Dave held tighter onto the bike. He didn't know how he'd got himself into this situation. There was a guy offering to suck his cock in an elevator. It was seedy. He'd never wanted anything like this for himself. Well he wanted it, but he didn't want it. He didn't want to want it. And...and it was awful.
Usually, Dave would respond to John when they were alone and standing that close together, John thought. He saw Dave's fingers turning color from where their grip on the bike tightened. John didn't think Dave was still angry or upset. And he sure as Hell wasn't aroused. And John also knew Dave wasn't indifferent to him. Dave was almost acting as if he were afraid of him and that idea took John aback. He took a deep breath and tried his best to keep the tone of his voice even as he stepped back from Dave, giving him some space. "You can tell me after we get inside your place."
It almost seemed as if Dave was a scared virgin who found herself alone in an elevator with the man of her dreams and she was afraid that the guy would actually speak to her...or worse. And then John remembered that with Dave's inexperience, he was practically a virgin. Sure, they'd had plenty of sex, but emotionally Dave was still very much like a sixteen year old who wanted to touch but was very afraid of getting slapped away if he so dared. So, that meant that John had to take things slowly. He couldn't be bold with Dave, not right now. Especially since he really didn't know just what it was exactly that had set Dave off in this direction. Certainly not losing the bet. At least John hoped that wasn't it. The jokes and teasing then? Fear that people would overhear and think that the two of them were an item? While that idea sounded nice to John, he knew that it didn't to Dave. Dave wasn't ready to 'out' himself and John knew he had to respect that. After all, wasn't that why he had lied to Jimbo about Dave? Because he knew how Dave would take it if he knew that Jimbo knew he was gay -- and also because he knew how Dave would react if he knew that Jimbo was gay.
Dave shrugged, but managed a slightly deeper though still shaky breath. "Could do with a beer. Want one?"
John shook his head, wondering when Dave would ever get it fixed in his head that John didn't drink anymore. "Water or juice will be fine. I can just go on home...that is, if you want me to leave." The elevator came to a stop and John found himself holding his breath as he waited for Dave's answer.
Dave didn't say anything, he walked forward out of the elevator, and around the corner to his door. If Carter came or not was Carter's choice. He, Dave, couldn't do anything about it. The key shook in his hand a bit as he tried to unlock the door.
John took Dave's silence as an invitation and he trailed behind him. As he reached Dave, he saw that he was having problems with his key. John stepped up and took the key from Dave's hand. "Let me."
Dave took his hand away from the keys, and returned his grip firmly to his bike. He watched as Carter unlocked the door, then followed him inside, and rested his bike against its spot on the wall.
"I'll get your beer. Why don't you sit down?" John said as he headed into the kitchen.
Dave swallowed, then flipped a light on and went through to his living area. A beer. Carter was getting him his beer. There was no reason to freak out.
John found a glass and the jug of water that Dave had started keeping in the fridge. After pouring himself a large glass of it, John returned the jug to the refrigerator, grabbing a beer and then closing the door. He twisted the cap off, then picked up his glass and walked out to the living room. He handed the beer to Dave. "There you go, nice and cold, just the way you like it."
Dave took the bottle from Carter. He was right -- it was cold. He took one fast slug of it, then another, relishing its bitter taste. "You going to sit down?"
"Yeah. Just let me get my coat off first." John took a sip of water, then put the glass on the coffee table. He took off his overcoat, then his scarf and then his suit jacket and headed back into the entryway to the coat closet, hanging them up. When he returned to Dave, John sat on the other end of the sofa, figuring Dave might still need some breathing space. He reached for his water, trying to think of something to say that was good. Something Dave had said earlier popped into John's head and it seemed like a safe topic. "So, if plastics wanted you, what made you decide on trauma?"
Dave took another slug of his beer. It was just what he needed right now. A good thing after a tense shift -- even if a lot of the tension had been deliberately caused by the man beside him. He shrugged, took another swallow and began to relax against the back of the couch. "Plastics was a whole lot of fun, but...who wants to spend fifty years doing tummy tucks?" And no-one where he'd grown up had ever been able to afford someone from plastics. He could have chosen it and lived a different life in a different world, but.... "Besides, the ER just seemed more, you know, useful." Dave bit his lip, he hadn't meant to let that much slip out.
John nodded. "Yeah, I know what you mean. When I was in surgery, I felt so...removed from the patient. It's not like that in the ER. True, we're not like a primary care doctor and able to see these people all the time, getting to know them. But we do have some regulars. People who can't afford insurance or who are homeless. And we know them. Someone has to look out for them."
Dave grinned. "Yeah, and besides trauma is exciting. And..."
John laughed. "I figured you'd say *that*!"
Dave grunted a laugh, and took another drink of his beer. "And being a primary care...be hell of a depressing thing. Alkies who won't sober up. Kids not getting enough to eat. Beaten wives. And they'd keep comin' back...if they saw a doc at all...and it'd be the same thing for years only the people'd get older. At least when people leave us they're better." Dave took another drink. "Or dead."
John refrained from pointing out all the repeat cases they saw -- the beaten wives, the abused children, the drug addicts. The children without insurance coverage who were released to go home because the parents promised that they'd watch over the kid and then you saw the kid again, only in worse shape. No, it wouldn't do to remind Dave about all of that right now. Not when he was finally starting to be in a better mood. But the comments deserved a response. "Gamma wants me to have my own practice. At least she did. We haven't spoken about it again."
Dave laughed. "She wants you to open up your own ER?"
John shook his head. "No, she wanted me as far away from an ER as she could get me. That was not long after I went back to work last year...after the stabbing. And after I had moved in with her. Remember the day that teenaged girl walked in and blew out the brains of the other teen?"
Dave shrugged. "Vaguely."
"It was that day. I was very lucky that none of those bullets hit me." John took another sip of his water and decided he didn't like thinking about what had almost happened that day. It was depressing enough to think about what *had* happened and he was trying to cheer Dave up, not bring him down. "So, do you plan to stay in trauma forever or is this just a jumping off point for you?"
Dave shrugged, and took another gulp of his beer. It emptied the bottle. He put it down on the coffee table and stared at it for a moment before leaning back again. "Dunno. I like it. I'm good at it." He grinned. "Even the Chief says so. Why not stay?"
John nodded. "That's true. Weaver did give you a great eval, didn't she? And you do have the talent for trauma. Now, if you could just learn to like the other cases...." John teased.
Dave lifted up his beer bottle, to try and see if any last drops remained in it. They didn't. He was sick of Carter's taunts they'd been going on for hours, and he didn't want to have to deal with them any more. He muttered, "Are too a good doctor."
"Of course you are. I never said you weren't," John said, not knowing where *that* comment came from. "But, you do have to admit that you don't show quite the same enthusiasm for the boring cases as you do for the traumas or exciting walk-ins."
Dave stood up and went to the kitchen. He could just throw Carter out -- but he was oddly loathe to do that. And his normal ripostes weren't coming as thick and fast as they usually did. He opened the fridge and pulled another beer out, opening it before he returned to the living room. He was tired he suddenly realised. Dealing with Carter's innuendoes all shift had tired him out, and now he was home Carter still hadn't stopped. "Don't ya have anyone else to hassle?"
John grinned. "Nope. You're it for tonight." He patted his knee. "Want to sit down? I'll let you hassle me for a bit."
Dave looked at Carter, and at the hand patting the knee. Suddenly he was sliding on to it and hooking an arm around Carter's neck. He didn't want to argue or be hassled, he just wanted...Dave rested his head against Carter's shoulder. This was much better.
John wrapped his arms around Dave and pulled him closer, so that Dave's body was resting on the thickest part of his thighs and not near his knees. John wasn't sure his knees could handle Dave's weight. It was a strange reversal from the other night when John had come there looking to be held. Dave never admitted to needing simple affection and John had always assumed that was because he simply didn't want it. But maybe, just maybe, John thought, he had been wrong about that. Just because Dave didn't say it, didn't ask for it, that didn't mean he didn't want or need it from time to time. After all, Dave did like to cuddle after sex, and cuddling was cuddling, right? So, John leaned back against the cushion and held Dave in a contented silence.
Dave wiggled closer into Carter. He felt the arms around him, and the thighs beneath him, and heard the clock ticking. It ticked for a long time. And everything quieted down. Dave could feel his heart beating. After hearing it a while he manoeuvered his outside arm so he could feel Carter's carotid pulse. Carter's heart was beating, too.
After a moment Dave spoke. "I didn't like that stuff you did tonight. Saying stuff 'bout...this 'n hoping they wouldn't understand."
John didn't know what to say to that. It was true that the ER staff joked around with each other all the time, ribald comments were exchanged daily. "I'm sorry you didn't like it, but we joke around like that all the time, Dave. I've worked with some of the staff for nearly eight years now and we know that nothing's meant by all of that. It's just talk and nothing more. Tell me, if I had said all or any of that to Chuny, would you have thought I was having a sexual relationship with her?"
"Dunno." Dave bit his lip. Maybe Carter was right. He didn't like it though -- and it hadn't been like that before now. It had seemed usual. Today hadn't. "Don't usually say that much to one person."
John frowned. "That's not a real answer, Dave. You hear us making comments like that all the time. No one is going to hear me saying anything like that to you, in a joking manner, I might add, and suddenly decide that we're lovers. Trust me on that." John began to rub a gentle circle on Dave's back. "Sometimes you just have to relax and go with the flow or else people *will* think something's going on. If I stopped joking with you or teasing you, then I'd have Chuny cornering me in the supply room to ask what was up with the two of us. Truth is, I tease you because I like you. Always have. You're easy to tease and you tease back. It's fun and I know that there's no malice behind your words, unlike when Romano says something to me. But, if you want me to stop, then I will. I just can't guarantee what will happen when people notice that I have."
Dave arched his back into the pressure Carter was giving. Maybe Carter was a bit right, but... "Just not as much as tonight, and not always 'bout, you know, sex, and not always to me." That seemed to cover it. Dave nuzzled Carter's neck. "It was like, if I didn't do what you said then you'd tell people...and that's..." that hadn't been any fun.
"Oh, Dave, I never intended *that*, honest." John said and he tightened his hold on Dave, even as he continued his slow caressing of Dave's back. "I know you're not ready for people to know, and I respect that. Coming out to my co-workers isn't something I've really thought about until my grandparents said something about us and I realized they had suspected for a while that I was bi. That was scary, very scary. But, I'm warming up to the idea. I wouldn't mind if everyone knew we were together, Dave. I love you and I want to share that news with the world."
Dave stiffened. "No." He didn't even want to think about it. He didn't want to think about the looks that would be on people's faces or anything. "No." He didn't want...."Anyway. I'm not gay. Can't come out."
John brushed his lips against Dave's hair. "Hush, I wasn't saying that I *was* going to tell the world. Just that I wanted to. There's a big difference. And if you want to keep pretending that you don't like men then that's fine with me. I'm willing to pretend just about anything you want."
Dave turned his head away, he wanted to be able to say that he didn't like men, but he couldn't. Not sitting here like this. Then he remembered the beer he'd just drunk. It was okay, he was drunk. It didn't count. It was okay to like the feel of Carter's arms around him, and Carter beneath his legs and beside him. And his pulse under Dave's fingertips, and his lips on Dave's head. It was all okay -- he was drunk.
"I should go now so you can get some sleep. I managed to get a peek at Chuny's list and you're going to be *very* busy tomorrow. I'm pretty sure I saw 'washing out bedpans' on there, and I can tell you from experience that you'll need *all* your strength for that task," John said. But he didn't let go of Dave. He didn't want to leave, but John wasn't sure if Dave really needed him to stay overnight, not with all of his insecurities surfacing. Maybe if they just slept together, without sex, then Dave could see that sex wasn't always expected or needed. "Or, if you prefer, we can just go on to bed and get some sleep. I know I tend to sleep better when I'm with you than I do at home." No nightmares intruded into his sub-conscious when John was with Dave, yet another thing for him to feel thankful over. Being with Dave had done so much for him as far as his nightmares, self-reproach and yearnings were concerned, and John knew that things could only get better.
Dave half-grinned. "You'd have your money by now if you'd bothered to stop." It was getting late -- the clock had moved surprisingly far since they'd come in. Dave reluctantly stood up. "You want to drive that far?"
John looked up at Dave and slowly smiled. "Not really."
"'kay then." Dave walked toward the bathroom and scrubbed his teeth vigourously. Then trotted into the bedroom, pulled his clothes off, and dived into bed.
When Dave disappeared into the bathroom, John picked up his glass and Dave's second beer bottle and took them to the kitchen. He could hear Dave in the bathroom, getting ready for bed. John didn't have anything with him, such as his shaving gear or toothbrush. He was going to ask Dave if he had a spare one, but then the door to the bathroom opened quickly and Dave just as quickly disappeared from view. By the time John had reached the doorway of the kitchen, Dave was out of sight. John shook his head, grinning as he thought of how just a little bit ago Dave was acting as if he were afraid of being touched. Amazing what a little bit of alcohol could do to get a person loosened up. John's grin faltered at that thought, then disappeared entirely as he turned around and walked to the cabinets. The next thing he knew, he was looking at the bottle of whiskey. It *was* lower than it had been before. But not by a lot. Still....John's thoughts were going places that he didn't want them to travel. Dave liked him. John knew that. But what was it Dave had said back when Grandfather had mentioned them being together? Tell them you were drunk. It doesn't count if you're drunk. And Dave had drunk two beers since they arrived.
John shook his head. "No. I won't think that way. Dave really does care about me. I'm just letting my imagination run away, that's all." John put the bottle back in the cabinet and closed the door, then went to the bedroom. Dave was already in the bed, his clothes in a heap on the floor. He obviously wanted him. And he wasn't drunk. "Hey, Wombat, it's cold outside and I don't feel up to going out just to grab my stuff. Do you by any chance have a toothbrush I can use?"
Dave frowned, a little perplexed. "What happened to yours?"
"It's cold and I don't feel like going outside just to grab my stuff." John replied, repeating himself.
"Oh. Uh. There *might* be a spare one."
"In the cabinet under the sink?" John asked.
"Maybe." Dave was sleepy. Carter shouldn't have to go downstairs just to brush his teeth. "If not, use mine."
John smiled at Dave's willingness to share something as personal as his toothbrush. "Okay. Thanks." He went to the bathroom and was happy when he discovered that Dave didn't have a spare toothbrush under the sink. So he used Dave's, knowing the whole time that this was just another sign that Dave cared. He loved Dave, and Dave, if he wasn't *in love* with him, wasn't far from it. At least that's what John hoped. After all, Dave was letting him stay overnight yet again, AND he was letting him use his toothbrush. John rinsed out his mouth, relieved his bladder and then stepped out into the entryway. Dave hadn't locked the door back when they came in, so John took care of that, then he went through the apartment, cutting out the lights as he went, securing the place for the night.
In the bedroom he stood near the spot where Dave's clothes lay and stripped, letting his clothes mingle with Dave's. "Ready for me to turn off the light?" John asked, his finger hovering near the light switch.
"Sure."
John flipped the switch, then carefully stepped toward the bed. It was dark in the bedroom and his eyes were still in the process of adjusting to it. "Hold still," he instructed as his legs met the mattress and he felt for Dave's body so he could crawl over him to the other side of the bed.
Dave waited until he'd felt the mattress stop moving, then he pushed himself backwards until he'd found Carter and was nestled up against him. Carter's body was warm against his back, and Dave reached upward to locate Carter's uppermost arm and bring it down so it encircled his body.
A smile played upon John's face as he let Dave position both of their bodies to his satisfaction. When Dave finally seemed settled, John gently kissed his shoulder. "Good night, Dave."
"Night." Dave felt comfortable and warm, it was good sleeping like this. "Maybe you should buy another?"
"Another?" John asked, confused as to what Dave meant. "Buy another what?"
"Toothbrush." Dave shut his eyes in the darkness, then opened them again. "Toothbrush."
John grinned as he thought about where this conversation was leading. "What would I do with two toothbrushes?"
"Clean your teeth, Ivy-league boy."
John playfully nipped at Dave's shoulder. "I know what to *do* with a toothbrush. I just don't know what you expect me to do with *two* of them."
"Well, ya know. Clean ya teeth in different places." The nip was reassuring, but Dave still found himself a bit worried. Carter was not really acting like this was a good idea.
John's body shook as he held back his laughter. It was good to hear Dave teasing him again. "So I'm supposed to use one toothbrush for the top teeth and the other toothbrush for the bottom ones? Or am I supposed to brush my teeth in my bathroom with one toothbrush, and use the other toothbrush in the kitchen or something?"
"Something like that. Kitchen and bathroom are far enough apart in gold brick mansion."
This time John laughed out loud. "I don't think they're so far apart that my teeth need cleaning while I'm walking from one to the other."
"Well. Ya could keep it somewhere else then." Carter's arm was still around him -- he had to know what the idea was. He had to.
"Hmm." John said, his mouth close to Dave's ear. "I guess I *could* do that. The question is where would I keep it? My locker at work? The glove compartment in the Jeep? Got any ideas?"
Dave wiggled back against Carter -- feeling the length of his body. This was nerve-wracking. Carter had to know what he'd just asked. But he wasn't answering. "Um. Yah don't have one at work already?"
John nodded. "As a matter of fact, I do. Comes in handy when I'm bad and manage to sneak in a cigarette."
"Shouldn't smoke." Dave didn't pursue the thought. "No point keeping it there then."
John ignored the comment about smoking. He was trying to quit and he'd cut down quite a bit, Abby could attest to that. "Okay, so we can scratch that location off the list. That leaves the glove compartment of the Jeep. But do I really need a toothbrush in there?"
"Nah." Dave took in a deep breath, then spoke in a continuous stream. "Couldkeepitherethough."
"Oh? I hadn't thought of that. Yes, I suppose I could. But wouldn't it get lonely? I mean, my other toothbrush has my shaving stuff to keep it company. And my deodorant. Seems a shame to get a new toothbrush and deprive it of company."
Dave shrugged back against Carter's body. Had that been a 'yes' or a 'no'? He hadn't said either. Well he *had* said 'yes', but.... "Social toothbrush is it?"
John nodded. "Very."
"Oh." Dave still didn't know if that had been a 'yes' or a 'no.' "Okay."
John frowned. What did 'okay' mean? Okay that his toothbrush was a social one or okay that John could have some other stuff here? "So," John began. "Let me see if I have this right. You're saying that I should buy a new toothbrush and bring it here. And that since it's a social toothbrush that I should also get a razor, shaving cream and deodorant to leave here to keep it company. Am I right so far?"
"If you like." Dave hugged Carter's arm closer to himself. Was this working out? "Or not. Don't need to or nothing."
"I think that it might be best if I did. After all, I can't very well go to work without deodorant on, or look like I'm growing a beard. I think Haleh and the others would hold me down to shave me if they thought I was growing a beard again." John was only half joking about *that*. The women had been very happy when he had had to shave his beard off a few years back. Okay, so Dave was letting him keep sundries at his place. John decided to see if he could get more. He let his fingers brush against the hair of Dave's chest. "What about some clothes? It's a little awkward having to leave here and drive back to the house just to change clothes. I never know what the traffic's going to be like. Do you think a suit or two would fit in your closet?"
Dave relaxed against Carter, and let the fingers twirl in his chest-hair for a moment. It had worked, the toothbrush was coming. It was all going to be okay. It was good. He smiled a smile that crept into his voice. "Think so. Don't use it much. If not, ya could throw some stuff on the floor."
John nodded and kissed Dave's shoulder. "Okay. Thank you." His heart felt close to bursting -- Dave wanted him to keep some things there. That was close to moving in, wasn't it? First the bathroom stuff, then some clothes, then more and more clothes until there was nothing left at home. And since John had gotten rid of all his furniture when he moved in with his grandparents, he didn't have anything much besides his clothes. Just mementos and other personal items in boxes in the attic of the house. It was amazing how much he had changed since New Year's Eve, John thought. That night he had gone to the bar willing to let Adam once again use him, humiliate him, just because he didn't feel he was worth anything more than that. And then Dave had shown up. Sure, the sex had been hot and wild and close to animalistic, but it was Dave. And Dave had stayed at the house. And things had gone on from there. Dave had gotten him over the loathing he felt toward his own body, toward those scars. Dave had been a steady rock for John to cling to. They had had some ups and downs in the short time they'd been together, but the downs had been few and far between and the ups definitely outweighed them. While John had felt great affection and love toward his previous lovers, he had never felt like this. He had never wanted to shout the news to the world that he was in love. Not with Anna, not with Abby Keaton, not with Shrike. But it was there with Dave. If only Dave were ready for that, John thought as he started to drift off to sleep, then everything would be perfect. But he could be patient. Dave was definitely worth waiting for.