Author: Cathy Roberts
Pairing: JC/DM
Rating: NC-17
Date: December 10, 2005
Archive: Please ask first
Disclaimer: "ER" and all its characters belong to Warner Bros. No infringement of their copyright is intended. This story was written for the enjoyment of "ER" fans everywhere, and may be downloaded for your own pleasure. Thanks to everyone at the Mature ER FanFiction Critique Corner for their comments and suggestions.
Summary: Dave Malucci meets John Carter in college, and nothing will ever be the same. Be warned that this story contains scenes of sexual assault, kinky sex and bad language in places.
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John had been thinking about pain for a long time, even longer than since February, when the accident had happened. It seemed to him that pain of one kind or another had been a part of his life since childhood. Or, more specifically, since Bobby was diagnosed with leukemia. That had been emotional pain at first, then the pain from donating bone marrow, then more emotional pain when the transplant didn't take and Bobby died.
Since February, John had been facing a lot of physical pain along with the emotional. All in all, he thought, the physical pain was easier to handle. He could take meds, fall asleep and wake up pain free - at least until he moved. There was a respite from it, even if it was a brief one. The emotional pain, though, seemed constant, and at that moment was nearly overwhelming.
John had been wary ever since his parents' return to Chicago a week earlier. He knew they were going to lay into him about wanting to stay at County, and with every visit, his apprehension grew. It was harder when those visits would end without them saying anything about the accident or his work at the hospital. Of course, their silence probably had more to do with the fact that they kept coming to the apartment when Dave was there. John knew that they'd never make a scene in front of someone they considered a 'stranger,' and that made him safe as long as Dave was there.
But today, they'd taken him by surprise. His reconciliation with his grandmother had the added benefit of the use of her driver, Alger. Alger was there to take him to his physical therapy sessions, and there again when John was finished, to take him home. But today, when John left his PT session, he instead found his parents waiting and Alger nowhere in sight. And so, John had gone with his parents, dread building within him as he realized that this was it; this was the day when they'd put the pressure on him. True to form, they didn't say a thing in front of the man driving the car they'd hired, and even once in the apartment, they were still making polite conversation.
His mother had gotten him water so he could take his pain meds, and then she and his father sat on the couch and watched as John took the pills and drained the glass of its contents. As John put the glass on the side table, he wondered just what kind of sins he must have committed in a past life for him to be unable to ever do anything to please his parents. He'd tried, oh how he'd tried, but nothing he did was ever good enough, and there were times when John felt as it he were being judged against a fantasy. Bobby had been no more than a child when he died, but that didn't keep John's family from speculating on what Bobby would have done if he'd lived, what he would have become. Bobby would have gone to law school and joined the family business. Unlike Chase, Bobby would have thrived, and never turned to drugs. Bobby would have already been married, with one, maybe two children, by now -- the perfect son with the perfect wife and life and family.
And John had no way to compete with that, especially now that he was able to admit to himself that he loved another man. There'd be no 'perfect' wife, no 'perfect' grandchildren. His family would reject Dave, not want him OR his son around for family functions, even though John would still be expected to be there. No, there was no way to compete unless John turned away from the love that Dave gave him, and John had no intention of doing that. That was one area where John had strong resolve, unlike his desire to remain at County General as a doctor. And it was knowing that his resolve was weak on that is what scared John the most about the upcoming lecture and attempt to get him to see reason about his chosen career.
"So," Eleanor said, her eyes carefully watching John. "When will you be able to go back to work?"
"In about five weeks," John replied, and he hoped that his frustration over that didn't show through in his voice. Having the colostomy reversed had set him back on that timetable. Six weeks, at the least, from the surgery, or so Benton had said, and John was pretty sure that Benton would hold him to that.
Eleanor and Jack both nodded, and this time it was Jack who spoke. "Have you given any thought about what you're going to do once your sick leave is over?"
Sick leave. What an interesting way to phrase what he was going through, John thought. But, he didn't point out that it was more of a medical leave of absence and not some cold or bout with the flu that he was getting over. Instead, John nodded. "I'll be going back to work, but on short shifts until I regain my full strength and mobility. I'm pretty sure that I won't be working any traumas when I first go back, but we get plenty of other types of cases, so I'll have plenty of work to do." John glanced at his glass, wishing he had more water so that he'd have something to do with his hands.
Eleanor's eyes followed the direction of John's glance. "Would you like something more to drink?" she asked, and John nodded.
As Eleanor went to the kitchen with his glass, John looked over at his father. "When will you and Mom leave Chicago?"
"Tomorrow," Jack replied. "We've done what we could here as far as business matters are concerned, but there are some things that I simply have to do in person."
"Back to Tokyo, then? Or are you going somewhere else?" John asked, wondering why it was that he always had to question his parents about their itineraries. They never simply told him where they'd be, even though that would be quicker. They always seemed to wait for him to ask, and John would always come away from an encounter or telephone call with them feeling as if he was some stranger seeking personal information and not their son who had the right to know where they were and how they were doing.
"Back to Tokyo," Jack replied as Eleanor returned with a full glass of water.
"Thanks," John said as he took the glass from her. He sipped at it as he watched her take her seat beside his father, her hands folded ever-so-casually in her lap.
"John, we're concerned about you going back to work in that place. It's always worried us that you chose to work in that kind of a hospital, but with your recent...problem, it's obvious that County General isn't a safe working environment. Have you considered applying for work elsewhere?" Eleanor said, concern evident in her voice.
As in a rich, private hospital, John mentally added. He shook his head. "I'm happy working there, Mom. As for safety issues...bad things can happen at anytime, to anyone." John took another sip of the water, glad to have something to do while he gathered his thoughts. "County General might not be located in the best neighborhood in Chicago, but it's a fine hospital, with a lot of wonderful doctors, nurses and technicians on staff. I can't really envision myself working anywhere else right now."
"In any other hospital, no, I wouldn't imagine that you would," Jack evenly said. "However, medicine is not the only career option open to you."
John couldn't keep from smiling as he heard the words he'd been waiting a week to hear. "Took you long enough," he said, and was rewarded by puzzled expressions on both of their faces. "I knew that you both wanted to talk me into giving up medicine and working for the company, I just didn't know when you were going to get around to your lecture and speeches. Gamma's already tried to sway me, you know. Or maybe you don't know? I forgot that you don't like to go over to see them when you come back to Chicago."
John took another sip of his water, then set the glass on the table. "I hate to disappoint you yet again, but I have no intention of throwing away all of those years of medical school and my residency just because some patient with a mental problem stabbed me. I like...no, I love, being a doctor, and I won't let this keep me from doing what I love doing. The people who come to County aren't a part of the country club set, Hell, most of them probably wouldn't be good enough in the eyes of management to get hired at a country club, but they're good people. People who deserve good medical care, even though they can't afford to pay for it. And I provide good medical care, and I'm not going to let this keep me from continuing to provide that care. Now, if you'd like to talk about something else, then please, make yourselves comfortable and we'll talk. But, if you just want to sit there, continuing with your efforts to convince me to give up what I do best, then I think you should just go, because physical therapy tends to wear me out, and I'd much rather nap than listen to the same words over and over." As he finished speaking, John wasn't sure who was the most surprised at his little speech - his parents or himself. He hadn't intended to be that bold with them, but it had happened. It felt good, too.
John looked across at his parents, hoping that they'd stay, but pretty sure in his heart that they'd leave. They'd done their parental duties by coming all the way to Chicago to check up on him and to try to dissuade him from what they surely felt was a disastrous career. They could now return to Tokyo secure in the knowledge that once more, they'd done their best by him, only to be rebuffed by his stubbornness.
As expected, both John's mother and father began to make excuses as to why they needed to leave right then. "Of course," John said, smiling to let them know that he wasn't upset. "You need to pack, and get some rest. It's a long flight from here to Tokyo. I would show you to the door, but..." John gestured toward the hated walker as his parents nodded their understanding of the situation.
There were hugs and some kisses on his cheek and then John was alone in the apartment. Sitting there in the silence, John debated about staying put or going on to bed to rest before Dave's shift ended. John didn't want to be tired when Dave came home, but right at that moment, sleep didn't hold any attraction to him. John reached for the television remote and aimed it toward the TV, clicking it on and going from station to station, only pausing long enough to wipe his tears away.
Dave's foot tapped impatiently against the floor of the elevator as he waited for it to reach Carter's floor. He'd been late getting out of work, and was worried that Carter's parents might have shown up while he wasn't there. God, if those people left yesterday, it wouldn't be too soon, Dave thought. He'd been there during their visits during the week, and had been well aware of the tension that existed between Carter and his folks. Dave didn't want to think about what might happen if Carter's folks got him alone. Carter had told him before about how his family had never wanted him to be a doctor in the first place, and that now he was afraid that they'd try to use the attack as a reason to get him to switch careers. Dave knew that Carter didn't need that kind of pressure right now, the guy was still dealing with the stabbing itself, and being guilted into quitting something he loved wouldn't be the best thing for him right now.
The elevator came to a stop, finally, and Dave hurried out of it as soon as the doors opened. At the apartment door, Dave paused to unlock the door, and he strained his ears, thinking he heard the sound of the television or radio from inside. He checked his watch and frowned. Carter's PT appointments were always at the same time, and once home, Carter would take something for the pain and then nap. Going by that schedule, Carter should be in bed, with the apartment quiet around him. If the television were on, then that meant that Carter either didn't make it to his PT session, or something else had happened to prevent him from taking his nap.
Dave quickly unlocked the door and stepped inside of the apartment, and his worry instantly fled when he saw that Carter was asleep in the easy chair. The television was on, but the volume was low, and Dave figured that Carter must have been too wiped out after PT to make it to bed. Dave locked the door and tossed his coat over the back of one of the dining room chairs, then went over and turned off the television before turning to look at Carter. Should he carry Carter to bed or wake him up and let him make his own way to bed? Or maybe he should just start dinner and let Carter's stomach do the waking up?
As he stood there looking at Carter, Dave started to think about how young and innocent people looked while asleep. Everyone had that trait, but with Carter it seemed so much more pronounced, probably because his eyes were closed and you couldn't see into the depths of his soul. And it was such an old soul, Dave thought as he sat down on the coffee table, full of pain and having seen far too much in his nearly thirty years.
Carter's head moved restlessly against the back of the chair, and Dave immediately began to worry if he was having a nightmare. He was just about to awaken Carter when he noticed that the front of Carter's sweatpants were beginning to tent, and Dave grinned as he realized that Carter was having a dream about sex. Dave's grin wavered a bit, though, as he thought about how lacking their lovelife had been lately. And then he felt guilty for thinking that way. After all, Carter was making sure that he was taken care of, performing oral sex at the drop of a hat whenever he thought Dave was the least bit aroused. Dave knew it was too soon to be expecting Carter to feel physically up to intercourse, but he didn't understand why Carter wouldn't let him reciprocate the oral sex when Carter was obviously aroused. And Carter was getting aroused, Dave couldn't help but notice that fact during the times that Carter was getting him off. Dave had thought that once the colostomy was reversed, then Carter would be okay with having Dave going down on him, but nothing had changed since that surgery.
And Dave was aching for some change, aching to get his mouth on Carter's cock once more. It had been so long, and for a short part of that time, Dave had been afraid that Carter would die. Then he was afraid that Carter would pull away from him. As Dave looked on, Carter's pants tented even more, and the next thing Dave knew, he was on his knees between Carter's legs. Why not awaken Carter with an intimate kiss, Dave thought as his hands went to loosen the drawstring at Carter's waist. He looked up as Carter's head turned to the side, but since his eyes didn't open, Dave figured that he was good to go. The pain medication that Carter took after his PT sessions was pretty potent, and would keep him dead to the world for hours afterward. Dave didn't need Carter dead to the world right then, but he did want him asleep enough to not know what was happening at first.
With the drawstring undone, Dave found it easy to ease the waist of the sweatpants down Carter's hips, exposing his boxers. God, another level of clothing to go through, Dave thought with more than a bit of exasperation. Luckily for him, though, the boxers actually had a snap at the fly, and Dave undid that, and then parted the cotton material. Carter's cock flexed upward, rising a bit into the air, hard and sleek. Maybe it had missed him, too, Dave thought with a grin. He eased forward a bit more and then lowered his mouth onto the cockhead, quickly encasing it with his mouth. Dave felt a thrill shoot through him as Carter's cock swelled a bit more, and having his confidence boosted by that, Dave slowly began to take in all of Carter's cock.
Dave let his mouth, lips and tongue work over Carter's cock for what felt to be minutes before he felt Carter's fingers threading through his hair. Dave smiled around the hard shaft, glad that Carter was awake, and felt even gladder when he heard a low moan coming from Carter's throat. He was enjoying this, Carter was enjoying this, and for Dave, everything was right with the world.
And then everything went wrong when Carter's fingers tightened, and Dave felt his head being roughly pulled up from Carter's cock.
"What are you doing?"
Dave looked up, more startled by the tone of Carter's voice than by the action itself. Carter had sounded scared, and Dave felt a bit guilty that maybe he had startled him awake instead of awakening him gently with pleasure. "You were dreaming, and got hard. I just thought...well, I wanted to let you wake up pleasurably." Dave shrugged. "I didn't mean to scare you."
Carter nodded. "You didn't." Carter's face then began to turn a cute shade of pink as he went on to ask, "I didn't...do anything, did I?"
"You mean, did you come yet?" Dave asked, thinking it was pretty obvious that Carter hadn't done any such thing.
"No. I know I didn't do that. I meant was there any...well, anything else?"
Dave thought a second, and then figured out that Carter was asking if there'd been any pre-come, and he shook his head. "No. Unfortunately for me," Dave said with a small grin. "I like tasting you."
Carter shook his head as he pulled his pants back up, covering his now limp cock. "You can't do that again."
"Why?" Dave asked, his patience suddenly at an end over Carter's reluctance to be the recipient of oral sex. "You like it, and I like doing it. So tell me why you suddenly won't let me go down on you?"
Carter looked away from Dave and shook his head. Dave was about to insist that Carter answer him when Carter looked back at him. "It's not safe, Dave."
"Not safe?" Dave felt lost at Carter's answer. "Since when is it not safe for me to go down on you? We did it before..."
"I had to have blood transfusions, Dave. I know that they say the blood supply is safe, but I don't want to risk that with you. I'd never forgive myself if you caught something from me."
Dave's anger drained away as he saw the fear and uncertainty in Carter's eyes, and he inched a bit closer to the chair. "Baby, I doubt if there's a risk of that, but just in case, I'd be more than willing to use a condom. I miss being with you, John. I miss how good it feels to feel your hands in my hair, and hear your breath hitch as you start to feel good because of what I'm doing for you."
Dave reached out and grabbed Carter's hands, holding them tightly within his own. "I love you."
Carter looked down at their hands, then back at Dave, and a moment later, a smile started at the corner of his lips. "I love you, too. I just didn't want to insist that you use a condom. When I had the colostomy, it didn't seem to matter, anyway, because I knew you wouldn't want to be near me down there as long as that was there."
Dave shook his head. "That's where you're wrong, baby. If you would have given me the okay, I'd have been down on you in a heartbeat. And now that you've let me know why you haven't let me do that for you, why don't we go into the bedroom and do this properly?"
Carter's smile grew and he shook his head. "I'm quite comfortable here. What about you? Are you comfortable out here?"
Dave grinned back. "I'm very comfortable, thank you for asking. But, I think I'd be more comfortable if you had those pants off. So, why don't you take care of that while I go to the bedroom and grab us a condom or two?"
"Two? Planning ahead?" Carter asked as he started to pull the sweatpants down his hips.
"Most definitely. You've been going without for a while now, and so have I. I plan to make you come screaming my name...several times, if possible." Dave got to his feet and started for the bedroom, but he stopped and looked back at Carter. "And when you think you feel up to doing more, don't hesitate to say so. I'm a patient man, but not so patient as to be celibate for ages, especially when I've got a cute boyfriend waiting here for me." Dave winked at Carter to take the edge off of his words. But he was more than ready to resume full relations with Carter, and Dave hoped that Carter was feeling that way, too.
Carter grinned back at him. "I'll keep that in mind," he said, and winked back. "Especially since I never enjoyed celibacy all that much myself when with someone."
Dave nodded, a grin still on his face. It was good to see Carter smiling as if he really felt it, and Dave couldn't stop himself from going over to the chair. "I think I need a kiss to tide me over until I get back," he said as he leaned over and captured Carter's chin in his hand.
Carter looked up at him, and Dave's cock twitched as he saw the want and desire...and yes, love, that was shining there. "I think I need that, too," Carter softly said, lifting his face toward Dave's.
Dave quickly closed the space between their mouths, and as their lips met, he found himself once more glad that fate had brought the two of them together, and that Carter had found it in his heart to forgive him for that mess of things back when they were in college together.
"And later," Carter said as the kiss ended, "I'll tell you all about what happened when my parents showed up to bring me home from PT."
The kiss was nice, promising even better things to come, and Dave's body was definitely responding to those promises. The fact that his little head was in control at that moment made it take a few seconds for Carter's words to sink in. And when they did, Dave felt a mixture of worry and rage that Carter had had to deal with his parents by himself. He looked at Carter, not sure what to say, but knowing that he didn't want to put the conversation off. If the bastards had hurt John in any way...
What Dave saw when he looked into Carter's eyes though, was confidence mixed with a bit of sadness. No worry, no fear, and that was enough to let Dave be willing to talk later, as Carter had mentioned. "Okay," Dave finally said, knowing that he really couldn't trust himself to say more. The grin returned to his face though, when Carter took his hand and placed it against his cock. His hard cock. Dave looked down, even though he didn't need a visual reminder that Carter wanted him - he just liked seeing Carter hard for him.
"Be right back," Dave said after placing another kiss against Carter's lips.
"You'd better be," Carter replied with a grin of his own.
As Dave went into the bedroom, he was conscious of the fact that Carter's eyes were upon him the entire time, and he hurried, grabbing the box of condoms and the tube of lube, just in case it was needed. Carter might not be physically ready for intercourse, but that didn't mean he wasn't ready to have Dave use his fingers to bring him to completion.
When Dave stepped out of the bedroom, he had to stop to look at Carter. The sweatpants and boxers were gone, tossed to the side, and Carter's cock stood proudly in the air, pre-come making the cockhead glisten in the light of the nearby table lamp. Carter's head was resting against the back of the chair, his hair easily brushing the collar of the T-shirt he was wearing. Dave liked Carter with his hair longer, it made him look younger, though, which Dave knew Carter hated. Still, it was cute the way the ends tended to curl, Dave thought as he slowly stepped closer. The only thing that would make the picture perfect, Dave thought, would have been if the T-shirt were on the floor with the sweatpants. Dave wanted to run his tongue over all of Carter, but he knew that Carter was still very self-conscious about his scars. Heck, the guy wouldn't even take his shirt off in front of Dave unless the lights were turned down low. Still, getting over that self-consciousness would be a part of Carter's healing, and Dave knew he had to be patient. Considering the prize that awaited him for that patience, Dave didn't mind...too much.
Dave settled his body on the floor between Carter's legs, and Carter opened his eyes and smiled down at him. Their eyes locked, Dave put the supplies on the floor and ran his hands up Carter's thighs, letting his fingers get close to Carter's balls and cock, but never touching either one. It sent a thrill through Dave when Carter closed his eyes and his lips parted slightly as Carter let out a low moan.
"God, Dave...don't tease me like this," Carter said, his voice tight with emotion. His eyes opened and locked once more on Dave's. "Please don't tease me...just do it."
"Just do it?" Dave asked, a grin on his lips. "You mean this?" His right hand came up to firmly grasp Carter's hard shaft while his left hand wrapped around Carter's balls, squeezing gently. The cock swelled within Dave's grasp, and Carter had to catch his breath from the touching. "Yeah, you mean something like that," Dave said with a smile.
Dave wanted to tease Carter just a bit more, but all of a sudden he felt as if he couldn't wait any longer. He grabbed a condom and quickly slipped it over Carter's cock, then lowered his mouth over the cockhead, glad that they'd bought regular condoms and not the lubricated kind. Although, as awful as those might taste, if they'd been all that were at Dave's disposal, then he would have suffered the taste if it meant having Carter at his mercy once more.
It was later, once they'd moved to the bedroom, that the time came for more conversation. Both men were fully sated, and their bodies were fighting between sleep and getting something to eat, they'd worked up quite an appetite over the afternoon.
"So, tell me about what happened with your parents," Dave said as he held Carter within his arms. If the encounter had been bad despite Carter saying that it hadn't, then Dave felt this was the best time to talk about it, when Carter was slightly sleepy and fully relaxed.
"Not much to tell," Carter replied as he ran his hand lightly over Dave's chest. "When I was done with PT, they were there instead of Alger, and they insisted on driving me home. Once we got here, they started in about me quitting." Carter then fell silent, and Dave immediately felt guilty for not being there to keep them from harassing Carter in that way.
"Then what happened?" Dave softly asked, his own hands skimming over Carter's skin.
"I told them that I loved being a doctor and had no intention of leaving County. I then told them that if that's all they wanted to talk about, then they could leave." It seemed to Dave that there was a slight strain in Carter's voice as he said the last part, and that suspicion was soon backed up when Dave felt a wetness against his chest. Carter was crying.
"Oh." Dave's reply was simple. He didn't want to make Carter talk about something that was obviously upsetting him. But he also wanted Carter to know that he was there for him.
"They decided to go back to their hotel to pack," Carter said. "They're going back to Tokyo tomorrow. They wanted to make sure I was all right, and to do their quarterly attempt to get me to see the error of their ways. They managed to accomplish both things."
Carter sniffled, and Dave reached up and wiped his thumb over Carter's cheek. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be. I've lived most of my life trying to please them, and it's finally sinking in that that's something I'll never accomplish. They live in their own little world, and every now and then, they let me into it, but not for long. It's time for me to quit knocking on that door, you know? Time to grow up and realize that while my parents might have loved me at one time, that love is no longer there. At least, not the way it was."
Dave had no clue what to say to something like that. He wanted to reassure Carter, tell him that his parents did love him, but their actions didn't exactly back that up. The two of them hadn't exactly fallen all over themselves to get to Chicago when Carter'd been stabbed. Yeah, they'd called, but that was it, and in Dave's eyes, that wasn't nearly enough. So, instead of saying something, Dave turned his head slightly and kissed the top of Carter's head, then tightened his hold around him. "I love you."
"I know," Carter snuggled even closer, and Dave felt Carter's lips against his chest, "Believe me, I know. And you'll never know just how grateful I am that you do."