Author/pseudonym: MonaCK and Cathy Roberts
Email address: monaCK2@yahoo.com and huntersglenn@yahoo.com
Rating: NC-17
Status: Finished
Pairing: John Carter/Luka Kovac/Dave Malucci
Date: December 3, 2003
Archive: Please ask first
Series: 30/?
Category: "E.R."
Disclaimer: "ER" and all its characters belong to Warner Bros. No infringement of their copyright is intended. This story was written for the enjoyment of "ER" fans everywhere, and may be downloaded for your own pleasure. The title of the story was inspired by the Jimmy Buffett song of the same name, and no infringement is intended. The story can be found on the following web sites: http://www.heresmona.com/fanfic.html
http://www.geocities.com/Paris/Boutique/7087/, and
http://www.errealmofslash.com
Summary: It's a slashy A/U story about how Season 8 might have been and contains no spoilers for the current season.
"Changes In Latitudes, Changes In Attitudes, Part 30"
By MonaCK and Cathy Roberts
If Dave could have turned back time, he would have done it in an instant. But Dave wouldn't turn back time to when he had left the first time...but to when John was eleven years old...so first he could beat the hell out of Jenny...and then so he could find Alex and beat him to a pulp as well. His hands reflexively opened and closed, wanting so much to wound the people who had hurt John so deeply, and made him feel so worthless."
"I...God, John, I'm so...so sorry for leavin' you back then. I never should have...I...I didn't know. I...I didn't know what they had done to you. I never...never would have left if I had known..." Dave was visibly upset, shaken at hearing all of this. It was far worse than some of the stuff Dave had had to endure when he was younger -- yes, Dave's father had often used him as a punching bag -- but it was nothing like this. No wonder John was so insecure about everything.
Luka felt all the color drain out of his face as John spoke, also feeling anger rise inside him. If there was one thing that he and Dave had in common, it was a desire to protect those that they cared about. And as Luka and Dave exchanged a glance, each were unsure of how to proceed from here.
"First of all, John, I want to make sure you understand...that none of this was your fault. That...that...you should never have been made to feel that way. Do...do you understand that Jenny abused you, John, as did this Alex person?" Luka was speaking in almost hushed tones, hoping that the revelation wasn't going to make John feel threatened again.
"And I want you to understand something," Dave said, repeating his earlier words. "We could never have sex again, and I would still want to be with you. This...this is about so much more than sex...John. You are an amazing person, and one day I'm gonna get you to see that..."
John shook his head, not understanding why they wouldn't see the truth about him. "No one abused me. Didn't you hear anything I said? I was the one who wanted to please Alex, and with Jenny...she was just trying to comfort me and...and..." John squeezed his eyelids shut, not wanting to remember it all. He had been crying yet again because he missed Bobby and Jenny had put her arms around him, holding him close, rocking his body while she told him that everything would be all right and she'd soon make him feel better. She was softly touching him and it was his body --- his fault -- that he got excited.
"It was me. I shouldn't have gotten excited, but I did...and then I couldn't stop myself -- whenever I was around her, I'd get excited. It was no wonder that Daddy was so upset when he saw us together. I've tried to be good since then, really good, so he'll finally forgive me and be proud of me, but it hasn't happened yet, and then I was stabbed and got addicted and that just disappointed him even more." John didn't realize he was crying. "It was all my fault. He said so. Said I should have known better than to let her do that and then he wouldn't listen to me when I tried to tell him it was my fault. He just wouldn't listen. He just sent me away."
Dave gave Luka a look, and then turned towards him. "I'm gonna stay up here with John...will you go out and let Dr. Meyers know what's goin' on?" he asked, before turning his attention back towards John.
Luka didn't want to leave, but he realized that one of them had to go. Dave had been largely successful in getting John to talk, so he slowly nodded. "Okay...but I'll be right back, John, I'll be right back. I'm not going to leave you..."
As Luka left the room, Dave spoke to John once more. He kept a gentle hand on John's foot, trying to feign that he was still working on it so that he would have a reason to still be in the room. "You *are* good, John. I don't want you to ever think otherwise. You're a warm, wonderful person, and that's the guy I fell in love with. You're amazing in so many ways, I can't even begin to list them. And it goes beyond anything that you can do in the bedroom," he finished as he brought his eyes downward.
Dave was feeling incredibly guilty for sleeping with John, but he honestly had had no idea just how deep the wounds ran. And now with this new revelation regarding this guy Alex...it really helped explain a lot.
"I'm...I'm sorry for callin' you a sex kitten. I'm sorry...for pressurin' you when I shouldn't have, and most of all, I'm sorry for leaving you. I never meant to hurt you. I hope you know that."
The sound of Dave's voice made John roll over toward him, and he reached out to gently touch Dave's cheek. "I know you didn't mean to hurt me, just like I didn't mean to hurt you. And I don't want to hurt you any more, Dave, that's why we can't ever be together, can't you see that?" It was breaking John's heart to see Dave so upset and looking so completely defeated, and he knew it was all his fault.
Dave defiantly shook his head. "No. No, I can't see that. I can't see how you and I bein' apart is goin' to make me hurt any less. I've tried bein' apart from you. It doesn't work. I...I'm sorry, but it doesn't work."
His shut his eyes as John's hand brushed across his cheek. And he wished he could turn back that clock...just a little while. Just far enough back that Dave could have made an extra phone call -- something -- something to make it so that John would realize how much Dave loved him from the get go, and thus...never driving John into Luka's arms in the first place.
John let his hand fall away from Dave and he rolled onto his back and looked up at the ceiling. "God, I need a cigarette. Are you done checking my feet yet? There might be some in the house, but I can't go looking for them if you're not done with me. The bleeding's stopped, right?" John knew he wasn't seriously hurt since his feet still weren't hurting, but he wasn't going to get up until Dave said it was okay. He didn't want to make Dave or Luka worry any more than they already had.
Dave shook his head, remembering how John had been smoking the evening before. "When did you start smokin' again? Don't you know those'll kill you? Do you really think that I'm gonna let you get up to get cigarettes right now?"
"Last night, and again this morning...it was only half a pack and not nearly as bad as what I wished I had," John confessed.
Dave kept a hand on John's foot, and looked up towards him. "I honestly don't think it's a very good idea for you to be walkin' around right now. I don't think there's any glass in there, but your feet are pretty messed up, man. I don't wanna see you get hurt any further."
"They don't hurt. I don't see why I can't throw on some shoes and socks and go out to buy some. You and Luka can even come with me if it would make you feel better," John said as he tried to move his foot out of Dave's grasp so he could sit up. "Heck, I'll even let you drive, okay?"
Dave felt...defeated. Not only was John smoking again, but by his own admission, if given access to the right things, he'd likely be doing drugs again. All because of what Dave had done. All because of him. No wonder John didn't want him around anymore. No wonder why John was trying to completely break things off with him. He took his hand off of John's food, and turned his head.
"Do what you want," he finally said, his voice chuck full of emotions. "Because obviously...what I want no longer even comes close to matterin'..."
As if Dave still had a right to that -- at least that's what Dave kept thinking. It wasn't fair. It all just wasn't fair.
As soon as Dave moved, John sat up, swaying slightly from the quick movement. "Don't. Dave, please don't be like that. You didn't do anything wrong, it's me. If I didn't love you, then I wouldn't care about hurting you. Why can't you understand that?" He started to reach out once more to touch Dave, but stopped himself from doing that. If he was trying to set Dave free, then touching him all the time wasn't going to accomplish much.
"If you didn't care about hurting me, then you wouldn't be doin' that to me right now. How can I make *you* understand that not lettin' me help you is hurting me? I love you more than I have ever loved a human bein' in my life...more than my brother...and surely more than my parents...definitely more than any woman. Damn it, John, let me help you..."
He got up from the foot of the bed, carefully avoiding any extraneous glass on the floor, and walked over to be closer to where John was seated. Sitting on the edge of the bed, he reached out his hand this time, and caressed the side of John's cheek. "And whether you like it or not...I'm not gonna listen to you...because I know you don't really want me to leave. I *know* you don't."
"What I want doesn't matter, Dave. It's never mattered but I've just been too stubborn to see that until now, and too selfish because I always kept trying to get what I wanted. I was telling Luka last night about how all I had ever wished for was to be loved and now look at me...I've got two people who love me and all I can do is hurt them." John reached up and covered Dave's hand with his own, needing to feel the warmth of Dave's palm against his cheek. "I let you help me. You wanted to check out my feet and you did. I don't know what else there is that you can help me with, Dave. You don't want me to go to the store, so I'm a little lost here as to what it is you want."
"All...all that stuff you just told us...all that stuff about Jenny and about Alex. You...you need to talk to someone about all of that. You have to believe me...and believe Luka, when we tell you that it wasn't your fault, that none of it was your fault. That *they* should have known better, and they *never* should have hurt you like that." Dave didn't know if he was making much sense, but he felt that he had to get his feelings on this out to John. Maybe something, anything, would stick in John's mind. At least Dave hoped so. Because everything that Dave had learned about John had was really scaring the Hell out of him. "I...I don't blame you for pushing me away, you know. I really don't deserve you, I really don't. I tried to push you away, and now...it looks like I've finally succeeded..."
John shook his head, as much from Dave's latter statement as from his earlier words. "We weren't together then, Dave. I hardly think that you moving to California counts as you pushing me away." Maybe if he just ignored it when Dave mentioned Alex and Jenny then Dave would forget about all of that. He and Luka obviously didn't understand what had happened, and John was tired of talking about it.
"No...but I wanted to be with you the whole time I was out there, and I was too stubborn to call you, just like I didn't even try to call you when I first came back to Chicago. I didn't do anything right, and now, I guess I'm gettin' what I deserve..." Part of him was hoping that the guilt would appeal to John -- but a larger part of Dave was hoping that John would realize what a huge mistake he was making in pushing both he and Luka way. As much as Dave was not fond of Luka, he knew that John was not doing this the right way.
John shook his head. "No. Dave, please don't say things like that, it's not true. You deserve so much better than what you'll ever get from me. Don't you see? It shouldn't have mattered if you called or not, I should have waited just a bit longer for you. I should have had enough faith in you to know that you wouldn't have just disappeared out of my life without talking to me first. But I didn't wait. Luka didn't move in on me, Dave...I'm the one who took him to bed, not the other way around. I was tired of being alone and wanted to be loved, and he had offered that. I only waited a week before I accepted Luka's offer, so that shows you that I'm not the most faithful of lovers, doesn't it?"
He got to his feet, intending to walk over to his chest of drawers to get socks, but he stopped short when he saw the debris all over his floor. "Fuck. I really tore this place apart, didn't I?" John asked as he sat back down on the mattress.
Dave looked at him sadly, the reality of the situation hitting him. His own eyes surveyed the room. "Let...let me help you clean up...it's the least that I can do for ya..."
Shaking his head, Dave stood, and walked over towards the door and the pile of books. He briefly wondered what was keeping Luka and Dr. Meyers. Dave also couldn't help but wonder if John was going to go to sleep, and think this was all a nightmare, too. Part of Dave hoped so.
"I need socks and shoes, if you wouldn't mind getting them for me," John said. "The socks are in the top drawer over there and there should be some running shoes in the closet." In John's mind, 'helping' should at least mean that he was also cleaning up the mess he had childishly made and not letting Dave do all the work.
Dave nodded, and with a much sadder disposition, he rose to his feet, and mutely walked over to the drawer, getting the socks for John. He then made his way over to the closet, hoping that the shoes he spotted were the ones that John was referring to.
Making his way back towards John's bed, he handed him the shoes. "I hope these are alright," Dave said, breaking his silence. "It's the only ones that were in there."
Dave had to turn his head away. It seemed there was nothing left to talk about. John wanted Dave to leave. And there wasn't much that Dave was going to be able to do to stop that from happening.
John nodded as he took the shoes and socks from Dave. He wasn't sure what else there was to say to the him, except to try to reassure Dave that this wasn't going to effect his job. "I've been living here too long, I think. It's about time I moved out and lived on my own again. Now that Gamma has someone to look after her, she doesn't really need me around, and I know that if I'm here then it will only cause you even more pain. I'm also going to apply for a position over at Northwestern again. I had been all set to accept an attending position there when Kerry offered me Chief Resident. They might still need someone."
The truth was that John's intentions on moving out and getting a new job weren't just for the benefits of Dave and Luka, but also for his own. He knew he wouldn't be able to stand seeing each man every day, knowing what could have been and not being able to be with either one. As John spoke he was putting on his socks. A few cuts were still bleeding a slight bit, but nothing serious enough for bandages, or so he thought.
Dave had moved away from John, gathering up books to try to keep his mind off of the fact that he was in the same room as John, but unable to even touch him. But at his words, Dave's head shot up, and he turned to look at the other man. "You're...you're gonna quit County...and...and you're gonna leave here? Oh..."
Turning his head away, he shook his head. Of course Dave was still going to have to work at the mansion -- he had promised Mrs. Carter that much. But that was before he realized that Mrs. Carter was John's grandmother. That was before he realized that he wasn't going to be with John anymore. That was -- before his life changed forever. An overwhelming sense of sadness overtook him, and suddenly, Dave couldn't take it anymore.
"So you're just gonna shut me out completely then? Pretend I never existed? I'm...I'm sorry, John, but I just can't take that. I can't take any of this right now. I can't take the fact that you're completely shutting me out of your life..."
He was holding a book in his hand, and he stood. He walked over to replace it on the bookshelf, and then turned to face John once more. "I...I can't take this..." Dave didn't even bother to try to hide the sadness in his eyes. "You will never understand how much this is killing me..."
John looked over at Dave and shook his head. "And do you think it would be any less painful for you to work here and see me every day, knowing we can never be together?" John asked, more than a hint of bitterness in his voice. "Or for Luka to work with me every day and know he can never...why are you doing this? I've thought long and hard about this and come to a decision and it's not good enough for you and Luka. You didn't like my first idea and I can't choose between the two of you. It's pretty obvious that no matter what I do or which path I choose, it's wrong. You won't be happy unless I choose you and Luka won't be happy unless I choose him, and I know that no matter which one of you I chose, I'd make you miserable soon enough."
"That's where you're *wrong*," Dave said, looking fully at John. "When we were together...God...when it was just us...I *know* I made you happy. I know I was enough for you, and just being in the same room with you...gettin' to touch you at night, and tell you that I love you...waking up to your face in the morning, that makes me happier then I could ever put into words. You...you doin' this assures that *neither* of us will be happy. How does that make *any* sense whatsoever? I was wrong to try to push you into a decision. And maybe I was wrong to dismiss your idea right away. Because I know as I'm standing here, the decision of not having you in my life at all is a pretty fucking bitter pill to swallow, and not one that I am quite willing to choke on at the moment..."
What Dave wanted to do was cross the room, take John in his arms, and kiss him back into sensibility, but he knew that would be wrong given what Dave knew about John's background. He didn't want John to always think there had to be sex involved...because in Dave's case, it was about so much more than that.
"God, Dave, I loved all of that, too. You made me feel so damn special...no one had ever cared about me as much as you did. And I threw that away and now I can't get it back. What we had, it's lost, Dave, and it has to live on in our memories because we can never make that happen again. We fought and you left and Luka and I..." John looked down at the shoe in his hand. "You didn't have any problems staying celibate while you were in California, but me, being insatiable, couldn't. Hell, if it hadn't have Luka than I probably would have ended up trying to take Susan to bed, or seeing if Abby was willing to finally get together. It would have eventually been someone, why can't you see that?"
"Do you understand, John... it doesn't *have* to be lost! I still love you...I*still* think you're special...and God...John...we broke up...when I was in California, we were broken up. So you fooled around with Luka...you thought we broke up before, too...I know you wouldn't do anything if you thought we were still together.. Just because I was celibate when I was in California doesn't mean *shit* John, it doesn't mean shit...I knew you loved me...I knew you still loved me from the minute I saw you on the cruise ship...and damn it...I knew you still loved me from the minute I saw you in this house. And I know you still love me now..."
Dave walked over to John, and took the shoe out of his hand, placing it down on the bed so Dave could take John's hand in his and squeeze it tightly. "I don't understand why you think it only has to live in our memories, because damn it..,I still love you, and God help me, I still want you...all the time. I walk into a fucking room and I want you, and I don't just mean having sex with you...I mean *all* of you."
He brought his free hand to the side of John's face, and forced the other man to lock eyes with him. "If you look into my eyes, and tell me that you don't love me, then I'll walk out that door, and you won't ever have to see me again...but damn it...if you still love me...then we *can* work this out. It might be a slow road, but we *can* work this out."
John could feel the tears gathering in his eyes and he tried to look away, but he couldn't. "I can't tell you that and you know it. I love you. I've never stopped loving you. But...I love Luka, too. I know that hurts you and I'm sorry, it's not something I meant to do, falling in love with him. But it happened and I can't just quit loving him, just as I can't quit loving you." He reached up and caressed Dave's cheek. "Even though it would have meant that we had never known love, it would have been so much better for so many people if I had been the one who died that night and not Lucy."
"I...I know you can't quit loving him, and I guess it was never fair of me to ask it. You...you have so much love to give, that it doesn't surprise me that you've managed to fall for two different people..." Dave's voice was chuck full of emotion as he spoke. But as John continued, Dave felt a sense of panic rise in him. "Don't...don't ever say that...listen to me, John...don't ever say that. Loving you has been the *best* thing that has ever happened to me. You've shown me what it's like to really care about someone else...care about wakin' up next to them in the morning...care enough to want to know what happens after the date...I never knew that before you. Please, John, don't give up..,don't give up on us, on any chance of happiness that either of us have. And...and if it means that I have to share a bit of that with Luka...then I guess that's what I have to do..."
Dave placed his own hand over John's, and leaned his cheek into his touch. "Don't push me away, John, I was too quick to give you my decision. I'd rather have part of you than none of you at all..."
"I can't do that to either one of you, Dave. It was selfish of me to have even thought about asking you to share me. And, I promise you, you don't have to worry about me doing something like killing myself. While I might think that everyone would be far better off now if I had died that night, I don't have enough guts to actually commit suicide. Not when I know that I'd be disappointing so many people. I did think about it quite a bit before, after the stabbing, but I never was quite able to put just a little too much of anything into a syringe, although I think that by the time Abby caught me, I was getting close to that point. But not now, so you don't have to worry about that." John rubbed his thumb over Dave's skin, already feeling a slight rasp from his beard.
Dave cast his eyes downward and nodded. "I...I trust ya, John...on that regard. But...but listen to me...please...pushing us away isn't the answer. I...I can't speak for Luka, but only for myself...I'm willing to try...because bein' this close to losing you is scaring the hell outta me. I came back from California because after the cruise, I realized I couldn't live without you...and when I came back...and you were with Luka...it was a shock. But...this...this hurts more than I ever thought it could. I can't face livin' my life without you having some part of it."
Dave brought his own hand to the side of John's face, not wanting to give up any part of the intimacy that he was feeling at that moment.
John suddenly felt weary and he realized that there was no way he'd ever win against Dave and Luka. Hell, it was hard enough to keep arguing the issue with Dave. "Fine," he said, resigned to having lost. "I give up. I'll do whatever you and Luka want me to do. If you want me to choose one of you over the other one then I will. I don't know how in the name of God I'll ever manage it, but I'll do it. I just can't fight against you any more, Dave." He pulled away from Dave's touch and reached for his shoe on the bed. "Now can we go to the store so I can get some cigarettes? We can clean this mess up later, God knows it's not going anywhere."
Dave sighed, and sat next to John on the bed. He had won, but it felt almost like a hollow victory. "I'll do whatever you want me to do, John," he finally said, mimicking the same words that John had used earlier. "But we need to stop and talk to your grandmother, Luka, and Dr. Meyers first. And John...John..."
He turned towards the other man. "You have to promise me something, before I take you..."
John looked over at Dave as he fiddled with the laces of the shoe. "Okay. We can even see if Luka wants to go to the store with us, if you don't mind."
Dave nodded. "That's fine. Luka can go with us. But John...you have to promise me something, promise me that you'll talk to *someone* about the stuff you talked to us about earlier today...about Jenny...and Alex...please?" Dave was quite confident that those particular incidents were the root of John's problems.
John bent over to put on his shoe. "I already talked about it, Dave. There's no reason to talk about it again."
"And I'm glad that you trusted Luka and I enough to talk about it with us, but you need to talk to someone...more professional than us. Someone...who can make you understand that..." Dave shook his head. "Never mind. Let's go check on your Grandmother, okay?" It was enough for one day -- there would be time to try to convince John to seek other help another day.
John felt himself become tense as he realized that Dave was talking about a psychiatrist, so he was glad when Dave seemed to drop the subject. John had no desire to open up his heart and soul to a stranger. It had been difficult enough to do that when he was in Atlanta and that person only wanted to know about the stuff that had led up to his becoming an addict. She hadn't cared about all the rest of his life.
John nodded, put on his other shoe, then stood. His feet were a little sore inside of the shoes, but it didn't hurt too much. "Let me grab my wallet and we can go," he said as he walked over to his dresser, and then realized that his wallet wasn't there. It had been sitting in a glass dish -- a dish he had thrown at the door. Looking over the floor, John found it between the dresser and the door and he put the wallet in his pocket. He looked at Dave. "Ready?"
Dave stood for a moment in silence, and then nodded. "Yeah, yeah, we can go...umm...would...would you mind if I...Can I just give you a hug...?" Dave hated to admit that he was feeling vulnerable, but he was. He needed to touch John, make sure that the man was still there -- despite the fact that everything had changed.
"Whatever you want me to do, Dave. I told you that," John replied as he stood still in the middle of the room and waited to see if Dave was going to come to him or if Dave wanted him to walk over there.
Dave thought he was going to cry as he stood there, looking over towards John. Was this what they were reduced to? John just resigning himself to whatever Dave wanted? This wasn't how it was supposed to be. Not at all. Half-heartedly, Dave walked over to John, and awkwardly put his arms around the other man. And then drew away from him. "Yeah, so...uh, I guess we'd better go..."
And quickly turning his head away so John couldn't see any trace of the tears that were building once again, Dave walked over and opened the door. He turned towards John's grandmother's bedroom, trusting that John was behind him.