Author/pseudonym: MonaCK and Cathy Roberts
Email address: monaCK2@yahoo.com and huntersglenn@yahoo.com
Rating: NC-17
Status: Finished. Well, mostly finished. Just the ending left to write.
Pairing: John Carter/Dave Malucci
Date: April 12, 2004
Archive: Please ask first
Series: 51/?
Category: "E.R."
Disclaimer: "ER" and all its characters belong to Warner Bros. No infringement of their copyright is intended. This story was written for the enjoyment of "ER" fans everywhere, and may be downloaded for your own pleasure. The title of the story was inspired by the Jimmy Buffett song of the same name, and no infringement is intended. The story can be found on the following web sites: http://www.heresmona.com/fanfic.html
http://www.geocities.com/Paris/Boutique/7087/, and
http://www.errealmofslash.com
Summary: It's a slashy A/U story about how Season 8 might have been and contains no spoilers for the current season.
"Changes In Latitudes, Changes In Attitudes, Part 51"
By MonaCK and Cathy Roberts
After eating everything set in front of him, John leaned back against the pillows he had propped between his body and the headboard, making a lot of small talk with his father as Jack gathered the debris from lunch.
"Dave's been down there a long time, don't you think?" John suddenly changed the subject to what was the most heavily on his mind -- Dave talking with Dr. DiLeo.
"They did have to eat lunch, too," Jack reminded John as he set the tray on a side table, and then sat down on the other side of the bed from him.
"I guess," John replied. Then his head swung toward the door as he heard voices coming up the stairs. "It looks like we spoke too soon." He could feel his body tense at the mere idea of having to answer Dr. DiLeo's questions. Hopefully though, Dave would have told the man so much that there wouldn't be much left for John to have to answer. As soon as he saw Dave walk through the doorway, his fears eased a bit and John smiled at him. "Did you have a good lunch?"
"I did," Dave said, deciding to not tell John that most of his lunch had gone uneaten. "How 'bout you? Did you and your Dad have a good chat?" Dave knew that moments like this, while John was growing up, were few and far between. And Dave was happy that father and son seemed to be bonding once again. It was a chance that Dave had never had with his own father.
Jeff DiLeo followed Dave into the room, a small smile on his own face. He was glad that Dave had opened up as much as he had downstairs, and it gave Jeff a good starting point on how to approach things with John. "Dave and I had a good talk downstairs," Jeff said, as he approached the bed. "Do you maybe have time to talk to me for a couple of minutes? Your father and Dave can stay if you want them to, or they can go. The choice is yours."
"They can stay...if they want to, that is," John replied. He began to nervously fidget with the hem of his sweatshirt since his hopes of not having to answer any questions had been dashed.
"I'd like to stay," Jack replied. He wanted John to know and understand that no matter what was said or revealed, he was still loved by his family.
John looked up at Dave. "What about you? Did you want to stay or would you rather wait downstairs or at the house?"
Dave answered the question by coming over to the side of the bed, and sitting down next to John. He took the man's hand in his and smiled briefly. "As if you could keep me away," he said, his voice soft but sincere. There was no way he was going to let John go through this alone, even though he was far from being by himself.
Jeff nodded. "Okay, that's good. I'm sure that John will be happy to have the two of you here during this." There was a chair in the corner of the bedroom, and Jeff took the opportunity to pull the chair a bit closer to the bed before sitting down in it. "Okay, John, I'm just going to record this conversation if that's okay with you, so that way I don't miss anything. I'm also going to take some notes. I don't want you to feel intimidated by them, I just easily forget things, and I don't want to get any of this wrong, okay?"
John was used to that from when he had undergone counseling sessions in rehab and he shrugged. "That's fine with me. Been there, done that, as the saying goes. What did you want to talk about first?" With one hand occupied with Dave's, John ended up tapping the fingers of his other hand off of the covers, the movements betraying how nervous he was inside even as his manner seemed nonchalant. At least he hoped he was coming across that way, with not a care at all in the world. People who were carefree were never asked probing questions about painful things.
Jeff nodded, and quickly turned on the tape recorder, setting it down on the floor before picking up his pen. Thinking for only a moment, Jeff began to speak. "I'd like to hear about your childhood, John. I mean, before Bobby died. What was it like for you at home?"
"I was only 10 when Bobby died," John replied as he shot a quick look in his father's direction. "What's to remember? The last year of his life was full of nothing but going to the doctors and having needles stuck in him. Bobby hated hospitals, but the doctors always tried to do all they could to make it easier for him. He liked having me around, and they'd ease up on the visitation rules so I could be there with him. Whenever they started a treatment on Bobby, the doctors would make sure that he understood what was going on, and they'd tell me, too."
Jeff nodded. "I mean before then. Before Bobby got sick. What were things like for you?" He was interested as to exactly when the change happened, -- when John had gone from living in a nirvana of sorts into the personal Hell that he was put into.
John shrugged. "I guess it was like for regular kids, only not so normal. I mean, how normal can you be when you live in a house with servants, right?" John chuckled. "I went to school and played with my friends and with Bobby. Bobby and I would torment Barbara, our sister. We'd come over here to play with our cousins a lot, and Corrine would always have cookies for us. When Mom and Dad wanted to go out, they'd get a babysitter, just like regular parents do. They used to hire Jenny a lot and she'd come over and help us with our homework, sometimes feed us dinner and put us to bed. Sometimes I'd try to stay up late, because I wanted to be awake when they got home, but a lot of their nights out were really, really late."
Jack nodded. "A lot of the functions wouldn't end until after one in the morning, and even then, Eleanor and I would often go out afterward with our friends, so it would be quite late when we returned home. The kids would always be asleep and Jenny would be occupied watching some late night movie or another," Jack remembered. How could they have ever trusted the woman, he wondered, kicking himself yet once again for letting his son down.
Jeff nodded once again. "And Jenny was usually the person who babysat you? Did you find, John, that you and Jenny had any kind of special friendship from early on? Or did she spend the same amount of time with you, Barbara and Bobby?" Jeff was interested in establishing a pattern, and was also curious if some of the same antics might have been going on with the other children.
"I think she spent more time with Barbara, you know, playing dolls and stuff like that. Although after a while, Barbara grew too old for playing dolls, so then they'd talk about boys and stuff like that. Kissing and dating. I remember one time that Barbara was going to some dance, I don't remember which one it was now, but she was either 12 or 13 at the time, and she was nervous because this one boy she liked was going to be there and she didn't know what she'd do if he kissed her. So Jenny told Barb to practice. We must have all kissed for hours, I think. As for anything else, I can't really think of anything. Jenny would make sure we had our baths before we went to bed, and she'd put Bobby in the tub in our parent's bathroom and me in the other tub. Barb would always have her bath last because she was older and had a later bedtime. We'd wash and then Jenny would tuck us in after we had our pajamas on. Just normal babysitting stuff," John said with another shrug.
Jeff was furiously writing as John spoke, but something that John had said had caught his attention. And after John finished his thought, Jeff lifted his eyes to meet the younger man's. "I'm not sure I understand, John. The four of you practiced kissing? What did you do?" This was very interesting to Jeff. If his instincts were correct, the abuse started well before Bobby passed away.
"What did I do? I told you, we were helping Barb practice kissing in case that boy she liked kissed her," John said, slightly confused over just what it was that Dr. DiLeo didn't understand about that.
Jack glanced over at his son. "I think he's asking about who was doing the kissing, John. Were you and Barb kissing, or was it...Jenny and Barbara?" Jack had a horrible fear starting to take root that Jenny had abused all of his children and not just John.
"Oh." John replied, then he thought about it for a moment, trying to remember the details. "Jenny called me over to her and told me to kiss her. I did and then Jenny told Barb to watch as she kissed me back, so Barb would know just how to do it right. We must have done that a few times before she told Barb to practice it with Bobby."
Dave's stomach was turning as he listened to this -- just how far did the abuse run? Man...all of them...all of them seemed to have been touched negatively by this Jenny, and more and more the instinct for Dave to seek her out and make her life miserable overwhelmed him. But he said nothing. He silently held John's hand, trying to give him any and all support that he could.
Jeff nibbled on the edge of his pen as John spoke, and then quickly jotted down some notes. Nodding, he first made eye contact with Jack before turning his attention back on John. "You said that all of you bathed separately," he said, as he maintained eye contact. "Did Jenny spend time with each of you during bath time? Did she always wash you, John?"
John shook his head. "No, she never touched me when I was in the bath. But...she'd come in and wait for me to be finished, then she'd...look, all of this happened before she ever..." John tried to look away, but whichever way he turned his head, someone was there, so there was no escape from a penetrating stare. "What does this have to do with what happened last night? I hurt Dave, okay? I don't like knowing I did that and I don't want to do it again. Why don't we concentrate on whatever it is we need to do to make sure that never happens again?"
Jeff nodded, setting his pen down on his pad before speaking again. "I understand that this is going to be very difficult, but I think it's very important to talk about what happened in order to get a better grip on *why* last night happened, so we can prevent it in the future..."
Dave's mind was reeling with information. The description of the bath set off something familiar in the young doctor's head - a memory from one shower he and John had shared, and interrupting Jeff, Dave finally found his voice. "Did...did she dry ya off, John? I mean, did she go about a certain order when she dried you off from the bath? Is...is that what you were about to say...?" Dave lifted his eyes so he could look at John's face fully.
John looked from Dave to his father and then to Dr. DiLeo -- they all seemed to be waiting for an answer of some kind. He pulled his hand away from Dave's grasp as he drew he knees up. Wrapping his arms around his legs and suppressing a hiss of pain due to the pressure then being put on his feet, John merely nodded.
Sensing John's apprehension, Jeff quickly changed the subject. They weren't going to be able to rehash everything in one day. "Let's talk about what happened last night," Jeff said, as he picked up his pen once more. "What happened after you got back here to the cottage?" Jeff was curious to see if the story that John told meshed with Dave's story.
John felt a surge of relief when DiLeo dropped the bath time subject and he grinned. "Dave and I had dinner, then we went to bed." There was no way he was going to tell DiLeo or anyone else about how much he enjoyed being tied down while having sex. Especially with his father present. "I had a nightmare and woke up on the floor. I guess I fell out of bed. Dave was there, I remember that, trying to get me to wake up. Then he started asking me if I wanted to talk about the nightmare and what I remembered from it. I didn't want to do that, so I decided to...distract him." John didn't dare look at Dave while admitting that, nor could he look at his father. Instead he found a spot on the wall just behind DiLeo's left shoulder and kept his gaze centered there. "It was working and then Dave wanted me to stop. I'm sure he told you what happened then, right? I hurt him and was trying to rape him or something and he finally had to throw me off of him to get away."
Jeff nodded once more. "He did, and I know that it's difficult for you to talk about, but do you remember *anything* that was going on, what you were thinking when Dave asked you to stop? Why didn't you want him to?" It was important for John to try to remember. If he could remember the episodes as they occurred, then they could get to the root as to why they were occurring in the first place.
John shook his head. "I don't remember 'thinking' anything. I was just...doing it and saying those things. I don't know why I said those things...it was as if I remembered hearing them from somewhere. I think...well, I know...that some of it was stuff Jenny would say to me. I didn't always want to...you know, do what she wanted, but she never left me alone." John wrapped his arms tighter around his legs and rested his forehead on his knees. His stomach was beginning to bother him and he was afraid he was going to be sick and even more afraid that if he were ill, he'd never make it to the bathroom in time.
Jack looked at John, concerned. He recognized the coloring of John's face as an indication that John's stomach was starting to be queasy. "John, how about if I find a bucket or something? In case you need to be sick? Would that be all right?"
John nodded, but didn't look up. He knew it would be embarrassing to be sick in front of everyone in a bucket, but it sure beat the Hell out of throwing up on the covers.
Dave lifted his head. "There's a bucket in the bathroom closet if ya wanna grab that," he said before focusing his attention back on John. Tentatively he reached out, and put a hand on John's shoulder. "She can't hurt ya anymore, Hoss, and we're gonna take care of you now..."
Jack nodded, then headed to the bathroom to find the bucket.
Jeff was concerned. He knew they were close to a breakthrough, but he didn't want to drive John to the point where he was going to be sick to his stomach. Keeping his voice controlled, the older doctor spoke once more. "It's very important that we talk about this, but we don't have to talk about this *all* today. There are a couple of things that I'd like to do. I want to see you for a little while every day, either one on one, or you can have Dave and or your father here with you if it'll make you feel more comfortable. And also, I want to prescribe a mild anti-depressant for you. It'll help you with these feelings that you have that make you do things that you don't really want to be doing..." Jeff really hoped that John didn't balk at the idea. The anti-depressants were a first step to helping John get better. "Also, I'm concerned with you not sleeping well at night, which is adding to the feelings of being lost that you're having. I also want to prescribe a sleeping pill for you to take at night, when sleep is particularly elusive..."
John's head shot up and he shook his head. "No sleeping pills. I'll take the other stuff, but not those. I can't...I just can't risk that. Didn't they tell you that I'm a drug addict?" If so, then how could the man sit there and tell John he was going to give him something potentially addictive? He'd had anti-depressants in rehab and knew they were okay, but the sleeping pills, no way.
"If the sleeping pills are carefully controlled, much like you would get controlled pain medication if you had injured yourself, then they don't have to be addictive. We can prescribe something very mild for you, and if you have someone who controls when the medicine is given out, then potentially, it would be okay," Jeff said, as he jotted down another note on his sheet of paper. "I'm just afraid that if you don't start getting some regular sleep soon, that the episodes that you've been experiencing will only get worse, not better." Thinking for a moment, Jeff jotted something else down on the pad. "I'll tell you what, John. We'll start you on the anti-depressants, and we'll see how you're doing with those. If you find that you're still not sleeping, we'll see about getting you something for the sleeplessness."
John wasn't too sure about taking sleeping pills even under those conditions, but he nodded. The anti-depressants would work. They had to.
Jack returned, the bucket in hand, and he set it down on the floor by the bed. "It's here if you need it, Johnny, okay?"
John smiled at his father. "Thanks, Dad." He then looked at Dr. DiLeo. "So, are we done for today?"
Dave saw that Jeff was about to end the session, when he realized that there was still one issue that was still left unsaid. "John? I.. I know that you've already talked about a lot...but...what happened...this mornin'? I mean, when I got up...and you weren't here...and Abby and Luka found ya by the lake...why did ya run off? And...why...why were your sweatpants damp..?"
John's smile quickly faded and he looked down at the covers. "I...I didn't want to ever risk hurting you again, Dave. Or anyone else, for that matter. I thought it best if I just...well, ended it, finally," he admitted.
Jack gasped as John's meaning hit home. "John, we...how? Son, please, don't ever think anything like that again? Please?"
Dave's eyes widened, his worst suspicions being confirmed before his eyes. Looking first towards Jack, and then over towards John again, Dave reached out, and grasped John's hand in his. "Please...I...please talk to me if things ever get to that point again. You...you endin' it would not have made it all better, there are ways that we can deal with this, an...and talkin' to Jeff is a good first step. We're all gonna help ya get better, I promise ya that..."
John looked over to Dave, then at his father, then back at Dave. He gently squeezed Dave's hand. "I couldn't do it. I just couldn't leave you without telling you why and then I realized that the lake was fully on the property and the only people who could find me...God, it would have been Luka and Abby..." John blinked back tears, thinking of how close he had come to putting Luka and Abby through the same agony that Dennis had inflicted upon him years earlier. "I'm sorry."
Jeff had been furiously writing the entire time, and finally looked up towards John as Dave finished speaking. "I think that the anti-depressants will help," he said, his voice very soft. "John, I want to thank you for telling us as much as you did today. Each day you'll feel more and more comfortable talking about everything. And then, you'll really begin to heal."
"I hope so," John whispered. He wanted to be better, but there was still a nagging fear deep within that he'd get better, that he'd heal, and then be 'normal' and forever changed. And that, once changed, Dave wouldn't want him anymore.
"You...you don't haveta be sorry," Dave said, squeezing John's hand once more. "You're...you're still here. Do...do you know how bleak my life would be without ya in it? I'm just glad ya had second thoughts..."
Jeff closed his book, and reached down to click off his tape recorder. "I think we've done enough for one day," the doctor said, standing up from his chair. "I'll be by to see you again tomorrow. What time is good for you? Maybe after dinnertime?"
John shrugged. "Doesn't matter much to me," he said. "After dinner is fine, I guess."
"I'll walk you back to the house," Jack said to DiLeo. He leaned over and gave John a hug. "Like Dave, I'm very glad you had second thoughts, son. I can't imagine not having you in my life." As the hug ended, Jack directed his next comment to both John and Dave. "Shall I have Corrine make enough for dinner for all of us, or is coming over to the house something you can't do yet?"
"I can't make it," John quickly said. He knew that Dave was going to get the crutches and a wheelchair for him, so, technically, John 'could' make it. But he didn't want to face his mother again, at least not that day. "Maybe breakfast?"
Jack nodded. "Okay. I'll double check later today about breakfast. I'll see you two later, then, okay?"
John merely nodded, but his grasp around Dave's hand tightened as he thought that breakfast would probably be out of the question as well.
Dave nodded. "Thanks, Mr. C, Jeff," he said sincerely as he looked up to the two men. The grip that John had on his hand told Dave that the mere thought of going over to the main house scared the Hell out of John. Dave couldn't blame him. "Yeah, just give us a call...and we'll see how John's feelin about comin' over for breakfast in the morning.." Dave was not going to be the one to push John into doing something that he didn't want to do. Especially when it came to something like that.
Jack nodded. "And don't worry about getting the prescription filled, I'll have it done and bring it over."
John smiled up at his father. "Thanks. And, Dr. DiLeo, thank you, too."
Dave watched at the two men left, and when they were out of view, Dave turned back towards John with worry in his eyes. "Are...are ya doin' alright? We didn't push ya too hard today, did we? I mean...I jus'... just wanna help you..." His free hand reached up towards John's head, and he brushed a stray hair off of John's forehead. "Ya...ya gotta tell me when things are botherin' you, okay?"
"I will." John smiled at Dave. "And, no, you didn't push me too hard today. I was wondering, do you think I could manage a bath?" John felt dirty, and not just from his half submersion in the lake that morning. "I'm sure my feet are due for another cleaning and bandaging about now, anyway, and a soaking in the bath would probably be good for them, couldn't hurt, anyway."
"I think a bath would be a very good idea," Dave said, as his eyes met John's once more. "And maybe it'll help ya relax a little more, too. Do you maybe wanna try to take a nap after your bath is over? It's been a really long day..." Dave certainly could use a nap, but not if John didn't want one. He didn't want to leave John alone, at least, not yet. Dave stood, smiling down towards John. "So, ya wanna head towards the bathroom?"
"Yeah," John said as he stretched out his legs, and then swung them over the side of the bed. "I think a nap sounds pretty good, too. I also think I might be able to relax a lot easier in the bath with some company, but I don't want you to think that you have to join me, even though that tub is big enough for two. I'm sure you want to straighten up now that lunch is over." If Dave wasn't planning on joining him in the tub, then John wasn't sure he wanted him in the bathroom, watching. It was just too much after some of what he had admitted earlier.
Dave couldn't help but chuckle slightly as John spoke. "Lesse...take a bath with my favorite guy or clean up the kitchen. Ya know? It's gonna be a tough decision," he teased lightly. "But I *think* my arm could be twisted to join ya in the bathtub. That is, if ya want me there," he said, his grin growing broader. Dave helped John up from the bed, and then almost immediately lifted him into his arms. A few moments later, he headed towards their bathroom.
John wrapped his arms around Dave's neck. "I definitely want you there. And, while I could get used to being carried around everywhere by you, I think you need to remember to go over to the house to get my crutches later, maybe while I'm napping? I wouldn't mind some more clothes, either," he said, smiling into Dave's eyes.
"Aww...gee," Dave said, as he stepped into the large bathroom. "Ya mean...ya don't wanna hire me as your personal wheelchair?" With a grin he set John down on the closed lid of the commode, and then turned to begin to draw the bath. "Yeah, I'll head over to the house after we're done with the bath. Anything else specific that ya want me to get ya? We should probably pack up a bunch of your stuff...is there a suitcase handy at the house?"
John nodded. "Dad can get a suitcase for you if he's still there. If he's not there, then ask Gamma and she'll get one for you. The crutches are in my closet, to the left and in the back of it." Thinking about his closet made John remember something else that was there. When he and Dave had broken up the first time and then were briefly reunited, it had been when Dave was fired from the ER. He had just emptied out his locker that day, and had put the box of his belongings in the back of the Jeep. Dave and John had spent some glorious hours together, then fought and parted on bad terms. The next day, Dave had left, although John hadn't found out about that until the day after. By then it was too late to return the box to Dave. So, it had been taped shut and put on the top shelf of John's closet -- shoved to the back. He'd definitely have to get the box over to the cottage and John wondered if his dad would be willing to bring it over that evening. He'd ask him when Jack brought his meds over later.
Dave finished adjusting the water, and then turned back towards John with a soft smile. "Why don't we see about gettin' ya into this tub, huh?" Dave moved directly in front of his lover, and as he grin grew wider, he began to pull John's shirt over his head. "Yeah...a bath is jus' what the doctor ordered..."
John smiled up at Dave. "I quite agree with that diagnosis, Dr. Dave." He reached out and began to undo Dave's pants. "I quite agree. Did you notice that it's a whirlpool tub?" With all those jets, John knew Dave couldn't have missed it, but he still thought it only polite to point it out -- especially if it should happen that they did more than just bathe while in the water.
To be continued.