Author/pseudonym: MonaCK and Cathy Roberts
Email address: monaCK2@yahoo.com and huntersglenn@yahoo.com
Rating: NC-17
Status: Finished
Pairing: John Carter/Luka Kovac/Dave Malucci
Date: February 15, 2004
Archive: Please ask first
Series: 40/?
Category: "E.R."
Disclaimer: "ER" and all its characters belong to Warner Bros. No infringement of their copyright is intended. This story was written for the enjoyment of "ER" fans everywhere, and may be downloaded for your own pleasure. The title of the story was inspired by the Jimmy Buffett song of the same name, and no infringement is intended. The story can be found on the following web sites: http://www.heresmona.com/fanfic.html
http://www.geocities.com/Paris/Boutique/7087/, and
http://www.errealmofslash.com
Summary: It's a slashy A/U story about how Season 8 might have been and contains no spoilers for the current season.
"Changes In Latitudes, Changes In Attitudes, Part 40"
By MonaCK and Cathy Roberts
The small group made their way upstairs to John's room, and Jack found himself stopping in the doorway as he saw the blood stains on the floor. A wave of guilt washed over him as he once again knew he had been a rather negligent father and it hurt him to know that his only living son had reached that emotional crisis without him ever knowing about it.
"John, would you like to lie down so they can check your feet?" Jack gently asked.
"Doesn't matter," John replied, his voice almost a monotone. Courtesy of the sedative, nothing much seemed to matter.
Dave sighed deeply as he watched his lover be led over to the bed by the man's father. And as John laid back on the pillow, Dave hesitated only for a moment before going to him, and carefully taking John's shoes off of his feet, followed by his socks. And then he winced at what he saw. "John...man...I wish you had stayed offa your feet today," he said, partially under his breath. And there was more than one reason for that -- John never should have been there to see that bitch Jenny. If Dave could have killed Jenny himself for doing that to John, for having that kind of control over him, he surely would have.
Luka hovered near the back of the room, but he would have had to be blind to not see how messy John's feet were. "Are you going to put antiseptic on that?"
Dave turned to face the other man. "Yeah, of course I am. If you can do me a favor and grab the wraps and the tube of cream from the bathroom, I would appreciate it." Dave voice was slightly stern as he said it. Of course he didn't really want to have to deal with babysitting Luka on top of all of this. Dave's main focus was making sure John was all right -- both mentally and physically.
Jack forced himself to ignore what the two doctors were talking about. Instead he pulled a chair over by the bed and sat down, taking one of John's hands in his own. "Are you comfortable? Do you want a blanket or anything?"
John slowly shook his head. "I'm fine." He could feel Dave touching his feet, but that was about it, and John thought it was funny that he could feel Dave's touch, but not the pain from the injuries themselves.
Jack reached out to smooth down John's hair and was taken aback when John flinched away.
"Don't. I'm okay, Dad. Just...don't touch me." John said, but the grip he had on his father's hand tightened, afraid that his father would leave him once they had him settled into bed.
Jack nodded, even though he felt a combination of anger and hurt over not being able to touch his own son. If Jenny were in sight at that moment, he would have easily killed her. "I won't touch you, John. And I'm right here. I won't leave you." Jack gently squeezed John's hand and was gratified to feel a slight squeeze in return.
After Luka brought in the supplies to him, Dave took care to work carefully on John's feet, getting them as covered with the antiseptic cream as possible before wrapping them up. His touch was tender, and, as he brought his eyes up, he was happy to see father and son in a seemingly tender moment. Maybe something good would come out of all of this, and maybe, just maybe, John would begin to realize just how wrong Jenny had been...
Dave could only hope.
Dr. DiLeo decided that it would be best if he went upstairs while Dr. Meyers remained in the study. There were enough medical doctors in John's room, but a psychiatrist would be needed. As he walked up the stairs, DiLeo kept going over everything in his mind, trying to come up with a way to introduce the topics to John in a way that would get the young man to talk. If John later chose another person as his therapist, then DiLeo had no problem with that. But it was obvious that John needed help and he was more than relieved to be there to offer it to him right then.
He knocked softly on the door. "May I come in?"
Jack looked up and saw the psychiatrist standing there. "Sure, make yourself at home." He hadn't meant to sound sarcastic or bitter, but Jack knew that that's exactly how he had sounded. What good had the man done downstairs except for having the sedative handy?
Dave looked up, his eyes moving from Mr. Carter over to Dr. DiLeo. "So, how do you think we're gonna get John to be able to realize what's been goin' on, Dr. DiLeo? I mean...I'm really not sure how many more breakdowns he's gonna be able to take..."
Luka nodded. "I concur, we...need to try to find a way to help him through this.. a way to make him realize that he has done *nothing* wrong."
Dr. DiLeo motioned both men to the side. Even though John was sedated and calm, he could hear them quite clearly, and DiLeo didn't often talk about his patients as if they weren't there -- even if they weren't yet his patients. He also wanted to let them know that without being John's doctor, he could only do so much.
Dave nodded, and followed, as did Luka. They walked over towards the bathroom, and just to play it safe, Luka motioned for the three of them to walk inside. This way they could have their privacy while talking about this. "So, where do we go from here, Dr. DiLeo," Luka asked, as he brushed a weary hand over his eyes. Luka was tired, really, really tired of dealing with someone as mentally unstable as John seemed to be. And in all honestly, Luka wasn't quite sure he had the patience left to deal with all of it.
"Well, to begin with, Dr. Kovac, 'we' don't go anywhere from here," DiLeo said. "For one thing, I'm not officially John's doctor. Yes, I do plan to try to talk to him now, but I can only do so much without taking me on as his doctor. And there's a good chance he'll reject me as his doctor simply because I was present today. I've dealt with countless cases of sexual abuse and while they all share some common characteristics, they're also very individual. When I'm not here it's very important that people around John do *not* let him get away with hiding. If he starts to talk about it and then clams up, force him to talk, or to at least listen to you. It doesn't help him at all if you continue to allow him to manipulate the hows and whens of his disclosures. It's going to be painful for him, but he's been hiding for years and it's time to stop."
Dave nodded, recognition of it all falling into his lap. "Yeah, I'll...I'll get him to talk. I've been able to in the past. I...yeah, I'll try my best to work on it. Thank you, Dr. DiLeo...for all you've done already..."
Luka looked from Dave to the Doctor. "I will try to get him to talk, too. I mean...he talks to me sometimes, also. I'm sure we can have a conversation...and I'm sure that John will confide in me..." Luka realized that he was sounding like a jealous lover, but in a way that was exactly how he felt. He was watching John grow closer to Dave, and Luka wasn't sure how he felt about that.
"Damn it, Luka, this isn't a contest...it's about what's best for *John*, or have you forgotten that?" Dave could feel the anger beginning to build in him once more.
"Of course I know that this is what is best for John, do you really think what's best for him is a man who runs out at every opportunity?"
"I didn't run out, Luka, there were circumstances, and you know that. And this isn't the time...or the place to discuss any of it."
"Gentlemen, with all due respect for your various methods of persuasion, I think it's best that I be the one to try to get John to talk." Dr. DiLeo looked at both men. "As a matter of fact, it might be best if neither one of you were in the room."
Dave nodded. He looked down towards the floor in a feeling of defeat. "Yeah, okay, you're right. I'm...yeah...I just want what's best for John, ya know?"
Luka straightened up. "I'll be in my room if you need me," he said matter of factly. And without another word to anyone, Luka left the bathroom, and headed directly to his own bedroom, locking the door behind him. Luka felt like he was beginning to lose it, and he honestly didn't know how much more of this he could take. Laying down on the bed, he let his eyes drift shut. And as he finally fell asleep, the last thought on his mind was that he had to figure out a way to get out of this mess that he had found himself in.
DiLeo watched as Luka left the room. He had hoped that Luka's reaction would have been similar to Dave's -- of wanting to do what was best for John. Instead, DiLeo was seeing that Dave's assessment of Luka was most likely right and that saddened him. Still, it was good to see that Dave was firm in his feelings for John.
"I'd suggest that you go downstairs, but I don't know if you want to be around Jenny again," he commented to Dave.
"I gotta be honest with ya, Doc," Dave said as he looked back at the other doctor intently. "If I'm in the same room with Jenny again, I could very likely kill the woman...and that wouldn't do any of us any good." Dave found that he was playing with the bottom of his shirt. "I'm...sorry. I've never exactly been in this kinda situation before. How do you deal with not bein' able to do anything to help the person that you love...?"
"I've counseled a lot of patients, Dr. Malucci, and their loved ones often have that same question. I do offer counseling for families, some is one on one and some is group counseling. And yes, there are some gays and lesbians in the group sessions, so you wouldn't stand out. Even if John doesn't chose to see me, you'd be more than welcome to attend a group session." Dr. DiLeo patted Dave's shoulder. "It's rough, Dr. Malucci, to love another man in this world, but in the end, love is love, and that's all that matters."
Dave nodded. "I...well...we'll see about me. I don't know if a group session will help me at all. I...uh, don't know how much I wanna talk about this all yet..." Dave focused his attention back on the door. "I think I'm gonna head back to the cottage for a little while...clean up over there, stay outta everyone's hair, and keep Jenny alive for a little while longer. Do ya think you can give me a page, let me know when to come back over? And...and if I can see him? God, I just..."
Dave shook his head, not wanting to spill his emotions in front of this doctor, no matter how easy the guy was to talk to. "I...think I need to be alone for a little while, but, please...call me if as soon as I can see him."
DiLeo nodded. "Of course. But, as far as sessions go, I don't force people to share. If you just want to sit and listen, that's fine. Many people do that and find the help they need." He reached for the doorknob and they walked back into the bedroom.
"John, Dave has to go back to the cottage for a little bit, but I'd like to stay here, see if we can talk about a few things. Is that okay?" DiLeo asked him. He could see that the sedative had taken full effect -- John's eyes were dull and he seemed listless on the bed, a perfect state for getting him to open up about what he felt. At that point, the details didn't matter as much as how John felt about them.
"Luka left," John tonelessly said, but he lifted his head to look at Dave. "Will you come back?"
Dave nodded, making his way to the opposite side of the bed. "Yeah, yeah, I'll be back...as soon as you want me back, okay? I just wanna go over there and clean up a little bit, wash the tray from breakfast...a know how it is. But I promise you, I'll come back in a little while, okay?"
He reached out for John's hand, and squeezed it gently before letting it go. And then, with another nod towards Dr. DiLeo, he left the room. Even though it was his job to take care of the elder Mrs. Carter, Dave knew that her physician was there, so he wouldn't let anything happen to her. And Dave really needed to be alone for a while, to collect his thoughts.
As he retreated across the lawn, when he knew that no one could see him, Dave finally let tears roll down his cheeks. Tears of frustration, frustration that he couldn't fix what was wrong with John with a few words, or a kiss. John had very deep-seeded problems -- even more severe than the stuff that Dave had grown up with. It all seemed like child's play when compared to John's abuse issues.
***************
Dave felt as if they were taking forever. How long could it take for John to open up, or not open up, about stuff that had happened in his life? Dave had cleaned the bedroom, scrubbed the bathroom, and was about to put some souring powder in the kitchen sink when his pager finally went off. He looked down at the number, and realized it was the mansion. Calling the number on his cell phone, he looked around the kitchen one more time and then retreated out of the house. The line was answered by Dr. DiLeo, who had asked Dave to come directly to John's bedroom. So as Dave entered the house, he headed right up the stairs, hoping beyond hope that there had been *some* progress. And as he waited outside of John's bedroom door, after knocking to indicate he was there, Dave suddenly found himself nervous. He just hoped that everything was okay.
Jack had sat quietly the entire time that John and Dr. DiLeo had talked. At times, John's grip on his hand would tighten beyond belief, and Jack was sure that his hand was going to be bruised in the morning, but he wasn't going to complain about a little bit of pain, not after all he had heard.
The talking had taken a lot out of John, and he was nearly asleep, but insisting on seeing Dave first, so when the knock came at the door, Jack had gently let John know that Dave was back and that he needed to let him in. John had nodded and let go of his hand, so Jack went to the door.
As he opened it, Jack was surprised to see the worry so evident in Dave Malucci's eyes. "You really love him, don't you?" he softly asked, knowing he'd let Dave into the room no matter what the answer was because right then, it was what John wanted and Dr. DiLeo seemed to feel it would do John good to have Dave there.
Dave looked up at Mr. Carter, surprised at the softness in the man's voice after the anger that Dave had witnessed earlier. It was obvious to Dave that Mr. Carter had actually grown up quite a bit in the span of a day, and Dave found himself nodding. "I really love him, more than I've ever loved anyone. I...I'd never hurt him..." Looking towards John in the bed, past Mr. Carter, Dave's eyes unwillingly filled with tears that he refused to shed. John just looked so...spent.
Jack nodded and his eyes followed Dave's gaze. "He's wiped out, but Dr. DiLeo seems to feel he made a lot of progress. John really needs to sleep right now, but he refused to even try until he could see you again." Jack moved aside so Dave could walk into the room. "For what it's worth," he said, his voice still low and soft, "he didn't ask for Luka." And, with that, Jack left the room, knowing he needed to let his mother and Eleanor know what had been going on.
Dr. DiLeo got up from where he was sitting and going over his notes. He smiled at Dave. "I'll leave the two of you alone. John, I'm going to come back in the morning, and we'll talk again when you're more yourself, okay?"
John nodded, but his eyes were fixed on Dave and he had never thought a person could look as good as Dave did right then.
Dave looked over toward Dr. DiLeo, his eyes hopeful. "I...I hope that...that everything worked out the way it was supposed to," he said, hoping that the doctor would throw him a bone, and at least hint at what they talked about.. Dave knew it wasn't likely -- after all, there was patient/doctor confidentiality, and Dave was just happy that John had talked to someone.
Dr. DiLeo simply nodded at Dave, his smile intact.
Dave turned back towards John, smiling as he realized that the guy had been looking at him intently since he walked back into the room. Sitting on the edge of the bed, Dave took John's hand in his, and brought it to his lips. "Hey, Hoss, how ya feelin'?"
John smiled sleepily up at Dave. "Tired. And a little numb still. I don't suppose you'd consider staying here with me while I nap, would you? I promise that nothing will happen, I just don't want to be alone."
Dave nodded. "I wouldn't wanna be anywhere else. That is, if Dr. DiLeo thinks it'll be okay. I don't wanna do anything that's gonna hurt you...you know that, right?" He cast a glance towards the doctor who was getting ready to leave, hoping that Dr. DiLeo would give the okay. Being able to hold John for a little while would go a long way to soothing Dave's worries as well.
"It'll be fine. You're not going to hurt him," DiLeo said as he opened the door. "And, John, you don't have to fight to stay awake, either, okay?"
John looked from DiLeo to Dave. "It's all right. Dad's pretty cool about it...about us," John said, ending his words with a yawn. "Sorry. I am pretty tired."
Dave watched as DiLeo left the room, and then focused his full attention back to John. "I wanna hold you. I trust you when you say that nothin' will happen, and I hope you trust me when I say that I'm not gonna force ya into doin' anything, okay? I just wanna hold you...I really like it when you sleep in my arms..." All he wanted was for John to be okay again. And he would do nearly anything to make that occur. But Dave had to admit that he was very glad that Dr. DiLeo had said that Dave was a positive part of the therapy. And in a way, he also had to admit that he was glad that Luka was not mentioned at all.
"That's what I want, too. I don't seem to have as many nightmares then, but I'm not going to make any guarantees right now. Think you can handle that?" John asked as he moved toward the center of the bed so Dave would have room to join him.
Dave nodded. "I can handle that," he repeated, as he looked at John intently. He wasn't quite sure what to do, should he strip down? Somehow, Dave didn't think that was such a good idea. But he was going to take off his shoes, and get under the covers. It wasn't that comfortable with jeans on, but he'd cope. What was most important was making John as comfortable as possible.
After preparing himself as best he could, Dave slid between the sheets, his arms instantly reaching out for his lover. "I just want you to know, John...I'm always here if you wanna talk...you know that right? I'm never gonna leave you again."
John snuggled next to Dave, nodding. "I know. And I love you, too." His eyelids, which had been heavy for so long, finally closed. No one could hurt him if he was within Dave's arms, and that thought was enough to let John fall asleep.
Five simple words were enough to make Dave's heart do a slight flip. 'And I love you, too'. Yes -- Dave had heard them before, but somehow, when they were in this situation, the words somehow had more meaning.
As John slept, Dave laid awake, his arms firmly wrapped around John's body, which seemed to be clad in silk pajamas. Huh? Dave didn't know that John owned pajamas, let alone wore them. The only clothing he had ever seen John attempt to sleep in were sweatpants and a t-shirt. As his hand ran over the fabric, Dave's cock sprang to life, and inwardly, the man cursed. He couldn't get turned on. Not while there was nothing either of them could do about the situation, and certainly not after assuring John that nothing would happen. Thinking thoughts of the least desirable person he could think of -- one shot of Romano's face, in this case, was enough to make Dave's erection falter.
Dave's own eyes grew heavy. And the next thing he knew, despite the fact that he wanted to stay awake, Dave drifted off into a light sleep.
*******************
Eleanor Carter was not having a very good day. First, she was dragged into town by her mother-in-law, to find out in a most horrible manner that her son had been sexually abused by not only the family maid, but his roommate in boarding school. And now, it had been hours since John had been taken up to his room, and Jack had been reluctant to say anything to her about John's condition.
Well, Eleanor was going to check on John. She was his mother after all -- and there was nothing that Jack could say to her about it.
"Jack," she finally said, as the silence that was in the room that they were in enveloped them. "I'm going to run upstairs for a little while. John has just been asleep for so long, and I want to make sure that he's okay..." And before her husband could protest, she was out of her chair and up the stairs.
She knocked only briefly on John's door before letting herself inside. And what she saw when she opened the door...Eleanor wasn't sure if she should scream, cry, or throw up.
That...that Dr. Malucci...with his arms around...around her baby boy. What was he doing to John? Hadn't John been through enough abuse for one day? And then Eleanor remembered fragments of the conversations from earlier, and she swallowed heavily, fighting nausea as she realized what had been implied downstairs, about John and Dr. Malucci.
Dave instantly woke up when the door to the room opened, and he looked around in confusion before focusing his attention on the woman in the doorway. "What the...?"
"Get your *dirty* hands off of my son," Eleanor hissed, as she stared at Dave. "My son is *not* gay..." The nausea had passed, and now Eleanor was filled with anger over the sight before her.
Jack had forgotten just how quickly Eleanor could move until she had told him in one breath that she was going to go check on John and then the next second was gone. "I'd better try to catch her, Mother. Dr. Malucci's in there," Jack quickly told Millicent, and then he was up the stairs, taking them two at a time.
But he wasn't fast enough to prevent Eleanor from going into John's room and he stepped up behind her in time to hear her comments to Dr. Malucci.
"Eleanor, please, you don't want to wake John. He's had a rough time of it and really needs to rest," Jack said as he gently placed his hands on her shoulders, hoping to steer her out of the room.
"Yes," she said, her voice laced in soft anger. "Maybe part of the reason why he's had such a rough go of it is because he's had other men around him who are influencing him. Are you telling me that...that *this* doesn't disgust you, Jack?" Eleanor asked, her voice seething in anger.
Dave took the moment that Eleanor was confronting Jack to remove himself from John's arms and get out of the bed. Thankfully, the man didn't waken -- he must have been exhausted from his activities over the previous few days. Not to mention that the sedative would keep him down and out for a while. "Mrs. Carter, I'm sorry...but the last thing that I would do is hurt your son. Your husband seems to understand that..."
"My husband wouldn't know his ass from his elbow if it weren't for me," Eleanor said, turning her eyes back on Dave, eyes that were almost wild with anger.
Jack took a deep breath. "Can we at least take this to another room? I really don't want John to wake up and overhear us. It would only upset him more and I don't think we want that to happen, now do we?" he pointedly asked his wife. "We can go back to the study or outside, your choice, Eleanor." Jack made sure he kept his voice low. He didn't know what Dr. DiLeo would do or recommend if John became upset again so soon and he didn't want to find out. "Please, Eleanor? For John's sake?"
Giving her husband another icy glare, Eleanor stormed out of the room without another glance towards Dave. It was only for John's sake that she didn't continue the argument -- it was only for John's sake that she didn't slap Dave across the face for doing...that to her son. And as she made her way to the nearest bathroom, she slammed the door behind her, not wanting to talk to any of the men involved.
Dave cast Mr. Carter an apologetic look. "I...I'm sorry, Mr. Carter," he said, "John wanted me to stay with him, and hold him for a while. I didn't think it was gonna be a problem."
"It's not," Jack softly replied. "Not for me or my mother at any rate." He sighed. "I'll talk with Eleanor, but I think she's still upset with me over the divorce, let alone the fact that I kept what Jenny did a secret from her for all these years." Jack looked over to the bed at the sleeping form of his son. "He's still pretty worn out, isn't he?"
Dave nodded. "Yeah, I'm not sure that he's slept well in days. It's been a rather long week," Dave said, thinking about all that had happened since he had come back. "I...I hope we reached some sorta breakin' point today, and maybe things will start to get better for him. I hated to see him hurtin' so much..." Dave's voice trailed off as he took another look at John's sleeping form. Poor guy was probably out for the night, and it was Dave's intention to be there for him the entire time. Dave wanted to make sure that it was his face that John saw when he finally woke up. No one else's but his.
"I don't know how I can ever make amends for all the damage I've caused him. I really and truly thought that he understood that I didn't blame him. I had no idea that Jenny was filling his head with lies to scare him, I really didn't." Jack slowly walked over to the bed and sat down on the other side of John. He reached out to gently touch John's cheek. "I never wanted to hurt John and yet it seems to be all I ever do to him."
"John loves ya," Dave said, as he looked over towards father and son. "I think he's just always wanted to get your approval, he...he wants ta make you happy, ya know? I think that if he can begin to get past this, it'll be a road towards healin' for everyone, at least, I hope so."
Dave walked over towards Mr. Carter, and placed a hand on the man's shoulder. "You know, it takes a really big man to admit when he's been wrong. And, I'm glad that you've been able to come to terms with things...for John's sake..." Having the support of even one of his parents behind him would be something that would help John immensely as he started on the long road to recovery.
"Thanks for the words of encouragement, but I really don't deserve them. Ever since Bobby died I've been a horrible father, and all because I was trying to be a good and understanding husband to Eleanor. It finally reached the point where I ceased to even think for myself, but John was able to jolt me out of that mindset. I think it bothers him that it was his words to me that made me rethink my life and decide to divorce his mother. His words did make me sit back and take a look at my life, but they weren't what made me decide to leave Eleanor." Jack got to his feet. "I'd better go look for her, before she comes back in here to have a fit. It might be best if you kept the door at least slightly ajar, that way she can't make any accusations against you. Not that anyone here would believe her."
Jack smiled at Dave, and then patted him on the shoulder. "You're a good man, Dr. Malucci...Dave, and I'm glad that you're here for John. Having my son fall in love with another man was definitely not something I'd ever even remotely considered for my son, but I refuse to condemn love, especially if that love makes John happy and content."
Dave couldn't help but smile, despite how insane the situation was. "I...thanks, Mr. C, it means a lot to me that have your support here, and to have ya recognize that I am not out to hurt John in any way, 'cause I'm not. And...yeah.. I'll take care of leavin' the door open. I don't want her to cause a scene again. I'm jus' glad that John slept through all of it." Dave turned back towards the sleeping figure on the bed. "I wanna be here when he wakes up. I hope you're able to calm Mrs. Carter down."
"I'll do my best. If nothing else, maybe Dr. DiLeo has another dose of the sedative he gave John and we can put Eleanor out for a while." Jack said with a grimace. "Horrible thing to say about the woman I used to love, but it's true that she can overreact most of the time. Everything is a major event with Eleanor." Jack headed for the door with Dave. "Just yell if you need anything once John wakes up. A normal person would be hungry by then, but stress tends to upset John's stomach, so I'm not expecting him to be ravenous when he awakens. If he is hungry, then try to not let him eat too much, too quickly. That will help keep him from being sick."
Dave nodded. "I'll do that," he said, chuckling to himself as he wondered just who was the doctor in the room. But Mr. Carter was being so nice about everything that Dave didn't want to do anything to rock the boat.
Dave watched as Mr. Carter left the room, and then hesitated only for a moment before crawling back into bed next to John. Dave wrapped his arms around John's body once more, both out of a need to comfort John, and to comfort himself, and the he pulled the blanket up over both of them. Dave didn't think that he was going to be able to sleep any more, but that wasn't going to stop him from staying curled up next to the man he loved.
To be continued