening. "I think we have some herbal teas in the cabinet, Mom. I think I'd like something with a kick to it, like a spiced tea. What about you, Dave?" John looked over at Dave with a slight smile, grateful that Dave's intervention had stopped his father from saying even more.
Dave nodded. "How 'bout some lemon herb, Mrs. C?"
A slight smile flickered across Eleanor's face, and she nodded and headed back into the kitchen as well. As soon as the woman was out of earshot, Dave turned towards John with a slightly worried expression. "Hey...you okay?"
John's first instinct was to reassure Dave that he was 'okay', but he knew that was a lie and he was sure that Dave would know it was a lie as well. So, John shook his head. "No, but I will be. I guess that some old habits, like him not approving of my choices in life, are hard to break. It's something I should be used to by now, you know? That nothing I do will ever be good enough for him. I know it; I just make the mistake of trying to forget about it from time to time. It's not a big deal. As you said, now is the time for pie." John said, smiling slightly.
Dave furrowed his brow, and looked over to John thoughtfully. "I think in his own way, your Dad is jus' worried about ya," Dave said, bringing his eyes down to meet John's. "But regardless, I don't wanna see ya upset. And it would be over somethin' really silly..." Dave was about to say something further when Eleanor came out of the kitchen carrying a small tray.
"The tea is ready, boys," she said, setting the hot beverages on the table.
John was grateful for his mother's interruption since he didn't want to have to get into it with Dave that he knew his father much better than Dave did. Hell, John had put up with Jack's plans for his future for long enough to know how the man felt about his career. And John had also put up with being a disappointment to his father for years, so he knew Dave couldn't argue with him over that. "The tea smells great, thanks, Mom," John said as he headed over to the table. "I think Dad's looking for a knife or pie server, and the forks," John told her. "I guess that he doesn't remember as much about a kitchen as he thought."
"I heard that," Jack playfully said as he exited the kitchen. He waved a handfull of forks in John's direction. "I found everything we needed," he said as he set the forks down by the small plates. "Does anyone want cheddar cheese on their pie?"
John grinned. "I can go for that," he said as he picked up the pie server and put a slice of pie on a plate, then passed it to his mother. "Let me get Mom and Dave served and then you can take ours back into the kitchen to heat them up so the cheese will be all melty. You *do* know how to use a microwave, don't you?"
"I'll call for help if I can't figure it out," Jack joked back, then he waited for the pie to be served. "Eleanor? Dave? Either of you want cheese on your pie?"
"Of course," Eleanor replied, the briefest of smiles crossing her lips. "What's apple pie without some cheddar cheese?" She handed the plate back to her husband as her expression returned to it's normal stoic state.
"Uh...no thanks, Mr. C..." Dave said. Cheddar Cheese just did *not* go on apple pie. Ice cream? Yes. Maybe a little cinnamon, but definitely not cheese. "You guys are *all* weird," Dave commented, as he looked around the table. "Cheese on apple pie?"
John laughed over Dave's expression. "One of these days, Dave, you'll find yourself eating it AND liking it, too. How about some ice cream, then? I think there's some in the freezer." John handed a plate of pie to his father, then served up two more slices, one for himself and one for Dave while Jack headed back into the kitchen.
"Ice cream I can go for," Dave said, as he called after John's father. The grin that was on his lips grew broader as he allowed himself to relax. Dave supposed that in a way, this was his family now. And he liked that, he liked that a lot. For even though John's family was far from 'normal', it was by leaps and bounds better than what Dave had grown up in. At least, John still kept in touch with his parents, and didn't hate them with every fiber of his being like Dave did his.
Jack laughed from the doorway. "Hold your horses, son, I can only fill two orders at a time. Let me get these started in the microwave and I'll be back for your pie. I'm hoping that the ice cream in question is vanilla?"
"Yeah," John chimed in as he grinned at Dave. "You don't want something gross on it, like chocolate or butter pecan, do you?"
Dave laughed out loud at that. "Jus' because...I think I'll have some *chocolate* on my apple pie," he teased, as he looked back over towards John. This bantering back and forth was a Hell of a lot of fun, and was something that Dave could definitely get used to.
John made a big show of shuddering. "It's a good thing I love you, you know that? Chocolate syrup on apple pie? That is just too much."
Jack came back through the doorway and put two plates with of pie with melting cheese on top of them in front of Eleanor and John. "So, no ice cream, but chocolate syrup instead?" Jack asked as he reached for Dave's pie.
Dave shook his head. "Naa...no chocolate syrup. I'm not *that* disgustin'," he quipped, as he reached for his piece of pie. "Jus' plain pie is actually okay for me, and how I like it best." Dave looked around at the plates of pie with cheese melted over the top, and shook his head again. "I can' believe you guys think this is normal. You'd get your butts kicked in New York if ya tried to order cheese on your apple pie," he teased, as he looked back over towards John.
Jack sat down, "I'll have mine plain, too, then. We don't want you feeling left out, do we?" he said. "As for New York, apple pie with melted cheddar cheese on it is on the dessert menu at many of the finer restaurants. They just give it a French name and people end up eating it, thinking that it's some exotic European dessert."
John sent a wary glance at his father, then began to eat at his pie. It was hard to know that he didn't have his father's approval, but even harder to see that Dave was going to be the 'good son' in the family, capable of doing no wrong. First there was the praise over Dave's job, now Jack was foregoing his usual preference for how he ate apple pie so that Dave wouldn't feel out of place. While John was thankful that his parents, his father, mostly, approved of Dave, he wasn't so sure that he was comfortable with Jack liking Dave more than he liked his own son. Then again, why wouldn't he like him more? John smiled across the table at Dave. The man WAS special, and a good doctor as well as a good person. He deserved to be liked.
"Thanks," Dave said, grabbing the plate from John's father. "And...uh...I'll haveta take your word on the fancy restaurants..." Yet another difference between him and the Carter family, Dave thought. The only way a member of the Malucci family saw the inside of a fancy restaurant was as a waiter or a busboy. And while Dave had done his share of waiting tables, it was mostly at his uncle's Italian restaurant in Little Italy. And one thing they did *not* have on the menu was apple pie with cheese on it.
Dave dug his fork into his piece of pie and smiled. "This sure looks good," he said as he brought the sweet dessert to his lips. "Yeah, real good..."
Jack laughed. "It's good to see you have a hearty appetite, Dave. Enjoy." He dug into his own pie, happy that John had found someone as easy to get along with as Dave seemed to be.
John cringed inside at the implied meaning behind his father's words. If Dave had a hearty appetite, then that meant that John's appetite wasn't hearty. Just as his choice of a career was lacking, and so on. John pushed his fork through the cheese, his appetite gone, moving the fork around and cutting into the pie every now and then, hoping no one would really notice that he wasn't eating anything.
Dave was happily eating his pie, but also keeping a close eye on John. The fact that John's mood was suddenly pensive had not gone past Dave. And he eyed him worriedly as he placed his own fork on the side of his plate. "Ya know," Dave said, as he looked over towards John's parents. "It's gettin' a little late. Maybe we should think about callin' it an evenin'?"
Eleanor had been sitting by silently eating her pie while all of the conversation was going on. She wasn't one for joking around, but she also didn't want to impede on the fun of those around her. Her head shot up at Dave's words, and she nodded. "I actually am a bit tired..."
Jack checked his watch. "It's only a bit past eight, but it has been a long day, hasn't it?" He finished off his pie, and then pushed his chair back. "That was nice, boys, thank you."
"Don't worry about clearing the table. I'll take care of it," John said, glad that the day was coming to an end. The last thing in the world he wanted was to ever feel any resentment toward Dave, especially over something Dave couldn't control, such as Jack liking him better than his own son.
"I don't mind. It won't take long to scrape and rinse the plates," Jack said as he got to his feet.
Used to years of having his wishes ignored, John looked away from his father and set his fork down. "Fine. Do what you want, you always do," he quietly said.
Jack stopped in the process of picking up his own plate and looked over at John, then at Eleanor and Dave, confusion in his eyes. He wasn't sure if he should ask what John meant by that, especially after the few things he had heard John say during his session. Finally, Jack put the plate back down on the table. "Well, again, thank you for the dessert. Eleanor and I can show ourselves out. I guess we'll see the two of you sometime tomorrow."
Dave nodded, casting John a glance before looking back over towards his parents. "Thanks for sharin' it with us. Won't take us long to clean up..."
Dave watched as John's parents left the cottage, and his expression turning towards worry once again, Dave looked back over towards his lover. He was silent for a moment, and finally he found his voice. "Ya...ya wanna talk about it?"
John shook his head. "Not really. It's just something I need to work out on my own, that's all. I'm sorry that I ruined your evening, though. Want to give me a chance to make it up to you by going to bed early?" he asked with a hopeful smile. "After we get this cleaned up, of course."
Dave laughed. "Sure, we can do that. It shouldn't take us that long. I think we can put the rest of the pie in the fridge for later..." Dave still couldn't help but be concerned about John's reaction to his father. It was sure to be another discussion for another day, but for right then, Dave was happy to just be with John, and doing mundane things like the dishes, with the person he loved more than anything else in the world.
"Sounds good to me. I think there's room in the dishwasher for the dishes, and I already put the soap in there, so it's good to go. How about if I handle the kitchen duty while you lock up down here and get the lights off?" John said as he started to collect plates and forks. The sooner they were upstairs, the better chance he'd have of making things right with Dave, as well as making sure that Dave felt loved.
Dave nodded and headed off to take care of things, feeling more than a bit of relief over the fact that the day was nearly over. Tomorrow would be better, he thought. Hell, each day to come would be better. He locked the door and glanced toward the kitchen, unable to see John, but able to hear him moving around in there. Dave smiled. Yeah, each and every day to come would be better, simply because they were together.
To be continued.